My mum (now aged 91 years) lives in my house. I converted my teaching studio into a Wing 12 years ago, and she has her own front door and separate living and sleeping areas......but a shared inside staircase.
According to her - we live completely separately, in fact (in her words) she 'never sees me'.
In reality, I go in to her every morning before work. She checks what time I come home every evening, 'pops' in to my lounge, my kitchen, my bedroom looking for me most evenings, I often cook enough for her when I am cooking my son's meals etc etc.
She has no overheads or added expenses as she is living under my roof.
My sister lives 20 minutes away and phones my mother every night, but 'hasn't got time' to come and see her during the week. She does come every weekend for an hour or so, and sometimes takes her out.
My brother lives abroad and has no interraction with me, but phones my mother about once a week.
Neither sibling has ever checked on how I'm doing or offered to take mum away, or have her to stay with them.......I am not strictly a 'Carer' but I do so many things for my mum on a daily basis.
Don't get me wrong - this situation was not forced on me 12 years ago, but to be honest, I never thought that having my mother living in my house would cause me to have to make so many alterations and sacrifices in my life, and I never considered that my siblings would literally pull right back and leave me to it. In fact - neither of them contact me any more - all news etc is passed between us by my mother. I have tried to re-open the communication between us all, to no avail.
My son is now about to go to Australia to live, and unlikely to return very often, and my partner and I would like to travel more and spend more time together (we currently do not live together because of my mother) and to that end I have decided that I would like to move house, and to ask my sister to take on the responsibility of my mother.
It sounds quite callous as I write it all down, but my mother is a domineering, quietly controlling woman who is an expert in emotional blackmail.
Am I selfish to want to change my living situation without including my mother?
My partner and I are on the wrong side of 50, and I worry that our quality time together is being jeopardized.
I would be grateful for some outsider views.
Thanks in advance.
Are you in the UK? Do you mind my asking whereabouts, roughly?
I live in the South West of England, near Plymouth.
And you think that YOU are selfish?
You are an adult who is deserving of your own life and life choices. Others will chime in with how to sort the details, but no dear, YOU are not the selfish one in this picture.
You will likely hear lots of complaints from Mum that you are abandoning her. Sister may complain too, but that is not your problem. They are adults and can sort it out.
What does mom have to say about different living arrangements, since she never sees you it shouldn't make much difference for her.
I am sorry that she doesn't acknowledge all you do for her, that is so difficult to accept.
Follow your heart.
Edit: it's not like you won't ever see her again, this is about both of you having a life. She won't be happy, but that is not your problem.
Since your mother has had a zero cost of living for 12 years, then she must have lots of money saved to pay for a pensioner flat in your area. You also need to prepare financially for your own golden years.
Do not ask your sister to take your mother. I think you would be setting yourself up for disappointment. Rather, once you and you partner make a decision about where you are going, and you have toured some pensioner communities for your mother, I would reach out to your brother and sister. The power dynamic is completely different when you tell them something like:
"Dearest sibs - partner and I are moving to Timbuktu in December. I have found several pensioner flat options for mother around Plymouth. Personally I like XYZ the best for her. Hope you both are well and I await your thoughts."
If they give you thoughts that are helpful, great! If they ignore your efforts, that's their problem. If your sister offers to take your mother, great! If she doesn't, you have a pensioner flat plan in place.
Yes, this is my stance with my own parent. I so regret letting mother move in here...so many problems and I can’t go anywhere, and have to manage her life and do everything for her. I would not do it again, and I am forcing the issue on an independent living facility connected to a nursing home. We are going today. And if she drags her feet, I have no issue putting the house up for sale and moving on, because I deserve more, as do you. Good luck, no guilt ok? Hugs.
You would be completely unreasonable to spring this on her - let alone on your sister - suddenly and without full discussion.
Don't get me wrong: you need *nobody* else's permission to live as you please. But twelve years in to this current arrangement, you want to go about the separation in an orderly way, building consensus as you go. Don't bulldoze it. With firm but careful handling and patience you should be able to avoid too much damage to relationships.
I just had a quick look and there seems to be quite a fair selection of retirement communities and sheltered housing developments in your area. The idea would be to do your initial research online, shortlist (say) three that you think are a good match for your mother's background and preferences, go and have a look at them, and see what you think.
You then need to email your siblings together and tell them that the time for proper care planning has come. You have some ideas, and you'd welcome any they might like to contribute too, and naturally mother will take the leading part in making decisions for *herself* - but the status quo will not be an option indefinitely because there are changes ahead.
