Husband has stage 4 COPD. He was in the hospital in October with Covid for a week and came home with an oxygenator. He hardly used it and when he did he took the nose piece out and let the machine run all night! I’m afraid he’s going to blow us up! Meanwhile the noise was driving me crazy but he sleeps on the couch on his good ear right next to the machine. . After a month I sent it back to the rental company.
Fast forward to this past Friday and he’s back in the hospital again, and I’m guessing an oxygenator will be once again part of the picture. I am so past angry with this man it almost seeps out of my pores. For years when doctors thought he had cancer and ended up he didn’t I have begged him to stop. So many lung issues and now all he does is lay on the couch which I’m sure is great for him and his swollen legs and feet! Even wheeling the garbage can to the street is too much for him. No quality of life at least that’s my view …why does anyone do this to themselves? I get he has anxiety and depression but smoking makes that worse not better. I used to smoke but 25 years ago when I was walking him into the hospital because the doctor swore there was going to be Cancer under the pneumonia I threw my cigarettes out in the parking lot of the hospital and never looked back. He stopped for 5 weeks until the scare went away and then right back to it!
My question I guess is two part … what can I do to deal with the oxygenator play a radio maybe buy a noise machine any ideas? Two … just how do I deal with the anger I have when he comes home? I don’t even want to see him at this point because of all the stress he’s caused everyone.
I lost two really good friends to cigarettes. They knew they were killing themselves but just could not help themselves. They smoked themselves to death and both died in their early 60s. These two men were both told they would die soon if they did not stop. It didn’t matter.
Your husband will never quit and it’s probably too late now anyway.
If you don’t want him to come home tell the hospital social worker you can no longer care for him and he needs placement in a facility.
I wish you all the best as you navigate this sorry situation.
If he is, then get a great insurance policy on him, on the house, and you yourself move out.
Because, yeah, he could start a fire.
As to the rest of it, you mention swelling feet and unable to breath.
Does he have congestive heart failure as well as COPD, because ordinarily, without heart involvement (which eventually there will be in any case) there is not this swelling you speak of.
I would seek help with your anger. If you have attempted to help him all this time, and he is now the remainder of any life he ever had, then placement may be the best thing for him, or your leaving and making visits. There is little left of "love" for you I am certain. And he has left little to love of himself. So my sympathy simply isn't there for anyone but you.
No one can make these tough decisions for you but yourself. Part of your anger is depression and grief manifesting as anger because we enjoy anger; it allows us not to walk into the finality of grief and depression over something that cannot be undone.
Please get help for yourself, make yourself some kind of life that doesn't include him. Knitting club. Book club. Church community. Volunteer. Senior center. or write the next great american novel which I will read should I live so long.
I am so very sorry. Truly I am.
If the noise still bothers you, either wear earplugs or move into a spare bedroom and sleep there. Restless legs and sleep apnea made it necessary for my husband to have his own room years ago. Now we both sleep in comfort.
As far as anger goes, you can't control his behavior, only your reaction to it. We all make our own decisions in life and have to accept the consequences of them. When I was pregnant with my son and in the hospital with complications, and smoking was allowed in the lounges.....there was a male patient who had a tracheotomy. And was smoking out of the hole in his neck. With cancer and dying. That was how addicted he was. You were able to quit 25 years ago, dh isn't as strong as you are I guess. Insist he smoke outside if you don't already, and allow him to die on his terms. I'm sorry you're dealing with this; something that seems so easily changeable but obviously isn't.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
If he is smoking in the house with oxygen you can tell him this is a hard NO. If this is his choice he will have to move to Assisted Living. They will not allow him to smoke in the building so he will have to get up and go outside to smoke. And some AL will not accept someone on oxygen so he may have to go to Skilled Nursing where they will better monitor him.
You in the house with the oxygen and him smoking is dangerous for you (as well as him) you can move out. This could mean a real separation / divorce or just 2 households. The question is will he need 24/7 care?
There is also the possibility of Hospice. If he elects NOT to continue with the oxygen will that decision shorten his life expectancy? That may be a qualification for Hospice.
IF, the next time he goes to the hospital you make it perfectly clear that he can not be discharged back to home. YOU are not safe and he is not safe with him in the home.
Now because it is me responding....Is your husband a Veteran? It is possible that the VA may be of help. It might be a little help or it might be a LOT. Contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission or your States Department of Veterans Affairs. They can search his military records and determine how much help you can get. (and the VA now pays the Spouse to care for the Veteran)
But I can tell you that the day he died and the concentrator was turned off, I had forgotten just how much I enjoy quiet, and to this day 3 1/2 years later I'm still enjoying the peace and quiet.
It is a necessity for your husband now and while you don't like the noise, you must come to terms with it and you will given time.
However it is the anger that I am more concerned about at this time as that is something that you'll need to come to terms with as well. I would seek out a grief counselor as anger is one of the 7 steps of grieving, and while your husband is still alive you are still grieving for the life and man you no longer have physically.
And if his care is just too much for you, let the hospital social worker now that it is and that you cannot safely care for him in your home anymore and that he needs to placed in the appropriate facility.
Also make sure that someone knows that if he does come home that he will be smoking while on the oxygen.
Please make sure that you're taking time for yourself and doing things that bring you joy.
God bless you.
Move the machine in an closeted space and run hoses under the door. You can ask for extension tubing up to 100 feet.
Purchase a white noise product called "dohm". But to me, it may be like purchasing another noise maker.
The worry about fires goes more to hubby. The most common accident with smoking is that the cannula catches fire and burns across the victim's face. If you find him smoking then do remove the oxygen.
Since he is in the hospital, speak to the social worker and doctor that he needs long term care since he is a danger to himself and you and others if you live in a multi unit
Non compliance reason is why he cannot receive oxygen at home. tell the social worker
While he is in the hospital ask for a hospice or palliative consult and try to be with him when they are there. His leg swelling and sleeping is telling more