I’m 63 I have 3 grown children and 5 grandchildren. I take care of everyone whenever they need something from money to help with kids. I have no life anymore due to my husband of 39 years and his alcoholism. He’s had liver failure 3 years ago, apparently resolved. He has been working from home since COVID-19 about March 22, 2020 or so. Which enables him to drink 24/7.
He has fallen multiple times, doesn’t bathe but once every 2 weeks or so. He stayed in our basement on his bed couch all day and night. When he had to come up two flights of stairs he’s barely able to hold on without falling. I’ve considered divorce but don’t think I can bear to do that to him at this point. I want to sell our house in Kansas and go back to Florida where we could finally have him retire. He works still receives a nice social security benefit monthly. So financially we are ok. I am taking prescription Xanax and clonopin for anxiety and sleep and also Paxil 37.5 but I’m not able to sustain my weight at a healthy level I have lost 30 lbs in a year I am 5’2” and just weighed at my pcp at 88. Doctor is concerned it’s depression and anxiety over this situation with my husband. Also, my oldest son (former addict) lives with us but creates havoc here with his former addict friends. I also allowed a friend to stay here while she finds a place to stay and it’s created a lot of anxiety for me because she is not a tidy person and her two dogs and cat are also here. I had talk therapy many times and I can’t get a grip on my life and my own goals with the husband issue.
Do you stay with out of love, guilt, or financial reasons?
You remind me of a dear friend who's DH is also an alcoholic of 50+ years. He just retired, she is still working (at age 75!!) just to get out of the house. She also takes in her kids and grandkids all the time and the stress this woman endures!
One day, after listening to her talk about the same exact thing she's been on about for 42 years, I said "Linda, why are you STAYING? You are absolutely miserable and your family is not there for you...except for her oldest daughter who would take her in in a hot second". She looked at me like I was crazy. "I can't LEAVE, who would take care of everybody?"
She honestly had NEVER thought about leaving. I gave up even trying to talk to her. She's on FB every day complaining about her life, her family, her rotten kids--and most of us just kind of sigh and send her a little virtual hug. She doesn't WANT to be better. Her hubby is a waste of time and space. (He has hit her, many times--so it's more than just emotional abuse).
Until YOU pack up and walk, nothing will change. Your alcoholic hubby will not change, there's no impetus to do so. He KNOWS you won't leave.
I'd suggest Al-Anon and hopefully some counseling, w/o DH at this point.
BTW, your dr is spot on. Stress these days is the 'normal' dynamic. We're all a mess. Having a hard family life makes it much worse.
I'm learning to say no and to take care of myself. Ok, DH has had to figure out to run the washer and vacuum, but it hasn't killed him.
Don't mean to sound uncaring--but your DH is ruining your life and you're worried that a divorce would be something you couldn't bear to do to HIM.
Yet he abuses you like there's no tomorrow.
My heart breaks for you, but only you can change this.
Come back--others will have more specific and better ideas than I do.
((Hugs)) b/c you NEED them!
What work does your husband do?
Liver failure doesn't usually resolve itself, or not in a good way anyway. What has gone on between his health crisis three years ago and the situation as it is now?
You take prescription drugs. He drinks, and hides at work down in the basement. While I fully agree - could not agree more strongly - that "there is no situation, however bad, that cannot be made worse by alcohol" I suspect that the real problem is a complete absence of control exercised by the TWO of you over what use is made of your home, your resources, yourselves.
Perhaps you and your husband need to make a new agreement about how you will protect one another?
You need to get some help for yourself, whether that's Al-Anon, or some other type of therapy/counseling. And really a divorce shouldn't be out of the question either. You can't change your husband. You can only change yourself, and if you really want it bad enough you will do whatever it takes. Will it be hard? Of course it will. Change usually is. But the rewards will far outweigh any bad.
Your family will have to learn to stand on their own 2 feet, and not be so dependent on you, if you really want to have a stress less life. You obviously get something out of feeling needed, that you allow all these people to take advantage of you. There's only one Savior, and it's not you. His name is Jesus. Quit trying to save everyone else and try saving yourself. You're worth it.
Can you start setting aside funds for a security fund? Chaos is with any home with addicts. You can take a walk or listen to music or take up a hobby. I love to garden just pulling weeds feels good.Busy yourself with things that make you feel good. Try it for an hour a day. Counseling and Alanon help and so does going to church and mediation . You are in for a surprise because your life can improve in spite of the crazies. I met a wise woman who was working at a local Costco handing out samples. Her story was that she now lives alone after a difficult marriage. Her comment has stuck with me. She said that she is so grateful to work and go home to a "quiet peaceful" small apartment. She made it through and you can too.
If you make steps for yourself, you will find some peace. You have a choice!!! GO for it.
I am more concerned about you. Get some therapy and is there somewhere you can go even for a short while? Start making plans to move somewhere if you can afford it because this life is going to kill you. You are the enabler here.
