Mom is 82 with peripheral neuropathy, frequent fractures and falls. She moved to Florida 2 years ago as she felt the warm weather more comfortable. None of our family live there. I am single, not too well off financially, not retired and cannot afford to drop everything to go take of her. She used to live nearby until 2 years ago. I do not have a home equipped for the handicapped. She left her own comfortable affordable home to move 1,000 miles away.
My issue is she is very angry, feels abandoned and is in a lot of physical pain. She feels no one cares about her and says mean things when I call. I had asked her not to move so far away and told her I would not abandon my own well being to take care of her. She said not to worry about it.
I am trying to be supportive. She is my mother. There is really nothing I can do for her. When I call her on the phone she is very unhappy and distraught. I feel so bad, but I know there is nothing I can do for her. She is vey angry that she is disabled.
I know I am doing my best. I have 5 siblings who are also supportive of her. They also have personal economic problems to care of themselves and cannot drop what is going on on their own lives to care for her.
I advise any older person to stay near their family and be grateful for the life they have lived. I was extremely ill in my 40's. I took care of myself. I cannot mortgage my future to care for anyone, especially if they are 1,000 miles away.
I wish she had never moved away. But that would not have made her happy either. She simply seems very angry that she has become old and is not able to do things as independently as she was once accustomed to.
Nothing for me to do except be as supportive as possible. I will be old one day too. I have no kids, no husband, no property. I really don't expect anyone to take care of me but myself. While I empathize with my Mom, I am not in the position to "drop everything" to wait in her hand and foot.
There were other elderly members of my family who were not well. They got the household help they needed and I was as supportive as I could be. None of them expected me to forgo my own welfare to care for them. I helped them, supported them and comforted them. I was there for them in their final days. It is too much to ask a child to forsake their own welfare to be a handmaiden.
Again, advice to elders - stay near your children if you want companionship and help. It is too much to ask a child to uproot their own life and sacrifice their own economic future to take care of a far away parent. I really feel her expectations are unreasonable. But I cannot change the fact that she is so angry and hurt. She will not go to a counsellor and she is not religious. She is simply angry every single day, which I don't think I can do anything about.
Anybody else with this going on? Angry parent that is inconsolable?
So I think you're making a wise choice to care for yourself and be supportive of mom within limits. You're not her only support -- she has other children to turn to for their help as well. She's made her choices, which have not made her happy in the long run, but I'm not sure she'd be happy living near you (or even with you) and with all the support you could give her.
So do what you can to listen and be supportive, but take care of yourself emotionally. Only your mom can make herself happy. That's not your job.
Contact your Mom's county agency on aging for programs such as Case Management, Meals on Wheels, Adult Day Care, housing, care referrals, etc,... go to the website link below.... click on your State.... now click on the city/county. https://www.agingcare.com/local/Area-Agency-on-Aging
I don't know what is the draw to Florida for seniors... it's almost like a Stepford Wive's horn being sounded and they all are drawn there. I assume your Mom is in a senior community. Has she made any friends there? One would think once she started making friends she would be too busy to think of negative things. Maybe she realized she made a mistake moving and doesn't know how to get out of it.
Since it was your Mom's choice to move 1000 miles away, she has to take on the responsibility of her choice.... not you. Think twice before you move down to Florida to help her. I don't have any children, either, so we both need to think of our own future and plan ahead.
In my case I'm the one that moved, 30 years ago, 600 miles from my folks. When you're 30 and get a good job offer out of state the last thing you're thinking about is elder care 30 years down the road. I go home as needed and will see my folks through old age but I'm not moving back home. I used to feel guilty but I didn't have much choice 30 years ago . I had to take the job to survive.
Thanks for your insightful post.
It's a good idea to ask her county office of the aging to check on her. If she throws them out you tell her "We sent help. You refused it."
My friend knew her parents were in trouble and sent a Social Worker. The father was in late Alzheimer's and would wander off. The mother would not answer the door. Ultimately the Father got a UTI, went septic and had to be taken to the ER. He died shortly thereafter.
