After 6 weeks in the hospital, mom finally transferring to private nursing home. Should I be there on arrival?

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After 6 weeks in the hospital, mom finally transferring to private nursing home. Should I be there on arrival?

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Just not sure what is the best thing to do. Should I be there waiting for her (room is decorated a bit with some of her favourite items and hospital bed) or should I just leave her with staff to get situated on her own?

She has good days then bad days, been a long hospital haul. I’ve seen her about 7 visits, 1 hr each time. She has no will to live, this is it for her.

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Alzheimer's & Dementia Hospital Discharge Skilled Nursing Facility

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I'm assuming she's going into LTC...I would say yes to hang out there and just make sure everything gets transferred correctly and she gets as settled as possible. She won't be happy for you to leave, but don't stay the night if you are not concerned about her health or med schedule, etc. You can play it by ear the following day(s) but a lot depends on if the facility is getting her medical needs and prescriptions correct and it's important to make sure they are. I also think it's good to introduce yourself the the staff and get to know them a little so you know who to ask for if there are concerns. I wish you all the best as you help your mom through this transition!

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Thank you, your advice is much appreciated!

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I think it depends on your relationship with her and whether or not you think your presence will be a comfort for her or an additional stressor.

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We have a good relationship and I’ve been her caregiver for 5 years but ... that makes me the bad guy usually! As you all know.

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I wasn’t aware that visitors were allowed in long term care facilities right now due to covid-19 restrictions. I’d discuss the risks for her, you, the staff and the other residents.

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Good point that I keep forgetting! Yes, Zuzu needs to ask if her staying a while will even be possible.

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If the facility is permitting visitors (most are not) and if your presence there would comfort her then help her settle in. But I doubt that you will be allowed in and I am sure your mom will be put in quarantine for a while.

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I will say with first hand information since with my personal experience because my wife of 53 of marriage lost her life due to the virus on May 20th. she was dehydrated, malnourished caused by assisted living not be able to take care of her The decision to put her there was a very bad one which I regret. I did.

Andrew Cuomo the governor of NYS with immunity form prosecution,   allowed hospitals with positive cases to be sent to nursing homes and assisted living facility with hardly any PPE and no testing facility and staff leaving , infecting my wife and over 40,000 poor seniors with the terrible virus. He had the navy medical ship comfort and the javits center and a huge center in NJ. He not use then only to send the patient to their death He made sure his mother was taken out of the assisted living home before he sent the order out to move these hospital patients to nursing families and assisted living..

I want ever family  to know how unprepared these faculties,were and the way NYS governor took my wife life away and  the terrible way she passed away.   I am on a mission to have Cuomo be pay for his  maleficent action causing the death of our loved. by his actions. I I could would like to know what went through his mind when he did this.

Anyone family has gone what I experienced you must speak out for your loved one whom have died from getting the virus. please call or e-mail you elected officials for the sake of people that were lost because of what he did   Please answer this posting

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Zuzu, just based on my own personal experience I would say yes, be there to welcome her. Reason being my mom was transferred from one nursing home to another. The first one she was in we took her there from her home and settled her in. It went beautifully. But when they closed that place and she was transferred to the second one I was not there and heard from the staff that she was very confused and upset. Apparently she was wandering the halls saying my daughter won't be able to find me. I was so sad to hear this. Even now after her death five years ago I still think of this and it upsets me.

So, I would try to be there. I know there are those who say loved ones settle in better when you aren't there and you should leave them for two weeks. I strongly disagree with that but like I said I'm basing my answer on my own experience.

Good luck to you and your mom!

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Gershun,
Very good advice. Your post shows a lot of empathy and kindness. It was a good read.

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Let me add, if they will let you be there and there is no quarantine in place.

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Yes, she needs a familiar face no matter your relationship. Its like a toddler and their first day of daycare. You stay for a while and then as soon as they pick up that toy and start playing, you sneak out. I may even visit a little each day, especially in your position. But not so much your in the way of the staff being able to do their jobs. Mornings in my opinion are not good. Getting residents up and dressed, down for breakfast, med passes, therapy. I always went in the afternoons.

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Great advice , JoAnn.

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I'd be concerned if the place was just allowing free entry into the facility without some requirements, like a covid test, temperature check, full PPE, etc. If all the other residents had family members come in, that could be a risk to your mother. Usually, places are allowing visitors only in end of life situations.

