Mom recently moved in with us and showing signs of dementia. My husband has NO patience with her and we have come to a fork in the road. He sees her as worse off than I do. He’s made it quite clear he can no longer live this way and it’s him or her. I feel totally lost and don’t know where to turn. Thank you for any guidance you can offer.
Mom may need more help than you admit.
But if this was not a choice he willingly made to have his MIL move in I get where he is feeling like this is a big deal.
And if he is used to the 2 of you having another in the house taking your time and energy he may be feeling like he is taking a back seat.
A few things to concider
*Get mom into an Adult Day Program. They typically pick up in the morning, provide a breakfast, lunch and snack. Activities and outings and return the participant in the afternoon.
*Get caregivers in to help out. (mom pays for the caregivers)
*Get help in for you. Cleaning people 1 or 2 times a month. (You and mom can split the cost of this)
*You get paid as a caregiver. (check hourly rates in your area $25.00 to 30.00 pre hour is typical)
*Mom splits all costs of the household. 3 of you living there mom pays 1/3 of ALL costs.
Decide now, with your husbands input at what point will you place mom in Memory Care? Agree to that, put it in writing and honor it.
If mom is currently cognizant see an Elder Care Attorney make sure you have all the paperwork you need to make the decisions you will need to make later on when she is no longer cognizant.
I think you maybe not realizing what an enormous stress this is. On you on your husband, your family and marriage.
I've been taking care of mom for 4 years, not living with me, but every doctors appointment, every hair appointment, the list is endless. Now the health issues are popping up more and more.
When my dad died 4 years ago, I had no clue this 4 years latter would still be my life. I read post from people, going on tem years or more.
Your mom is in the early stages of dementia, this could be a long long road.
I say one thing the last 4 years and my moods I get in to , my husband deserved better at time, it's only because of his support I've been able to do what I've done.
I would never move mom in and expect him to deal with more stress than I've already done.
Best of luck.
However, the real issue is that your husband is very unhappy with this arrangement, it is your and his house, not your mothers.
My step-mother had FTD, she was in AL first and then MC, I couldn't have her live with me, I would visit and hear the same verbiage over and over again, I had a difficult time just sitting there as we could not hold any kind of a conversation.
Most of the time these type of living arrangements do not work. IMO your priority should be your family, children and husband.
I don't know your mothers age mine is 99, keep that in mind, she could live for a very long time, so if you choose her, be ready for the long haul.
Might be time to place your mother in a facility for everyone's well-being.
Maybe marriage councelling is the way to go here. So both RealMary & her Husband can express how this effects each of them. Then hopfully gain better understanding of each other's viewpoints.
Your husband is where your loyalty should lie. If he isn't your first priority, you have more problems than we can solve here. I'm very sorry for the position you're in, but it's not too late to fix it, and I sincerely hope you will.
About Me
Recently retired. Brought Mom with us as we suspected abuse by other family members. It’s been way more difficult than I imagined caring for her.
You acknowledge yourself it's been way more difficult caring for mom than you thought it would be! Nobody works a whole lifetime to retire to Florida, finally, and then be saddled with an 88 year old mother in law suffering from dementia who's very hard to manage. What kind of retirement is that????
Your husband giving you an ultimatum is not a healthy way to go about this "fork in the road" either, in my opinion. Talking it out IS. That's what mature people do in such matters. Unless he's tried talking to you and you won't hear of getting mom to move out. Then he's at wits end and left no other choice.
If you want to stay married, and mom has funds, get her into Assisted Living. If she's broke, apply for Medicaid and get her into Skilled Nursing for long term care. See a Certified Elder Care attorney for guidance.
Good luck to you.
Not your fault Mom got old, was abused, or whatever has happened to her in the past. Not your fault dementia is developing. Your priority is your husband. Otherwise you end up divorced and burned out taking care of Mom forever. Better to get this situation resolved quickly, before Mom refuses to leave.
Find a Certified Elder Lawyer or Medicaid Planner and get Mom into a facility, using HER funds. Tell her you are sorry, but you and husband cannot be her 24/7 caregiver in your home. It is too stressful, and will cause divorce. In a facility, Mom will be fed, clean and safe. You won't be stressed out and worried.
Tell her you will find her a place and help her move. You will visit her often. You didn't expect caregiving would be so stressful, and simply cannot handle it. You made vows to husband, not your Mom.
You have been given very good advice here. Good luck!
Find your mother a facilty in Florida . There are tons of them there .
That should be a no brainer RealMary. Your husband and your marriage should ALWAYS come before any parent or family member.
So first thing tomorrow morning start researching assisted living facilities with memory units attached near you, so you can get your mom placed sooner than later.
And of course if money is an issue, you can apply for Medicaid for your mom.
Best wishes in finding the right facility for her.