Two years ago after a gut-wrenching breakup with a total JERK who basically criticized my caregiving (after pretending to be helpful in the beginning), I decided to give up on dating. This wasn't my first failure at dating while caregiving as the relationship prior to that broke down considerably after I moved my Dad closer to me and started the whole caregiving process. That guy was super nice, but I was a mess. It took a toll on the relationship and we mutually decided to end the relationship.
...so there's this guy...
who has been relentlessly pursuing me for over 6 months. We've known each other casually for almost two years, but I've ignored his efforts because I don't think it's fair to share my caregiving burdens with some unsuspecting soul. He's aware from coworkers that I help out with Dad, but no one can know the full magnitude of our plight unless in it.
Anyway, I FINALLY gave in and decided to go out with him and we had SUCH a great time. He was attentive, understanding, and I haven't laughed that much in years. Of course, I gave him the spiel "I'm not in the position to date... blah, blah, blah", and he said he understood, but he wants to take me out again... and I'm TERRIFIED.
My life is about to change in a month when I have Dad at home with me essentially full time. I have a caregiver helping out 4 days a week, but I would essentially have a curfew (gotta be home before she leaves at 11 PM). Dad will be with me, so that would mean having eyes and ears around should we want to spend time together at my place...
I like the guy, but I think I should quit while I'm ahead. Besides, maybe I just liked the ATTENTION (haven't even remotely entertained anyone in two years) instead of the guy.
Why did I open this can of worms? How do I let him down easy?
just because we are Caregivers doesn’t mean we can’t have any life at all. It’s not easy to balance a social life and caregiving. But, you know what. If we really want to we can do it. We make plans and arrangements and we just do it. If you spend time with this man, you will learn whether he truly understands your life and duties. If you don’t, you’ll never know. Give it a chance. This could be something really good for you.
Years ago a coworker and I had a platonic relationship. We liked each other and enjoyed each other's company but there just wasn't anything else there. Neither of us enjoyed going to couple events alone. We had dinner together a couple of times a week; went to movies, ballgames and concerts; and were each others "dates" for company parties and weddings. We live in separate towns now but still get together every once in a while.
Enjoy
What I hear you writing is that you really enjoyed your time with this new fellow but you are committed to living your life devoted to a man (dad) who physically abused many people you love and who leaves a load of guilt on your doorstep daily. You don't think the new guy would understand why you would do this to yourself since your previous friend/jerk could not understand your lesser involvement with dad at that time.
I feel like your future caring for your dad that you describe is that of a hermit or a monk. Instead of doing this for religious devotion to God, you will be doing this in an effort to be the one person who your dad might find worthy of affection. Perhaps that is a religious devotion, as our parents are our first image of God, and you are still trying to please that first god in your life. You are not going to find that affirmation from your dad with all of his emotional and cognitive deficits.
You *will* find the affirmation you need from one of these fine young men who encourages you to have less involvement in dad's day to day life. If a man is fine with you having this super high level with involvement with dad after your cloistering begins, I would see that as being a red flag that he does not want to have a serious relationship with you where he has to have a higher level of involvement and committment in your life.
I think it would be an ***excellent*** idea to pursue a relationship with this man so that you will have support as you realize your limitations. You would also do well to find a therapist so you don't rely on the guy to help you set boundaries/ listen to you complain about the life you have chosen. I have a feeling that is what caused you to react to the "jerk" who saw that you were not taking care of yourself.
Tiny, I know these are hard words to hear. I do hope you can use them. <3
so... what if you never see him again and he was the right person and it could have worked out?
is it a fear of failing.? but if it doesn't work out deal with it later? at least you gave it a shot. maybe it is ~worth~ finding out and not having a regret later
Just be honest and tell the guy up front. If he cares he will be still be interested.
You are imposing a curfew on yourself. Granted it may be an occasional thing, but there are people willing to caretake those hours, or even a few hrs. It could be every Friday night, or occasionally. Maybe you can be home during the day and swap times with the caretaker. Or get a college kid if dad sleeps thru the night. Or a backup caretaker who is familiar with dementia if m9re care needed.
If dad is sleeping boyfriend can come over and have a quiet evening there. It is about spending time together, not what you do.
A lot of caregivers who don't have outlets other than caregiving and working, usually are at the breaking point.
Don't let that be you.
i agree with much of what Surprise said. Caring for our parents can have many layers disguised as love and loyalty but very often many of them run far deeper into more painful areas of need and longing for things like approval and validation we never received in the past. Tread carefully and consciously.
