My Dad is 80 and lives on his own. He was my Mom's primary caregiver until hospice came in 4 months before her passing two years ago. He suffered two small strokes a couple years ago after she passed. He recovered fairly well from the strokes but last month was hospitalized with kidney failure (probably due to dehydration). We live about a half hour away…we have cameras in his apartment and also check on him regularly with daily phone calls which is how we knew he wasn’t doing well and called the ambulance for him. (I am his only child and family close by… he calls me his guardian angel.) His kidney function improved but we found out he has a mass on his right kidney which he will have an MRI on in a few weeks. Dad has additional issues such as uncontrolled Diabetes, spinal stenosis, and neuropathy. He also has age-related memory loss, which is progressively getting worse… over the last few months he got lost coming to my house once (where I’ve lived over 20 years), and has had asked me for directions to his pharmacy and bank a couple of times. He also forgets to check his blood glucose and to take his his meds on a regular basis even with me calling him to remind him. (He just started insulin a month ago.)
A few weeks ago, Dad’s neurologist stated to him, and me, that with so much stuff going on it is ‘probably time for him to stop driving’ … but Dad feels like he’s fine. I took his car to my home when he was hospitalized. He was ok with me keeping it when he was hospitalized, but recently is becoming more upset and angry with me, insisting that he wants it back. It’s killing me thats he’s so upset.
I remind him of his health issues and reassure him that whenever he wants to go someplace, me or my husband will take him but he just wants his independence to go out when he wants. He lives in the middle of his town and could walk to many places (with his cane)... church, restaurants, pharmacy are within 1-3 blocks … but he can be unsteady at times and walking long distances can take a lot out of him. We already drive him to all his Dr appointments and bring him to our house for dinner when he’s feeling up to it. I am his POA. After many late fees, I handle his finances. I do his laundry, I fill his med box, he has a cleaning lady 2 times a month and we now have meals on wheels delivering lunch and dinner to him and are working on getting church volunteers to stop by his place to help with medication reminders. He’s grateful for all we do for him, and I can imagine how frustrating it is for him to be losing so much of his independence. Honestly I believe he needs to be in assisted living, but he refuses to leave his apartment. We are doing everything we can so he can stay there, but not having his car has caused him to become so very angry with me to the point where he hung up the phone on me tonight and said he’d be better off dead. This crushed my heart…….I know I shouldn’t, but I am second guessing if he should have his car back. Is there anything I could say or do to get him to react reasonably and reassure him?
And anyone with any kind of mental decline should not be allowed to drive as they not only put themselves at risk , bit others as well. And because it's known that his mental facilities are declining if God forbid an accident were to happen, he could be sued and lose all he has. It's just not worth the risk.
Just keep telling him that his doctor said he could no longer drive, and that you're sorry but you must listen to the doctor, and that you understand that it's hard on him not to be able to drive anymore, but that you will be there to take him places when he needs to go.
Hopefully in time he will realize that it's for his best, and honestly with his mental decline he will most likely forget it sooner than later anyway, as with all of the dementias, things only continue to get worse.
I wish you and your dad the best.
…it is sad, but as time goes on I can see things getting worse so I understand that things won’t be getting better. I will continue to reassure him the best we can.
Thank you for taking the time to respond to me.
At 83 it was a serious accident that let my brother know he couldn't drive. He lay bleeding in the arms of a neighbor saying "I knew something was wrong" over and over.
You need to sit with your father and honestly discuss this. My partner is 82 and well capable of driving. But if you suspect, if a DOCTOR suspects that your father should give up his license then he likely should. I would sit with my father and repeat the doctor's words, then tell him that you cannot make the decision for him, but feel he shouldn't be driving. If he says he is fine then ask him to allow the DMV to make that decision and you will support him. Tell him to go with you to DMV and request a written and driving exam. If he passes, then he passes; that's the best you can do.
If all is said and done and your father refuses, then tell him that you are doing your best to support his decisions, but as his decision making is less and less good in your own estimation you will be removing your support more and more. He is not only risking his well-being, but that of innocents in the streets.
