I am an only child, with no children, a wonderful husband who I am trying to protect from all of my mother's drama. I have a 88 year old mom who is physically healthy. She has always been independent, and when my dad died 15 years ago, she accepted and moved on. I had only been married a month, and it was no problem at old. Fast forward 15 years later, she had a little health blip about a year and a half ago, and it has been an emotional roller coaster for me daily. I love her, and I visit her in her own home every other day. I call her or she calls me alot during the day. I try to hide those phone calls from my husband. I am alway taking out the trash or going down stairs to do something to speak with her briefly. I feel sorry for her because she is sooooooo extremely lonely. She has outlived her friends and her family only cares about themselves. I guess I have an emotional outburst every time I see her. She has no emotion at all. I have tears streaming or having outbursts, and it doesn't effect her. She can't try or even get mad. All she says to me all the time is that she would be so much better if she moved in with my husband and I. I tell her daily that that will never happen. She keeps saying it. I have told her and told her. I have hung up the phone, I have thrown a fit, and it doesn't phase her. I tell her I will not give up my marriage for her. I love her but she doesn't love me enough to stop saying it.
I told her I would talk to my husband and visit her daily to help. I told her I could retire. I told her I could hire a companion. No to it all except moving in with us. There is something with she and I that I can't figure out. I tell her that. I pretty much tell her everything I feel. I told her that one good thing going through this is to maybe work out what our deep down problem is before one of us die. We love each other, but not until she has started behaving like this, did we ever hug or tell each other we love each other. I, like you, am emotionally drained. I pray for her, I pray with her daily. Nothing ever changes.
When she visits our house for dinner, about once a month, my husband thinks all of this may be my imagination cause she seems okay. Not quite as spunky as she use to be. I tell him, believe me, you have no idea. I just keep it to myself, because he went through some things with his mom, and I just want to protect him from this problem. She is physically healthy other wise. We worries about everything. She has financial resources, but she has regrets not spending her money on things. She spent it on me and my dad, but really her. Now she is looking back and hates everything. She hates her house, trees, leaves, bills, being alone, not having any friends. Sometimes, I think me. I tell her that too. She is miserable, and she was never like that. She has always been hard on me, so what I do for her, she doesn't like. I try so hard to please her. I guess I always have. I tell her that too. I tell her things through our lives together that hurt me. When I was born, she had Post Partum depression, and I think it is back. I have told her doctor, and she just says that it is a difficult situation. She is in her right mind (no dementia or anything; she actually helps me remember stuff and she does her own checkbook in her head. I check behind her) The doctor said that we can't make her take meds to help. When she gets upset about money or things, she starts chattering. Anyway, I just need to just get this out for someone to read this and know I am not all alone. Being an only child with a sick parent is hard. I thought losing my dad from Cancer was tough, but this is so much worse. Thanks for reading. see less
You are also right that letting Mom move in would not fix her base problems. If she is lonely she can and should find people at a senior center with whom she can talk and exchange memories. The ultimate end to many complaints is "you would find others to talk to at a senior residence." The real issue is that sons and daughters do have lives of their own to live, whether Mom likes it or not.
40%of caregivers Die before the person they are taking care of does. Elderly people do Not care about this...they want Their needs taken care of and no worries who it hurts or what it ruins in its wake. I try to share the cold hard truth about what caregiving is Really like. Spend 15 minutes googling caregiver burn out and you will see what your future holds. From what you've disceibed here she fits the mold of totally destroying your life and marriage. There are lots of nice nursing homes she would be around people her own age and she can choose to be miserable there just like she is choosing to be now in her own home and she Will be in yours. You Cant make her happy ~ she has to choose to be happy Herself.
If you have the money to hire 24/7 care that will be a companion for her then maybe that could be a next step In Her Home Not Yours. But even then she will behave as I have discribed above and she Will burn out caregivers and it Will be a lot of work for you to manage that as well and she will Still want you there just as much. So the time has come to be the adult/parent to her and be firm and make decisons for her best interest that keeps You Out of direct care for her. She pays for her own care or you if you want and can afford but don't attwmpt to become her caregiver or turn your home into Her private care home because you and your husband will have No life. That is a Fact.