Your siblings may not be much use, but I doubt if they have the first idea of how your sense of unfairness and frustration has been building up. "No news good news" tends to be the rule for those who aren't in the front line, and up until now they have been allowed to keep their heads down. Do not wish your mother on your sister, just like that, without first finding out how they might feel about the idea.
Again, it is absolutely not unreasonable, unkind, or un-anything for you to make the decision that you have done your bit and it is time for your mother's support to change hands; and it IS your decision to make. But there are ways and ways of going about things.
You have done much better than I did - you have spotted the caring "snowball" before it has engulfed you completely. Good catch!
For all sorts of reasons - or "excuses" - siblings may not realize the full extent of a situation until they experience it up to their elbows. Then they may get it, as I and my brother (who has serious in-law family issues of his own, and who lives a few hours away) did. I regret not stepping in sooner, as does my sister, but I'm in there now and there's no going back. People get caught up in their own lives and time slips by.
I do agree with others who say it's undesirable and likely to backfire if you simply ask for their help or drop Mom off on your sister's doorstep with a suitcase. You certainly have the right to change your circumstances and get on with your life. I do hope they step up to the plate. Best of luck.
Agree: don't foist your mother onto your sister.
Agree: let your sibs know what your plans are after you've made them and if they don't like your plans tell them they can work it out, but don't change your plans for any reason.
Agree: don't pay for any of your mother's moving or care going forward.
Agree: no guilt.
Make sure sibs know there is a hard deadline for when this will happen. In the meantime I suggest you email your 2 sibs a nightly "recap" every night of what you've done for your mom *that day* (with details!). I did this when I was taking control of my stepFIL and MIL's crisis (but it was to keep everyone on the same page and expedite decision-making). They were flabbergasted at how much work it was and since they weren't local were more than happy to contribute in other ways. Congrats on the first day of the rest of your life!
She argues with her dog, cashiers or service people. When does the obligation end and our lifes begin? We retire next year and its basically depressing to think she will be " tagging" along. The guilt of hoping for her death is overwhelming.
This is about everyone and if it doesn't work for all it doesn't work.
This false obligation that parents place on their children is beyond selfish. She would have lots of peers to complain with in a facility and thereby never be bored.
It's like we teach our kids, just because you can do something doesn't mean you should, nor does it mean it's a good idea.
I hope that you can find a solution that works for the greatest number of people involved and not just 1 of many.
Really, life is too short for “could, woulda & shoulda” at our age as we too creep along towards the “September of our years”.
12 years is enough. Share the burden with your sibling (I hope she agrees). We work all these years for retirement when many of us have plans for travel, relaxation, hobbies, etc.
But our “tomorrow” is not guaranteed thus I say the it’s YOUR time. You do not sound callous at all. Your mother probably pursued her goals and plans for her life and you have the same right & to be guilt-free about it.
As for your question if you are selfish, my answer is absolutely not! Emotions get the best of us.
All I can tell you and maybe your answer would be the same is that If I knew then what I know then, would I have taken mom in? Most likely not.
We make choices for different reasons. They may be valid reasons at the time but priorities change. Looks like your priorities are changing, needs change too, desires change, right?
If you have the opportunity to make certain changes, you may want to take advantage of it sooner rather than later. Life is short. Avoid regrets if possible. You have been very generous.
Live according to what you need now. If you have guilt, seek help sorting through it if you like. If you don’t have guilt, good for you!
I wish I could say to you that I don’t have any regrets about being the primary caregiver for my mom but I can’t do that. That would be a lie. It has been a huge sacrifice.
I love my mom. I know she loves me. Even with love it’s difficult. No one’s life is problem free. We have issues like anyone else.
There are some things I cherish and glad I didn’t miss and other things that has been a huge burden on me.
As as far as siblings go, some do share responsibilities and others don’t. Mine don’t either. But I have accepted that it will not change. Even just a phone call would be nice asking how we are doing but you know how that goes, some siblings just don’t. Honestly, I don’t even know if they are capable of doing that. They may not have the insight to feel certain emotions.
Maybe if I would have asked myself a long time ago if I would have regrets later I would have felt differently about accepting a huge undertaking such as being the primary caregiver but I honestly had no idea it would end up being so hard.
I had no frame of reference. My mom did not care for her mom or dad. My dad’s parents died before I was born so you could say that I was ignorant or perhaps naive.
