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I am the primary caregiver for my 87 year old, severely mentally ill (clinically diagnosed) mother who is starting down the dementia path. We have always had an emotionally estranged relationship -- she was horribly emotionally abusive to me as a child and still is now -- and I have no siblings, and there is really no other family. She is still living alone in an apartment with aides who come and go (she is on community medicaid) and who can do basic stuff for her (laundry, shopping, pharmacy pickup, etc). I am her POA and take care of everything else: finances, her apartment, her health, and I try and do it from a distance because she's utterly horrible. (She stayed with me and my partner during Covid because I wanted her out of NYC and I had a stroke 2 weeks after she went home.)
Some days are fine and some days are awful, and yesterday was hideous, and I hit the wall. I was and am still in full throttle anxiety overdrive to the degree that I can't get my hands to stop shaking.
One of my dearest friends—significantly younger than I with a young and vibrant mom—responds to every text about my mother (my friend reached out to me in this case) with extremely logical and wise suggestions that are just not doable because they're not doable, like giving up POA, which would be INSANE. Today, she said that she had to step back because she feels that I'm spiraling downward and that I seem to want her to hold my hand and pull her down with me, and that I'm triggering her. That response was provoked because I asked her, after she sent me her first "this is what you need to do" text to not lecture, that I just needed to know she was there.
And then it occurs to me: do any of you with younger friends find yourself losing them because they just do not get eldercare???

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Yes, and I think it's absolutely normal. Sadly, caretaking can only be appreciated, understood, and respected by folks that have done it, or are doing it.

For some reason, individuals who've walked the walk (be it addiction or caretaking, in my case) seem to mostly be the only folks we (I) felt comfortable talking with. And they were my only lifelines, and I'll love them and be grateful to them until my last breath.

Part 2; It's All About Me: At the final end of my 30 year marriage I moved into my mom's house where I'd grown up, because I was an emotional wreck and needed time to let the dust settle. She was driving, playing weekly bridge, an avid reader and news watcher; within 2-3 years she was in steep decline.

I initially turned to each of my sisters (older and younger) for emotional and practical support, and neither were supportive [either couldn't or wouldn't]; both suggested that I should move out because 'mom was fine' but that I was '[incapable] of 'dealing' with the constant flurries of mini-strokes, UTIs, falls, countless 911 calls after midnight, because I was 'too fragile'. In fact, I was 100% on the ball and being heroic by modest standards; sisters were physically and emotionally absent from both mom and me.

Ironically, as I became involved with recovery groups, there were three other of 'us' living with an caretaking--all 40+ y/o men, who seem to be less critical and more patient with their moms than me, the daughter. [That may be a false assumption, I know!]

These folks, and THIS FORUM, kept me sane for 5+ years! Thank you all!!!
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Today is my birthday. It’s just like any other day for the past 10 months. (perhaps a touch more weeping than normal) Same routine of diaper changes, giving medications, cooking/cleaning, managing bills & appointments, etc. No day off for me. I do get a few hours during the week to do my own chores when my hired caregiver is available. My brother & his family live very close by but they can’t be bothered to help & they view me as trash anyway. They didn’t even wish me a Merry Christmas.
My friends have all ghosted me slowly over the years. The first batch left while I did the caregiving for my dying mother. After she died I was forced into caregiving for my father. I was able to still work a real job, until he got sicker & weaker last year. That’s when the remaining friends departed. In a few cases I tried to confront them about it. I was told I’m “no fun to be around anymore” or “We don’t have much in common anymore” and my favorite “ Our paths have just gone separate ways”.
I’m only in my early 40s & never married or had children. It’s a mistake to think anyone in my demographic would understand my situation I guess. And perhaps mine is just the new norm for single adult women- alone, trapped, forgotten.
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bundleofjoy Feb 2023
happy bday!!!! :) :) :)
❤️🙂
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A “true” friend will NEVER abandon you. A true friend will be there for you no matter how rough the circumstance is. This person was not a true friend to you. Just thank the Good Lord above that you got rid of your fake friend.
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Daphne131 Feb 2023
“True friends” will and do in fact leave when you no longer have the commonality in life. It’s okay that friends leave. They were true friends for only that time in life. When their lives change or your lives change your relationship changes and thst is normal, okay, and required.