Do not limit your life and cut yourself off from socialising in any way. Your father may be coming into his final years but you most certainly are not. It is a fine balance between giving our time to caretaking and taking time out to tend to our own needs. Your life must continue in order for you to remain healthy and whole. Only then can you present your best self for and to your father. Never use caring for him as a cop-out for not living your best life. I do not know how old he is but you do. Consider how much longer he may live. Are you willing to surrender that many years of your happiness and fulfilment to caretaking? If your answer is yes, you have a problem that only you can fix. If the answer is no, you are ready for a second date.
Wishing you peace as you move forward in your life.
Yes, there are men out there that can not only handle caregiving but also be supportive.
My DH had been concerned about maybe having to take care of my parents financially - but he was really glad that he wanted to be with me more than he was worried (in his first marriage he had to help support is in-laws until they passed, and he was married until his first wife passed, 37 years.) Well, he wanted me more than he was worried and we were together 33 years before he passed a couple of months ago. He was older than my parents but survived them by 14 years for mom and 7 years for pop.
I say, see what happens - because you'd really hate yourself if you threw away a gift of the perfect match just because you are afraid. Be open and honest in your responsibilities and see what he says.
But back to you specifically. Looking at it through the vision of someone "dating" I suspect you are afraid that if you are unwilling to start a physical relationship with a guy that he may be unable to understand your feelings toward the matter as it relates to privacy with your Dad in the house, or you may not be interested anyway and he might blame that. Or any combination of the above. It is difficult enough to decide when to start a physical relationship much less have it complicated by having one's Dad not only living with you, but needing your attention at upredictable times.
It comes down to getting to know your guy and establishing a solid friendship.
Or as was also said, just have someone to hang out with for a while, and not pretend it is, or feel guilty if it is not, anything more than that. Make friends with this guy, you might have a lifetime relationship, or you might be the user, so be upfront and present your needs and expectations honestly, and don't get fooled by a user, and don't be one either.
I don’t watch tv, don’t see movies, don’t socialize and whenever I relax there’s always something I should be doing instead.
But God wouldn’t it be nice to share the load with someone? Wouldn’t it be great to have some comic relief sometime? Wouldn’t it be nice to learn how to relax again?
on the other hand, I don’t know that I could trust someone enough to believe they understand my responsibilities even if they say they do. The last thing I want is to have someone around that puts more pressure on me or demands time that I don’t have to devote to him. Is it even fair to ask for such an uneven relationship?
in the meantime you have a great start in that you have outside work and you have help already lined up. If you can enjoy yourself without any undue pressure I think that’s what you should do. It will help you keep your sense of self and he could be your knight in shining armour! Or! Maybe not...what have you got to lose??
The boundaries and lifestyle expectations you set for yourself now in the beginning phases of caregiving under the same roof will have huge impact for years to come. If you start abandoning yourself, waiting for “someday“ and shelving your most basic needs, you are going to be in worse shape than your dad at some point emotionally... also it is very hard to retroactively change boundaries when you have set them up poorly in the first place.
There is no “good time“ to start a relationship. There are only good relationships and bad relationships. Your dad could have many more years and you want to be with a spouse who embraces your commitment to helping him, rather than sees it as an impediment to a relationship. It sounds like this guy actually has potential on that front, so why on earth would you want to toss him ?????
Give it a chance. Just take things slowly at a safe place that feels comfortable. Explain your situation and use it as a way to learn how to navigate boundaries for your relationships in this new lifestyle of caregiving. Believe me, it is not going to get one iota easier as time goes on, so the more you can set your life up to preserve balance now the better. Chances are he’s not completely unfamiliar with caregiving since every family has been touched by it at some point. It’s OK to put yourself first sometimes. In fact it’s very necessary! A good father will want his daughter to date and be secure years from now. Good luck!