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I will say with first hand information since with my personal experience because my wife of 53 of marriage lost her life due to the virus on May 20th. she was dehydrated, malnourished caused by assisted living not be able to take care of her The decision to put her there was a very bad one which I regret. I did.

Andrew Cuomo the governor of NYS with immunity form prosecution,   allowed hospitals with positive cases to be sent to nursing homes and assisted living facility with hardly any PPE and no testing facility and staff leaving , infecting my wife and over 40,000 poor seniors with the terrible virus. He had the navy medical ship comfort and the javits center and a huge center in NJ. He not use then only to send the patient to their death He made sure his mother was taken out of the assisted living home before he sent the order out to move these hospital patients to nursing families and assisted living..

I want ever family  to know how unprepared these faculties,were and the way NYS governor took my wife life away and  the terrible way she passed away.   I am on a mission to have Cuomo be pay for his  maleficent action causing the death of our loved. by his actions. I I could would like to know what went through his mind when he did this.

Anyone family has gone what I experienced you must speak out for your loved one whom have died from getting the virus. please call or e-mail you elected officials for the sake of people that were lost because of what he did   Please answer this posting

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JoAnn has excellent advice. It is difficult enough for your mom going into a new environment. She will need support from her family. I would definitely be in her room when she arrives at the NH.
My cousin dropped her mother at the nursing home and told her she will be back to pick her up. She did not go back for a week. Her mother was so upset, both did not speak kindly to each other for a few years. The relationship got somewhat better, but never the same. She died a few years later. Call the director and ask if it would be ok and safe for you to be there, she should give you instructions. Give her as much support as possible. This will be a huge adjustment for all, especially your mother. Hope your mother adjusts quickly and gets her will to live back. My thoughts and prayers are with both of you.

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Hi Zuzu, Check on the Covid rules there and then, You be there with all the support you can give. If this is it, truly it, do all you can dear because you cannot go back. The most amazing days I ever had with my mom were the 3 years before she past. I was lucky as she was still mentally intack, for the most part up, until the end. She had dementia. She knew it. And it was a ride for sure. But honey you be there as much as you can as you are her familiar, even if it might not seem so in every moment. My mom lost her will to live because she did not feel useful. I made things up. One of the things was having her sort old Christmas cards by person. Now I really did not need this done, and yet... And she sure did and it lent to much joy and memory for her and me too. Good talks. And of course there were the frustrating moments when she could not quite remember who that was and I tried to fill in, but heh, I didn't remember either! Also I got staff to let her help fold hand towels and washcloths. It was a miracle. She was interacting and they loved her and her stories. I only wish I had thought of it sooner. And some days I would find her just sitting there with her head down. Looking back I know she was scared and lonely in those moments and just tired of the whole thing. I miss her more than I can say every day. You be there all you can be. She needs you. (from a former part time "bad gal" much loved caretaker too!)

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Thanks for writing this barbaralou! Our experiences are very similar. I am taking things day by day, she has no will to live but ... every so often she brightens up.

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Thanks to all who messaged me here! The move went well but mom was sedated and didn’t even know I was there. Glad I went anyway. She’s settled in and getting to know the staff. Fingers crossed she gets stronger.
I visited the next day, bad day for her though. Staff told me today that she is making them laugh, some tears still.
By the way, I’m in Canada (Nova Scotia) and many covid restrictions are easing up. Masks and PPE were used to decorate her room. Now I await visitation appointments.

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Chances are you will not be allowed to visit due to CoVID-19. Visitors (and infected staff) are the main reason why there are outbreaks in nursing homes and the patients end up back in the hospital. Chances are she's bedridden if she been in the hospital that long, which makes her high risk for skin breakdown (bed sores), blood clots, and pneumonia. Hospitals have a "no fall" policy so they try to keep patients in bed as much as possible, so they end up bedridden. Hospitals are danger because they tend to catch hospital-acquired infections.

It's going to be hard on her even if you are there because she will want to go home. You will not be able to check her skin for bedsore (happens all the time in nursing homes), bruises, and so on. The bad thing about no visitors--the patients are at the nursing home's mercy.

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It's the time of COVID-19. No one can visit. No one. If facility is letting in visitors, I'd reconsider the facility.
If you could visit, I'd visit.

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I will say with first hand information since with my personal experience because my wife of 53 of marriage lost her life due to the virus on May 20th. she was dehydrated, malnourished caused by assisted living not be able to take care of her The decision to put her there was a very bad one which I regret. I did.

