Are there places that would accommodate my grandmother during the day, or a few times per week? Longer stays?

I'm sorry you're going through this. Dementia can reach the point where the elder becomes SO difficult to deal with, that placement is the only viable option left. For this moment, look into adult daycare for grandma, where you can drop her off in the morning & pick her up in the late afternoon hours, and that will give you a break. Or, hire in home caregivers (on her dime, of course) to come in and give you respite while they care for her. If all else fails, please look into Memory Care Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing with Medicaid funding her stay if grandma has no funds to private pay. Know that you aren't doing anything 'wrong' here........it's the disease that's turned her into a hateful and mean person, just like it did my mother. I had her in Memory Care AL b/c there was NO WAY I was able (or willing) to care for her at home; she had more issues than Newsweek in addition to the dementia, and she was wheelchair bound to boot. The caregivers in AL were wonderful and did a great job caring for her 24/7. She lived in Memory Care for nearly 3 years before she passed in February at 95. Before that, she lived in Assisted Living for 4 years with my dad before he passed with a brain tumor. It was best for all of us that they had their own apartment and their own lives, and I didn't have to do any hands on caregiving.

You can also send grandma to a Memory Care AL for a week or two for respite care when you need a break. Call around to a few ALs in your area and see what their terms are for respite care.

Wishing you the best of luck getting the help you need now. You deserve a life too, b/c grandma is not the only one who's important here. There are several lives that matter, not just hers. Caregivers tend to lose sight of that fact, and get overcome with 'guilt' when they have to admit they can't do it all alone anymore. Don't be one of them.

Sounds like it's nursing home time. They can certainly arrange a longer stay.

Hospice can help a lot.
A CNA would come a few times a week to give a bath or shower, dress mamaw and change bedding. And order supplies,.
A Nurse would come 1 time a week to check on her.
A Social Worker, Chaplain would come if you wish.
AND Hospice has Volunteers that could come sit with her for a bit so you can go out and get things done. (about a 3 to 4 hour span and possibly 1 time a week)
AND a great benefit of Hospice they will cover about 1 week of Respite per year. mamaw would go to either the in patient unit or a facility the Hospice has arrangements with. This is covered by Medicare, Medicaid and other insurance.

Contact your local agency on aging to ask that she be evaluated and also to see what kind of help that is available in your area. Hopefully you can find a senior day care, and perhaps a respite stay in an appropriate facility.

You can have her taken to an Adult Day Care center in your area up to 5 days a week(Mon.-Fri.)and 8 hours a day. They are a Godsend for those who use them as it allows the caregiver to get out and get things done and also just to have time for themselves. In the city where I live it's $55/day and that includes breakfast, lunch and a snack. And if you can't afford it, they have programs to help with that as well.
They also have volunteers that come out to the home to sit with your loved one, while you get out. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging to look into that.
And of course it may just be time to have her placed in the appropriate facility where she will receive the 24/7 care she needs and you and your husband can get your life back.
It's not worth risking your or your husbands life over. Because statistics show that 40% of caregivers of dementia patients will die before the one they're caring for. If that isn't enough to scare the crap out of you, I don't know what will.

I understand you made a promise about taking care of Mamaw, but reality is different, she is not the same person, and your health is of concern and your husband’s as well.
You cannot do it alone, respite, day care, caregivers or placement should be considered.
You need to get rid of guilt, realize every caregiver feels that, there is something I posted from my notes on guilt:
As a caregiver, it might seem like there is everything you feel guilty about.
You might feel guilty over:
Feeling resentful, trapped, unloving, or other negative thoughts
Feeling that you’re not as good of a caregiver as you should be or that others are doing a better job
Not visiting enough
Wishing it was over
Wanting time for yourself, asking for help, hiring an in-home caregiver, or using respite care so you can have a much-needed break
Why guilt is destructive for caregiver health
Common misconceptions about how caregivers should feel or what they should do and the guilt that comes from not living up to those unreasonable standards can really hurt you.
These beliefs can push you to take on unrealistic responsibilities, avoid getting the help you need and deserve, and be too hard on yourself. 
All these things add to your stress, worsen health, and can lead to poor lifestyle choices. 
Finding ways of dealing with caregiver guilt in positive ways helps you make choices that improve your
1. Acknowledge that you feel guilty
The first step in solving a problem is to admit that it exists. When you suppress a feeling, it only becomes more intense. 
Identify when you’re feeling guilty and acknowledge the thoughts and emotions. That can help reduce the feeling and let it pass.
For example, say “I feel guilty because I snapped at mom this morning over something trivial because I’m exhausted.” or “I feel guilty because I didn’t visit dad today because I need some time to recharge.”
 
