My 84 yo Mom has chordoma cancer in her spine. We are dealing daily with the loss of bladder and bowel control and her gradual loss of the ability to walk. We are also dealing with the loss of control over many aspects of her life but we are muddling through. She have VNA's that come 3 days a week and home health aides come on the off days to help shower etc. She is at her own home with my aging Dad and because of the constant pain she is in, is now house bound. From looking over this site for the last few days I feel we are doing everything right as far as her care. We are a close family and I and my 2 brothers live at least 1 hour away from Mom & Dad but we all visit at least once a week on different days. My dilemma is that my Mom is SO worried about what will happen to my Dad when she is gone. To the point where when I call her every day she usually ends in tears no matter how I try to reassure her that we will take care of him. She has always had the utmost control over her life and this has been very hard for her to have to depend on others for her well being. A couple of weeks ago she tried to get my Dad to start getting rid of books, his collections and other things so that I would not have to deal with it when she is gone. My father ended up in tears. I keep talking to her and tell her that none of that stuff matters. I really want whatever time she has left to be as stress free as possible but she is making it difficult and she and my Dad are arguing more often than not. Now he is upset, she is upset and this is not how things should be! I know that I really have no control over emotions but would love to be able to put her mind at rest about these issues. She has always been a very strong woman and to see her this way is so heartbreaking.
Any advice???
Another thing is that she has been, for her whole life, devoted to God. Both she and my Dad have had their faith shaken by this whole ordeal. They can't believe that this God that they have spent their lives worshiping would have given her a disease that will strip her of all dignity and give her unbearable pain.
They do have a minister that comes to the house at least once a week and that, I think, has been a help. End of life issues are HARD!
I did ask this under DEPRESSION because it really is about that. The "stuff" is a side effect.
My son told us after 2 of our 3 cats died this year, that the one we have left should be our "last" cat so we don't have to take care of another one, and we are 56 and 65!! I did not take kindly to the idea that we are expected to close the door on part of our life just to make it easy on him, or us!! And still, I get the idea - a little downsizing now and avoidance of hoarding could make things lots easier later on. I guess it just has to be done sensitively and in good time.
Hugs, and best wishes for any chance at all to have a few more good times and good memories. My only other thought would be an implantable intrathecal pump that can deliver pain medication more locally with a lot less sedation for a better quality of life for Mom, you might research that (Medtronics) and ask her doctors if it would be a possibility.
I have had the discussion about leaving his stuff alone and she has agreed but still SO worried about HIM and what will happen to him when she is gone. She has ALWAYS believed that he would die first and is so upset that it is now he taking care of her. She has accepted her lot right now but just wants to make sure everything is in order.