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My mother is alone and doesn't care to be lectured about gambling. She's 76 and believes she'll die around 83, thus could care less about her money. She's gambled all her life. Her husband/my stepfather received a government payout after a surgery went wrong ($480,000), $80,000 went to lawyer, the rest ($400,000) was spent in a matter of 1.5 years.


Stepfather kept dropping clues not to let her sell the house because he was dying (cancer), suggesting she'll gamble it all away. Just before he died, they paid off reverse mortgage of $198,000 and the rest is now gone. Her credit card is maxed out at $7,500.


My mother called my wife a few months ago asking to borrow $4,000, circumventing me. She needed it to pay back a woman she recently became friends with. Most people she never paid back, hence no friends. I called and complained stating I couldn't allow it. She refuses therapy, refuses it's a disease, couldn't care less about what I thought, and didn't want to be lectured. She actually raged at me for a few days blaming me for never loving her as I did my father. How she never had anyone in her life that cared for her and she never wanted to speak to me again. (Note: She got Rooms To Go bedroom set for my kids (her grandchildren) hoping we would visit and just haven't been able to cause of COVID (live in TN, she's in FL).


We paid in fear of suicide, cause she's my mom, and with hopes it will be the end. Of course not, next 10 days she was at it again (I see all bank transactions as I handle all her bills). Regardless, we gave the $4,000 and both vowed to never enable her again.


She now wants to sell her house and have me help her find an apartment/townhouse/condo to rent at $1,200/mo (gets $2,003 in soc. sec.... nothing else). I told her I couldn't buy and rent to her because of her habits and she didn't care. She simply blew it off as it was expected. She just wants to use that $200,000 or whatever she'll get, for gambling and believes she deserves it.


Q: Do I help her find a place (apartment, condo, townhome, senior retirement community)? I'm afraid once the money is gone, she won't care if gets evicted because she knows we won't let her live on the streets. Not enough time to review all the lies and deceit. This has already put a strain on my marriage, mostly because of me. Wife makes great money and my mother knows it.


Factors:


1. She's worried she'll have alzheimers/dementia setting in soon. 
2. Has osteoporosis,
3. Has an eye condition where she can go blind any day if she doesn't use blood pressure drops ($60/bottle/month).
4. She's Asian and doesn't read/write English.
5. She gets around town off of memory.
6. She won't relocate near us in TN.
7. She lives in FL and I in TN.
8. I handle her bills thus have access to her banking (everything online).
9. Haven't seen her since Step-Father died (1.25 years ago) due to COVID.
10. She thinks I want the equity in the house and may believe I lied to her about lawyer costs to do Probate in FL. (Note: their reverse mortgage was in Stepfather's name and Ex-wife. We've been waiting 2 years to do Summary Administration because cheaper, yet she's found a lawyer who simply took $250 and transferring deed in her name).


I want to help her, but there's no getting through. She's depressed, has even lied about the death of a son from another father, not paid people back, and I feel she'll cause herself more harm knowing in the back of her mind I'll be there when she falls hard.

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Stop giving her any money for any reason. ANY reason. Stop believing her manipulating lies about suicide. Your profile says she has ALZ/dementia...does she have an actual medical diagnosis from a doctor? If you insist on helping her (and I totally get the "old world" cultural attitude about caring for our elders no matter what)...it needs to contingent upon the following:
- she assigns you durable PoA
- after assigning PoA you immediately accompany her to the doctor for a cognitive exam and if she has decline it is in her records and any attempt she makes to change her PoA won't be legal.
- she move to be near you
This of course only works if she actually does have diagnosable dementia.

If she says no to any 1 of the above, you need to extricate her from your lives as she is a parasite and you cannot help her until she's so medically or cognitively bad that you call her county's APS and they can pursue guardianship of her and then she'll be taken care of. I wish you courage and wisdom and peace in your heart!
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I guess if you have decided that you will step in and rescue her after she blows all her money then you need to decide if you are willing to lose your marriage for your mom. Because you will if you don't set and enforce boundaries.