6 months later he had a stroke , then came Dementia , he’s now in pull ups like a 1 yr old , I bath, shave, dress , feed him he can do nothing on his own. I prayed God heard , I was brought back in time to care for him as I had always done. So I know what you’ve gone through I also know if you stay it will never change. Take care of your self for a change.
You have done your best to pull him out of his drunken world. It didn’t work . Now pull your self out of it , give you a chance at having a happy life why should both of you pay for his poor choices . I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world . I hope you start over , there’s happiness to be found out in this crazy world we live in . Go look for it. God bless 🙏🙏🙏🌺🌷💕
I divorced my alcoholic husband after 13 years and it was the best decision I’d made in a while, for both of us. Now he has no choice but to either confront and fight his disease, or live with the consequences of it. My being there only made it easier for him to continue drinking while took care of the ill effects, and that was damaging for both of us.
1st thing, tell that "friend" to clean her crap up and take care of her animals or you will call animal control to come get them. Who moves into someone's house and doesn't take care of their own pets and go out of their way to be helpful and clean? You need to get on her every time she leaves a mess. That is so trashy I can't even imagine what kind of human would do that. Most certainly not a friend.
2nd thing, are you sure that your son is an ex addict? Because I know that being around the dope is not possible when you are clean, it is to much of a temptation. I would drug test him and tell him that he is outta there if he shows any dope. I would also put my foot down about his drug buddies even being in the house. Your son is a grown human, time for him to become a man and go get his own place, right now he is a guest that is taking advantage. Time to grow up boy.
3rd thing, you can't change addresses and expect it to change the fact that your husband is a drunk. He will be a drunk in Florida as well. You can not do anything for him, only for you.
Are you sure that you don't want to leave him and try to find a life for yourself? Because you would get half of everything and that may be enough for you to live.
Sending you strength to stand up and shake the dirt from your back. These people have to go, they have shown you who they are, believe them.
Focus on YOU and your husband. You all have been together this long.
Tell yourself, You are going to take care of you. Yes, you hate to see what your husband is doing to himself but you got to love yourself first. Don't let him bring you down with him.
First off . Tell the girlfriend that you plan to sell and she need so look for alternative arrangements asap , or at least tell her straight that she needs to be tidy while in your home or she will have three weeks notice to get out . Enough is enough .
Tell your son that his friends are not welcome there any longer . It's your house and your rules , if he doesn't like it he can go somewhere else .
Call a doctor and see if they can assess your husband for placement in a rehab facility . Not sure if you can afford one but he needs to dry out and I'm not even sure how he can possibly work from home in the state you describe .
If that is not possible , you are not a martyr , stop letting him steal your life and your health . You did make vows I understand but this is too much for you now and he will drag you down most certainly if you don't call a divorce lawyer and explore your options in regards to money and the property . See what you can get to aid your escape . It will be an escape , no doubt about that. You married and made vows to the man that was your husband. You are living with someone else entirely instead .
You are trying to be a good person but you cannot live for others , you deserve happiness , you deserve freedom , you deserve peace of mind.
Seize it . Don't wait .
I pray you have the strength to do what you need to to get away .
You are exactly right, you need to get a grip on your life. Do that by taking back your home from others using it as a flop house.
And here's something else—there's no prize for being a martyr. Only a slow descent into a place you already know you don't want to go. So please take this life-saving step.
Your husband won't change until he wants to stop drinking. You focus on yourself. Too many caregivers die before the ones for whom they are caring.
Start with friend: have a very frank talk with her about your mental and physical situation and give her a deadline - say 2 months - to get her finances in order and locate another place to live. If she is paying you rent, you might just tuck that away and return 2 months of it on the day she tells you she has found a place. Yes, you are giving her money, but it's a very small price to pay to move her on. She, 2 dogs and a cat need to be out - she's not going to find a place until you bring it up and hold your ground. Once you talk, send her a text to 'confirm' the conversation.... I feel bad about having to have that talk with you, but I have to get my life in order. I wish I could offer more time than Aug 31, 2020 to be out, but I have to do this to get my personal affairs in order.
For your son - ask him where he wants to live and pay 2-3 mos rent/utils for him. You won't have to feel bad about putting him on the street because you aren't.
Then you're left with hubby. Be honest w/him. How many years you've played the game with him, hanging out/drinking all day during his work from home time, not bathing, etc etc. You would like him to start over with you in Florida, but if that's not what he wants to do - are you willing to move on without him? None of us are getting any younger and you deserve a happier life for yourself. That choice is yours. Divorce will split the funds from assets (house, etc). Maybe he and your son could buy you out and let you move on. The alternative is that you stay where you are and wishing you had moved on, I guess.
I got married for the financial security. He quit drinking on his own after marrying me, but if he wanted to drink I would care less. When he dies I get it all. That's just the way I feel about it. I won't remarry. All I care about is the money.