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This has easily been the case in my family for years. You’ll find many on the site in the same situation for a myriad of reasons. For me, I’ve found, and it took a good while, that I had to accept that nothing I was going to say or do was going to change anyone else, I could only choose not to be bitter and resentful as it made me a much worse person and didn’t affect those others a bit. It’s perfectly fine to ask for more help, and you should, but should it prove that you aren’t going to get it from family you’ll have to look at other options like professional help. Try to do proactive things to make your situation better, just being angry over the lack of help improves nothing and wears you out. I’ve done way too much of that, now looking at it from a new angle and doing better
Thanks, I just feel like my life is on hold, and noone even thinks twice about it. I feel guilty for feeling this way, but im giving up my freedom and noone helps.
I suppose they think as long as you are willing to do it, why should they help? On the other hand, you sound like someone who will just not let your LO go without care because your siblings are too lazy or self centered to help.
Could you have a family conference saying you are happy to do a certain amount of caregiving, but also need every one else to chip in a certain amount? I myself do not have my own family and my brothers do, so they seem fine to let me do it all. I laid down the law with them. I said I do have more time and flexibility than they do, and as such, am happy to do a lions share of the work. But I cannot do it all and I need them to chip in a certain amount. One brother seemed to take that to heart and has done what he can and the other brother seems not to give a rip, so the effort has helped somewhat.
Thank you Karsten, it sounds like my situation. Im the one with no kids at home and not married, also the daughter. It seems daughters are expected to nurture. I plan to take tpyr advice and demand (nicely) help.
I have felt that way many times over the years. Last year I decided to just send a text to my siblings that I was leaving for 2 weeks to go on vacation with my husband that that mom was on their watch. LOL They stepped up. If you do it all, they will let you do it all.
I know there are more women than men who are caregivers so I'm in the minority here, but I can relate too.
I have sister who lives out of state and keeps saying she wishes she could help. So one year I took her up on here offer and my mother stayed with her for December. I figury Christmas time would be a safe time. Boy was I wrong, I was reminded that what's meant to happen will happen and I can only try to do my best.
My mother has not lived with my sister since and prob never will. The "I wish I could help" from my sister are just holllow words to help her feel better but I know the truth.
I have never been married so no kids, its just me and my mom and I've learned a ton about caregiving.
To be honest, yeah I feel like I'm being taken advantage of from my sister, but I know I can provide better care.
The problem is finding time for yourself and taking care of your health. I'm struggling with this a lot and feel more overwhelmed than ever before and my health is going down. I want to throw in the towel and just keep driving away but like most people, but I don't because I care and I'm sure you too.
The only advice I have is to consider yourself lucky if family helps, don't forget to take some time for yourself (and I know that's hard at time). And remember, all we can do is try to do our best.
Roger, watch that you don't get too close to burnout.... especially if your mom's health worsens and things become too much for you. IF you ever have to put her in AL or a NH or better yet, a group home, DO it without guilt and visit her. It can give you two a whole new relationship when you are not the actual caregiver, but a beloved son and guest come to visit her.
Same here, no kids, not married and no one else stepped up to take care of Grandma. So I did.
And now I’m living with her doing full time caregiving and family is far away and unavailable.
My advice is to keep part of your life your own. I work, have a boyfriend and try and have ‘me’ time.
My life has changed dramatically but I’m trying to not dwell on what I’ve lost but what I’ve gained. A close relationship with my grandma that no one else has.
But I still worry I won’t be able to go on vacation for awhile!
I hear you. I, too, felt the same way with my own siblings. I think being the oldest and a people pleaser just made it easy for my siblings to dump everything on me. I know its not easy.
Since my father's passing, I realized how angry and resentful I was about my role and how little they did. Hindsight is 20/20 but I wished I had done things differently. I should have managed my expectations better and sought out more help or looked at different options.
I allowed myself to become burned out, angry, depressed and worst of all indifferent. I feel like I let my dad down in the last year of his life.
Snizzer, please know we are with you. And we hear you. Thinking of you.
I don’t know what others feel. Maybe most feel they dodged a bullet). If you’d known how your life would change in the future, caring for a parent, would you have blindly taken it on?
But I cannot do much to help hands on or off. I’m disabled and not good at financial matters. I try to think of what I can do but mostly I feel guilty and just want to see my mother. I thank God she’s in a nice AL. She seems happy and sweet, like before life happened to her.
If there is money in your parents' estate, SPEND IT on caregivers or AL. DO NOT burn yourself out only to have money left behind for your brothers to inherit, especially when they did nothing to help care for her and your caregiving ensured there was money saved for THEM! I know of 2 ladies who did ALL the caregiving of their parents. The parents had 2 big farms, lots of land, 2 houses. After the father, then the mother passed, the will left both farms and houses to the non-helping brothers and left $10,000 to each of the sisters! They could have sold ONE of those farms and paid for caregivers, respite care or AL. So, spend your parents' money on their care (if there is any).
