She has dementia and is always hungry. She can eat her dinner, put plate in sink and go sit down in front room and ask when are we going to eat I am hungry. She has lost some weight (the whole house is doing keto). I find that if I can keep sugar away from her it seems to help with her memory. My family is over 1,200 miles away from here and have not seen her for over 5 years. Will not come down to see her and will not take her for a few weeks if I bring her up for a visit. Just want to talk to her on the phone and think that there is nothing wrong with her it is just me that has the problem. I have been reported at least 8 times to the cops and social workers for mistreating and abusing her and investigated with the end results of NO I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG!! I AM SO I TIRED OF THIS TREATMENT FROM THEM. I have blocked the phone calls. Is there anything else that I can do? It seems rather harsh to cut off the call from mom to her son but what else can I do? The last time it upset her so much. The cops showed up at 10 pm and woke her up and she was up half the night worrying about it and what she did to them to call the cops on her.
I would contact Adult Protective Services in your state and let them know about your family's repeated "false reports" of abuse. Invite them to come and visit your mom to see that she is being cared for well. Report to them how upset your mother becomes when APS or the police visit as a result of these false reports.
In short, THEY are abusing your mother, but blocking your mother from calling her son or him from calling her is not acceptable and THAT could land you in hot water.
Does your mother have an official diagnosis of dementia from her doctor? Have you sent the documentation of that to her other children with a professional assessment of her care needs? YOu can get a "needs assessment" from your local Area Agency on Aging. They will put in writing what your mother's needs are so that it won't simply be you telling the other kids what mom needs.
How about sending the photos of Mom in her wonderful room, a sweet (I know, makes you want to upchuck; me too) note about how Mom doesn't realize when she has just eaten. Pictures of Mom and you doing activities.
Title these photos and constant letters from you "I understand you cannot see Mom and are worried about her, so I have decided Mom and I will send you some of her recent art work, some photos, and a little about our activities."
To tell you the truth, killing them with kindness will work SO WELL. If you have a copier, keep a copy of your letters to show the authorities.
The authorities are gonna tire of this group pretty quickly.
Have you discussed diet with Mom's nutritionist. As a nurse I hate fad dieting, but that's just me; if your nutritional stuff is in order then it is, and lord knows we all eat too many sugars (for me, add chips and etc to what I want).
At a certain age I think we get to have control of what we eat. There is so much else taken from us. We have so little control. This might stop Mom from telling her son "Can't you PLEASE send me some MILK DUDS".
My heart goes out to you. You are doing the heavy lifting. My advice is to kill them with kindness; show the authorities a happy face and all your letter to the family when they visit.
Good luck!
You mention that Mum has lost weight, did she need to lose weight? My Mum is 86 and I would be concerned if she lost weight.
You cannot change your brother's behaviour.
Keep a digital diary (start to compose an email that you will send at the end of the day). Doesn't need to be very detailed, just a "log" of activity, actions, decisions, events. I.e.
Aug 12, 2020
- got mom up; morning hygiene routine
- served her healthy breakfast (list details if this is an area of contention)
- took her to doc appt (dermatologist); checked skin issues; no treatment required
- lunch
- laundry
- played cards
- paid her bills (mortgage; cable; utiities, medical)
...you get the idea. Then send a group email to all your siblings (and spouses if you think necessary). Do this every day whether they "want" the report or not. Doing this 1) lets them know what is involved in caregiving, 2) keeps everyone on the same page and gives them opportunities for constructive input or to ask questions, 3) prevents them from ever saying, "I didn't know..." or "Why did you do that..."
Your emails should be very "clinical", meaning no extraneous commentary or emotional comments -- just the facts. Make it brief and easy to read. Don't expect any responses. My in-laws were very happy to get these reports and we never had any issues. They were astonished at the amount of time it took to care for 2 seniors and how difficult even the smallest outing was. If they were concerned about a decision I had made I pointed them back to a prior email that they were sent. This way the burden is on THEM. I wish you all the best as you try to do you best for your mom!
You may want to say to all these people "If u think you can do a better job, then come get her". I bet they back down really quickly. Its easy to judge when you aren't there. People who have not experienced Dementia/ALZ have no idea. In their minds its a little old lady sitting in a rocking chair staring at the wall. Not that little old lady who is like a toddler and her reality is in her mind which is all screwed up.
With her food. Keep meals small and allow her to snack. Like for breakfast, give her the cereal and juice but the toast an hour later. Because of the Dementia she does not remember eating and/or her brain can no longer tell her she is full. Just curious, has her doctor Okd this diet for her?
