I don't know if anyone else can relate to this - my mother is still working, and lives in a massive house with a massive property. It's full of junk. I mean, FULL. My sister and her kids are living with her, partly out of necessity, partly to help out, and I travel over 2 hours every weekend to try to help with the property, but we're both sick, we both have disabled kids, and she's actually healthy. My sister recently had a nervous breakdown, anxiety attacks, and has several very serious health issues, and I have cervical cancer, arthritis, and a host of other issues. The electricity in parts of the house has stopped working, and I don't know how to make her hire someone - she keeps asking me to get a friend of mine to drive down to fix it - for free! She does have some mobility issues but refuses to accept them (though they're a fine excuse for not doing the shopping, most of the cooking, organizing things, etc.). In a perfect world, she'd sell the house (which she's been saying she was going to do for about 20 years now, it's always "I want to sell this house in the next 2 years, so 'this' has to be cleaned up/cleared out/fixed/redone" but they're still there. If she sold the house, at least she could get an apartment and my sister could afford to live on her own - I really don't think my mother realizes how much she leans on my sister and I. She's perfectly capable of living on her own, but leans on EVERYONE, including her friend's husbands, to get things done for her. I'm exhausted - downright exhausted - mentally and physically, from the things going on in my own life as a single mom, but this travelling is killing me, and my sister definitely has the worst of it. Nothing is ever done 'right,' she gets upset if she thinks my sister spent money on things she shouldn't have (even though she works full time too) and I have gotten to the point where I even considered moving back to take the load off her. She's selfish and demanding, and has anxieties about just about everything - so you can't do ANYTHING without asking several times, just to be sure, and even then she gets upset. 'Put this lightbulb in the upstairs bedroom, and this one in the kitchen.' So you do. Then she changes her mind, but instead of saying 'I changed my mind' she says 'no, you put them in the wrong rooms!' It's literally that bad. I'm still hurt by the abuse that went on when I was a kid, and while I feel an obligation to help get the house ready to 'sell,' and I made a promise to my father on his deathbed that I'd always take care of her, I feel like my life, and the lives of my kids (and my sister and her kids) are being sacrificed - it feels like a continuation and even a worsening of the abuse I grew up with. Are there such things as 'Elderly Interventions?' I feel like there should be - an expert who can sit down with the whole family and point out the realities then work to a solution. But my mother doesn't live in reality - she hops off to work, then to volunteer, pops in for naps and dinner, then when she's not busy, orders my sister and I around like we're slaves - and never, never says thank you ONCE. It's like she gets HER happiness by helping others, then demands to be treated like she's too old to do anything in her own home. That house is 40 years old and hasn't been maintained. How do we say 'it's impossible, mom - let it go and sell it?'
My mom also was a hoarder. recognize it for what it is. She will never willingly get rid of anything, especially the house. It all lip service to keep you hanging on to hope. This too, is the behaviour of a narcissistic mother. Look up on line about narcissistic parents. I think you will find a lot of answers there. I kno I did. It didn’t change her any but it gave me insight and realistic expectations for myself. THAT in itself probably saved my mental health more than all the counselling available.
It’s tough. you and your sister need help making a plan that will save you from being “used” and only fill the need when real needs must be met.
getting friends to do free work is off the plate. She will find fault and it will drive a wedge between you and your friend. Besides, you don’t appreciate being used, why would you allow a friend to enter into that situation too?
breathe. Pause. Breathe slow and deep. Smile and be kind to that person in the mirror. You are fantastic. You are worth the smile and kindness you can give yourself.