Anyone making ultimatums about a true friend will never leave is incorrect. Do you still have all your grade school friends? Of course not. People mature and have different life callings so friends leave.

No one should say lossing a friend is being “abandoned” by that friend. That’s so negative, untrue. I

t’s psychobabble that friends are forever. Your friends change as you change and as they change. A “True friend” is a Hollywood fictional version of friendship. Saying “true friends” don’t abandon” is all so dramatic. Maybe those friends had bad things happen in their lives and don’t wish to speak about it or feel bad about it. Maybe they have depression, anxiety worrying about their own adult children and don’t have time for the same friendships.

To misclaim or denote that a “True Friend” doesn’t abandoned you is childlike thinking. People stop becoming friends for many healthy reasons but mostly, bc they lack common life events.

Once caring for a parent is over or reduced, you can reach out to those friends and maybe their lives have become parallel to yours again.

It is healthy, okay, wise not to be friends with your prior friends, if they don’t relate to you any longer, have addictions, don’t give you empathy or happiness.

A friend is for a time period in your life. Different friends for different time periods is healthiest.
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Back when I was still working I hired an assistant. She was about 20 years older than I was and had a very "bold" personality. After her first day on the job I was thinking OMG what did I do? Then we got to know each other and bonded over managing an elderly parent. She had it so much worse than I did. The expectation that she should give up her life to cater to her mother was terrible. She told me that I was the only person she could be completely honest with about caring for her mother and knew there would be no judgement on my part because I could understand what she was going through. That meant a lot to her and to me also because I had someone I could talk to about what I was going through. (There was another woman in the office that if she heard us complaining about a parent would pipe up "but it is your mmmooommm/dddaaadd!" as if that made it any better.)
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Davenport Feb 2023
Great story, thank you!
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How many hrs a day does she have aides? Every day? How many minutes from you to her? How is her physical health? Declining?
Now onto YOU: You are not superhuman...no offense. You can only do what you can manage. You have a significant other...and other "things" that require your attention + you "need" to incorporate self care: friends (time to add some new ones)..
Do you exercise? Make time for walks?! Talk to neighbors? Have kids or pets?
Please value your health! You are important & designed for other things outside of looking after Mom who is...challenged at this juncture...
I understand feeling guilty. I think healthy amount of guilt & ..then if your Mom made you feel you weren't-aren't giving her enough...this is probs reason you struggle to feel entitled to peace...
Been there.. Prayers for a better day tomorrow.. Release. <3
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EMA153: It is imperative that you take care of yourself as you've suffered a stroke. Do take the advice of friends such as the one you described, else your health deteriorates further. Heed this advice.
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I learned to “make like a duck” and let comments roll off me. I just say thanks when I get advice.
I also learned to say things like “there’s good days and bad days like everything else” and change the subject.
I do my sharing and ventilating here where people understand.
The advice may or may not fit my exact circumstances, but no one is sitting in judgement and they speak from experience.
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Miss EMA153, my M-O is non emotional analytical approach to everything. Like U, only child, am 51, mother and me can barely share air but am her court appointed guardian, she is in a nursing home 4.5 miles fr me for my ease of taking her things as needed. MY son 32, hasn't spoke to his grandmother in 12 yrs because she is the essence of chaos to your life. He lit told her in a letter once, he "doesn't understand why his dad stays in her life at all, but seems to have a soft spot he doesn't have nor understand for her." Very familiar to your situation w/your friend, further my son has told me to just walk away and let her have what she has earned for herself, going it alone. Not to be vindictive but so his dad is unburdened with the essence of chaos.
---Since Dec 10th 2021, the day she went into the NH, have had to create more & more safeties for myself, latest one was changing my phone number so she cant ever call again fr NH because she wouldn't stop abusing the privilege at my expense.
---Sounds like your doing the same things... Good 4U, keep watching what triggers U and put firewalls between those things and your moms ability to trigger em.
---The thing 4U to answer is WHY? Happen to be a trained soldier & Christian minister specializing in spiritual & psychological mess we all deal with, from normal to abnormal issues. Don't fit into mainstream American Christianity myself due to walking in and growing up in the bizarrer degrees of life on planet earth. Abuse, torture: physical, emotional & psychological, people who have not lived thru such or recognized it for what it is, never understand people who do and suffer the aftermath daily, knowing exactly why & who their tormentor is/was.
---Back to WHY? Do you do it out of duty... love... avoiding guilt if you didn't... etc,? For example, my mother enjoys me watching over her after a lifetime of not deserving it via her behavior, not because I love her as she is my mom, we all gen love our parents regardless, right. For me, I cannot love anyone without that encompassing 2 elements, PROTECTION & LOYALTY! Not because it's deserved, often its not, but its being true to myself, who I am at my core. Love someone and let them burn because they deserve it???? Not something I know how to do, nor do I wish to. I understand HATE, VENDETTAS/REVENGE, UNFORGIVENESS, BITTERNESS & RESENTMENT backward & forward. Understand a love/hate relationship with parents, hating what they do constantly while loving them all the while.
---Point: Understanding why you are in this, and then how to help others who care about your well-being understand why too, might go along way with the ones that matter most = one's that trust U, love U, are loyal friends/people. When we love people, their pain becomes our pain. Understanding the why might go along way toward their being willing to go the distance with you vrs end the relationship to end their pain, watching what your going thru. People feel dragged along ie forced or trapped when they don't understand. While having the open door to walk away right before them.
---Having said that: what U are dealing with is aweful, even horrific. U don't owe any1 any explanations in reality. But people are people and if you want them to be in your life, they have to understand why they are doing it that makes it worth taking that aweful, horrific ride with U till it ends and the relationship can cool down to life without your mother in it.
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I've lost "friends" and I say good riddance. I've been doing this caregiving thing with my mother for 17 years - the last 5+ in my home - and I have zero tolerance for unsolicited advice or constructive criticism at this point.

