Am I doing the right thing?

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Am I doing the right thing?

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I am looking into assisted living for my mom. This year alone she has spent 4 months in hospital and rehab in the last 6 months. She has tested positive for C.diff again ( her 3rd round this year). She now has a catheter which I have a feeling will be a permanent fixture. The heart doctor wants to do a procedure to see if fluid is gathering around her heart or lungs so they can treat condition properly. Should I allow them to do it? Mom just wants to sit in her room and play games on her phone. I’m 4 years into her living with me. And I’m just exhausted. I have to manage her meds, clean, cook, doctor appts, pay her bills, try and be her physical therapist, I do it all. She is pouting now that my husband and I told her we were looking at assisted living as her care is getting more than I can or want to continue to do. I know that sounds mean and uncaring. She says that she knows that we have been wanting to get out from under her for quite some time. Said that she’s already lost one home and now she’s losing this one, that no one wants her and she has nowhere to go. The guilt is laid on thick. I get that she is scared and I’m sure disappointed that she would have to live else where. She seems all consumed with only her plight, not what I and my family have sacrificed to have her live here with us. I had to quit my job to care for her. I feel she needs more care and stimulation than I can give her. I signed on to take care of her as long as she could care for herself. I can’t even get her to wash her hands as she should ESPECIALLY since she has cdiff. My husband has been more than amazing and supportive until this last bout of ER visit and admittance to hospital and again rehab. He wants his wife back. I will be a 1st time grandmother this year and I’m finding it hard to arrange someone to come stay with her so I can be there for my daughter. Plus my son is getting married, we’re throwing them an engagement party next month and I’m freaking out on how I’m going to get it all done and care for her on top of it.

Am I doing the right thing by making her go into assisted living? Or am I being a selfish daughter?

Assisted Living Care Decisions Guilt Mom

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The answer is yes, you are doing the right thing. Don't let her guilt you into making a bad decision...for her. It is time for her to be placed. You and your husband are entitled to a life, you have sacrificed enough.

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Yes it’s time to look into some form of assisted living. Are the cdiff infections UTIs? If so, something is not correct about her toileting hygiene. Is she in charge of her own toileting? Or does she have a medical condition which causes them and the need for a catheter? Have you checked into the requirements for your local assisted living facilities? In my area they don’t deal with catheter or colostomy bags, so I would want to get some facts about that before advocating for a catheter, so you can make informed decisions. I would suggest visiting the local assisted living places on your own without sharing any info with your Mom until you have gathered all your data, and have chosen your top 2. Then assuming she qualifies, let her chose between the 2. You can use the argument that the frequent trips to the ER are not normal, and are an indication that she needs more hands on care than she can get at home.

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Yes, you are not only doing the right thing but you are doing the only thing you can. I think it may be difficult now with the C-Diff to get her placed. If this is the third go around with it, then it has never left, and treatment likely making it only worse. Fecal Transplant needs now to be considered as it is an instant cure. I think you should also stop the medical procedures and move to palliative care. The heart is a pump and it gives out with age, allowing all sorts of fluid buildup. There are only medications to remove fluid to help and they cause losses of potassium and yet more medication. I honestly think that you cannot go on. This will be an unhappy time for both you and for your Mother. Don't expect it to be nice, to go well, to go without tears and anger. They are part of life, and not everything in life can be fixed so that it is "happy". I think you know you have reached your limitations and I think you are right to proceed; I only worry that you may have difficulty placing a woman this ill in Assisted Living. Do consider move now to palliative care consult.

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I also believe that, yes, you are doing the right thing to find assisted living. It sounds as though your mothers needs can no longer be met with the current arrangement. Her needs will continue to place more demands on you, and you have already quit your job. Four years is a long time, and you have done well by her. At this point, you are allowed to have your own life. Enjoy being a wife again to your husband. Enjoy being a grandmother. You do not get to have these years back again. Your life is important too. Once placed, you can still monitor your mom's care, and still be her daughter. As for the "test" to see if there is fluid around the heart and lungs, I would seriously question putting her through that when she already has a catheter to deal with and seems otherwise comfortable.

