Isthisrealyreal Asked May 2019
Are other states experiencing this?
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In Arizona we have had 2 caregivers kill the person they were caring for in the last 2 weeks. Both cases were the seniors' offspring. Is this overwhelming desperation happening in other areas? Just curious because we have a very large senior population with many instances of issues with caregivers.
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Thank for raising this, as unpleasant as it might be.
How are you doing? Hospice working well for your mom and you?
The media interviewed neighbors and the consensus was that the moms were lovely, kind little old women and the kids were wacked mental cases.
I couldn't help thinking that my mom would be portrayed as a good neighbor because she doesn't treat her neighbors like she does her "loved ones".
Last year a mom killed her senior son because he wanted to put her in AL.
Will it take a high profile individual to be driven to the edge before the media starts reporting the truth about caring for individuals who have been kept alive by medication and drastic surgeries, among other issues?
I live in the most dangerous city in AZ so I don't pay particular attention to the gang killings and such, but these really got my attention.
What happened to the young man, do you know?
Families need to be able to get affordable help.
Their mom had died and she became their guardian, non-verbal autistic children and her friends said that she was overwhelmed with caring for these young boys. I can't even imagine, twins are little gangsters anyway, then to have the challenges these poor boys had.
Does anyone know what happens if you tell your case worker that you are all used up and can't do it anymore?
Before anyone gets mad, I in no way endorse harming anyone who you have been intrusted to care for, actually I think violence is a really poor solution to anything. So for those of you that have said I don't care about others, keep it to yourself please. I am hoping that as caregivers we can be the change we would like to see. That takes hard conversations and bad guys from my experience, because someone needs to stand up and say enough mr. and ms. politician, your bs rhetoric is not helpful and you need to see the reality, not polling numbers.
Maybe my kids or grandkids will have options we don't.
I share with her via text that I feel gaslit. She texts back they haven't forgotten about me, and "Don't worry about your father, you have your hands full." I ask the social worker what their stated objective of "family support" actually means. She answers she's there for me. She has never been! This caseworker is no help whatsoever. I get my update feeds from a way-overworked and saintly daytime caregiver. The hospice revolving doors RN's are no different. Hospice RN and SW caseloads are actually magically like my caregiving "caseload" (see below, includes volunteers, contractors, neighbors, personnel smoothing) -- 14 people. They can't walk away because their livlihood depends on a certain "look."
The following paragraphs are just a riff-rant, no need to read because you all know it. The above paragraph is just my answer to the caseworker question.
Dad is bedridden and alone overnight. As I tune into Dad's remote cams at night (doesn't qualify for skilled nursing/Medicaid I've taken loan to cover home care) -- he looks like a corpse, skeletal, worse every day/week. His evening VA caregivers are surly and minimalistic. Hospice Social Worker claims he looks wonderful, great, amazing, he's 50 again (he's 98, wasting), and that hospice has no responsibility to train or quality check the early evening caregivers or visit during 10 p.m.-9:30 a.m. unless there is oxygen-type distress. I am a silently angry dead robot because I don't want to alienate hospice or do violence and I don't want to deal with getting another hospice and deal with yet another cycle of staffing changes and coordination. I count 14 regular caregiving contacts for my Dad, all to keep this house of cards rolling. I have lymphoma, CFS, IBS, eye and facial twitches, cry/body shakes from micro triggers all day long, hyperventalate, maniacal yoga in 1-2-minute takes, and I do the dead man walk -- zombie walk away, against my better angel. I am beginning to ignore calls. I legally cover my seemingly uncaring tracks. I keep Dad in his home, per hospice/medical/legal advice, because so far the home equity loans can be paid off whereas not so in a facility. Then I screw up my own domain and relationship issues. I have no time for support groups, but fit 1x/week therapy in, for which I am very grateful. Managed anger and sorrow. God help the Susan Smiths.