Just read Geaton's post. Log worked for her but in my opinion, its none of their business. And personally I didn't have the time or the energy to do something like this. I give Geaton a lot of credit. If they are so worried about Mom, then they can come and visit and see first hand. Yes, I kept my brothers in the loop. Mom in the hospital, Mom in rehab. Any changes in Moms health. But I did not report what I did for her every hour of the day. To be honest, I didn't have the energy. If asked, I told them. Maybe u can do a weekly email. "Mom doing as well as expected with her Dementia. Did take her to the doctors. He sees no change in her mentally, blah, blah, blah."
What do you mean?
Social workers are perfectly capable of understanding that a person with dementia will not have an accurate recollection of what they have eaten or when. That's not the issue, it seems.
Preventing your mother from communicating with her family, even if she does talk twaddle to them, is called isolation, and it is a form of abuse. That's what they're investigating. Don't do it.
You may well be right that a low sugar diet is good for your mother's memory, but do not simply impose your food choices on her. If you want to adapt her diet to improve her health - and good for you for trying - do it sympathetically and in line with her preferences.
Who exactly is included in this distant family, and how might you set about improving communication with these people? Because that's the answer. You don't have to like them but if you want them to understand the realities of your mother's situation you will have to talk to them about it.
You say they have called the authorities at least 8 times. So clearly they don't trust you. But they don't seem to not trust you enough to volunteer to come and take mom off your hands.
I would not engage anymore; but I would not cut mom off from them, or vice versa, either. If she doesn't want to talk to them, let her tell them that, dementia notwithstanding.
Since food seems to be an issue here, I would expressly ask her doctor (s) if the Keto diet is appropriate for an 82 year old woman, You say she has lost weight - is it a healthy weight loss, or weight she really couldn't afford to lose? You can reduce her sugar by other ways besides the Keto diet, if you find reducing sugar her helped stabilize her memory loss.
If family asks you questions, and you wish to answer them, then do so - but only answer the question asked, Don't feel obligated to expand. But sometimes silence can be your friend.
Good luck.
I would think that most normal people would feel guilt for not helping a sibling care for an older parent, and that may be the source of their persistent redirection. Rather than face their own failures and inability or refusal to help, they redirect your attention and responses so that YOU are put in the position of defending yourself, when THEY should be defending their lack of support.
They're persistent perhaps b/c it keeps you off balance, not knowing when they're going to strike again.
I don't really have any suggestions other than a visit to an attorney who can notify them of the consequences of false accusations (libel, slander). And do document their calls and other harassing activities, not just to defend yourself against false reports, but in the event that you do need to take legal action.
I think the dynamics of these kinds of manipulations go well beyond my understanding, but what I might do is tell them that if they have CONSTRUCTIVE suggestions and WHEN they're willing to help, you'll be glad to give them lists of actions they can take to provide support (which thus far they've with held.)
In fact, you might try that - send them a list of everything that they could be doing to help, and shift the burden to them to justify their lack of action. When they don't respond, follow up (in writing) to inquire when they plan to begin participating in support.
The "put your money where you mouth is" and either "put up or shut up" philosophies are I think appropriate in this situation.
As far as the diet issue, all you can do is make sure your mother sees her medical doctor for regular appointments and/or address the weight loss and hunger. So much can be due to any number of medical causes. As my mother has aged, her appetite has changed with the dementia and her particular personality. A few years back, she called whoever she could reach and say there was no food in the house and she was starving. This alerted me to start Meals on Wheels so there could always be a frozen meal on hand. Now my mother also feels hungry more often because she forgets whether she ate or not due to the dementia. Lunch is the most substantial meal and every two hours I offer her a snack. A blood lab if she consented would tell if her blood sugar is normal or not (she won't consent).
Maybe you can direct social services to your mother's primary doctor if there is further concerns. Social services would have recommended by now a plan if any concern was substantiated and if there were several calls or investigations there is a pattern now established to tell if allegations might be malicious or misguided.
This is nothing but harassment and that he is taking the money she needs to live on tells you a whole lot about your brother.
I don't normally think interfering with a relationship is a good idea, but this is just wrong and I would have my brother explaining himself in front of a judge.
You should make sure that he doesn't have access to her bank account.
At least have know who reported you.
I have been asking but the officer & social worker said they couldn't tell me who did this.
How do you fight an invisible enemy??
I hope the suggestion of a journal helps.
Have a great day