I had one "friend" tell me to stop complaining. Another "friend" told me that I feel "sorry for myself". I walked away.
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I hope you find ways of taking care of yourself. Your health and pursuit of meaningful activities should not be halted because of what you are doing for your mum. Sometimes people have a hard time understanding what you are doing and why.
I've been getting by through reading entries here. It helps give me perspective.
The truth is that I find lots of resonance with the stories of other people. AND. Nobody is in exactly my shoes. Or yours. Read through what is offered here. Take what makes sense, leave the rest, and do something good for yourself right this very minute!!
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Maybe they do understand elder care, and that it's not necessary for you to put yourself out like this for a person who's treated you poorly your whole life. Maybe tell mom you'll see her two days a week and that's all.
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Have you ever Had a psychiatrist ? I did for 23 years and he helped me with My Mom and brother Passing . Have you thought about Going to a support group for caregivers ? Alzheimers association Has One called The Savvy Caregiver it is a 6 week course and then you Join a support group with a social worker . You Can Contact The Alzheimers association in Brewster , Massachusetts . I did a course with Teepa Snow last Fall . Can you get a Therapist to to help you ? Your primacy care physician Can refer you to One . Sigrid Olsen Has a sharing Circle and Meditation Group all are Invited and Its free . She is a clothing designer . Woman Helping woman and Journaling . Joan Halifax at the UPAYA Zen center Has Ongoing Courses for Caregivers They are free or By Donation . She Just had Dr. Gabor Mate On Normal Is a Myth - he is a excellent Doctor . I am Taking a Course on February 12 about Life and Joy with Joan . Joan Is a doctor and Has written Books on Death and dying . I have been Looking for Online courses and groups . Meditation is very Important . Hiking and exercise . the focus needs to be on you and your mental and Physical health if you are going to survive .
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I hope you don’t want to die. My goodness. A stroke and so much stress that your hands are shaking.