Good luck, it's tough.
edit..thank you for sharing your situation with all of us. I sure hope it helps the ones who need it most.
When my father lived on his own I called once a week and took him shopping once every other week. Any more contact would have killed me.
As for being an only child that may truly be a blessing. There are many of us here that are caregivers with siblings who couldn’t care less. So they have two battles to deal with. Not only stress from parents but also from siblings not stepping up.
My hubby is 54 and has an 88 yr old mother. He is an only child. His dad took off early on and started another family. His relatives are pretty much done with his mother due to her nasty demeanor. She is very insulting and has no remorse. She to this day doesnt really get why there is no contact with them and believes when she insults people they should get over it.
She was horrible to my son in childhood and into adulthood. name calling, criticism. He and I discuss the motivations behind her behaviors. She is very narcissistic and borderline. She is trying her best to turn a relative of mine against me. Anyway, she has been playing the need to move in game with us. She is 88, independent and has always been, and strategically lives in a condo where she can walk to everything. It would ruin our relationship to have her move in with us. She claims she would be happy if she did but she has rarely been happy and is a huge fan of misery. I myself am going to invest in a book someone mentioned earlier about boundaries. We also work very challenging jobs and need the peace and comfort of our home. Anyway, I didnt mean to go off on a tangent. You are not alone. You and the replies you received make me feel better. God Bless!
It is not easy.......but I had to pick my poison. I take good care of myself. I have a sitter come in when I need a break. I don't believe that moving in will be the worst decision ever made. But, it will put you in a better position to make a move toward AL. Are there any day programs she could attend? This is a tough time to try to do anything like that, but for future reference. I would be willing to talk privately. Taking care of my parents was a privilege. Both Dad and Mom were so appreciative of anything I did/do. I will never regret doing all I could. I know others who do not feel this way. Good luck, keep the Faith but also be true to YOU!
They can't help but love their parents (as do a lot of abused - physically and verbally - children, as that is who they depend on growing up).
Even though we are adults, we may still feel like children when we are around abusive, nasty parents. And, I empathize with them and agree they need to seek help.
I am an "only", as both of my younger brothers have passed away. I have been caring for my mom for four years. She fell and fractured her neck and I had to move her from Ohio to California. She had very mild memory loss prior, but after the accident, she had full blown Dementia.
We have always been close so I have no bad feelings toward her. I do admit, however, that because she is totally dependent on me, it is very exhausting. I do not take enough care of myself. There is no other family out here except my son and his wife. They help when they can, but both work full-time. And during this time, no one can come to give me some respite.
I feel for those who are giving 24/7 care to someone and hope that you can all get help and find some peace. I wish you the best!!
I think it's the best idea I have heard of in a long time.
Hopefully your mom will want more for you and not want to burden you and stress your marriage. She is at the end of her life and she is scared and angry and lonely. There are many other women in her situation in assisted living and she might make a friend or two. Is there a day center she can go to a couple of times a week to get used to the idea of socializing with someone other than you? Counseling maybe?
I don't agree with some of the other posters that suggest that just because you were born and she raised you that somehow you're supposed to give up your life to take care of her now. There are facilities for that and you can visit her every day if you want to and still keep your marriage, your job, and your sanity....
Don't let anyone, not even your mother, guilt you into doing something you don't want to do.
Good Luck.