2. Check your expectations against reality
Having unrealistic expectations causes unnecessary guilt. 
When you think “I should be able to take care of everything without feeling resentful or exhausted,” check that against reality. 
Would you really expect that all other caregivers should be able to do that and keep it up forever? No, of course not. It’s unrealistic and not something you should expect of yourself.
Or, if you think “I should never move my older adult to assisted living or nursing care, no matter what,” think about the reality of the situation. 
There are so many situations where keeping someone at home is unrealistic and could cause serious harm to the older adult or the caregiver. 
If a friend had told you about a situation like that, you would agree that a move is the best solution for everyone’s health and safety.
3. Don’t compare your worst moments with someone else’s
Based on what you might see or hear about other caregivers, it could seem like they’re doing a better job. 
You might think they’re better at coping with stress, hands-on care, working with family, or finding resources.
The truth is that you only know about a small part of their lives. 
It’s not realistic or fair to compare what little you know about their situation against your everyday caregiving reality. Most likely, they’re struggling just as much as you are – or more.
In this situation, it’s helpful to be honest with yourself about how realistic your expectations are. 
Nobody can do everything by themselves and there is no such thing as a perfect caregiver.
Set yourself up for success by setting achievable goals, getting help with caregiving, and taking time to care for yourself. That’s what keeps you going in the long run.
 





 

Good Morning,

A Geriatric Neuro Psychologist could assist you with the right dose of medication. Sometimes a little medication before going to bed can calm the person. You don't want to be like a zombie and you also don't want them to be like a statue or out of control.

Important: Has your grandmother been checked for a UTI, a simple urinalysis.
A shot of cranberry juice each day in the morning and white cotton briefs and railings around the toilet, NOT the booster seat since they/you cannot wipe as well. Lots of water and keep Pedialyte and Gatorade in the house at all times.

There are day respite programs that offer transportation to and from, breakfast, lunch, some have an RN on duty. For an added co-pay through Grandmother's health insurance physical therapy and/or speech therapy. My mother goes on a Tuesday morning so I can get the car serviced, banking, etc. without worrying. She attends for four hours and is now use to the routine. Everyone there that drives up, I drop Mom off and pick up, is in the same boat. Your loved one cannot be left unattended, they could wander or turn the stove on.

The "overnight" respites at facilities are out-of-pocket. However, with the 2023 calendar year a lot of insurance companies are offering added benefits--respite, dental, add-ons here and there that were not previously offered.

If your grandfather was a Veteran, there is $$$ (it's not a guarantee) called Aid & Attendance. You would need the discharge papers. Your grandmother would be eligible for financial help. It's a lot of paperwork. I recommend asking your Nurse Case Manager or a Social Worker to assist you with this.

Two years ago it was a nightmare with my loved one but now with the right medication things are calm and manageable. Although I did notice a change with Mom getting pensive, a panel of bloodwork can tell a lot "before" the trip to the Geriatric Neuro-Psy. I take Mom every six months for a "tune-up".

I would sign up for the portal and run everything pass your Grandmother's primary care doctor. They write the orders and do the assessment for admission to the facility (respite) you choose. Usually the nurse's in the PCP
office know a lot and are resourceful.

Half the country is in this situation. Whatever Church you belong to or if you think you should "formally" register for a nearby one of your denomination usually there are a lot of retirees that will come and help and sit.

Parishioners come every Sunday with a Bulletin, Communion a prayer and what is going on to bring the parishioner up-to-date on the happenings. They have never missed, rain or shine!