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You are doing the right thing to find alternate arrangements for her. But the catheter may be a deal breaker in that type of facility; she may be required to move to a nursing home/skilled nursing facility. You will need to check the places you like to see what their admission criteria is.

You should not feel guilty; that does not stop us from feeling that way but this is your time to enjoy your daughter, and grandchild and your husband. Sorry that your mother is unhappy but we do see that elderly people lose their empathy for others, especially their family members who are their caregivers. This generation did not really care for their own elderly, at least not for years and years. There were fewer options and also, less people lived into their 90's.

Just keep moving ahead with this; find a place with multiple levels of care if possible. Private pay facilities that also take Medicaid are a good choice because in the event that she runs out of money, she could move to a Medicaid bed.

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Absolutely you are doing the right thing.

You are burnt out.

She has C Diff and the risk to your new grandbaby due to her poor hygiene is to great.

She needs the 'village' to care for her and you are only one person.

She will not be losing a home, she is gaining a new one.

I have no patience for those who try to lay down a guilt trip. I do not accept the guilt, as I know I am doing the best thing I can with the resources I have and based on the other things I need to do.

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Having been in your shoes, I also say yes. Look into assisted living. What your mother doesn't realize - or doesn't WANT to realize - is that you are a person too. You are entitled to have a life, you are getting older and will be less able to do for her as well as your husband and yourself, and you are going to be a grandmother. Of course you want to take an active part in the important events going on in your children's lives right now, and caring for her limits your availability. Don't expect her to understand; it seems that when we get older and more disabled, we tend to think of ourselves first and only. I know my mom does. She's pulled the "nobody wants me" card on me too. The dementia requires her to have 24/7 care and I can't provide it. I have continually had to remind her that I am supporting my autistic son and college student daughter alone, providing a home, health insurance and transportation as well as tuition. Find her a good facility, encourage her to participate in their activities and make new friends, and visit her when you can. Keep her in the loop on the goings-on of your children. Bring her home for weekend visits sometimes. I know it's easy to say "don't feel guilty," but truly, you do deserve your own life and her needs will be met.

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My grandmother also resisted going to assisted living. She was living with her grandson and his wife, and when the wife got pregnant, my aunt decided that it would be too much for her to deal with Grandma plus a new baby, plus continuing to work. And when my grandmother actually got to the assisted living community, she loved it. Like your mom, my grandmother had become socially isolated. In assisted living, there were other people around for her to play cards and watch TV with. She volunteered to visit people in the skilled nursing area and taught Girl Scouts to knit. Grandma told us that she should have moved to the community years earlier (she was in her mid-90s when she got there). Being cared for by family is not always the best thing for people. You're doing the right thing and it may be better for your mom in the long run.

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You should agree to the investigations the cardiologist wants done. If he's right, the symptoms can be alleviated and your mother's quality of life will improve.

You should press ahead with the assisted living option. The time you can then give to your mother will be all productive and all voluntary; whereas at the moment it is divided among chores, anxiety and conflict.

Both of these actions - to me, an outsider, going just by your account - are in your mother's best interests. They are the choices which will result in optimum support for your mother.

That they will also restore your life, your presence as a wife, mother and grandmother as well as daughter, and some of your peace of mind... wanting these things is not wrong, you know. It is not selfish to enjoy these side effects of finding the best care for your mother!

Don't fall into that trap of thinking that if something suits you, it must be somehow morally questionable. Not this time. Good for your mother is also what is good for you and the whole family.

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As the others have said, yes, you are doing the right thing. I just wanted to point out that the Assisted Living Facilities here in Colorado do not take residents in who are catheterized. I was finally able to find ONE facility for my dad, but they would NOT administer at ALL to his catheter (which was temporary). I had to take him to the ER by ambulance every single time he had an issue or needed help, and there were many issues to deal with. A skilled nursing facility WILL assist with catheters. You may want to check the ALs in your area to see what the deal is with their rules regarding catheters. Also, I seriously doubt an AL would take her in with a case of C-diff. In short, an AL only wants to take in residents that are pretty easy to deal with. It's ok for them to have incontinence issues and require a wheelchair or assistance with dressing/bathing, etc., but when it comes to real medical issues, they tend to shy away. The ratio of caregiver to resident in an AL is approx. 20:1, so that's one reason for all the rules. You can hire a broker, for a fee, who will search out all the ALs in your area FOR you to find out if there's any that will take your mom with all of her special needs. Here in Colorado, Morningstar is an AL facility that takes residents with lots of special needs that others refuse, ie: being a 2 person transfer, special dietary needs, etc. The costs are very high, however, and get pretty close to skilled nursing costs.
Good luck!