Yes, hire help with moms money, if no money, check what social services are available and apply for what ever help she qualifies for.
I have read to many posts about 1 offspring doing all the care, then being even angrier that the inheritance gets shared equally. Any money should be spent on elder care and YES this means giving the main caregiver respite.
Take care of you and your heart while caring for your mom, your siblings will have to live with their choices, hopefully with no money from mom, as it was spent to give her the best quality of life available and this means a well rested, healthy caregiver.
Could you ask for their financial help in setting up a caregiver to come in and give you some time for yourself once or twice a week? The caregiver could shower her, change her bedding and do her laundry while you got a massage or went for a walk...just to get some relief from the constant concern and time for just YOU.
It’s just my brother and me. Dad trusts me a bit more, so dad asked me to take over the financials, etc. However, brother and I are on great terms, and we divide and conquer. While I do the financials, brother does everything else-prepared dad’s home to sell, worked with contractors/realtors/etc. dad lives near me in AL, and I see him several times a month. I found he settled in much better when I left him alone to make friends. Brother calls several times a week, and visits every few months. I know I am fortunate in this.
This is the same for me as well. I'm one of five children. I'm the youngest. Never married. No kids. Have 2 living brothers and 1 sister. No one helps. I even pay for a sitter so i can go to work. I go through spells of anger and depression but I've ultimately determined to let it go.
I began to step into the role of care giver in my family as long ago as 1992. At the time I was able to work a little and "care" for my Father before he died. Then came Mom, who little by little became sicker, and although I gave many, many years of my life to helping her, I don't regret it despite my present financial situation. Then, something else happened and I didn't think because it was not family. My ex-spouse is very ill and had my son living with him to attend the school district. I lost my place by going in and out of his to be close to my son (this I don't regret). I was in the stage of care giver "burnout" and moved back by my older boyfriend's to "rest". He was diagnosed with Cancer 2 weeks later. I never got the medical care I needed, have been here for well over a full year, and have a written agreement. He doesn't listen and now I work a dead end weekend job to afford to live. Our health aide quit yesterday - couldn't handle the 9 hours a week, so we had "help" for only 6 hours with the exception of his Sister who has come in Summers and is very helpful. So, each time I prayed it would get better it didn't. I now have researched what is available to caregivers in our state and am trying to get involved in changing things. ONE THING I DO KNOW: Write out an agreement, make sure all in family are involved in signing it, don't allow the ill person to make financial decisions without you present, and continue to do what you do best and give your parent LOVE, so they live with the dignity and respect they so deserve. Somehow I know someday you will be rewarded in a way which might not be financial, but you will be the one who really spent the time with the family member or friend and they will have the regrets. It will eat away at them for years. Yes, take vacations, go to support meetings and continue to be the "special person you are". Just don't forget the agreement. It is personal and should be done when the situation begins! Not near the end. So many of us, just fall into the role and don't realize it can go on for YEARS. You don't get those years back. Make the most of your time - reach out to others in same situation for support and information in your area. God Bless you.
Dear Snizzer, all you can do is ask. Your out nothing doing that. And ask in a nice way and let the family know that it’s taking a toll on you and you need help. If you get nothing then set up home health care for help. Medicare pays for a lot. Just having someone to give you a break helps. Explain look family, if we are a family everyone needs to pitch in, otherwise I’m going to do it my way, and no complaints from anyone! Yuki
So much good advice here. Get professional help and use any financial resources available. Your time is your money and your health. Don’t let this jeopardize your own well being be it financial or health. Spend their inheritance and get social services involved for adequate care. Then if sibs decide to help even better as you want the best of care.
Have you asked for specific help from brothers/sisters-in-law and been turned down? Or just upset they haven't offered any help? Generally men are less likely to "see" what needs doing and far less likely to step forward for anything they don't have experience doing. Sister-in-laws may hesitate to step in without invitation too - afraid to step on toes. You might try asking for specific things that would help you. If your LO is still capable of going out, ask if a brother and his wife could pick him/her up and take them to dinner (at their house or a restaurant) one night a week. Or maybe bring dinner and eat with your LO while you get out of the house. Ask for help mowing the lawn, servicing your car, installing grab bars, etc. I have one brother that has never initiated any care giving for our parents, but has never failed to step up when I have asked for help. Another brother only wants to "help" if he is making all the decisions independently - regardless of anyone else's wishes, including my parents. It's a mixed bag, but you will never know what help is available if you don't ask for it. Please don't let your anger build because your brothers don't automatically step in to share the load. They may just feel unqualified to know what to do or how to help - so ask nicely for help and give them a chance to step up.
