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I have been taking Mom to get her hair done every Friday as that is what she is used to. It is really ridiculous because all they do is wash it and blow dry it and charge 45 bucks. I decided to save money I would try to wash her hair. She literally screamed at the top of her lungs and said I was trying to drown her, etc. The only person she will allow to wash her hair is the beauty parlor lady. I have tried numerous methods of washing it slowly in the sink or shower but she reacts the same. I asked her why she is doing this and she said she is afraid of not being able to breathe. I just wonder if something happened as a child to her. Her mother was an alcoholic and very abusive. Maybe she is going back to something that happened when she was younger? Any help is appreciated. Thanks.

I have a feeling this is just part and parcel of her dementia, Roger.
In the salon, do they wash it in one of those sinks where she kind of lays back? Because that's how we as nurses used to wash hair. We used a bedpan (plastic ones CHEAP on Amazon), had the patient lay back with neck over front of pan where it indents, which was padded with wash clothe, used minimal suds and a water pitcher to rinse. So their faces were never near water. Other than that I would look on youtube "washing bedridden person's hair". Might be something, and would look on amazon for any great products they may have to help.

I hope that the leg condition/swelling was seen by a doctor. You were headed to one, then canceled? She should be seen for that.

Adding edit to say amazon does INDEED have nifty hair washing stuff out there. Look in their search for "hairwashing for bedridden. Lot's of good stuff and you can keep it under 30.00.
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Rogerwyatt7890 May 5, 2024
Never thought of that ... good idea. Like I thought, the leg swelling is normal for her age and other stuff like sitting for too long. Doctor had no immediate concerns. She had blood work done and the doctor is writing me a letter for possible placement in a foster care situation. Oh and yes we tried the dry shampoo but I feel she needs a real wash.
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You can always try the waterless shampoo and conditioner caps that you can buy on Walmart.com or Amazon. They actually work really well.
Or you can make your life easier and just continue to take mom to her beauty salon.
I thought you were in the process of getting your mother placed in a memory care. What's going on that it's been delayed?
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The stress and anxiety that your mom is going through and the stress this is putting on you...I think $45.00 is a bargain.
You could ask the "Beauty Parlor Lady" if she would come to your home and do it for less. Tell her it is more difficult getting mom out.
But she may not be able to do this if it will cause a problem with the owner of the salon.
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Rogerwyatt7890 May 5, 2024
I tried to get her to make an in home appointment but she won't. Yes 45.00 is a bargain but I need to save every penny we have for other stuff. Property taxes, food, bills in general.
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Find other ways to save a few bucks. Familiarity is what dementia patients crave, not the new and the unknown of their sons trying to wash their hair in the sink! Pick your battles and realize eventually, everything will be a battle.
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Rogerwyatt7890 May 5, 2024
I know all that but getting her to the beauty salon is a huge ordeal. She can hardly walk and we usually have to park a ways away. I'm familiar with the familiarity and known stuff. Sometimes things have to change and it can't always be what they want.
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we found a local small beauty parlor that only charged seniors 12$. Will she agree to change shops? They advertised in our local town paper.
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Rogerwyatt7890 May 5, 2024
Thanks for the tip I will check it out. It is really hard to even get her anywhere as she has trouble getting around. I would do it all myself if I could.
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What about a Inflatable Foldable Shampoo Basin? She can be laying in bed while you wash her hair and she won't have to try and bend over the sink, etc. Just Google it and they are about $12 and change at Walmart. Plus if it doesn't work you can always return it so you won't be out any money. If you try it and it works please let us know. Good luck. I totally get wanting to save money. $45 is ridiculous for just a hair wash.
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Rogerwyatt7890 May 10, 2024
I agree on the 45 dollars just to wash her hair. It is ridiculous and we need to save every penny we have. My mother insists on going every Friday and thats 180 a month. Sometimes I feel they just need to make a change period. Some of us are not wealthy like others.
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Dementia people like consistency and familiarity. Going to the hair dresser is familiar. Thisvis something she enjoys. Allow her this.
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This is not the hill that I would die on.

If she likes going to the beauty parlor, then $45 is a small tradeoff to avoid the anxiety and fear.
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When my daughter was in the hospital and could not move the hospital had shampoo caps that is no rinse. I found the ad on Amazon for ten dollars for three caps. Easy to use and no water needed.

MedVance No Rinse Shampoo Cap | Rinse Free Shower Cap that Shampoos & Conditions | PH Balanced & Hypoallergenic Waterless Hair Wash | 3 Pack
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Someone recommended this to me (but I have not tried this yet), and have it on my list to try for my husband or myself if/when the need arises.

https://myscrubzz.com/products/shower-caps

Maybe try something like this product in-between salon visits to stretch your budget and she may decide she prefers it.
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MSalazar227 May 10, 2024
These are actually very useful. I’ve managed to get my mom (80w/dementia) to try these on 2 occasions. They smell clean too so there’s no strange after odor.
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There is a lot of great advice and suggestions. I might add that maybe going to the beauty parlor is one of the few things that allows Mom to feel independent, glamorous, beautiful, cared for, or any one of 100 things, and by you trying to do it for her (or maybe in her mind "to her"), it's a lot more emotional than $45.