Same themes - aging, demanding mother in a huge house, a hoarder, cognitively fine but suspicious of others, mobility issues, was still working well into her 80's - except that Mom lives in the house that Dad built for the family - we kids literally all helped build/maintain it so there's alot of personal investment in this being the house that we built. When Dad left, mom got the house in the divorce - 35 years ago. One brother lives next door, another nearby - and she expects a lot from them in terms of help maintaining the house. They are builders themselves and very capable of doing the work, but they avoid Mom and delay getting to key safety/repair needs for months/years. When Mom fell a year ago - I tried getting outsiders to come in to do repairs/maintenance - but they won't let anyone on the property that they don't personally know. I live four hours away, have a house, a husband and a high needs child. I too make several trips a year to try to help Mom, who manages to sabotage or defer much of what I try to do - them complains that no one helps her. It took eleven years to get her to meet with an elder law attorney! For the past five years, I have been primary caregiver in my home for my father who now has Alzheimer's; he is now destitute despite having worked his ass off for many, many years. (He recently went into assisted living - but w/o funds to remain there b/c the trust his mother left was squandered in a legal squabble between the executor and another family member.) So I've got it going at both ends - quit my job three years ago to be able to manage it all. I am still living my parent's divorce.
This is going to sound really cold; BUT, it's time for Tough Love. Wish I'd been smart enough to have done this earlier myself & to have stuck to my guns better.
What your situation really boils down to is the conflict between how we view ourselves - as always being our parents' child & therefore forever required to respect, care for them etc. - & who we've become.
Then there is the problem of feeling that we "owe" our parents. Well, what about what your mom "owes" you? She owes you respect! You're now adults with your own lives & your own responsibilities. Your own families need you. You owe them a life with you in it & without your mother controlling it.
Your mother may have brought you into this world but that was her choice. Her job was to raise you properly & make sure you could take care of yourselves. You don't really owe her anything for doing that.
It is essential you sister figure out a way to have a place of her own away from
I too developed health issues - not as severe as the 2 of you are facing but they were ignored until they couldn't any longer. Mom's demands & the multiple responsibilities I had & how I chose to respond (mental stress/strain) caused my personal & physical well-being to deteriorate. I was trying to maintain the yards of her 5 pieces of property plus my own 81 miles away as well as get the crucial repairs done.
I'm sorry, but there's no easy way to stop this destructive infinity loop the 2 of you are in other than "using a sharp knife to sever the many & intricate ties that bind you". If you don't, she may very well outlive both of you & your own families will become further hurt/traumatized than they already are.
You imply your mother is mentally "fine" but from what you've written it doesn't really sound as if she's "living in total reality". It might be that she has certain tendencies/her own personal quirks OR she may have certain or beginning to have cognitive problems. Only a professional will be able to discern that.
In all fairness, my mother was an only child & she came very close to being "driven into the ground" trying to meet her mother's demands. I became a walking basket case by the time my mother died. I wasn't eating right, I was recovering from unexpected major surgery for a rare appendiceal mucocele & was barely managing to walk around with (according to the doctor who did my next surgery) the worst full thickness rectal prolapse he'd ever dealt with. How I managed to even function, I couldn't tell you. I wasn't eating right, was existing on Monster drinks, dealing with multiple cases of poison ivy, rashes, bruised & bleed easily, etc. I was physically & mentally exhausted. Plus, my fiance (81 miles away) became gravely ill & I only got to see him twice before he died.
Don't shorten your own lives by continuing as you are - being dutiful children. Yes, that's exactly what you're doing. You owe yourselves & your nuclear families a life separate from your mother's. You & they deserve it.
It's not going to be easy & you will feel guilty. Find a counselor (whether certified or a priest/minister/rabbi) with whom you feel comfortable & "pour out your guts". You both have been so "beaten down"I know that's easier said than done; but, it's really what you need. I did. After a 1-1/2 years I'm starting to feel good about myself.
All relationships are complicated. It's obvious you/your sister have been trying to do everything within your power to help your mother.
Don't get me wrong. I loved my mother; I chose to spend nearly 12 years caring 4 her/being her advocate. Had I not moved to where she lived, she would not have lived as long as she did. As bad as it sounds - perhaps that would have been better b/c I would not have come so close to hating her.
My circumstances were both similar & different from what you/your sister are going through. No one deserves to be emotionally/mentally abused, Cut the cord now!
The only thing you can change is yourself. On your own write down what you feel you can do for your Mom and still keep yourself health/sane/happy. For example: " Mom I will bring you groceries every two weeks, visit for 2 hours every week and call every other day. " And STICK to it. Let HER figure out how to get her needs taken care of. It is not your job.
