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Ignore her. Walk away. That's what I do. Many times the complaining is the first step in fight-picking. Your mother (like so many other elders including my own) want to fight because they want someone to take their anger and boredom out on, along with a justifiable excuse to bully and behave abusively. So, if you behave like a human being with human emotions and respond to the instigating then you give them a fight. The elder then will very likely go around telling anyone who will listen what a terrible and vicious monster you are and everyone will think you're the biggest a-hole in the world. I don't know if your mother is like mine, but I have a continuous complainer too who also loves pity and sympathy. Nothing she loves more than making me look like a horrible monster who treats a poor, disabled senior so terribly. Just ignore her. Don't give her a fight. I found that when the complaining starts if you walk away and ignore them, they start to let up.
Do you live with her? Does she have dementia or Alzheimer's? You've not given us much to go on. Lots of people complain. If you live with her,(and even if you don't) and don't like her complaining, leave the room or the house to get away. Just tell her that you really don't want to hear it anymore, and when she has something positive to say, you will return. You can set boundaries, about what you will tolerate, and what you won't. You have that choice. Best wishes.
I'm not trying to make light of your situation (and my mother was and still is a world champion complainer) but it always makes me think of this poem I used to read to my kids from a Shel Silverstein book...
COMPLAININ' JACK
This morning my old jack-in-the-box Popped out—and wouldn't get back-in-the-box. he cried, "Hey, there's a tack-in-the-box! And it's cutting me through and through!
There also is a crack-in-the-box! And I never find a snack-in-the-box! And sometimes I hear a quack-in-the-box, 'Cause a duck lives in here too!"
Complain, complain is all he did— I finally had to close the lid.
I'm with the others who replied to say you must "close the lid" by walking away, ignoring her, putting in ear buds or abruptly changing the subject every time she complains or talks negatively. Years ago I told my mother that her constant complaining and negativity sucked the oxygen out of a room. She took offense to that. I wish you success in dealing with it.
Cut down your contact with her, one way or another. It's the only way to save YOUR sanity, and with just a header, no details and no info in your profile, that's the best answer I can give you.
No she does not live with me she lives next door. she does not have Alzheimer’s but she has beginning dementia. she complains about the weather she complains about not being able to see the doctor then when she has a doctors appointment she doesn’t want to go she complains about the president she complains about the food she complains about her house you name it. she was never like this growing up thank goodness she raised me perfectly as I see it so I want to care for her so she doesn’t have to be in a home and I will never have to worry about someone hurting her. she has a beautiful life here and so do I I just wish she could see it I just tell her to pray I wrote her a gratitude list for her to read every day and be grateful. I don’t charge her anything to live in my other house. My other sibling wants nothing to do with taking care of her so I will continue to do it because she was so good to me as I was growing up.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Many times the complaining is the first step in fight-picking. Your mother (like so many other elders including my own) want to fight because they want someone to take their anger and boredom out on, along with a justifiable excuse to bully and behave abusively. So, if you behave like a human being with human emotions and respond to the instigating then you give them a fight. The elder then will very likely go around telling anyone who will listen what a terrible and vicious monster you are and everyone will think you're the biggest a-hole in the world. I don't know if your mother is like mine, but I have a continuous complainer too who also loves pity and sympathy. Nothing she loves more than making me look like a horrible monster who treats a poor, disabled senior so terribly. Just ignore her. Don't give her a fight. I found that when the complaining starts if you walk away and ignore them, they start to let up.
COMPLAININ' JACK
This morning my old jack-in-the-box
Popped out—and wouldn't get back-in-the-box.
he cried, "Hey, there's a tack-in-the-box!
And it's cutting me through and through!
There also is a crack-in-the-box!
And I never find a snack-in-the-box!
And sometimes I hear a quack-in-the-box,
'Cause a duck lives in here too!"
Complain, complain is all he did—
I finally had to close the lid.
I'm with the others who replied to say you must "close the lid" by walking away, ignoring her, putting in ear buds or abruptly changing the subject every time she complains or talks negatively. Years ago I told my mother that her constant complaining and negativity sucked the oxygen out of a room. She took offense to that. I wish you success in dealing with it.
Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon.
My mom wasn’t a huge complainer when I was young.
She liked things a certain way but I don’t remember nonstop complaining until much later when I became her full time caregiver.
It is exhausting after awhile. Try to tune it out (easier said than done) as much as possible. Don’t give her ammunition to argue about.
Nod and say yes! Hehe, she can’t argue with that! Just acknowledge her statement.
You don’t necessarily have to agree in your heart but she will feel heard and you keep your sanity!
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/deal-with-too-much-complaining-from-elders-141481.htm
she does not have Alzheimer’s but she has beginning dementia.
she complains about the weather she complains about not being able to see the doctor then when she has a doctors appointment she doesn’t want to go she complains about the president she complains about the food she complains about her house you name it.
she was never like this growing up thank goodness she raised me perfectly as I see it so I want to care for her so she doesn’t have to be in a home and I will never have to worry about someone hurting her.
she has a beautiful life here and so do I I just wish she could see it I just tell her to pray I wrote her a gratitude list for her to read every day and be grateful. I don’t charge her anything to live in my other house. My other sibling wants nothing to do with taking care of her so I will continue to do it because she was so good to me as I was growing up.