It is time for you to take care of yourself and to put distance between you and your mother. Since you have your mother’s POA, it is time she go to a facility where they can take care of her and you DO NOT HAVE to visit her.

You do not have to give up the POA. You need to put distance between yourself and your mother and concentrate on self-care and a therapist.

My DH is in a similar situation . His mother (89) has a mental disorder, delusions, hallucinations, the beginnings of dementia and is difficult. She is always angry and is brutally cruel. My DH told her 50 years ago that she would never live with him. Of course, she doesn’t remember. She first wanted to move in, but when she would not comply with the first rule to get rid of her dog, she lost the opportunity to the space she wanted at our place. She was angry. Through a complicated process she ended up in assisted living and is still there and unhappy. She receives no visits, doesn’t have a telephone to prevent crank 911 calls and attempts to make unauthorized purchases. She blames both of us for putting us in prison. She imprisoned herself. She can leave her apartment but refuses.

We finally we’re able to get a neurologist appointment, but it is in August. It is shocking, how long the wait is for such an appointment. Fortunately, the assisted living facility will take her to the appointment.

we only speak with the contacts at the facility. We do visit every so often (once a year or so) but it normally sets my MIL off. She has a desire to live in a cottage somewhere with her dog and someone to care for her like in “The Enchanted Cottage.” This would not address her need for medication, doctor visits, to be as unpleasant as possible to everyone, to spend her money down to nothing in 5 minutes and to live in a pig sty.

Distance is a balm & joy. It is the only way to concentrate on getting the help she needs and to care for our mental health.
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I do not share with young people; I have learned, through past experiences, that people (in general) do not want older people to over share about their medical, emotional or age related problems. Perhaps it has a lot to do with lack of patience and empathy. So many put on facades of being cool and healthy in multitudes of "selfies" and that is what they expect of others. I also believe that stems from not having relationships outside of their own age range.

Joining a caregivers support group would be more appropriate to suit our needs for companionship.
https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/life-balance/info-2021/support-groups.html

Just my two cents.
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Not really having to do with your exact circumstance but in the ballpark. I recently had two friends drop me. They both were caregivers for their wives as I am. They began first by suggesting I start looking into placing my wife in a care facility. Then they started telling me all of the benefits to me. Then started insisting I follow that advice. Now, they were also friends to each other. Both their wives died within a year of being placed in care homes. Crazy, but I can't help thinking that just maybe they wanted me to share their guilt.
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p.s.

It's *THEIR* friends, not there.
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Daphne131 Feb 2023
Please cease and desist from acting and speaking superior to other by publicly shaming their writing or editing skills here. That is needless, insulting and harassing to others.

This should be a venue to not be judged on educational level but to just ask questions for help. It is discrimination to suggest that only well-written or well-educated be permitted to pose questions in this website.

Kindly show compassion and respect for others hurting and needing support while caring for their elder parent, rather than embarrassing them publicly by acting superior to them pointing out their writing errors. You understood what the writer said.
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Yes, some people do not "get" what it is like to truly do elder care. Your friend sounds like she has a bruised ego and did not want to be put in her place even though she is giving advice that is plainly not helpful. I would tell her I was disappointed by her response. Real friends want to help and make sure you don't "spiral downward" more. I'm not sure how invested she is. Maybe she just wants to keep things light and give trite advice.
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This is a situation of neither of you understanding the other person’s position. It isn’t a right or wrong thing.

It’s hard for your friend because she wishes that you were free from your heartaches.

It’s hard for you because you need a shoulder to lean on occasionally.