You can't make choices for them. Old age is stubborn. All you can do is tell them "You got yourself in this mess, not me."
In our country, we we do not have a village culture. We are encouraged to stand on our own two feet and go out and find our own lives. Keeping a job, a home, and our own lives means we cannot easily take on the burden of another adult. And we probably don't want to, even if it is our parent. It is the same with child-rearing. Many do not want to stay at home and give up their life and career to the daily task of raising children.
To solve this, our country has the childcare and eldercare industry. Is this the best choice? I don't know. But there are people and facilities out there who have chosen caring for children and the elderly as their career, and have the training, temperament and resources to do so. They are better equipped to take on this work than most of us.
Our parents want their family, rather than strangers, to help them. In truth, that is not the best solution for most of them because their family would be miserable, untrained, resentful assistance. Your mom needs the assistance of someone who has chosen this job. That person will be more patient and able to assist with her comfort. Then she will be more open to your reaching out to stay connected with her emotionally. And once that person, or facility, is familiar to her, she won't think of it as being cared for by strangers.
This is not coming from someone looking at this from the outside. My mother has Alzheimer's and is living in my home. My husband and I both have demanding jobs, are both in college full time, and neither of us have the patience for taking care of her. I am faced with needing to put her in a facility soon, and she does not want to go. We are currently paying our daughter to care for her for 6-8 hours a day, but she has four children to take care of already. Will we feel a little guilty when the time comes? Yes. Will my mother feel a little abandoned? Yes. Will she be well cared for and will we be able to go on with our lives? Yes. Not perfect, but the best case scenario for everyone.
Don't feel like there is a perfect way to make everyone happy that you are missing because you are selfish. That is not the case. You are human, your mom is human, and this is the human condition in our country. You are all good people who love each other. In the end, that is what matters.
My Grandparents were old school people. My parents were divorced and sold our childhood home (6 kids) before any if us were even in High School. Talk about changing times! They blazed the trail!
I understand that it is not perfect and the society is different. And Barbara, my great cousin Frieda had a similarly loving family as yours. In the end, she did stay in a nursing facility because of the practical, medical and economic realities of her care. Her family was very tight knit, she and her late husband John were devoted to one another and their children. My cousin Louis visited her frequently. She often did not know who he was. She received very good care.
Even in the best of circumstances it is difficult caring for someone with exceptional medical and physical needs.
As for parents who leave their children in day care I cannot comment, as I, sadly, have no children myself. I would only say if a person is unsuited for parenthood, they should avoid producing children! I think that is a discussion for another forum.
This discussion is about caring for elders, who are OUR parents. An interesting caveat is that often the very parents who demand the most were absent or "not all there" for their own children in their formative years.
Be that as it may, the present discussion revolves around how much can a person do to help an elderly parent.
My feeling is I wish I were in a position to do more, but the reality is I can do no more than I am at present. There is no blame or shame, just reality.
My mother is recovering very good care where she is in Florida and she has a fairly supportive community of friends. I appreciate one of the commentators suggestion that she might want to come back here. The fact is we would have to find her a new home as she divested herself of her old one. That was my mission for quotes a while, but she insisted she did not want it so I handed it off to another sibling.
I also understand there is a certain point where the person becomes so weary, it may be time for the kids to make up their mind for them.
I thank all the people in this forum for their thoughtful, kind and helpful comments , advice and support.
Kidnumber2
Good luck and please let the guilt go. When you do the best you can, then that's all you can do.
Long distance caregiving can really bite. I did for for a few years before moving Mom here...it sounds like your mom just kind of assumed you would follow her and take care of her wherever she went, so now she's mad that her grand plan did not work out! Some people do uproot for a parent, some regret it and some don't. There is no one size fits all answer.
