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Three weeks after moving in she is screaming at us that we are keeping her here against her will and she wants to go back to her apartment and she can take care of herself!! She even said she was going to commit suicide if we didn’t move her back!! Help

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So sorry about this .
My father in law chose his assisted living home then also wanted to leave and go back to his apartment. We told him he needs to be where there is staff to help him in case he needs help. We told him it was not safe for him to live alone anymore .
It takes time to adjust , can be 6 months or more . Limit your visits and phone calls .
Ask the facility to have a social worker , therapist or psychologist speak to her at her facility. Perhaps a geriatrician or geriatric psychiatrist could see her and prescribe a med to calm her down. I’m wondering if there is some dementia going on here as well .
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
Yes I think there is a little bit of dementia, it seems more like short term memory loss? Otherwise she is quite sharp but definitely not able to care for herself anymore, she asked for this move. I actually made her sign a note saying that she wanted to move (because she had backed out so many other times). I am not going to show it to her now though because she is out of control right now and it would just set her off again. When I do go back I will talk about other things and if she starts to rant I will leave. This forum has been so helpful! It is nice to know that I am not crazy and horrible for putting her in AL. I said that to my sister, Mom is like a toddler having a tantrum.
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I read an article called "The Anger Iceberg".

Quote: "It’s known as “the Anger Iceberg,” because it shows other emotions and feelings that may lurk below the surface. Sometimes it’s embarrassment, loneliness, depression, or fear. Other times, it’s a combination of several feelings".

Moving to a new place can be frightening & losing a home can causes grief.

Taking it out on your 'safe person' the one you trust to love you is a normal reaction. Not nice for you Pamela! 😕 See what helps..

I'm sorry you had to move Mom. It takes time to adjust. But you will be OK here.
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Daughterof1930 Jul 2023
Good observation. I watched my dad deal with many strong emotions and the base of many of them was sadness over losing abilities
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Call her bluff. Tell her if she can manage the move home on her own then she must be capable of living on her own. If she expects you to coordinate this then she is not.
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
Thank you, that is exactly what I have done. I told her if she can move herself then go for it and I have backed out. Now to try and stick to my guns for the next week, no contact!
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Yup, go no contact for her own good for a little while. Maybe 3 weeks. She needs to focus on settling in and these outbursts very well may be only for the point of making you feel bad.

Does the staff tell you things like she is settling in well, or what ?
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Way2tired Jul 2023
Good point .

Ask the staff how she’s doing .
Even after adjustment , some act miserable around family but if you ask the staff , the staff says they seem adjusted .
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Sounds like panic. Has she seen the AL Doctor yet?
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
I was wondering if I should contact the nurses at the assisted living to see if maybe they could do some sort of assessment? She just screams at me when I go in! I am a liar and horrible for reminding her of her forgetfulness. She had some visitors from her old apartment come to see her and when she told them she was miserable, they told her that she could pack up and come back to the apartment, so this is what has set her off.
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Time to back away, tell ok you figure out how to do this and take care of yourself and without your help from here on.

Don't engage her, she is trying to manipulate you, if she can move without your help and be 100% independent without your help, fine.

Don't underestimate old people, many know every trick in the book and will use it to get their way, although they can no longer take care of themselves.

You are her emotional prisoner, do something about it.

Three weeks is not enough time for her to settle in, especially if you are going there all the time. The first weeks are the hardest and visits should be kept to a bare minimum if at all.
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
I never thought that we should not visit. My sister and I have been going to see her frequently and her grandkids have been going in too. We actually had a big birthday party with the whole family at the facility(they have a beautiful kitchen,dining room area for family parties). So now it is time to back off and let everyone cool off.
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Your profile says that your mom is 94. You mentioned in a response that she is falling down.

She’s better off in her assisted living facility.

Have you spoken with the staff about how she is when you aren’t there?

It’s sad that her friends told her that she can pack up and go back home instead of encouraging her to settle in her new surroundings.

Wondering if meds would calm her down.
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Pamela9 Jul 2023
I know, I wondered about meds? I have spoken to the staff to say what was happening and that I wouldn’t be in for a few days, so they are going to keep an eye on her and I will check with them when I get home. I had to get away for my own sanity!!
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Almost can't blame mom. AL and NH is for the birds
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Daughterof1930 Jul 2023
All of anything isn’t “for the birds” I’ve actually met people living in assisted living who were glad to be there, grateful to have help with tasks that had become overwhelming. Can we all evaluate people, places, and things one at a time instead of blanket statements that aren’t true about the whole? It’s also unkind to those facing these decisions, they need support, not guilt
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I had someone once tell me they wished to die, please get someone to make it happen. I can't be here, make me die. I reported to senior staff immediately.

The very next day, same man hapoy to see his family. Said he had been in SO SCARED the day before he didn't know what he had said, but ignore it. He was angry at falling, angry at his failing health, scared of pain, scared of the future. He told me he had demanded his son move into his home to care for him. I asked if his son worked, was married, had children, his own house? Yes of course he said.. but what will I do?? He was a mess of abandonment & fear. Anxious ++, teary, expressing fear. I believe referral dor Psychologist for talk therapy & meds for anxiety were prescribed.

Some older people seem so relisient, almost immune to lifes ups & downs. But others feel deeply, almost like the full on overwhelming feelings of teenages.

Feeling SAFE is needed first. Adjustment & joing activities will hopefully come.
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Does this person suffer from dementia? Next time she threatens suicide, I'd have the AL call 911 and have her transported to the hospital for a full psychiatric evaluation. My mother spent my whole life threatening suicide over the least little thing that didn't go her way, which was just a manipulation tactic....which worsened once dementia set in.
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