I had to tell my mom that she would never get a penny from me and lead her to believe that I would let her be homeless. I am not willing to give up my life for her bad, selfish, self-centered choices. That was the only way to make sure that she paid her bills before she went to the casino. I have bailed her out financially in the past and I had to put my foot down or else she would take every penny that we have and not care. You have the same kind of mom and you need to make it clear that you are not an option any longer. If she threatens suicide, well that is her way of manipulating you to get her way. I told my mom that she needed to stop talking about it and get it done, I think it is pure evil to use that threat to get your own way. Now I would call the police and report that she is a danger to herself and have her Baker acted, 72 hour hold in a psychiatric ward, that would get her attention.

You are in control of your choices, yet you have given her all the power. You should take it back and protect your family from the consequences of her bad choices and yes, every single trip to the casino is a choice. She is so selfish that she will spend every penny she has to ensure that you don't get a dime when she dies, she may not die when she thinks she will and then what? You have to pay or she manipulates you with threats of suicide or some other hateful behavior on her part? Put your foot down now or plan to lose your life to prop her up.
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I’m sorry you have a toxic mother. She’s beyond just a gambler. There’s valid reason others have distanced themselves from her. If she rents, what would prevent her from gambling away the rent money the minute it hits her account before the rent was paid? An addict will find a way, despite all the precautions and barriers you put up, she’s always found a way to gamble before right? She’s proven there’s no reasoning with her. I’d say the dementia is likely already there, but it would take a neurological evaluation to say for sure. I’d leave her where she is for now. This site is full of people “waiting for the fall” that is, waiting for their senior parent to get in a jam where they have no choice but to accept help. Don’t give her any more of your money, soon enough events will happen that will force needed changes. I’m sorry you’re in this position, you’re not alone
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Plain and simple, YES you are enabling your mom. She's got you right where she wants you, and you just keep on enabling her addiction. I'm guessing it's perhaps out of some misconstrued guilt you have towards your mom, that you keep doing what you're doing. Tough love can be hard, but it's what your mom needs from you right now. You know deep down in your heart that things cannot continue to go like they are. You and your wife should start attending Al-Anon meetings(I know she's not addicted to alcohol, but it's the same concept) together. They will be able to open your eyes to a whole lot of things, and help you put in perspective, how dangerous what you're doing for your mom really is. I also find it interesting that you said you haven't seen your mom in 1.25 years, because of Covid. We've only been aware of Covid here in the US since about March this year, which is only 8 months. I'm guessing there is more to you not wanting to see your mom than Covid. I don't blame you. I wouldn't want to be around her either the way she is and treats you.
You are not responsible for your mom and her actions. She has to once and for all start taking FULL responsibility for her actions over the years. Until she does that, she will continue to use you any way she can. I'm sure you love your mom, but really, enough is enough. Time to put your big boy pants on and let mom know that you will no longer be bailing her out with any money, and that she will now have to suffer any negative consequences from her actions on her own. She'll never get any better if she knows that you will continue to bail her out of her messes. Please get yourself some help and stay strong.
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You will not change your mother. You cannot control your mother. No one can control what anyone does with their own money. I myself would simply tell her she has a serious gambling addiction, give her the access numbers for 12 step programs, step away as her financial helper. She is ON HER OWN.
A threat of suicide may be manipulation and it may be real. But WHICHEVER is the case, you are not in control of whether or not she commits suicide either. You are many states away. Give her a 911 number in case she does anything rash and can save herself. The fact is that a suicide hotline will be more help than you could be. Tell her that you hope she would not commit suicide, that it would grieve you terribly, but that there is no way you can help her with this and she needs a professional.
You are co-ing and enabling her every single time you give her any money or help her to GET money. She has blown through what she blew through. Please try to go to a meeting of Gamblers Anonymous, go to Al-Anon, and there learn that you can do nothing to change another person. Your Mom has blown through thousands and thousands of dollars. She is very likely to blow through anything she can get her hands on. Don't be a part of it for your own sanity and her own health.
So sorry. This is a dreadful thing to have to witness.
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