My parents live with my brother and his family. Due to unforeseen circumstances they cannot live elsewhere. My parents were both high achievers and medical professionals.
My brother constantly argues with dad and tries to correct him and tells him off. My father is very intelligent and was a leader in his job. He is still knowledgeable but when he discusses anything, my brother will try to negate him and tell him off, sometimes bordering on rudeness.
Dad is still very well read and knows a lot on several topics. He speaks authoritatively and is mostly correct. I cannot say anything to my brother as I don’t want there to be a problem in their family. How do I say to my brother that dad is hurting? What do I do? Mom will never say anything. She used to be close to my brother. Now she just watches TV all day.
They are now looking at Independent living unit , separately and I am going to help too.
Thanks muchly 😀
Who will pay for the in-home caregivers or facility?
I take your brother's side in this. His family life is being enormously disrupted by having your parents there, and it is only going to get worse as time goes on.
Caregivers are often criticized by the person they are caring for, family members and others. Caregivers sacrifice their lives for the person they are caring for.
Caregivers rarely hear from the person they are caring for, “Thank you, you are so helpful. What would I do without you?” We start being taken for granted. Perhaps not intentionally. but it happens due to constant togetherness. Getting on one another’s nerves happens because of too much togetherness.
Ahhhhh, but who gets blamed first for everything? The caregiver. Who doesn’t get asked for their side of the story? The caregiver.
We usually don’t hear from siblings, “Thanks for taking care of our mother. What time should I come by so you can have a break?” Would you like me to bring dinner over?” “Can I run to the pharmacy to pick up the scripts?” I would have given anything to have heard those words instead of criticism because mom stirred the pot.
We constantly hear, “Can you do this? Would you do that? I need this, that and the other.”
Caregivers are tired! Caregivers are not perfect. Caregivers get lonely, depressed, frazzled, etc. Unless a person has done this they truly have no idea how hard it is and how it only gets harder and harder. I didn’t know myself until I did it.
Dad may be smart. Brother may indeed be agitated. All caregivers get agitated at times. You are only seeing a small portion. You don’t live there! You aren’t around in the middle of the night or early in the morning and the caregiver attends to his every need. You aren’t around when they have a good day and laugh together.
Mom doesn’t say anything. She may be seeing both sides and is remaining neutral.
I am not in any way trying to rag on you. I am taking it upon myself as one who was in your brother’s shoes to speak on his behalf because I have been there.
I can appreciate your concern. I am not saying your brother doesn’t have character flaws. Don’t we all? Dear old dad has flaws too.
No one is perfect! No one should expect someone to be perfect. My mom was a perfectionist. There is no pleasing them. Sometimes it’s subtle picking, other times it’s down right cruelty but it all wears us down. Caregivers start to lose themselves. One final note, caregivers burn out. I did!
Thanks for listening. Sorry so long. All caregivers and former caregivers deserve to be heard. Siblings do too but they need to want to hear the caregivers side before making an assessment of the situation.
Caregivers deserve to be able to express their viewpoints. Don’t force a caregiver to ask for help. This places the burden on the caregiver. It is so much nicer for someone to offer help.
Never apologize for your longest post, you have been through the fire and you have come out a changed woman.
I am sure that I am not the only one here cheering for you and how far you have come and how well you are doing.
Keep on keeping on lady!
Once you have another adult, particularly one(s) that raised you in your house things become difficult. Your brother was/is head of the household but now mom and dad are there and since they are elders your brother may be trying to make sure that his role as head of household is still in place. Sort of like the male animals in the wild fight to be the leader, when a younger one feels strong enough they begin to assert their strength knocking the older one down, the older one is usually run off.
This may be difficult for your parents as they are the ones that raised your brother and it is difficult to be other than the patriarch and matriarch.
Is looking into senior housing an option?
I would always talk to mum - as her to stand and tell her what I was doing next.
Both dad and I were frustrated at the others way of dealing with things. My sister paid one of her rare visits and very diplomatically managed to mention aspects of both that she thought were good and what wasn’t.
End result was dad was a little more prepared to talk to talk to mum as a person who just needed a bit of help.
Maybe by appealing to your brothers logic - yes you are right however dad has always been used to .... do you think you could ... as you know men’s dignity is based on .... and see if by flattering your brother and family with all they do yet could they consider that dad might feel slightly out of place in this new situation and find ways to praise rather than argue with him?
if they remain headstrong I wouldn’t fight about it - just find ways to enable your dad to feel good about himself. My Dad always liked doing things - I used to pop the lens out of my glasses and ask him if he could “fix” it for me. Or take an activity I knew he enjoyed and do it with him and praise him / say thanks depending what it was
Hope you can find a solution
My father comes across as very imperious and he believes that women should be promoted based on looks and makes lascivious comments about women who work in public. Yet, most people feel he is a well read, thoughtful, intelligent man.
When my step dad was dying this time last year, his daughter was incensed when Mum told the doctors that he had become childlike. He had been an accountant working at a high level prior to dementia. Mum was not saying it to be cruel, she was letting the doctor's know how he behaved at home when he was not show timing for the doctors.
My point is Angela, you really do not know how Dad is when he is just with your brother.
And I have to wonder, why your parents sold up and moved, without first investigating the cost of living in the new location. If I were your brother, who has been 'forced' into this living arrangement, I would be questioning my Dad's intellect.
I think this has made me realise that the parents are now ageing and I need to help them too.
we will definitely consider AL and in the meantime, I’m thinking of taking them on weekends away.
When I found myself being dismissive or sarcastic or otherwise unkind to my mother, which I bitterly regret but it happened, one mental brake I used was to imagine that somebody else had spoken to her the way I just had. I don't know if you could try putting something like that to your brother?
I doubt if your brother means to be disrespectful to your/his father, but this sort of thing can be the thin end of the wedge; and what starts out as quick temper or thoughtlessness can become a habit which can then deteriorate even into abuse. How is the rest of the family coping? Are there other stresses they have to deal with?
Talk the situation through with your brother, keeping it general and not accusatory. Perhaps bring up a particular incident you noticed, and prompt your brother to reflect on it.
But at the same time, start looking into other options.
I also agree that I don't quite understand how your parents' budget was unforeseen, exactly. How long ago did they move to the States, and where from, if you don't mind my asking?
I think this is the closest answer to my situation. Thank you . You have shed some great insight on this. Initially it was not like this, they enjoyed each other’s company . The burden is getting harder as the time passes. I feel that this discussion has put me to test my contribution towards their family, maybe financially, helping with chores, taking for appointments and of course sharing more financial responsibilities.
Thanks buddy...!
Very intelligent people tend to look down on others. Maybe growing up Dad made your brother feel like his opinions meant nothing. I think u need to find a place for Mom and Dad.
This has made me realise that they are the same...and so neither realises....but I will talk to them separately.
I am now working on solutions. I am planning to take them on weekends away, till we find a small unit close by.
Of course brother is resentful, anyone would be when there is no choice in the current situation.
Have a discussion with your brother and ask him if there’s anything you can do to make things easier for him. Remain calm and nonjudgmental. Listen to the way your father speaks to him. Is Dad being argumentative? Is he baiting your brother with comments and topics he knows will set your brother off?
I don’t think that dad baits him, but dad is a very smart guy and can put people on edge with his talk and his knowledge. He says things innocently, maybe doesn’t realise that his talking is making others feel not as smart as him.....thanks