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Worries me that the hospital keep sending her out without apparently being 100% clear of the cdiff. Could well now be endemic to her system and just very easy to trigger with poor hygiene but they should be making sure she is clear before sending her out it is so easy to pass on especially to others with compromised immune systems.

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You are absolutely doing the right thing. Refusal to maintain basic hygeine especially with her cdiff issue shows definite mental decline which is only going to get worse, and hard though I may sound this is not a mental or physical situation that it is good to bring children into. Find a facility where you can tell her it is respite to see how it works for you all (no comments on being able to come home in a while), she will no doubt settle once been there a few weeks especially if you do not visit more that once a week - that sounds like "desertion" but frequent visits stop people settling in and getting into a routine and to know others. If you get through everything else going on then you MAY decide she could come back to you, but I suspect it would not be a choice you had to make - do not be put off by what seems like increased rate of decline, if you see someone less often you simply notice it far more

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First of all, you are NOT being a selfish daughter!! And you are not "making" her go into assisted living - you are finding a place where she can get the care that she needs, that you no longer can provide. Your story sounds almost exactly like mine so I can definitely relate. My Mom loved to play the "poor, pitiful me" card and lay the guilt on heavy.........and it worked. My husband was also wonderful with her and got up every morning and made breakfast for the two of them and visited with her just so I could sleep in a little longer. It was when his health became an issue that I had to make the decision to move her to memory care. I agonized over it and still feel the guilt but, at the same time, I know it was the best move for all of us. Best of luck to you - and best wishes for your new grandbaby!

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You have been a wonderful, generous daughter and son-in-law. You are ABSOLUTELY doing the right thing...for her, you, and your family. The guilt will subside in time. Retire from being caregiver and move on to the next job: care manager. Hugs to you.

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Yes, yes, yes! After just 6 weeks of having Mom stay with me after a heart valve replacement we both agreed she needed AL. My blood pressure was rising and I was really beginning to resent her expectations of my being a 24/7 on-call assistant. I don’t think she saw it that way but with an elderly person you are constantly dealing with a lot of issues.

Mom is 92 and in pretty good shape for her age but is a fall risk and wasn’t eating well or taking her meds correctly. I was still working 8-10 hours a day and my home is too small for all of her mobility devices. We couldn’t even get a bench seat in the bathroom.

It took about 6 months for her to get settled in her new place, she calls it the "condo." She has never been very social but has slowly made friends and is joining in the activities.

Consider that any kind of elder facility is going to provide cleaning, laundry, meals, personal care and general supervision. They are never going to be one-on-one patient to aide ratio, but at least there are multiple people doing the job you have been doing alone 24 hours a day!

I frequently have guilty feelings about Mom being "in a home." But then I remember that she has had 92 years of life. I am 64 and just retired with many plans for my new free time.

My sister-in-law is doing the same thing with her elderly father. Her daughter told me she and her kids rarely see her mom and she is missing so much of the kids childhood. I hope you find a nice place for your mom and get to enjoy your new grandchild.

BTW have you considered a daytime in-home caregiver to give you a break? Even a few hours a week can be a big help while you are searching.

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Again I’ll say it. Studies have proven the elderly , particularly with dementia, do better with socialization. You can’t do it all, you need help. She needs professional care, I assume you aren’t a medical professional. Depending on her situation, she may be able to go into an assisted living facility with a mix of independent and assisted individuals( if possible see about one that transitions into memory care if necessary as she could need it and it’s less of an upheaval if she does . ) She can make friends and participate in activities. According to my mother’s doctor , they usually do throw a fit but it’s a front for the family and very different when no one is around to guilt trip lol. My mother fought it tooth and nail and now considers it home and has made friends.