I wish you the very best. At some point your doing more and more will "enable" bad decision making for Dad. That's the sad truth. I hope he will begin to consider a move to ALF. A hard decision to be certain, one that may eventually be inevitable.
No one needs to wait for any doctor to make the call on ending the driving. The tricky part is how to do it. Your dad's anger is not rational so try not to take it too personally (and think about how you are keeping him and others safe). What I did with my LO is preemptively arrange for regular rides so she could run errands. I enlisted local and trusted family, friends, neighbors, church acquaintences and had them call her up to offer rides to the grocery store, mall, etc. I secretly gave these volunteers gift cards to my LO's favorite restaurants so they could also take her out for a meal. She enjoyed the company more than losing the driving privilege.
Your Dad will adjust to the new normal eventually, if his dementia allows it. Make sure other people in his network know to never lend him a car for any reason. Just sell it and stop paying the insurance (I'm sure his rates must be sky-high!) You don't have to engage the argument if he brings it up. Tell him "It's just not an option Dad," Then change the subject.
Make sure to report him to the DMV online as a dangerous driver. They will mail him a letter telling him to come in for testing. No one should take him to this test, just let his license expire so that he no longer has a valid one. I wish you much success in getting over this hump.
I hope to avoid the tragedy your family felt … am so very sorry to hear what happened. I understand how my Dad must feel but his safety and the safety of others is a top priority. We will continue to help him understand and to support him as best we can.
"So, how was your day today?"
The less you discuss it, the better. Spend your brain cells on constructive things like researching senior transportation options.
L
https://www.yelp.com/search?cflt=taxis&find_loc=Poughkeepsie%2C+NY
The "Best 10 Taxis" in your area, it claims.
If your father is among those people who look on taxis as an extravagance to equal caviar for breakfast and owning a racehorse, remind him that what he saves on fuel, car maintenance, insurance, parking fees etc etc will buy him an awful lot of cab rides - and indefinite independence without the worry and responsibility.
It's actually the getting lost on familiar routes that's the Big Red Flag. Sadly, it is sometimes followed by the driver reversing at speed into a brick wall and having absolutely no idea how that happened, either.
That's a lot that you do for him now, and you live 30 minutes away. Be careful about promising to take him wherever he wants, whenever he wants. It sounds like he really needs a more supportive living situation (and I do NOT mean moving in with you!).
But you are also aware that his abilities are diminishing day by day, and no one has a timetable for when things cross the line and cause larger problems for him or others in his surroundings.
When an elderly person with previous neurological problems “refuses”, WE as loving caregivers HAVE to opt for SAFETY FIRST.
As just one example of his need for more support, you mention that he has “uncontrolled diabetes”, and hasn’t been able to get the hang of managing his insulin. Since insulin management can have a major impact on emotional/cognitive performance, can you consider that he is doing himself NO FAVORS by refusing to play by your rules?
He’s depressed, and no reason why he shouldn’t be. But as heart wrenching as that is for you, you must step away from being “loving daughter” and take on the role of “objective life manager”.
And painful that WILL BE, but with love and concern you can both emerge as loving participants in his continuing life.
TODAY, look up ALs in your area and see if any seem appealing to you. When you have time, do a drive by.
This is a time when you’ll need to put aside your natural empathy, and need to develop a very objective strength.
Many of us have had to do that, and ultimately have done it.
When I place my mom she would have hit me physically if she could have mustard the strength. It’s terrible lie I had to tell her. She was convinced her car would be parked in the AL parking lot. If I had told her differently she would not have moved. She made a terrible scene.. so be it…
Of course you are doing the right thing, he is getting behind the wheel of a 2 ton vessel and could easily kill himself or someone else.
Might be time for AL, he will not need a car there.