Do you have any ‘in person’ support groups near you that you can attend? Can you get away at all? Do you have any outside help so that you can get away from mom and talk about anything other than your mom?

When I got away to have a break, the last thing I wanted to talk about was my mom. I needed a break from her and it’s exhausting for others, even if they care, to continually hear about our situation.

Give your friend some time. Things will most likely work out. I’m sorry that you are hurting. This truly isn’t anyone’s fault. It’s part of life. You and your friend are in different stages at the moment.

Best wishes to you.
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Yes I am only 63 and only have a sister for family. We do not talk much and are not really close. Since I was forced to quit my job 3 years ago to take care of my sick wife I found out who my true friend were. None.
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Speaking of friendship in general, here is my point ---

Fridends have limitations for certain task. As long as one accept this, the friendship may not be gone.

Personally, I did cut off talking to my long time friends about elder care at some point, as you mentioned, they don't have enough experience on this, but it's unnecessary to loss or hurt the friendship.
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I hate the word trigger. It is a victim word. I have no use for it in my vocabulary. Not sure what you are triggering in your younger friend.

I think your friend is tired of your situation and the friendship no longer nurtures her and has decided to move on. Unfortunately you have placed more value on your friendship than she has.

Sad to say, this happens a lot. It’s happened to me several times in my life. It’s depressing.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2023
It is exhausting for others to constantly hear about our problems in caregiving.

I bet most people who are caregivers have gone through this.
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First off I hate that your friend used the new word of the day “trigger, it is being used entirely too much and the what heck do we care if we say or ask something that “triggers” another person?…it’s freakin life! But to answer your question, yes, being tied down to watching my soon to be 96 yr old father-in-law in our home has caused us to not be able to just pick up and go. Friends give what in their minds are solution to a problem but it is just not feasible. No one understands unless they’ve been through it. So you lose contact with them and all of a sudden they’re doing things with others who don’t have an elder they’re caring for. I don’t have an answer for you, and I know I sound awful in saying it, but not until someone else takes over their care entirely will you have any peace of mind.
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Your younger friend with the vibrant Mom has no way to understand "how it feels" to have a situation like yours. Your mother will outlive you, at the rate you are operating. You have already been given the giant WARNING from God and the Universe, that you are unable to cope with being POA any longer. That warning came in the form of a Stroke. The next stroke will either kill you or render you 'disabled' as my Dad's stroke did him. My Dad spent 11 years in a terribly impaired state after a stroke at age 69 years. You texted your young friend just needing to know "she was there for you" Apparently, she is unable to 'be there' to watch your downspiral and disintegration. Just as you were unable to extricate yourself when your mother subjected you to abuse as a child: You are still unable to extricate yourself at present when the abuse and stress continue. The stroke was a 'gift' to you, if you will listen to the 'still small voice' that is telling your to turn over the POA to a state agency who will then manage your mother's health needs, finances, etc., and will likely place her in care where her Dementia can be dealt with (along with her mental illness markers). Your mother will be taken care of in a facility with a state-appointed Social Worker overseeing her needs. It's apparent that you have suffered horribly at the hands of your mother. You can continue to 'honor your mother' by giving over the supervision of her to an accredited care facility where her needs will be medically and financially overseen. Please share in therapy with a skilled practitioner "the message that was sent to you in the form of a frightening stroke"..
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Things it can make you lose your friends, please when something like this happened to you, don’t worry at all, sometimes it is good they leave you alone, thanks God about this, because I had experience about so many friends, some are good, and some are terrible, sometime they can came to you and listing about more information’s about what you are going through and go behind your back and say a different things about,  when they see you are see them, all they do is start rounding away from you.
MATILDA
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EMA, what a terrible situation you're in! I hope you have a good therapist so you can vent and who can help you compartmentalize. I know how all-consuming a situation like yours can be.

I think your friend has a point if this is all you talk about these days. Listening is an important part of friendship, but if you're going over the same ground over and over, expressing your frustration again and again, her response is understandable.

