My dad who lives alone and still works, had a serious complication to the flu shot several months ago and ended up in the hospital for four days. After receiving a blood transfusion, he slowly got better and was released home. I came down to care for him and after physical therapy he got back to his old self. About a month later he came down with the shingles in his arm and hand and between him having difficulty with pain and self-medicating, his health was declining swiftly. He was all but bedridden. I came again and got him through the troubles and back on his medicine correctly and determined though he is still able to do a lot he needs some basic care with meals, medication, and bathing. After months of discussions with my husband we decided to move in with my dad, (who lives in a huge house) and care for him. My siblings are on board and willing to help. Since we have moved in, my husband has progressively gotten angrier. We have been married for 20 years and he has always gotten along with my dad, but living together my husband became resentful. I do all the cleaning and cooking for both my husband and my dad and don’t mind it at all, but my husband became jealous of my dad. So, after talking my husband suggested it would be better to separate him and my dad. My dad agreed and we moved my dad into the living room and me and my husband have the den, so they do not see each other unless my husband comes into the living room to say hello to my dad. Now after 8 months, my husband says it’s still not working, and he is insisting we put dad in AL move back home. I love my dad and my husband and don’t know what to do.
It reminds me of this post. The OP has a sincere desire of how she can make this work and for that she should be admired. But while in this case the issue is not physical space, it is emotional space, etc and it simply cannot be done, three humans in one space, just like two cars and a boat cannot be garaged in a two car garage.
The friend had to decide which vehicle should not be garaged at his home.
That is of course unless you are unhappily married and really would rather be divorced, then that is a different story.
But if you're wanting to stay married to your husband then you must do everything in your power to make sure that you're taking his thoughts/concerns into consideration before your dads.
And if you're not wanting to stay married, then be honest with your husband and tell him it's ok for him to go back home without you and to file for a divorce.
Caregiving only works when it works for ALL parties involved. And apparently this arrangement is not working for your husband, so it's time to put him first, and figure out other plans for your dad.
I wish you well in making the right decision.
You already made your choice.
Now you want to MAKE your husband "more comfortable" with that choice.
He is not comfortable with it. And you can't make him be.
I am sorry I didn't know before answering that you were not asking about what you can do about your OWN choices, because you can never make them for others, and I would simply have told you to place your chips and spin the wheel.
Let your husband know that you will be fine if he cannot stay and help with the task you have chosen. Tell him you hope and pray he will be as supportive as he's able, come over with takeout dinner once a week, have a date night with you when the siblings can watch dad. Who knows, perhaps absence will make the heart warm; perhaps he will enjoy alone time.
You made your choice.
That's fine. Choices comes with consequences and I hope yours are all good.
Simply said, don't even think to make choices for others. I hope your husband is supportive of your choice, and you of his.
The husband has decided he can no longer live in this situation . OP needs to hear what her husband is saying , rather than try to force him to go on with this .
OP’s choice is whether she stays with Dad or goes back home with her husband .
I wonder why it took “ months of discussion “ to decide to move in with Dad in the first place .
Golda’s mother lived to 109 years old.
I’m guessing you and your husband (I wrote dad lol) are in your late 60s or early 70s.
So you expect your husband to give up HIS golden years so that your dad, who clearly didn’t plan for his sunset years, will have everything he ever wanted for caregiving?
You want to be 85 and still caring for your dad? You think your husband should be ok with that? I’m going to give it to you straight because I think you are in some kind of “handle it” fog and someone needs to get it through to you— your plan is NUTS.
You have zero awareness of all the reasons you are in the wrong here— there are many reason why you are wrong, not just one reason.
You want your husband to get happy with his captive situation? With all due respect, what world are you living in? You are 100% wrong.
Your husband is a fully formed adult who knows his limits and when to exit, and his timeline is now. He will most likely leave whether you stay or not and he would be right in that decision.
Instead of moving your dad into assisted living, you moved your husband into an assisted living home.
There is no housing shortage in this family.
The Dad has his home,
the husband and wife have their home.
The poster who asked if you were ‘sleeping with your Dad’ wasn’t suggesting that you WERE doing that, just making the point that it’s yet another thing you do with husbands, and that there’s a big difference in the relationships. I'm quite shocked that you seem to take this as a genuine incest allegation.
If you don’t want to change, we can only wish you luck. And also hope that DH finds himself a life that satisfies him more, without transferring his unhappiness to you and your father. It does seem a pity to break up a good marriage over this. He has tried quite hard.
I've seen too many marriages and lives ruined by this type of situation, where someone moves into an elder's home or worse, moves the elder into their own home. A wake of destruction follows, and the caregiver ends up mentally, physically, and often financially, broken. Meanwhile, the person being cared for keeps soldiering on like the Energizer Bunny or a Timex watch. 40% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for. (I'm not saying it never works out, but those stories are few and far between in current times.)
It would be one thing if your dad was on hospice and had only weeks or months left, but he could go on for years like this, and his needs are only going to increase.
Who has Dad's financial and health care Power of Attorney? Anyone? If not, your first step should be to visit a certified elder law attorney (nelf.org) and get these ducks in a row along with an advanced health care directive. You do not have to take on these roles yourself, but you and your siblings need to decide who in the family is going to be "it".
Actually it's Dad who decides who'll be "it", provided he's legally competent, but it's important to understand what all this entails before agreeing to the responsibility...because it's a BIG responsibility.
If you're considering being the lead person for Dad's caregiving, whether it's hands on yourself, hiring aids, or getting him to move to a facility, DON'T do it without having financial and health care power of attorney. Otherwise you're stuck with all the work but no decision-making authority, and that is a NO WIN situation.
The answer to that is that you return to being his spouse and not your father's caregiver, housekeeper, cleaning lady, maid, cook.
Your dad can hire caregivers.
Your dad can hire a cleaning person.
And you can cook meals and freeze them for him.
Not sure if this is an indication as to what is in your mind but I find it odd that your last line you say "I love my dad and my husband"...why did you not phrase it I love my husband and my dad? Maybe I am reading into it more than it is.