I hope I gave you some encouragement...you, your husband and your grandmother are all in my prayers!

It is an almost unforgivable “sin” to make a “promise” to ANYONE, no matter how dearly you love them, without having a full knowledge of the circumstances and consequences of what can happen when that promise is made, and subsequently carried out.

Then too, she has not become “mean, hateful, and hurtful”. She has become the victim of a harrowing illness that is progressively destroying her capacity to remember those she loved, and to manage hostile and angry feelings with any rational tools to address them logically.

You need help, and SHE needs help, but neither of you will get what you need unless you will consider releasing yourself from the stranglehold of a bad promise that was lovingly but innocently made.

PLEASE- do research on what financial aid is available to her, whether she may be able to benefit from Medicaid funding, residential settings in your area that might work for her and you, and other resources for geriatric patients with dementia.

I didn’t know what to do, just as you don’t, and by assuming totally wrongly that I had to do 100% of my mother’s care BY MYSELF, I achieved 60 extra pounds, a sleep disorder that persists 20 years later TO THIS DAY, and the sorrow of WASTING nearly 5 good years of my mother’s wonderful life in the care of a residential center near my home.

Please learn from my mistakes. YOU need to make a promise to YOURSELF. Please let that promise balance life for you and your husband. It’s ”up to you” to research, plan and provide the best care for your Mamaw, but not at the expense of yourself. You’re important too.

It’s time to place her. You have done an amazing and heroic job of caring for her for 5 years. 5 years of your life which matters too. Find her a nice MC facility and visit her there.

Your grandmother may have reached the point where she needs more than day care. Investigate placement options.

if you have a local office on aging … or state if none local … give them a call. There may be senior daycare center in your area that is daytime only no overnights.

Yes there are facilities for Senior Daycare! Search Daycare for Seniors in your location and go from there. I am in Oregon and I live in Tigard and employ a fine organization called Gen-Tog. The cater to young children and elder adults that just need to spend some time having fun and getting care from the management and staff.

Good Luck in your search!

Contact Adult Protective Services and request that they evaluate her for Memory Care and Medicaid. Explain that you were a temporary solution to a life-long problem that belongs to someone else: you got stuck in a nightmare and now you're retiring.

You need to practice self-care so that you can be healthy and fit (mentally and physically).

Look for Adult Day Care near you for daytime - usually week days - care for your loved one. Some programs are run by residential facilities (nursing homes) and others are stand alone businesses.

Look for respite care near you - many residential facilities (nursing homes) have options to care for your loved one for a few days to a few weeks.

Check with your county’s Dept of Senior Services or Dept of the Ageing. We found a lovely day program for 90 yr old MIL with Alzheimer’s, and were able to get a grant/waiver to help us cover the monthly cost. Good luck to you.

MamawHnalz: Perhaps you can check with your town's COA (Council on Aging); there they should have on staff a dedicated elder case worker and also a social worker. Those individuals should be able to guide you to a day care program for your grandmother. Perhaps you should consider placement for your grandmother in a managed care facility.

There are adult day care centers.

I have been taking care of my 101 yr old mother 24/7 for over 20 years, with occasional help from only one of 8 siblings. Even in a big extended family, as long as one member steps up as caretaker, no one is available, ready, or willing. In my experience, you can get all the help you can afford.

All of these answers are great, but I’d like to add that going to a large facility for any overnight stays is not recommended. I am in Michigan and recently discovered residential care homes. These places are home environments in nearby neighborhoods that are licensed for care. You can Google residential adult foster care They are only licensed to care for 6 residents. These places are not advertised because they fill up quickly and are usually full. But, I have found that they are much more suitable for proper care since they are run by people who actually want to care and keep safe our older family members with dementia or Alzheimer’s. Yes, they are private pay and they are not cheap, but I found that one of the large facilities respite care programs is the same amount per day as several of these residential care homes. Check out Care Patrol in your area. Go on the website and get the phone number and call them. They have people who find these places for you based on your exact needs. It sounds like you may need overnights because you are burnt out. Taking your loved ones to a place nearby your home will make you feel better and you may get a little break.
Good luck to you.