You've received great answers here!! Especially about caring for yourself and spending any money on care of the both of you.
I have basically done it all and then also faced a situation with my brother MIA and my sister almost completely MIA.
Wait till you get what I got from my sister!! She's okay bringing in a paid caregiver but I shouldn't get paid--even before there was a caregiver-- because, and I quote, "It's your mother" and "you can go out to work these hours and those hours" as she cherrypicked the hours I could leave the house as if I could find a job like that. In the meantime she says she can't get time off work to come here, but then she goes on international vacations with her family, and I basically can't leave to see my own SO in another state. And my SO is the only one who helps me AND takes care of everything up there!!
Then the suggestions that by getting any assistance with my bills (because I can't work a regular job) that it's illegal because she's trying to tell me I'm stealing.
For all they don't do, the harassment, criticism and accusations from my sister are insane!! I NEVER thought she'd ever go that far! Never! I figured I'd face opposition asking to be paid, but it went straight to the scapegoating and much worse.
Be careful!! I am speaking from experience!! Please be careful!!
My mom contributes with this issue because she refuses to accept outside caregivers. I suspect because it costs money. She has money but wants to “save it for children”. I am the only one that helps her and the only one she will accept. But I know all my siblings will be waiting in line for their “fair share” when she dies. They’ll all come out of the woodwork at that point.
I feel you. My oldest brother has been coming every other day to shower our dad which has been a huge help and my sister stays with him to give my husband and I a break. My other 2 brothers help when they can and my husband puts my dad in bed every night. I used to feel resentful and angry, but it only made me sick. I told my siblings as well as my dad I’m hiring a caregiver for his safety and my sanity. He has no use of his legs so it’s been hard to move him. As soon as the caregiver is in place, I will be able to breathe again. My heart goes out to all family members who are caring for their loved ones. It’s the hardest job in the world. You will eventually reap the rewards for doing so. God Bless!
Ooops this is my life since I am on disability and don’t work it’s on me and it’s breaking my heart that my brother refusing to go see her he said when she gets out she is going to be all alone I cannot do this to my mom
I feel your pain! My situation is slightly different. I have been a nurse for 34 years and still work 40 hrs a week. I moved my Mom in with me 3 months ago after going back and forth to her house for a year. My brother is retired from the Navy but I have to beg him to help at all and most of the times he says he has things to do. And I’ll add that he only lives 5 miles away. So now I have to pay sitters. He won’t help with the expense either. In fact my Mom was hospitalized 5 days ago in ICU for sepsis and I took off work and have stayed 24/7. Thankfully I was allowed to stay with her even in ICU. Not only did my brother not stay a single night but he also left today for a ten day vacation to the beach followed by 8 days at Disney World and he’ll be 800 miles away if anything happens! 🙄🤦🏼♀️
I have already made my comment for whatever its worth, but in reading comments its noteworthy how there are so many people, like me, who because they are the one who is unmarried and has no family, others assume they can do all the work. Sometimes being unmarried with ones own family is tough enough for other reasons, but then to have that piled onto have others assuming you can do all the work. I have the extra burden or blessing that I am without a job now, but fortunately am financially secure, but once again it makes others thinkg I can do it al.
I know at the same time there are people with families of their own and jobs and are STILL required to do all the caregiving, so in a way that's even worse. But having ones own personal situation which is already tough (or not, when I see how my brothers wife treats him, I am so happy I am not married) just tgives others an excuse to abuse you, its tough.
I ‘ve been caring for my mother for 4 years with very limited help from my 3 Siblings. I’m burnt out from caring for her. I recently notified my siblings I’m moving my mother to Senior Housing and hiring Home care providers for daily care. I also advised them they would need to contribute financially to cover Mom’s expenses. I haven’t heard back from any of them and it’s been a couple of days. You want to try it. Maybe it will work for you.
Thanks for being the one to make it to the finished line with an ever flowing basket of blessings! Count yourself as a caregiver lucky! You are truly working out your soul,s salvation!
Absolutely Snizzer! Very tired. The entire deal landed in my lap and now even though my good for nothing brother and his wife who have no children live less than 3 miles away they have never once offered anything or asked how they can help. You can sum this one up by they do ASSUME. Either that or they are in complete DENIAL. My life has been on hold for 8 years.