Occasionally I try to communicate with my local Congressional/lobbyist representatives. I get back form letters. THERE IS NO-ONE minding this store. Sometimes I think that Boomers get a bad rap because we don't have time to advocate for ourselves. What caregiver can write an Oscar-winning movie script or go viral with their daily lives?
Something to think about.
I just know that the grandma that killed her grandsons was definitely burned out, her friends said she was in over her head and worn to a frazzle. Gut wrenching to feel like that is the only solution.
I’d have a hard time convicting these people if I were on the jury.
Arizona does have a multitude of different climates and environments that create a diverse and beautiful state.
Keep coming, we need the sane ones so we can out number the beasts
It's surprisingly difficult to categorise and then to analyse the information. But in 2017 there were 369 recorded murders* (murders specifically, not including manslaughter or other types of homicide) in Arizona. Of those eight victims were over the age of 75, five men and three women. Bearing in mind that these were murders, and therefore not the result of negligence or accident, you have to conclude that - although thank God you still wouldn't call this common - it's a tragic theme in society that persists in the background whether or not the media are paying attention.
Nineteen people (age not specified) were murdered by their son or daughter.
Seven victims were aged from one to four years. I wish I hadn't looked at that bit.
I can think of at least three murders of vulnerable elders here in the UK in the last year or two without even pausing to look it up; and I'm pretty sure that if I were to look I'd find a lot more.
Unfortunately, what rarely gets reported is a detailed history of exactly what happened and how the people involved came to such a sad outcome. Headlines tend to be more about outrage than about learning, because that's what sells. Then people stop paying attention and move on to the next story.
*http://www.azdps.gov/sites/default/files/media/FINAL_Crime_in_Arizona_2017.pdf
Animals don't even do the horrendous things that humans do to one another.
Sad state for the human race.
We have been unseasonably cool, which means down in the 80s but no humidity.
No assumption about motive other than the caregiver killed. Obvious one or both people desperate in these situations that ended horribly. I agree that someone has to have evil to murder, no matter the who, what, where or why. Something in us tells us to take another life is going far to far.
I was curious because I think the media doesn't report about crimes until they are well in the epidemic range.
Maybe there should be more support for caregivers. The stress can be unbearable.
Then the ones that feel obligated and guilted can say, sorry my test reveals that I am not caregiver material. I could potentially be the end of you, so we need a different solution.
I am praying 🙏 for me and all the rest of us who are emotionally burned out and want out. Looking for a place for Mom to be cared. She's bed ridden and I can't handle her; like to move her to bathe or for toiletting, sit her up in bed, etc. Sadly I am realizing more and more that I just don't want to do this job anymore. How dare I. After all, I am getting old too and hope that someone would look out for me too...
Loving someone includes making the really difficult decisions, the really unpopular choices and putting their needs above their wants.
Praise God that you have a way to defuse yourself. Knee jerk reactions can be hard to deal with later on, I'm talking about being physical with a bedridden old lady, not blowing steam at a combative belligerent patient. No excuses but if you don't leak (vent) you blow. I always think of a pressure cooker when I start feeling it's to much. So you blow a little hot steam, better than blowing your lid and taking someone's head off.
Best of luck finding the perfect fit for your mom.
Forgiving yourself is important as in accepting the forgiveness He gives. Hugs!
Public perceptions about crime often don’t align with the data. News about caregivers murdering their loved ones catches your attention because you are a caregiver. It's like spotting your car on the highway - you are more aware of that which is familiar.
That said, life has been getting harder for many Americans, which is why suicide rates are up. Murder rates are down but I'm sure a certain percentage of deaths 25 years ago were in fact "mercy killings" but the state couldn't prove it. Most violent crime is committed by an intimate and not by a stranger, but again, violent crime rates are lower than they were 25 years ago.
Ageism is a thing, but it's not a known trigger for murder. More Americans are living longer and in worse health. Caregivers are burning out but many are afraid to stop out of fear of being accused and convicted of abandonment. The result is people like Gershun's niece who commit suicide or the caregiver dying prematurely.
omg that is creepy