I don’t know everything. I have lots to learn. I know that even with a great husband, caring for elderly parents can cause stress in a marriage and family. Marriages and relationships take a hit. Ask yourself the tough questions. Make a list of pros and cons. I wish I had known to do that.
If you decide to make changes and it sounds like you are leaning in that direction then do it because it is your choice and be at peace. Ultimately it is your choice.
Obviously, I am not the best person to give advice on your mom transitioning out of your home because I have not done that.
The most I have done is recently arranging for mom to spend three weeks in skilled nursing rehab facility. Now she’s back home.
I can tell you that I felt some freedom with mom out of the house. I did visit often. It felt odd at first because of her being in my home round the clock but I wish I had spent more time focusing on me along with mom. I was so concerned with her progress that I still put myself on the back burner.
When a parent’s health declines it is intensely time consuming and emotionally draining.
Is it worth it to continue to allow her to live in your home? Only you can answer that. Some people wouldn’t have it any other way and that is fine if they desire that, others could not possibly provide a home or care for a variety of reasons. That is their choice. Neither is right or wrong. It’s personal choice. I’m up in the air myself about certain things so no judgment from me. No swaying either. I only want you to know that it does become harder as time goes by. My mom is 93. I am 63.
Lots of people on this forum have placed parents and can give you wonderful advice.
My mother lived with me since 2004 when I moved here in with me from Kentucky. She was 74 at that time. My partner and I agreed to it (my partner was a nurse practitioner) by building a larger home to accommodate her (similar to your studio conversion), and I also had a 9-year-old son (through divorce) at that time. In 2004, my mom had so many cardiac issues (she still smoked, she had several angioplasties by that point), I really didn’t expect her to see 80. Neither did the rest of my family.
Fortunately, for her, she’s had the best of medical care since moving to Florida. And to my surprise, her heart issues didn’t become fatal. But as she aged, there were new and unexpected issues that came up - she slowly became more self-centered and seeking attention. I heard the same thing: ‘I never see you!’ (I laughed when I read that - brought back memories - and yes, I saw my mother every day), but she was always in the midst of my business. I don’t think she was being invasive; she was trying to show her concern for her son… but for a son who is in his forties and independent and successful, that gets old fast. Her hospital stays became more frequent, and less about legitimate clinical issues and more about conditions that she could control - poor control of glucose levels, poor diet, too idle - and when I would suggest to take on different behaviors for her health, she denied it. She would say ‘these doctors just don’t know what they’re doing!’. And it was always up to me to take her to the ER visits, follow-ups, etc. while trying to maintain an executive job. And on top of trying to maintain a relationship with my partner, and being a father to my son who had severe learning disabilities.
You are not alone, and yes, your siblings need to be helping you out. One good suggestion made (below by someone else) is to engage the other siblings and capture what all you do for her. It IS a lot - it will help them understand and even help YOU see what all you do for her. You would surprise yourself if you capture it all on paper. I know you didn’t have this forced on you (neither did I - I volunteered to care for her because I love my mom), but as our parents age, the clinical issues become more numerous and complex. We don’t see it when we are younger - we just expect our parents to grow old gracefully and that they won’t change that much until they’re final day of life. Frankly, the changes are very slow and subtle, but daunting over time: memory issues, incontinence issues, mobility issues… it is indeed overwhelming, and all of us here give you credit for just being there for you mum the way you have all these years. It is a sacrifice, but when all is said and done, it’s worth it.
‘NeedHelpWithMom’ responded very eloquently. You NOW must live your life for you. You’ve ‘done your time’ and offered enough sacrifice that it’s time for the siblings to step in. I don’t think ‘dumping’ it all on them is effective either, but there can be a planned transition of responsibilities from you to your sister/brother. Only offer to help during emergencies - not on day-to-day tasks (you’ve done that for 12 years already). There is a way (when done calmly and rationally) to help your siblings see that they have an obligation to meet; when they respond ‘why me? It’s not fair…’, just remind them that they didn’t seem to have an issue with fairness when you were caring for her. The dialogue doesn’t have to be antagonistic, but you have every right to be firm by saying: ‘my partner and I are buying a home; my son is moving on - it’s time for me to live for me, and mum needs both of you now.’
Think back for a moment - what caregiving responsibilities did your mum at your current age do for HER mum? Did she give up 12 years of freedom to be there for you? (Even if as simple as a living arrangement.)