Andrew Cuomo the governor of NYS with immunity form prosecution,   allowed hospitals with positive cases to be sent to nursing homes and assisted living facility with hardly any PPE and no testing facility and staff leaving , infecting my wife and over 40,000 poor seniors with the terrible virus. He had the navy medical ship comfort and the javits center and a huge center in NJ. He not use then only to send the patient to their death He made sure his mother was taken out of the assisted living home before he sent the order out to move these hospital patients to nursing families and assisted living..

I want ever family  to know how unprepared these faculties,were and the way NYS governor took my wife life away and  the terrible way she passed away.   I am on a mission to have Cuomo be pay for his  maleficent action causing the death of our loved. by his actions. I I could would like to know what went through his mind when he did this.

Anyone family has gone what I experienced you must speak out for your loved one whom have died from getting the virus. please call or e-mail you elected officials for the sake of people that were lost because of what he did   Please answer this posting

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You are not the bad guy. Going to care is not defeat . It's the next stage. Think how hard the last 5 years were (24/7 with diminishing person). They were not easy. The next period will not be easier. She will need more supervision. That's more energy than most of us have. You did your best. And that's good. That's all that is expected.

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I will say with first hand information since with my personal experience because my wife of 53 of marriage lost her life due to the virus on May 20th. she was dehydrated, malnourished caused by assisted living not be able to take care of her The decision to put her there was a very bad one which I regret. I did.

Andrew Cuomo the governor of NYS with immunity form prosecution,   allowed hospitals with positive cases to be sent to nursing homes and assisted living facility with hardly any PPE and no testing facility and staff leaving , infecting my wife and over 40,000 poor seniors with the terrible virus. He had the navy medical ship comfort and the javits center and a huge center in NJ. He not use then only to send the patient to their death He made sure his mother was taken out of the assisted living home before he sent the order out to move these hospital patients to nursing families and assisted living..

I want ever family  to know how unprepared these faculties,were and the way NYS governor took my wife life away and  the terrible way she passed away.   I am on a mission to have Cuomo be pay for his  maleficent action causing the death of our loved. by his actions. I I could would like to know what went through his mind when he did this.

Anyone family has gone what I experienced you must speak out for your loved one whom have died from getting the virus. please call or e-mail you elected officials for the sake of people that were lost because of what he did   Please answer this posting

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I will say with first hand information since with my personal experience because my wife of 53 of marriage lost her life due to the virus on May 20th. she was dehydrated, malnourished caused by assisted living not be able to take care of her The decision to put her there was a very bad one which I regret. I did.

Andrew Cuomo the governor of NYS with immunity form prosecution,   allowed hospitals with positive cases to be sent to nursing homes and assisted living facility with hardly any PPE and no testing facility and staff leaving , infecting my wife and over 40,000 poor seniors with the terrible virus. He had the navy medical ship comfort and the javits center and a huge center in NJ. He not use then only to send the patient to their death He made sure his mother was taken out of the assisted living home before he sent the order out to move these hospital patients to nursing families and assisted living..

I want ever family  to know how unprepared these faculties,were and the way NYS governor took my wife life away and  the terrible way she passed away.   I am on a mission to have Cuomo be pay for his  maleficent action causing the death of our loved. by his actions. I I could would like to know what went through his mind when he did this.

Anyone family has gone what I experienced you must speak out for your loved one whom have died from getting the virus. please call or e-mail you elected officials for the sake of people that were lost because of what he did   Please answer this posting

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For me would be a yes to be there. When my sister was placed last year (before covid) in a nursing home after the hospital stay-I visited frequently at the hospital. The day of the transfer, I did not meet my sister. Sis was hospitalized for being combative-I was afraid if she saw me on transfer that she would get angry that I had caused the problems intentionally or something like that. Sis has LBD.

Now sis in a better place-moved in the early weeks of covid-i could drop her off that was it. She has declined more from the move and loneliness due to I can not be in the room with her-just window visits. Thankfully, after nearly 5 months, her community is gradually opening for family visits-this week I can sit with her outside with a mask etc. I am so thankful have been wanting and waiting to be with my sister. I know she has felt alone, abandoned unloved during this time-she can not understand covid and the limitations that have been imposed. I hope now we can reconnect finally.

I have seen families bring their person to the current community-stand on the sidewalk as person is unloaded from an ambulance-it was sad to see this-i could feel their pain of not being together with their family member. it was all they were allowed to do at the time. I understand that you and your mother are in a different place emotionally and physically-if it was me I would try to be there for my person to the best of my ability-under trying times and circumstances.