Just last week in our community, a 80+ senior lost control of his car while pulling out of the townhouse parking lot area (only going about 5 miles per hour) but he lost control of the vehicle and sadly mowed down a father who was at the corner with his 7 year old son and 3 year old in a stroller; they were waiting for the school bus. The 7 year old was killed on the spot. In another incident on March 12th this year, in Washington DC -- just 20 mins away -- another 80+ senior lost control of his car (mistook the gas peddle for the break). He sped up so fast the car jumped the curb and landed at a outside restaurant on top of several tables filled with people having lunch outside. Two older women were killed instantly and several others critically injured: https://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/women-73-76-ided-as-victims-after-suv-crashes-into-outdoor-dining-area-in-dc/2997560/
I cannot imagine what these families are going through; the death of a 7 year old child (father and 3-YO brother injured), the husbands/kids of the two older women killed just while having lunch together on a nice spring day, the others hurt critically OR the drivers themselves and THEIR families for NOT knowing when it is time to stop driving, when it is time to insist that elderly parents stop driving. Or time to have a physician make a report (they can do this) to local authorities.
Yes, it may be time for assistive living or nursing home care especially if dementia (sounds like it from your description) is party of the equation. And dementia or "mild cognitive impairment" if that is the case; may also be impacting his judgment to understand it is time to stop driving as well as it may be time for some type of senior living arrangement.
Just like your mom and dad had to do what was needed, do what was right for you you were growing up and to not be concerned with the fact that you might get mad at them; now the roles are switching. This is one of the hardest things to do, to "parent our parents" and accept they may become angry or downright hostile towards us. But you cannot let your fear of him being angry at you for YOU to NOT do what is required for him and OTHERS to be safe. Tell him, his doctor told you both it was time to stop driving and you both have to follow doctor's orders.
Perhaps volunteers (some areas have volunteer drivers for seniors), and a combo of Uber/Taxis if that exists where you are; can help.
Good luck. This is not an easy journey.
dad passed two weeks before his license was revoked. But if I had to do it over again, I would have stood firmer, and no matter what it took, forbid his driving. I was stupid thinking it was convenient for me to let him keep driving to the pharmacy, etc.
sometimes you have to be the bad guy.
I am aware of the incidents in the DC area (where I also live) outlined below. Yet non-senior drivers also do wreak havoc; driving on unsafe and busy roads is plain risky, with substandard signage, potholes, speeders, lots more. I agree with Sohenc about Uber or a volunteer driver assigned by a seniors program (in the DC area we have Senior Connection). My car was vandalized, so I learned how to Uber, but charges mount up. Uber is easy, convenient; you can add $ into his account. Drivers usually appear within 5 mins here. Free senior driving programs are everywhere. Holding a drivers license is dignified but does not mean he has to actually drive. I was caring for my mom, I could not get to my renewal appt; it's awful, Virtual driving youtubes might fulfill the lost thrill of driving; the technology exists for you to video his regular routes -- not a bad idea as a memory support. Or maybe just take photos of his old haunts for an album to browse.
My 60 yo sister with brain cancer refused to stop driving even when she wasn't safe. As I had no authority I couldn't stop her but tried for years (DMV would only accept doctor requests at the time). We were "lucky" that the accident that totalled her car resulted in no injuries for anyone. But I refused to help her buy another car until the doctor said she could drive. Doc ordered the test and it came back as negative for driving.
Never easy, I do understand and wish you the best.
If not, you can’t just take his car.
So while I agree with you and the neurologist, try another approach. My mom stopped driving and said she went from being a senior to old.
Handling the emotional part is the problem. Get a social worker involved to deal with his anger, and let his doctor know. Dad may need medication.
Blame the doctor: once it is in his medical record that he was advised not to drive you can send that information to the department of motor vehicles and have his license suspended or switched to a non-driving ID. It is out of your hands once the licensing authorities are involved. The worst Dad can do is refuse to see that doctor again.
This is all about Dad's safety and long-term wellness. It sounds like the beginning of many conflicts that he is unable to understand. God bless you for your compassion and love for your father, and give you the patience you will need.
good luck,
Colleen P. Pell