You didn't mention whether she has dementia. Maybe there is a way to cut the cost and combine her trip to the salon with something else, like a mani/pedi or a nice lunch, so it could be her "day of beauty" or "mother/daughter day" celebration!
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sp196902 May 10, 2024
Read the OP's profile. The mother has end stage dementia and has always been a horrible person to be around. She is pretty much unable to get in and out of the car, lives in a 3 story house and the OP is bending over backwards doing for mom. For god's sake why is it that care givers that are already strapped have to keep giving and giving. What's left in that - their own lives? Their own mental well being? Their own health? After all if the demented elder is not getting 100% what they want the OP should surely make sure they do - give me a break....

It is NOT a mother/daughter day weekly celebration. It is a weekly ordeal for the OP and an expense the mother cannot really afford and neither can the OP.
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Might look into local Beauty schools. They give great prices so their students have customers to practice their skills.
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JeanLouise May 16, 2024
That sounds like a very difficult task (and a huge imposition) for an inexperienced student to manage an oppositional senior with dementia. It’s most likely a teenager. I cannot imagine any instructor approving this request.
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My mom is the same regarding the screaming & carrying on about washing her hair (or washing anything at all). My mom is 80 with dementia. She went from going every 2 weeks for a wash/roller set and style then a bath with the most expensive soaps and lotions to not bathing whatsoever until we tell her its unbearable in the home or sitting close to her. If and when we try to help wash it in the kitchen sink, the only place hygiene takes place she acts like were trying to &ill her. As of today, were at 1mo exactly of cleaning up 😞
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Bellerose63 May 15, 2024
It’s great to hear some honesty about hygiene here. Mine does a sink bath on her own and has the wet face fear, too plus limited range in legs and hips so stepping over into a tub is a no-go. I fold fresh towels on safety bar by toilet a certain way to tell if she’s used them. Also, i do the folding trick w her underware because she puts them back into drawer after wearing. It seems we’ve moved past fussing and fighting over hygiene so if my nose doesn’t tell me there’s a problem and i know she has on clean clothes i save our energy for a future situation. BTW her sister, neighbor and friend choose wigs.
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My mom was the same way. After she fell and broke her shoulder, a lot of things that had been going on came to light. She probably hadn't washed her hair in months. She was used to doing it once a week leaning over the kitchen sink, and that became too hard for her. The PT/OT girls that came eventually got to ADLs in her program, and she refused to wash her hair in the shower! We discovered she had a massive mat under her pony tail too. It was a horrifying nightmare disaster! She hid it so well.
Anyway, my point with all this is, after one saintly angel of an OT cut out her mat, she retrained her to do everything in the shower with assistance. She had a shower chair too. When she got to the memory care facility, she did fine with showers and followed directions. They have never said that she was refusing showers or was difficult to assist. Her dementia has passed all that over, and now this is her normal. So it is possible! Also, she would not allow it with me, but would with the therapists. With them it was fine. Maybe your mom needs a home health aide to just do the bathing once a week. It is a completely exasperating situation, but as the dementia progresses, what was once the horrible issue gets left in the dust for something else down the line.
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I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time with this! It’s actually very common for people with dementia to be very frightened about water going over their face. It’s nice she is able to verbalize to you what her fear is.

A couple suggestions: you could buy a cape that is like the ones at the hair salon that velcros around her neck and extends to the sink so any water you use for rinsing will travel into the sink instead of hitting the floor. Recline her back as far as she is comfortable and safe and wash her hair that way while talking or playing music to distract her. Have her hold a washcloth over her own face to keep the water off. Be very careful not to let the water run down her face. It’s a very real fear for her!

Another option would be to use dry shampoo sometimes which is something that wouldn’t require water to clean her hair. You can’t always do that, though. I imagine sometimes you’ll need an actual scrub with water. Best of luck! I know how hard that is!
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Rogerwyatt7890: Perhaps you can economize elsewhere as she has dementia, sadly and the hair salon is familiar to her.
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Baby bath/shampoo and wet washcloth works well for my mom who is chair/bed bound!
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Baby body wash or shampoo and a wet washcloth works wonders for my mom who is chair/bedbound.
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Try dry shampoo. Also try a rinse-less shampoo.
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I wonder if anyone has been successful with reducing the fear of water. What
comes to mind is regular baths in a shallow pool or at the beach sitting in calm shallow water and very gradually advancing to waist height . Maybe even with a floating device (noodle or ring) . Much patience and slow pace is required . Simple tasks like pouring water from a bucket onto a plant or patio etc - non threatening water experiences - with no pushing or intense expectations of “successful outcomes”. Aiming calmly for “comfort with water”.
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My Mom was always afraid of water. When she was young it was a common thing for the male parent to teach swimming. This could mean anything from actual swim lessons to what my grandfather did which was take her on a low bridge, her on his back, and jump from the bridge. Then he would release her and tell her to sink or swim. He swam away, forcing her to figure it out. As you can imagine, she went under a few times but made it back to shore and never stepped in water deeper than her ankles for the remaining 74 years of her life. Maybe someone did something similar to your Mom?

I ordered, from Amazon, a little pitcher with a soft lip on it. It is made to wash children's hair. The soft lip goes along the forehead, making a seal so water doesn't get in the eyes. (Or shampoo). They do make them for grown-ups too, although they are a bit higher in price because they call them medical aids. Check them out, you can try them when she's in the tub...she might be easier to handle and it might stop her from feeling as if she might drown or can't breathe. Good luck and please try to let us know what works for you.
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Cut her hair short enough so that the weekly shampoo visits become a monthly thing. In between treat her hair like any other part of the body getting washed.
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