Start seeing a therapist to help you set these boundaries and stick to them. You have had a lifetime of being trained by your mother to jump when she calls. You life is just as important as hers.
Check out the advice columnist Captain Awkward. She is great with understanding the need for, and establishing, boundaries.
Some people have some form of dementia, they never will function as a healthy person.
Some people are bored and not interested in improving their lives or don’t know how to become involved in life. They become frustrated with their lives. Some people are mean, just mean people.
Some people are suffering with depression or anxiety and seriously suffering for valid reasons and would welcome healing in their lives so they do seek help and improve. Others I believe seem to enjoy their depression and anxiety.
For instance, I know an older woman who actually told me that she is constantly thinking about what she has to worry and be sad about. She isn’t happy unless she has something to be worried or depressed about. I cannot be around her. Her behavior drives me crazy.
Of course we all have bad days but for her, every single day is a bad day! She takes it to extremes and she has a good life. She is relatively healthy and has no financial issues, has three children who care about her, a slew of grandchildren, etc.
At first I tried to reach out to her but when I realized she really loved the ‘woe is me’ act, I decided to back off.
Here’s the thing though, she always has a new audience to perform for because people catch on to her and drop her like a hot potato.
Her family certainly knows her behavior patterns and she constantly insults her family and anyone else who won’t listen to her chronic nonsense. People like her give me a headache! Literally! So, I stopped trying. She won’t change so why should I allow her to annoy me?
But as I read this post, what strikes me, as what strikes me in my own situation there are two separate (but related) issues.
One is the physical demands on SilverLinings and her sisters time, which is a burden in and of itself.
But to me, equally hurtful is this sense of entitlement and demandingness on the part of the parent that sort of debases the kids. I have said I may even like helping my own mom out if there was a sense of appreciation or lack of entitlement.
In this case, your mom could move to an apartment and on one hand there would be less physical demands, but the same selfish demanding person would still be there and she would find ways to exercise that selfishness.
There is a saying, wherever you go, there you are. So your mom could move, but she would still be the same person.
Eg OP's Mum will still expect a new downsized dwelling to be cleaned & maintained by daughters while she works & volunteers.
Self-preserving boundaries will need to be made, re-enforced, redrawn over & over.
I can see why some people move a long way away. Maybe the sister would consider moving to OP's town? Just an idea..
I remember when my Mom was younger - she would have been in her 40's at the time. She liked to go shopping for clothes, but she would never try them on. On one occasion she requested that I return something for her. At the time, I lived almost 2 hours away. So after letting her know that I would have 4 hours of driving to do something that would take her 1/2 an hour to do, I refused. Can you believe she repeated that story of the "moral wrong" I had committed for the next 30 years?
Narcissists.......
We (wife and I) had a similar problem with my distant in-laws. They both had health problems at the same time, so it was entirely on us when they were finally forced to AL. We sold their car to Carmax, found an estate sale place who would do a sale for a large percent, and found a service to clean out the house. The house sold quickly, not for a huge amount, but we were done. We had taken personal items for them to take to their AL.
We could have gotten more money for everything by taking much more time and fixing up the house. But there comes a point where the possessions and their "worth" is crushing. Yes, we could have garage sales, but doing the work to present and sell - is it really worth the return when you are no longer young?
Getting her to actually sell the house may be the hardest thing of all. It is easy to understand the reluctance.
My mother said she would sell for years. Even after she was in AL. Finally we decided downsizing would be good and bought the house from her. We had it renovated. She had an easier time selling to family, and we were able to rescue it before it became too dilapidated. I gave away or donated most of the contents. My story, if she asked for a possession, would be that I gave it to her neighbors, which was true for many items. For other items I was ready to give her a check to convince her it had been sold. Used furniture and other possessions generally sell for little in the real world.
Killing yourself for that last few pennies is just not worth it if you are an older adult yourself.
I agree with others that you need to stop helping with the house. I did, and I could fix almost anything it needed. Hard to do nothing, but in my case it helped to let her become a little overwhelmed. She was mad I would not help with the house, but I just explained I no longer had the energy to do work like that and was no good at finding repairmen.