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Could you have a family conference saying you are happy to do a certain amount of caregiving, but also need every one else to chip in a certain amount? I myself do not have my own family and my brothers do, so they seem fine to let me do it all. I laid down the law with them. I said I do have more time and flexibility than they do, and as such, am happy to do a lions share of the work. But I cannot do it all and I need them to chip in a certain amount. One brother seemed to take that to heart and has done what he can and the other brother seems not to give a rip, so the effort has helped somewhat.
I have sister who lives out of state and keeps saying she wishes she could help. So one year I took her up on here offer and my mother stayed with her for December. I figury Christmas time would be a safe time. Boy was I wrong, I was reminded that what's meant to happen will happen and I can only try to do my best.
My mother has not lived with my sister since and prob never will. The "I wish I could help" from my sister are just holllow words to help her feel better but I know the truth.
I have never been married so no kids, its just me and my mom and I've learned a ton about caregiving.
To be honest, yeah I feel like I'm being taken advantage of from my sister, but I know I can provide better care.
The problem is finding time for yourself and taking care of your health. I'm struggling with this a lot and feel more overwhelmed than ever before and my health is going down. I want to throw in the towel and just keep driving away but like most people, but I don't because I care and I'm sure you too.
The only advice I have is to consider yourself lucky if family helps, don't forget to take some time for yourself (and I know that's hard at time). And remember, all we can do is try to do our best.
And now I’m living with her doing full time caregiving and family is far away and unavailable.
My advice is to keep part of your life your own. I work, have a boyfriend and try and have ‘me’ time.
My life has changed dramatically but I’m trying to not dwell on what I’ve lost but what I’ve gained. A close relationship with my grandma that no one else has.
But I still worry I won’t be able to go on vacation for awhile!
I hear you. I, too, felt the same way with my own siblings. I think being the oldest and a people pleaser just made it easy for my siblings to dump everything on me. I know its not easy.
Since my father's passing, I realized how angry and resentful I was about my role and how little they did. Hindsight is 20/20 but I wished I had done things differently. I should have managed my expectations better and sought out more help or looked at different options.
I allowed myself to become burned out, angry, depressed and worst of all indifferent. I feel like I let my dad down in the last year of his life.
Snizzer, please know we are with you. And we hear you. Thinking of you.
But I cannot do much to help hands on or off. I’m disabled and not good at financial matters. I try to think of what I can do but mostly I feel guilty and just want to see my mother. I thank God she’s in a nice AL. She seems happy and sweet, like before life happened to her.
I have read to many posts about 1 offspring doing all the care, then being even angrier that the inheritance gets shared equally. Any money should be spent on elder care and YES this means giving the main caregiver respite.
Take care of you and your heart while caring for your mom, your siblings will have to live with their choices, hopefully with no money from mom, as it was spent to give her the best quality of life available and this means a well rested, healthy caregiver.
So, each time I prayed it would get better it didn't. I now have researched what is available to caregivers in our state and am trying to get involved in changing things.
ONE THING I DO KNOW: Write out an agreement, make sure all in family are involved in signing it, don't allow the ill person to make financial decisions without you present, and continue to do what you do best and give your parent LOVE, so they live with the dignity and respect they so deserve. Somehow I know someday you will be rewarded in a way which might not be financial, but you will be the one who really spent the time with the family member or friend and they will have the regrets. It will eat away at them for years. Yes, take vacations, go to support meetings and continue to be the "special person you are". Just don't forget the agreement. It is personal and should be done when the situation begins! Not near the end. So many of us, just fall into the role and don't realize it can go on for YEARS. You don't get those years back. Make the most of your time - reach out to others in same situation for support and information in your area. God Bless you.
I have basically done it all and then also faced a situation with my brother MIA and my sister almost completely MIA.
Wait till you get what I got from my sister!! She's okay bringing in a paid caregiver but I shouldn't get paid--even before there was a caregiver-- because, and I quote, "It's your mother" and "you can go out to work these hours and those hours" as she cherrypicked the hours I could leave the house as if I could find a job like that. In the meantime she says she can't get time off work to come here, but then she goes on international vacations with her family, and I basically can't leave to see my own SO in another state. And my SO is the only one who helps me AND takes care of everything up there!!
Then the suggestions that by getting any assistance with my bills (because I can't work a regular job) that it's illegal because she's trying to tell me I'm stealing.
For all they don't do, the harassment, criticism and accusations from my sister are insane!! I NEVER thought she'd ever go that far! Never! I figured I'd face opposition asking to be paid, but it went straight to the scapegoating and much worse.
Be careful!! I am speaking from experience!! Please be careful!!
I know at the same time there are people with families of their own and jobs and are STILL required to do all the caregiving, so in a way that's even worse. But having ones own personal situation which is already tough (or not, when I see how my brothers wife treats him, I am so happy I am not married) just tgives others an excuse to abuse you, its tough.