You have a great opportunity here to see what this guy or any that follow, is made of. You aren't duping him unless you aren't honest about your situation and if this move is happening during the get to know you phase he should be hearing about it all since it's such a big part of your life. I mean when getting to know each other you are learning about each others lives and views on things, a big part of your life is dad "I need to be home by 11pm because that's when Sally, Dad's caregiver leaves" "oh is your dad not able to be left alone" "yes unfortunately it's gotten to that point now, he can't get himself out of bed to use the bathroom...he has hallucinations at night and wanders so someone needs to be there to make sure he doesn't hurt himself or burn the house down" this guy like anyone in your life is going to get the picture pretty quick and then he can decide for himself if it's something he can live with (so to speak) or not, each step of the way. I mean maybe he wont feel like he can handle taking the relationship to the next level but really enjoys as much of your company as he can get without that so you will just spend time together before 11pm once or twice a week or month, whatever it works out to. You are getting to know about each other now don't hide who you are or the things that fill up your life and let things happen the way the will. Maybe it will turn out that he is wired for care giving too and enjoys spending time with you and Dad as well as just you, who knows. Not you until you give it a chance.
Let me be clear, you don't want to build up expectations about the relationship either, I mean don't go in with expectations about how he will react to anything negative or positive let him digest and react and you do the same. Don't think this is your last chance or anything just enjoy getting to know a new friend. But do not hermit yourself up with Dad thinking your taking care of everyone else, it's not up to you to decide for this guy (or anyone else) what is fair and what isn't, what he can or can't handle, he's an adult he can make those decisions for himself, as long as your honest and that doesn't mean painting a bleaker picture then it is either. Hehehe Enjoy!
Take a date at a time. Stop future tripping.
You've had one date and perhaps another one date.
Change the scary word DATE to getting together with a new potential friend-that is what this is at this point (okay, perhaps with benefits). Still, he is a support in your life now - when you need it. Appreciate that - and him being there for you.
I hear overwhelm and self-protection (against getting hurt).
This person could be a HUGE emotional-psychological support to you, if not much more than that -
If you are honest with him, as it sounds like you are, there are other reasons why you feel terrified, which may have nothing to do with your Dad.
Take 'the dad' out of the equation and how would be feel about dating this person?
Go out for dinner, have a drink (or not) and enjoy yourself.
You need this balance in your life and most certainly deserve to feel good about yourself, with another person who cares about you. Gena.
I am the caregiver for my elderly grandma and I live with her.
I also work and have a boyfriend! He’s very supportive and we’re engaged now. We’ve had to put off planning for our future
but he is very understanding and patient. I enjoy my life but I look forward to my future.
Your life is just as valuable as your dads. No matter how busy you get caregiving, your needs count too! Please don’t put off your happiness and pleasure. Life is too short!
You can do both if he’s the right guy!
But, in the second year we were together, my former boyfriend began to advise me about how to manage my Mom's care. This grew to be a problem for me, as it became more and more a source of irritation for him whenever I did not take his advice - which was mostly to follow what he and his family had done to handle care for his older father.
So, I know very well how anyone you are friends (or more) with can add pressure to the highly draining situation of caregiving, which you don't need. Caregiving in any degree for a parent can be tremendously draining, and when the parent is living with you, that is high-level!
You probably have no way of knowing how long you will have your Dad with you. But, even though new relationships and/or friendships can add to the pressure in your life, I urge you to think about finding more time for you and anyone you enjoy spending time with to get a break from this responsibility. Since you are being open with this commitment to your Dad's care, it is possible you can find someone who WILL be supportive and won't add pressure. If and when it seems to start feeling like added pressure, then you can discuss that and consider any changes you can make to your "curfew" or any other parts of your life that are limited now in some ways.
Good luck to you, and do not give up on adding some joy to your life! You deserve and need time for your own relationships and happiness. If someone you become involved in doesn't support you, you can move on. I did, based on getting very tired of being over-advised, rather than feeling like a disappointment for not doing exactly what my ex-friend thought I should.
I think it boils down to "is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?" I think you are afraid of the loss, which is so understandable, and obviously possible. Or is it a guy who in the end wants to have HIS needs taken care of as well? My sister was involved with one of those, and she never was caring for anyone but herself LOL.
The flip side is that this could really be a good guy...a good guy would recognize the importance of family, the need to care, and would want to do that for his own family. We good daughters have to remember there are good sons out there too. Ok, not as many...but some!
So, if you can stand to bear the potential loss, carry on...he will either demonstrate his patience or prove himself to be an a-hole, right? And in the meantime, you get a wee bit of time off for good behavior and a few laughs.
There a Fox show on last season...was it 911? I think it was renewed. Anyhow, a dispatcher whose name was Abby I believe, had a mom played by Mariette Hartley. They lived together. Had a caregiver while Abby was at work. Mom had dementia. Abby met a guy, date got ruined (hot air balloon ride no less) guy got pissed...but in the end I think there was still hopes of an on-going relationship.