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There are no visitors in my state so when they transfer dad from skilled nursing to memory care on Tuesday, I will not be there. My husband and I took all of his things over on Friday and met the care people outside and they took everything in and set up his room (I would have liked to have done that myself but I couldn't. I made sure everything was in bags/boxes and labeled properly for them.) You probably won't be allowed in.

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I will say with first hand information since with my personal experience because my wife of 53 of marriage lost her life due to the virus on May 20th. she was dehydrated, malnourished caused by assisted living not be able to take care of her The decision to put her there was a very bad one which I regret. I did.

Andrew Cuomo the governor of NYS with immunity form prosecution,   allowed hospitals with positive cases to be sent to nursing homes and assisted living facility with hardly any PPE and no testing facility and staff leaving , infecting my wife and over 40,000 poor seniors with the terrible virus. He had the navy medical ship comfort and the javits center and a huge center in NJ. He not use then only to send the patient to their death He made sure his mother was taken out of the assisted living home before he sent the order out to move these hospital patients to nursing families and assisted living..

I want ever family  to know how unprepared these faculties,were and the way NYS governor took my wife life away and  the terrible way she passed away.   I am on a mission to have Cuomo be pay for his  maleficent action causing the death of our loved. by his actions. I I could would like to know what went through his mind when he did this.

Anyone family has gone what I experienced you must speak out for your loved one whom have died from getting the virus. please call or e-mail you elected officials for the sake of people that were lost because of what he did   Please answer this posting

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Transferring from hospital to rehab or skilled nursing is often a poorly managed process with little communication or co-operation about what the new patient needs.

My own experience moving from hospital to rehab left me in a transfer chair in an empty room (no bed) for many hours without needed medication and without permission or assistance to use the bathroom b/c the facility "had not received instructions" yet. I was told I might get medication or bathroom assistance the next day. I was outraged and desperate.

i did not have dementia or confusion. I could advocate for myself but my requests were ignored. I would have loved to have had someone there who would raise a fuss until the situation was resolved.

If you are allowed to be there as an advocate to be sure care and medications are in order, by all means be there. During COVID you may not have that opportunity.

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sorry to hear of your experience. there are good places (and situations) and bad ones aren't they. I hope all is well with you now!

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Check with the facility and see if they will allow you to visit. They may not let you and mom may need to complete a 2 week quarantine for COVID-19. If your mom is pretty compliant and the facility will allow, your being there will ease her transition. Be aware that your mom will probably ask you to take her home and be anxious.

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yes, she always wants to 'go home' ... I've been reading that this is very typical. She'll never feel 'home' ... until she goes up to the big house. And that's what she wants. :/

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My mother's nursing home will not allow anyone in right now.

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Absolutely. It will ease her mind. However, be prepared that she’ll want to go “home”. Is it a permanent or just while rehabbing? You need to be there to make sure she has what she needs. Think of it as if you were going into a nursing home/rehab unit after a long hospitalization: Would you want your own blanket, pillow, flowers? My mom was terrified about having to go into a rehab after having a terrible stroke. It took a while that first night she arrived to calm her down. In our case it was a six week stay, but my mom was convinced she would be abandoned there. That first night we were finally able to identify one care giving assistant there she felt safe with, who reassured her everything would be ok and that he would be there to help her with whatever she needed. After we found that person she felt “safe” with her 1st night went relatively smoother. Put yourself in her position and try to give her as much comfort and reassurance you can. There are caregiving support groups that can help you navigate a lot of these kinds of things. Its a new world for both of you. Try to find one nearby you can go to.

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Thank you for your advice and kind words! I agree that it takes just 1 caregiver to make things right. What a world they live in, what a difference they can make if things 'click' with an elderly person.
Hope all is well with you. Take care.

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I found it eased my mom's anxiety if I was there with her. And I stay until it was finished. If your schedule allows, I found it helpful. Best to you.

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Definitely be there on intake to nursing home. No question about that.

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Yes I would. When my FIL was moved from hospital to nursin home he was really in no condition to be moved. He was barley coherent and he was on a feeding tube. We to,d the discharge planner that we did not think he should be moved and we were actually out looking at facilities trying to make a choice. Needless to say they moved him anyway.

We decided to follow ambulance to nursing home. They were just a few minutes ahead of us. When we walked into the room he had gone into cardiac arrest because he choked on food from his feeding tube because the paramedics did not keep him elevated. The CNA said they don't perform CPR and do we think they should call 911. HELLO are they really that stupid.