Today's OT reading at church - it was about Amos, the prophet. I think he could become the patron saint of many of us on here. He felt called by God to go prophesy in a foreign land, and he gave up everything he had, only to be totally non-appreciated to put it mildly. He probably wanted nothing more than to go back to tending sheep and dressing sycamores. But you know what - Mom's grand plan made without your input or consent is not necessarily God's calling.
I did not uproot for my parents partly because I had family ties here where I am; it turns out I could have had or at least applied for a job in my specialty where they lived that opened up shortly after Mom passed on. We had lost Dad about a year and a half before that. So, I will never know if I was supposed to have been another Amos or just a pedi rehab doc in Arkansas. I think maybe I did was I was supposed to do, which entailed getting really handy with a fax machines and online banking, plus traveling in person every 6-8 weeks alternating driving and flying, and timing her doctor's appointments for when I'd be there in town. Geriatric case managers were kind of a bust for me - I tried one for an appointment I could not get away form work to attend with Mom, and well, let's just say, I never tried again - ended up with neither the doctor nor myself getting the information we really needed, but YMMV. Now, when I imagine trying to live with my mom as her dementia, diabetes, and delusions took over, even with all the right equipment and some help and respite, I think even more so that it would not have been doable, especially considering where I was emotionally when it all started, versus where I am now after a few years to recover and reflect on the experience, while sharing with people on here and with friends going through the same things.
One other thing to weigh in the equation is whether mom left friends behind when she moved who might be a comfort to her if she moved back, versus whether warmer weather really beat familiarity in terms of her happiness. When I finally moved my mom to my city, a big factor was that only one friend was still visiting at all there, and she had two grandkids plus me and even my hubby here. And climate is not as important once you are living mostly indoors anyway - we used facility care even here in Arkansas and I had my snow/ice route to her all mapped out. She said she did not want to die alone and because she was here, I was with her when the time came. I think your mom is far from dying but that is also something to think about. You won't regret doing what you reasonably possibly can and even stretch some to do, for mom's happiness. But don't do something that actually directly harms you or others in your family just because mom will be mad or you will feel guilty. Listen to both head and heart and steer the best course you can. There is no guarantee of no regrets, whatever you do or don't do...the second guessing is pretty much unavoidable for many of us! I think we all have an ideal in our heads of close knit families who can take care of everything without outside help, but the ideal is a blessing that all of us do not have.
My Mom is being treated for osteoporosis with the latest and best medical options. Her bone density has improved significantly. She take Lyrica for pain all day long. She does have assistance with personal care and she really has not lost her mind yet. I do accept that her choice was to move to Florida. The main problem is she is disappointed that all of us will not drop everything to keep her company. And for sure, when the good weather is no longer a factor - that is she cannot get out - she is planning to move up this way to a live in facility. She could actually be cared for at her own home, except for the fact that she sold it. There is not enough money to buy her a new home. She gave up her independence when she gave up that home. I tried to make her understand that, but she made the decision in the moment.
I appreciate the comments about the family meeting. I also made many attempts to find her senior living in this area which I felt would be ideal. One place which had a social worker on the premises, offered meals on wheels, was less than 1/4 mile from senior social center, safe and secure, close to transportation, hospital, doctors and cultural activities, was 5 minutes walking distance from where I live. She said she hated the neighborhood. Okay. This is where I live and she hated it here. There is nothing that is good enough for her magical dreams of recovering perfect health and living in a perfect environment forever.
It is best for her to stay in Florida until she is incapacitated. Then she can some up north and live in a nursing home. Every solution has some shortfall for her.
I realize that there may be a point that she will need to be picked up and brought back here. She is beginning to contemplate that as well. This is some level of progress. It is unrealistic for her kids to drop everything to go fly to Florida, stay in a hotel, then run errands for 3 days, then come back. She has help. She has medical assistance. She resents that her "ungrateful" kids do not sacrifice more for her.
I would like an all expense paid trip around the world. I have not gone on a vacation since 2002. A few days at the beach would be great for me.
That's what I'll do.