It's the only way your mother will "see the light" and act on it.
"She could apply for housing, rent subsidies, things like that, but there might be a codependency going on. While she DOES recognize that her health issues (the breakdown, panic attacks, etc) ARE caused by her living situation, I think that because she lives there, she's having a hard time envisioning what her alternatives are, and how moving out is truly her only choice at this point."
Rather than spending time every week helping mom, help your sister out by finding the resources for her. This would probably take less time and physical effort than what you are currently doing. Once you have some reasonable places and assistance she might qualify for, take her out and have a serious talk with her, presenting the information you have gathered. Include that you are no longer going to "enable" mom, which in some respect is helping/enabling your sister. Encourage her to make this change. If she balks, so be it. There is only so much you can do to help others. As hard as it might be to leave your sister to wallow in mom's abuse, you need to then just back off (start backing off NOW though!) A combination of providing her with the resource information she needs AND no helping hand from you might be enough to get her motivated. Hopefully she will see the light. If/when she moves out (don't warn or threaten mom first!), then provide mom with a list of repair/util people.
"I'm now thinking if I conceded part of anything left to me to my sister I'll a) be slammed with taxes and b) I'm very concerned my brother will fight for more."
IF mom passed and IF there were assets left to you all, then you TAKE your share and USE those assets to pay any tax implication - HOWEVER, the limit for inheritance is very high, and it doesn't sound like there would be much, even if the house were pristine and could fetch a nice price. You can then "gift" up to about $15k to your sister, with no tax implication to her, if you so choose.
Estate sales - my understanding is generally unless she had some priceless items, these don't generate a lot of money and the company takes a nice chunk out of it. Then you are left with anything that doesn't sell.
As for the house itself - if sister has done and/or paid for repairs and has any receipts, she might be able to recoup some. If she is living there rent free, then some/all of what she has done/paid for could be considered as payback/rent. This is NOT really the important part. Mom is able to work and volunteer, so she should be able to clean and clear out crap. Anything too heavy could either be (re)moved with help (paid or one of you help), but until she starts getting motivated to clean/clear out, hands off!!
It *really* sucks to have to do it after the fact, but that's what we had to do. In your mom's case, I would recommend the same. Let her live in her squalor and deal with it after the fact. Mom's place looked okay, but she had SO many clothes, shoes, handbags, etc that I was not aware of. She wasn't making a huge mess, superficial cleaning was done, but once you start taking everything out, whoa!! It took me over 1.5 years to get it cleared out, cleaned up and fixed for sale. It was about 1.5 hr each way and I could only spend a couple of hours each trip packing and cleaning. Brothers provided some help, but most of it fell on me to manage/do (including managing her care, coordinating the sale and all the finances!) The big repairs were the heating system that died after we moved her to MC and replacing the glass that was blowing seals/fogging up. Once it sold, what a relief!
As for her "stuff", if she moves or passes, some can be donated (get receipt/dollar amount if possible), yard sales (clean out the junk first, then you can have the sale indoors), pitch what isn't useful/wanted/salable, etc.
I laughed when reading the part about needing help ironing!!! I haven't ironed anything in years, if not decades! I don't iron my stuff, I'm not about to iron ANYONE else's stuff!!
Perhaps in your case, you AND hubby need to back off. Oh, he can't do yardwork this week, he's strained his back (I promise your noses will not grow!) Then the following week, you are both busy... if she can't/won't do it, so be it - let it get to a point where either she relents (don't hold your breath!) or intervention can happen.
It’s time for you to stop traveling down on the weekends.
It’s time for your sister to move out.
Why would your mother make any changes? You are making it too easy for her to keep things exactly as they are.
Look up “codependent caretaking.”
https://www.expressivecounseling.com/articles/codependency-caretaking
You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Not even your mother.
Caretakers don't practice self-care because they mistakenly believe it is a selfish act.
Caregivers practice self-care unabashedly because they know that keeping themselves happy enables them to be of service to others.
Best wishes!
When mom is ready for change, then you can discuss with her the changes to be made and the timeline. Don't think that "the daughters" need to do it all. Enlist help from family, friends, church and paid help.