I agree with the answers that discuss setting (and learning about/developing) boundaries. My mother and I have had a difficult relationship since I was a teen and my father and she divorced. I moved out of state when I went to college and that helped preserve a semblance of a mother-daughter relationship. The physical boundary helped me set the emotional boundary that was needed. What is important to remember is that there is no cookie-cutter mother-daughter relationship that we all should aspire to. It sounds like you are carrying a lot of guilt about what kind of daughter you "should" be and being the kind of person you are. You obviously love and care for your mother and you certainly don't need to let her move in with you to prove it to anyone. I agree that having her move in would put a stress on your marriage especially since right now you don't seem to have clear cut boundaries with her (nor she with you!). If she has no underlying dementia and is financially independent then she can certainly take responsibility for her happiness and unhappiness and figure out how she wants to live the rest of her years. That she has become dependent upon you for her happiness is really not healthy. You don't say what kind of health "blip" occurred but that that was when your relationship seemed to change. I think it would be a great idea if you are able to discuss this with a mental health professional. And with the pandemic there are more options to do it via video/phone. I would also recommend not cutting your husband out of the loop or hiding things as that can deeply harm a relationship like nothing else. I would lessen interactions as others have said. Don't be the one to call. If she calls don't always answer right away or call back right away. You are an adult with a full life to manage. Manage your life, you don't have to manage hers(thankfully!). And I think it is helpful to take a step back periodically when you feel yourself getting emotional- maybe try mindfulness or meditation?- and look at the dynamic between you two from an objective perspective. What would you recommend if this was happening to your best friend and her mother? Distance a bit emotionally and physically to get perspective. Be kind to yourself and fill your life with what feeds you emotionally. That is what any loving, healthy parent would want for you and since your mother currently isn't playing that part you might need to do that for yourself. Wishing you the best!
Even if he had a rough time with his parents, you two should be in this together.
Sometimes, just an ear to vent to. Your hiding your feelings & emotions from the one you love. You & your Mom have issues from long ago. If possible, when this virus crap is over, maybe contact your local church or senior center. Sometimes having some heart to heart talks with a 3rd party present, brings out everything. As for her moving in with you? No. She is capable & has her own home. And, most importantly, she is compartality in good health.
Sure, as we age, things come along, but your Mom's condition mainly seems to be lonliess. That is depressing in itself. When able, take her to the senior center or churches & libraries. They ALL have many events, clubs, etc, and one just might interest her.
Look, I know it's not easy.
But your putting this ALL on your shoulders, & that was your decision. But, you say you have a good husband. He is not a child to be cuddled & protected. If you were Ill would he stay by your side & help you along, or would he run like hell?
If you know in your heart that he would run, then maybe you should rethink your own marriage, not the problem with your Mom.
Some like your Mom, do pass away fairly quickly, but a friend of my new, her Dad lived like that for close to 15 years. You know, I had heard that when a person starts to mentally decline, they do know before hand. As for me, if this is true, I don't know whether I would want to live like that, and in a way( a big way) upset my daughter's life for that length of time.
That sounds terrible, I know. But it's my choice and I already have made that decision.
Sounds like your mom is still very with it and a rather strong willed lady. Stand your ground. Don't give in to her living with you as no one will end up happy in that situation. It might have worked with the Waltons, but not for most of us. Please don't feel guilty, or worry yourself sick. Do what you can and feel good about that.
While your mother may not have dementia, it sounds like she may have depression again. Perhaps you could have her evaluated? Meds may help, but having her go out to social environments may also assist. These may include church people, adult day care centers, exercise or yoga classes, swimming ... something where she interacts with others besides you.
Since your issues haven't been resolved, I would NOT recommend her moving in with you ... even if you lived alone. I would keep the boundaries you've set for yourself to keep yourself as mentally healthy as possible. You may want to find a minister or therapist or group to let out your pent up emotions.
Suggestions: One thing I have learned is not to give up Power of Attorney! Make sure you have a Living Will and a DNR completed by your mother while her mind is still intact.
Take care of yourself first ... just like they say on the airline. If you don't have your mask on, you cannot save others. I wish you the best.
thanks for listening
Moving in with you won't change her loneliness. She imagines a life where you will devote your days to her entertainment - going on unnecessary errands, engaging her in small talk all day and night. It sounds like your interactions often result in conflict and high emotion. Why would you want that all day, every day? It's unhealthy for you both.
Go pick out a nice senior living place that she can afford and take her for a tour (after you've already seen it and checked out all the details). Then, move her in. She'll make friends, she'll have her meals and cleaning and socializing all taken care of. You can visit frequently and enjoy your happy mom.
Don't expect that she won't give you a guilt trip over it though. Ignore that part.
Don't move her in with you and stop discussing it with her as if it's an option.