My father lost our mother 8 years ago and since then the house has become so dirty. The family have tried cleaning it but he gets very angry and tells us to get out, he is 89 years old and still has capacity to make decisions. He is very stubborn. He has a dog which we take out for walks around 3 to 4 times a week, she is fed well and we'll loved by him. Pads are on the floor for mishaps which we clean up. He is hoarding and he won't let us move or take any items away, the rooms are just so filthy. We have asked him so many times to live with us and he refuses, he says he likes living in his own house. We are worried if something happened to him and the paramedics were called, the state of the place, would we be liable for this?
Of course, you are not liable for the way your father chooses to live.
And, I would simply let him live as he wishes. It's not up to your standards,
but it is his way of living. I don't think it's necessary to call any authorities, unless he is in dire danger. And even then, if he dies in his home, with his beloved dog by his side, would that really be so bad? He has lived a long life, and has already lost his wife. Let him live on his own terms.
I would do whatever is possible to alert a doctor or social services to help your dad's condition. Although, at his advanced age, it may be impossible to effect any change in his hoarding or level of cleanliness now.
I know that it's difficult for you to let go, but there's only so much you can do. Stressing about something you cannot change will only affect your own health.
You can't get your dad to counselling, so I think you should do it for yourself, so that this situation doesn't overwhelm you.
Look after yourself.
Dad's in change of his own life at the moment.
Do you & your siblings have thoughts about if / when / how you may step in? A 'line in the sand' so to speak?
was nothing they could do. We had a clean house and clean bedroom for Mom so she liked coming to Mom's house.
I know a woman who is a millionaire and lives in an upscale neighborhood, in a beautiful home and who is a hoarder. She does have a cleaning woman come every other week to clean the areas that she can get to, but the rest stays in a hot mess. And because the hoarded areas can't be gotten to dirt accumulates.
The mental illness of hoarding does NOT discriminate.
I agree with others, if you take father into your home you don't want a repeat performance.
When there is no woman around, the men go right down hill unless they meet someone.
Keep checking up on him, it will come to head. Sometimes decisions are made for you.
I got to become friends with our main RN. Our local hospice had 260 clients in in home hospice care over a 4 county area. This was a very very poor part of the US. The vast majority of their
clients were in dirty, filthy homes with hoarding. Part of this was due to the extreme poverty.
I suspect as long as there was running water, food in the home, heat, and a toilet that worked that living in a dirty, filthy home with hoarding did not prevent home hospice care in my area and no one would be called to report.
But like your mother when the hospice nurses would come to my house when my late husband was under their care, there were several occasions when they would ask to use my bathroom, which of course I never minded. They would tell me that because my house was so clean they felt comfortable asking to use it as they knew they would never use the bathrooms in some of the other homes.
I was in a similar situation with my parents. The even had a mouse infestation.
We have the infestation under control now and my sister and I have been able to clear out 2 rooms of hoarding since my father's passing last year.
My mother still lives in the house and is refusing to accept outside help or move. Her house is still dirty but not as bad as it was a year ago.
All you can do is try and see if someone can take him out for a few hours and clean with him out of the house or hire someone and do a little bit at time.
Most Hoarders do not have dementia. This is a mental condition in the DSM-5 handbook, a separate diagnosis. You may be doing as well as you are able checking on him and his dog. He is 90. I am thankful someone is checking on the dog in case he passes in this Hoard. To be honest, at this point, pulling in the state will be a nightmare. They will want someone in the family to assume responsibility. You can't do that over someone who has no dementia.
Sadly, I am not certain that you are not doing the best that can be done here given the age. Thank you for caring about the beloved animal trapped in this mess, and watching over best you are able. And no you are not legally responsible, and I think are morally doing what you can.
They will do an emergency guardianship and take over your dad's life and finances. They will remove him from his home and quite possibly from his children's lives, the poor dog will go to the pound and that is only the beginning of what could happen.
My mom and step-dad lived in filthy, horrid squalor and APS informed me that they can live anyway they choose, as long as there is food and running water in the house. I regret calling because nothing came of it except anger and distrust, and they didn't know I called. Then I found out what could of happened and I was grateful that nothing happened.
Sometimes we have to deal with what we can and step away from the rest. If you all are willing to keep propping him up, then I really discourage you from involving the authorities. Oh by the way, not all senior stubbornness is the 1st signs of dementia, it is a scared senior fighting to NOT be taken from their home and made to live where someone else chooses.
This is a tough situation but I encourage you and your siblings to thoroughly decide what you can and can not do, what are your deal breakers and if you are ready to have your dad forcefully removed from his home and family, essentially loosing everything because he keeps house like an old man. The idea that we can keep others safe is such a day dream.
These are truly pick your battles wisely times.
case rather than seen for who they are. Like many things, there is a time and place for APS. Think hard before bringing authorities in and make sure that is really what you need to do.
Often a traumatic loss can trigger someone to start hoarding, which it sounds like happened with your father after your mother died.
And you definitely don't want a hoarder moving in and living with you.
Unfortunately you're going to have to wait for an incident to happen that will force changes. But until then just continue to take his dog for a walk as I'm sure that's the only exercise his dog is getting, and know that the next shoe will drop before you know it.
If your Father doesn't have an assigned PoA (and it seems unlikely he will do this at this stage of the game) then you will need to stop propping him up in his home as if he is "independent". He isn't. You all are orbiting around him. If he even agreed to move into your home his behavior and needs would probably grind everyone down to a pulp in no time (so the multitude of other posts on this forum that relate to "burnout").
I agree that reporting him to APS is your (and his) best chance at getting appropriate care going forward. He will NOT be cooperative in any other solution for himself -- especially if he is hoarding, which is a mental illness and needs the oversight of a special therapist to work with.
APS will work with a judge to have him assigned a court-appointed legal guardian so that someone can legally manage his affairs and make decisions in his best interests. He will hate this but it really is a viable solution (as it was for our family). You and your siblings just need to accept it as such.
None of us want to sit and wait for the enedible to happen, but because are parents want to live and die the way they want to in there home. We are waiting for something bad to happen so we can finally get them the help they need.
Or we are waiting for a car accident, because we can't get the keys away, and doctors don't see what we see, in a 15 minutes appointment.
This is many many of are lives.
I will say before your so ready to jump the gun and move dad into your home, think about it long and hard. Once you get them into your home it is next to impossible to get them out. You are talking a probably years of 24/7 caregiving. I would read other posters on here , to see what happens.
You could call APS that may give him a scare to at least help him clean up and his hoarding.
And if there is anyway you get him to re-home the dog, that would be best too.
Best of luck