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Dear lady: You cannot continue on like you are caring for your mother at home. She should have this needed test. It would be better for her AND you if she lived in an AL. Prayers for this difficult decision. I know it's not easy.❤❤❤

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Absolutely. If MOM is unwilling, she is being selfish. Caregiving is a hugely demanding undertaking physically, mentally, financially and emotionally. Not to mention the toll on the rest of the caregiver's family. Parents who make kids promise not to "put them in a home" or promise "not to put Mom in a home after I die" are not there during the actual caregiving. Even hiring professional caregivers and not having to be there all th time, still leaves a huge amount of responsibility for someone, particularly if Mom is neither physically or mentally competent. My husband and I have recently moved into an assisted living. No responsibility for our children. good long-term planning is required for sure. But there are options, and they should be looked into by the time an adult reaches 55 years of age so that they can be followed through and put into place. This begins with Advanced directives (living will) and goes on through trusts, money, insurance, state support services for the elderly, paying off mortgage and being realistic about living situations. One I often recommend is to move into a SMALLER house if you decide to stay at home. Single story, minimal landscape to care for and limited housekeeping. All of these will go by the wayside if health care needs and costs rise exponentially. Too sad to see seniors begging on the streets because they are homeless.....

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I told my brother last week, when I am around 82 I am going to check myself into independent living. We are placing his dad and his wife into a beautiful 3 year old facility. They do and have everything including a bar! My kind of place. I have saved and planned for this over my entire career, knowing that I refuse to be a burden to anyone, including myself!

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NO guilt! You are NOT sounding or being mean!
Move Mom to AL or Nursing facility.
You’ve done your time, now let the pros do it.
Then enjoy your husband (maybe a second honeymoon?), new grand baby and new daughter-in-law. Live life again. Go back to work IF you want to.
This ship has sailed. If you don’t place her, you and your family will fall apart. Do not sacrifice one person over many. She’ll adapt...they all do.

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This is totally the right thing to do. I did the same, and while it was hard, it was a huge burden lifted from me. Our parents are resistant for many reasons, one that they don't know what the modern assisted living facilities are like, and the other that change is hard, especially if there are memory issues.
You can go back to being a wife, and being her daughter, and not her caretaker.

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Thank you for all your advice and some of your own situations. AL will not take mom until she has 3 negatives for c-diff which won’t be able to take place until early October due to tapering her antibiotic for it. This should give us some time to find just the right place for her. I guess I need to find out my options if she doesn’t test negative as well.

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Thanks for the question and comments. I needed to hear this as I consider care options for my 92 year old mom. I know in my head what to do, but the heart sends its own message.

Re C-diff: My mom had multiple occurrences as well in 2008. Multiple rounds of multiple antibiotics, Very dire prognsis because of the repeat occurrences. Got her on Dr Ohira probiotics. A little pricey but well worth the price. Do not need to be refrigerated. I swear they saved her life...obviously as she is still with us 11 years later. Still takes them. Should be available at reputable health food stores. Good luck!

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Kimmie; how are things going?

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I'm going to revive this thread, Kimmie.

Your mom needs to be in Assiited Living. You are NOT selfish to want to have a life, a job and time with your family.

It's your MOM who is being selfish.

You husband and daughter are trying to extricate you from a codependent relationship. Please go on vacation and allow mom to go to respite care.

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You are doing the right thing.
if she cannot even understand the need to handwash and her CDiff issues then she is mentally in decline.
You have other responsibilities to your husband and your family - at sometime we have to admit others can do as well or better than we can for our elders. Yes she will guilt trip you - cry, say she isn't wanted etc. etc. - she WILL get over this and you will be able to go back to being a wanting to visit daughter rather than a worn down resentful one in your own home. Hugs xx

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You’re an amazing daughter. You’ve done what you were able to and then some. It’s not selfish to ask for help and you’re putting her first by having her someplace certified to meet her needs now and future. Plus, she’ll get her daughter back.

Also, has your mom been evaluated for depression?

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