You will always love and care for your mum. You will continue to be engaged in her life
.... You will always love and care for your mum. You will continue to be engaged in her life - you won’t abandon her. But our time here on earth is short. I lost my older brother when he was 50 - he was the one sibling that I always thought was invincible - and his heart gave out at a very young age. He never got to see his three young kids grow up like I did. His death made me reassess my priorities in health, home, and finances… and I value every tomorrow that’s granted to me.
Be good to yourself, your partner, and your son - and absolutely don’t feel guilty about it even when others try to put you seated back on that guilt non-stop airliner. Set new boundaries between mum, siblings, and yourself. You still love your mum and you always will, but you also love your partner and son, and they deserve your time and love too.
Please read what Eric has said to you. His wisdom is amazing! He makes extremely valid points.
I too lost a brother as he has. It does change a person’s perspective. You owe it to yourself to seriously think about your future. You are younger than me and I don’t want you to watch more years go by then you want to and regret it.
Not trying to sway you because ultimately it is your decision for your reasons. Only you know what is best.
I think most parents try to guilt us at some point. Some on purpose and some not even realizing it. I know my mom does it too. We’re a Catholic family and it kind of comes with the territory! Catholic moms and guilt go hand in hand. Haha.
I have been suckered in with guilt more times than I care to admit. I also think sometimes it takes walking away from a situation to realize exactly what it is. Isn’t that the case with anything, a relationship, a job that we aren’t happy in anymore or perhaps we no longer find fulfilling. You sound intelligent to me. I know you understand what is at stake.
Make no mistake, if you are looking for validation from others who have been or are in your shoes, then you’ve got it, plenty of it at that!
Sometimes we have the answer but having validation is just what we need.
I adore what Eric had to say about siblings. In fact, I laughed out loud because he sounded just like my husband!
Mmaybe you can say your downsizing and want to travel while you can. Leave it to mom and siblings where she ends up. Assisted living would be good.
The brother and sister probably dont talk to you much bc they know they would have to hear sooner or later that you are stressed, or tired of being monitored, or your privacy interrupted etc. If they dont talk to you, they dont have to get roped into providing money, or driving mom to doc appts, or whatever else mom may need.
I would tell mom you want to talk to them when they call her. Be upfront and set a deadline. Of course you will have to tell mom first. Set a deadline or siblings won't lift a finger. You have been doing it all. Don't let them guilt you. If they say you have been doing it all along, remind them they only make a phone call or occass visit. The rest of the time is their time.
Your gonna have to play hard ball I bet. Good luck. Stick to your guns and do it.
I am on the other side of this situation. My daughter and her husband have invited me to live with them giving me two bedrooms and a bathroom on one side of the house. It means selling this house and moving there (two states away). I know I will have to work at getting a life going there (new friends, activities, etc). It would be easy to just expect my life to be with theirs. I will be isolated put plan to work at the new life. If it doesn't work out (she can be critical and judgmental) I will just find an apartment nearby. But then I would REALLY be isolated. If you can fix her isolation you might get back some of your life. I try hard to not approach her and let her "miss me" and come to me on her own. I am 70 and she is 35. I have heard her say "my mother is viable". She feels responsible for me which is odd, but is stoic that I have my own life. I will work at that. It is rare that mothers and daughters can be friends but it would be nice for it to be so.
i had to pop in & tell you that my mother was my best friend. She lived with me in Ca. For 15 years then retired & returned home to Ohio to spend time with my brother & her family. She spent every winter & early spring with me in Ca. for 25 years.
5 years ago I moved back home & purchased a beautiful home for my son, mother & I. She & I functioned our home just as a married couple would do & it ran beautifully. I traveled a lot for weeks at a time & spent visits with my older children.
My mom had the support of all her friends & my brother. In fact they came over more when I was gone.
My mom was my Rock! I loved, cherished & adored her. She passed away 2 months ago after a 23 month illness.
I cared for her for 21 months and sacrificed my life during this time. I only use sacrifice for other readers but to me, it was an honor & my job as eldest daughter to care for her. It was what I wanted to do. It was the last best thing I could do for her. That & her final service. her.
My brother’s had 8 strokes so alone, he was very limited to what he could do to help. My younger sister lives in a Nursing Home after a catastrophic car accident. She suffered brain trauma & is paralyzed.
I brought her in from CA. & cared for her in my home until my mom became ill. It was way too much on me honestly.
You sound like you'll be ok. I understand your apprehension in this situation. You’ve got resources to take are of yourself so should it jot work out the way everyone expected you have your out.
Who knows it could turn out to be a great experience.
Best of luck to ya.
I hope you find the friendship with your daughter. ❤️
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