There we go back to the hospital that he should never have been discharged from in the firstplace. He did not survive much longer after this.

Yes I would be there.

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Oh my heart goes out to you, what an experience. Yes, they don't always make the right choices.
I try to tell myself that everything happens for a reason ... my mom's situation was not the fault of, but very exasperated by, the lockdown of her AL facility. She was extremely dehydrated and hadn't been eating enough - had a fall, ended up delirious and incoherent. She's bounced back a little but ... so many bad decisions have been made (by her and others, and probably by me too) ... what can you do??

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If there is any way to be with your mother then the answer is yes. COVID-19 has prevented all of us from being able to visit those we love. If your mother is now in the nursing home and her room is on the ground floor, then you can 'visit' her through her window. Do anything to let her know you're there for her. If she has a phone call her often. Send her cards with chosen words expressing your love for her. Remember, she's alone with no family for much needed support. Return the love that she has given you since the day you were born.

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Thanks for the great advice. Visits to long term care, here in Nova Scotia Canada, are opening up for appointments next week (July 22). I will visit as often as I can!

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I have often heard from the people who staff these facilities to give the residents a few days to get "adjusted" and then visit. Of course, each case is different and I don't know the personalities. If they are very ill and dying, then I would say go with them at once - otherwise, wait a few days.

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Zuzu114: I did see your update 23 hours ago. It looks like everything went okay and I'm glad that your mom made staff members smile.

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It's (finally) been a good couple of days! Thanks for your kind words.

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I would call the Nursing Director at the N.H. & ask her about admission procedure regarding the family being there or bringing items from home. They will need to speak with you to get needed info about your mom. Give them as much info as needed for them to know about her likes/dislikes such as about bathing, dressing, bathroom habits, food, hobbies, taking her meds, etc. Mom may need to be seen by a doctor & evaluated for depression. If you are able, take some of her favorite photos, personal toiletries, etc. to help lessen confusion when in a different environment. If she's able to use a tablet or cellphone make sure she has one so you can communicate with her if you are not allowed to visit.

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I AM one of these "old folks" you are all talking about. Fortunately, I have my brain. Just some body parts that don't work like they used to. I am in an assisted living place from Hell because I moved in on my own volition with my husband who was diagnosed with dementia. For legal reasons I can't discuss here, I am now by myself along with the other residents in about 48 rooms. I can tell you that even in upscale facilities that seem like the Ritz when you look at the beautiful architecture and grounds, they are nothing like what you think. Yes, "Mom" is lonely. Yes, she is depressed. Yes, she wants family to be with her, and yes, she wants to go home. We all would like to stay in our homes with our families until we die. And for those that are super wealthy, that's what they get to do. For the rest of us, we have these hell holes we exist in that are the invention of a bunch of guys who got together and decided they could make a lot of money off these places and even attract investors. Whether you are talking about an assisted living facility or a nursing home, they all have the same problems that prevent decent care. They are short staffed because they don't pay their employees enough to live on. Would you clean up BM and vomit for $11.00 and hour or less? I have seen it all. Food you wouldn't give to your dog, verbal abuse, physical abuse, a paucity of activities (and no by God I don't want to play a stupid game like Bingo or listen to off key entertainers who sing like a dying cow). Medicines that are not given or given incorrectly, no privacy since they just come barging in your door at all hours without knocking, even if you're on the toilet, incompetent CNA's (you only have to have 85 hours to get your certificate), equally incompetent LPN's who think they are God and are making decisions about your life, directors who don't even have a college education. All this and more. And families have no clue. And they won't until we have some legislation that makes these places change. My best advice--get a camera and put it in your loved one's room to catch at least some of what they are doing. If you have the money to get Mom out, GET HER OUT! If you don't, go to that place so much they think you are a resident.Report to the director, then to the DCH, then to the state health department, then to the governor. Document as much as you can. Take pictures and videos when you can. Record conversations. And when you finally understand how bad it is and can prove it, get a lawyer. I am so sorry that all of you families are agonizing about what to do with Mom or Dad, or whomever. But you are not in nearly as much agony as we are who have to stay in these places. I would rather shoot myself than rot in a facility when I get to the point where I don't have the mental capacity to tell anyone how I am being treated. I hope you all can find a plan you can live with. Thank God I have wonderful children who are supportive. If your "shelter in place" order allows you to take your loved one to the doctor, take him/her to get something decent to eat.

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After 6 weeks in the hospital, mom finally transferring to private nursing home. Should I be there on arrival?

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