My dad who lives alone and still works, had a serious complication to the flu shot several months ago and ended up in the hospital for four days. After receiving a blood transfusion, he slowly got better and was released home. I came down to care for him and after physical therapy he got back to his old self. About a month later he came down with the shingles in his arm and hand and between him having difficulty with pain and self-medicating, his health was declining swiftly. He was all but bedridden. I came again and got him through the troubles and back on his medicine correctly and determined though he is still able to do a lot he needs some basic care with meals, medication, and bathing. After months of discussions with my husband we decided to move in with my dad, (who lives in a huge house) and care for him. My siblings are on board and willing to help. Since we have moved in, my husband has progressively gotten angrier. We have been married for 20 years and he has always gotten along with my dad, but living together my husband became resentful. I do all the cleaning and cooking for both my husband and my dad and don’t mind it at all, but my husband became jealous of my dad. So, after talking my husband suggested it would be better to separate him and my dad. My dad agreed and we moved my dad into the living room and me and my husband have the den, so they do not see each other unless my husband comes into the living room to say hello to my dad. Now after 8 months, my husband says it’s still not working, and he is insisting we put dad in AL move back home. I love my dad and my husband and don’t know what to do.
Your husband has been supportive of your decision to become caregiver to dad, but he wants his wife and his life back. You both now realize that moving in with dad was a mistake. Find dad an AL and go home! Visit dad on Sundays at the AL and stay for lunch. Take him cookies.
The agreement should have been to "give this a try, and at the point it isn't working for ONE of us, it is over for ALL of us".
That would have prepared your father better for what now should be the final outcome, his placement in care.
You have a choice" whether to throw yourself on your dad's funeral pyre (which won't help him or anyone else) and lose your husband, or whether to have both you and hubby sit down with Dad and say that you gave it a try and it isn't working. That Dad needs now to go into care. That you will help him with sale of home or whatever he needs to do to fund his care, and to find him a nice place, but that within the next six months you and siblings and Dad need to work together to get him in a safe place.
Then Dad returns to being a loved Dad you all visit.
You return to your home, your husband and your life.
I don't see another option, myself. That would be what I would do. But then I never would have attempted this in first place.
It's up to you. Not everything can be fixed so that everyone finds Nirvana. Most things are patched together the best way we can do it.
I wish you the best of luck. Your Dad may not be happy about this, but age (I am 81) I find, isn't the happiest of times for us on our human journey.
You are an independent adult child of your father.
Your priority needs to be your husband and your marriage.
8 months is more than enough for your husband to do this and I don’t blame him one second for recognizing it’s time to end this arrangement.
Your siblings need to step up so you can exit this unworkable plan or your dad needs to go into assisted living.
It’s time for you to get back to your regular lifestyle and your home.
Its a big difference living in someone elses house than your own. You gave a decision to make and it should be in favor of your husband. Tell Dad its not working. That he is going to need to make a decision about his care. What does he need a big house for? Assisted livings are so nice. Everything will be done for him.
Life changes, our needs change. It would be great for Dad to "age in place" but that can't happen. He needs care that you can no longer give him. Your DH is #1.
We are only getting your side of the story here... if your husband was posting, what would he say is the real issue? What is he jealous of...? That at the end of the day you're too tired? Are tied down and can't do the things you used to do? He sees this as not ending for a long time and he's correct.
Your husband is your priority, not your Dad. Either the other siblings step in to replace you or transition your Dad to a good facility.
I've seen too many marriages and lives ruined by this type of situation, where someone moves into an elder's home or worse, moves the elder into their own home. A wake of destruction follows, and the caregiver ends up mentally, physically, and often financially, broken. Meanwhile, the person being cared for keeps soldiering on like the Energizer Bunny or a Timex watch. 40% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for. (I'm not saying it never works out, but those stories are few and far between in current times.)
It would be one thing if your dad was on hospice and had only weeks or months left, but he could go on for years like this, and his needs are only going to increase.
Who has Dad's financial and health care Power of Attorney? Anyone? If not, your first step should be to visit a certified elder law attorney (nelf.org) and get these ducks in a row along with an advanced health care directive. You do not have to take on these roles yourself, but you and your siblings need to decide who in the family is going to be "it".
Actually it's Dad who decides who'll be "it", provided he's legally competent, but it's important to understand what all this entails before agreeing to the responsibility...because it's a BIG responsibility.
If you're considering being the lead person for Dad's caregiving, whether it's hands on yourself, hiring aids, or getting him to move to a facility, DON'T do it without having financial and health care power of attorney. Otherwise you're stuck with all the work but no decision-making authority, and that is a NO WIN situation.
Your husband has gone above and beyond what many husband would do . He wants his life back and he deserves it
I have been taking care of my mom, not working and relying on my husband's income, for a car , gas insurance, ect.... and coming home from moms grumpy to him, for a mother that disowned me for being with him. Husband was great about he but didn't deserve my moods.
Thanks to this forum I was able to see the error of my ways.
Good luck, carringfordad. We are always here!
That is of course unless you are unhappily married and really would rather be divorced, then that is a different story.
But if you're wanting to stay married to your husband then you must do everything in your power to make sure that you're taking his thoughts/concerns into consideration before your dads.
And if you're not wanting to stay married, then be honest with your husband and tell him it's ok for him to go back home without you and to file for a divorce.
Caregiving only works when it works for ALL parties involved. And apparently this arrangement is not working for your husband, so it's time to put him first, and figure out other plans for your dad.
I wish you well in making the right decision.