Regarding your awful mother, the only advice I can think of is that you keep as much distance as possible (block her phone number at night, hire people if that's possible to clean her apartment and drive her to her appointments. You have POA, so it doesn't have to be YOU who does everything for her.

I hope you'll inherit a ton someday. Sounds like you deserve it.
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No one gets it until they have actually done it.

One day, you should take your friend with you, so that she can see what it's really like.

Or, you should video one of your mom's episodes, and show it to your friend.

However, you might need to stop "bothering" your friend with your messages. She'll never get it until it happens to her.

Instead, join a support group. The Alzheimer's Dementia Caregiver's FB Support Group is a great place where you can vent without judgment.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/dementiacaregiversupportgroup/?ref=share&mibextid=NSMWBT
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Your friend is right. Do not involve yourself with someone who is abusive to you. If she starves or freezes to death alone in her apartment… meh, nothing of value lost. I’m sure the world will keep spinning without one abusive old woman in it.
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I think most people 'don't get' eldercare unless they've done it. Makes you feel misunderstood and isolated.

I think your friend, even though she has good intentions, is 'triggered' because you're not following her advice. It's a little bit narcissistic.

One thing I heard that I thought was a good idea, was when discussing a problem with a loved one, to say whether you are looking to vent, or you are looking for advice/solutions.

If you want advice - I might tell your friend that you love her and appreciate all the support she's provided. And then take a bit of space, sounds like you both need it.
XO
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I think you need to put your mother in someone else's hands. Your health is seriously at risk. Your brief mention of a stroke buried in your question about your friend is the real issue here. And it's the same thing your friend is warning you about--you're not taking care of yourself.

I cared for both my parents in the last year, after my dad had an accident that left him paralyzed. My sister helped. I look 10 years older, and my PTSD has gotten worse. My back went out all the time. My sister and I both felt we were losing our minds. Our parents have the financial resources to get help and after my father got worse, and required more hands-on moving last week, we hired caregivers for days and evenings every day of the week, so we could get a break.

You must set yourself free. I hate to tell you that. It's very hard, and there's a lot of anxiety and guilt attached to it. But remember the abuse you suffered as a child, listen to that inner child, she's screaming out for you to take care of her.

Your friend is only mirroring your own fears about your mother that you may not be acknowledging--you are spiraling, you are in trouble, you need to take a step back from your mother who is bringing you down with her.

This is all coming from my heart because I do really know what you're going through. Much love to you and I hope you find peace and are able to release this burden.
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Daphne131 Feb 2023
Placing a senior in someone else’s hands or a facility doesn’t necessarily reduce the stress or time you still need to give. Those facilities still need you as next of kin to do things, be available, talk parent down, bring in things. You still need to pay the bills and manage their life.
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In many cases, caregiving is a choice, looking from the outside in I can appreciate your friends' feelings about the issue, knowing that there may be other choices.

Some people's lives are consumed by caregiving, they no longer have a life of their own, all conversations and thoughts revolve around the person in need.

Many times, friends are lost over the caregiver's overabundance of negative verbiage and conversations that always revolves around caregiving of the LO.

Currently have 2 in homes, one AL the other MC, yes my brother & I have responsibilities in their regard, however, when we leave from visiting them, we lead our lives, not theirs, we shut the caregiving switch off, if we have to discuss an issue about one of them we do, however, we do not converse about them after that particular issue is resolved. It's kind of like separating Church & State.

And, if we are asked about them and how they are doing, we respond otherwise, we don't bring them up.

Honestly, if I had a friend that only talked about their caregiving issues and were all consumed by this role, I would have to back away as well. I do not thrive on negativity whether it be due to elder care or whatever.

Being a friend is a two way street, and keeping one requires a lot of dedication to the process. I have left several of mine behind because of all the drama involved with trying to be their friend.

I wish you the very best, maybe some therapy would be of a benefit to you.
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