Hi All,
I'm currently living at home and taking care of my mom. I have a small business that has suffered because of the amount of time I spend caring of her and her home (some years I'm lucky to break even, some years I'm at a loss). She has repeatedly told me that one day her house will be mine. She has an old house that I grew up in and love. I spent the last 5 years fixing it up after she neglected it for many years. Last summer I spent nearly every weekend on house projects. I have asked her to make a trust, add the house to it and add me as the beneficiary. I'm an only child and she has been divorced for many years. She has always made excuses and put me off. I have been on the Board of Directors of her HOA for several years. The law in our state just changed that I either need to be on title or house needs to be in the trust and trust needs to nominate me to be member of the community for me to run for the Board next year. I have made a lot of friends in the community over the years and it means a lot to me to be able to continue my civil service. I explained the situation. She again puts me off and says she doesn't want to feel "pressured." I told her no pressure and I will give up running for the Board next year. I now sincerely believe she is never going to make a trust and is just stringing me along. I have never asked for money to take care of her but I'm financially suffering. She is well off and can afford to pay me at least minimum wage. She can be manipulative and controlling. If I have no hope of inheriting the house, should I at least ask for pay? Or should I insist on a trust? Any advice is greatly appreciated :)
Frankly, I think your mother should be afforded the dignity of paying her own way.
Does your mother have cognitive issues? Is she still competent to enter into contracts?
I don't see how folks who are not independently wealthy, or have a spouse who can support them during caregiving, can afford to take time away from making a living to do full time, live-in caregiving. This should be a paid endeavor.
If your mother is still of sound mind, she has a choice. She can retain your services or find those services elsewhere. They need to be compensated in either case.
The question of payment for services through assets being placed in a trust can be problematic if Medicaid is in the offing. Make sure you consult with a competent, certified eldercare attorney who understands YOUR STATE'S Medicaid program.
She has the metal ability to enter into contracts.
She likes to guilt me into taking care of her for no pay. Repeatedly saying she's all alone because of the divorce and blaming that on me. (Definetly not my fault. I was an innocent child.)
She refuses to hire a maid or any care help because she is a hoarder and wants no one in the house.
I can't keep up this many hours of care forever. I have told her to clean up her house and she refuses. She is stubborn and arrogant.
I need to give her an ultimatum I guess. I'm just really bad with standing up to her. She walks all over me.
If there is no trust, do you know if she has a will and that you are to inherit the house?
Does "old house" mean stairs? And, like my MIL's house, steep stairs that wouldn't be up to code now? Is the house dangerous for your mother to live in?
(My MIL lives by herself, has mobility issues, and hauls herself up these steep stairs by herself. She's somewhat of a hoarder, also, and she has stuff on one side of the stairs, too -- dangerous!)
If your mother eventually needs a facility, she could run through her money and you could be left with nothing. How will you feel if that happens?
She has funds, let her pay someone to care for her and later if need be she can go into AL.
Does she have a will, do you have her Durable POA? If not, these issues be addressed first and foremost.
In the meantime, tell her that you need to be paid and that you will be looking for a job and getting your life together.
I want you to Google "Fear, Obligation and Guilt". It's what your mother is using to control you.
I want you to acquire a book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud.
I want you to find a counselor or therapist and go in for at least one chat.
Make sure you tell them that your mother blames YOU for her divorce.
I hate to break this to you, but your mother is a "user". You deserve much better treatment.
Mothers are supposed to treat us well WITHOUT our having to work at it. In your case, you are going to need to tell her some truths and tolerate her anger....which won't kill you.