I am currently raising my special needs niece. My parents live with me also. She is 12 and has the attitude of a 12 year old, at times but has the mentality of a small child. She’s sassy on a very rare occasion, a little bit slower to respond when you call her, and down right sloppy lol. What tween doesn’t do all these things though?? Growing up we walked a military straight line and a lot was expected out of us. My dad especially reminds me of this CONSTANTLY. I can not make him understand that this little child is different from how we were and that it takes her longer to respond, etc. My dad complains at me ALL the time about the tiniest thing the poor kiddo does. Anyone else experience being a sandwich?? Thoughts? Advice?
I think what you need to do is tell Dad that you will likely disappoint him in the way you will raise your niece, but that you will do it as you see fit, to the best of your ability. I would tell him that his input further complicates a somewhat difficult situation for you.
There are going to be tough times here. There is nothing that causes angst like the house divided, and tweens and teens are masters at manipulation. A bit of chaos works to their advantage. I sure do wish you good luck.
Perhaps you sit down with Dad and ask him what upsets him. Make a list, and decide which things are worth dealing with. Agree with Dad that you’ll try to enforce those, and the rest don’t get commented on. If he keeps making life unpleasant about it, obviously you can’t all live together, and from the sound of it the priority is looking after a niece who perhaps has no-one else.
It’s yet another ‘boundaries’ issue. You can’t take him complaining so frequently. It isn’t about what he did with you growing up, or whether his methods were right or wrong, it’s about whether you can all manage together NOW.
Seems to me like if it doesn't bother you under your roof, then it shouldn't bother your parents. It would be a different story if YOU lived in THEIR house.
Sorry, I'm not advocating misbehavior in a child, certainly they need to be corrected when their behavior is inappropriate. However, if this is behavior that
1) is appropriate for her age and medical condition;
2) does not put herself or anyone else in danger;
3) doesn't bother you...
then your dad needs to relax his expectations. I mean whatever happened to grandparents spoiling their grandkids behind the parents' back? The old "what happens at grandpa's stays at grandpa's" so to speak.
Not to sound harsh, but if it bothers your parents that much, they are free to seek other accommodations.
You don't have to be a sandwich. You can simply tell dad "Dad, what your complaining about isn't an issue to me, and I'm not going to turn it into one." Then change the conversation.
Do your parents understand about your child’s special needs? Explain it to them again if more clarification is needed.
I taught my children to respect their grandparents and they did. They adored my children. They had a wonderful relationship.
Occasionally my kids did get stressed if my mom commented about them coloring outside the lines. My mom is a perfectionist!
When mom moved in I had to set boundaries regarding my children. My mom’s motto is, ‘Everything has a place and everything in its place.’
I like an orderly house as well but you’re right about kids not being orderly all of the time. I had to learn to be creative in motivating my kids to tidy up their rooms.
I learned to prioritize and pick my battles. It’s not easy raising children and caring for a parent in your home. Mom has Parkinson’s disease so nothing was ever left out that she could trip on. Their rooms were another story!
At times I would simply shut the door to my daughters rooms. I got tired of hearing mom’s comments.
Well, mom caught on. She would joke about how it was easier to close the doors to their rooms rather than look at the mess.
I told mom that I was happy about their good grades and having good friends.
They took dance lessons, gymnastics, sports, theatre, art and so on. They were busy!
They knew where everything was in the midst of the chaos. If I did try to tidy up their things and moved things around they couldn’t find anything. Hahaha
When they tidied up their rooms they were really good organizers! So I let them be.
You touched a nerve for me!
Sometimes I just had to roll with it. Eg a friend's Mum sneaking a bit of cappuccino froth onto my baby's milk...
But sometimes I had to stand firm. My little boy needed a solid routine with regular naps & snacks to suit his body clock - otherwise mega meltdowns. In-laws thought this was indulgent & waiting for mealtimes & nighttime for sleep was better.
Endless examples of how badly he behaved (when he was both tired & hungry). I explained. My DH explained. They finally gave in a tiny bit but would provide sugary treats. He'd go manic & even bit them.
So I enrolled him in childcare instead (with regular naps & snacks) until he was older. Later when Autism Spectrum diagnosed I provided books. I still have no idea if they ever really accepted it.
I know you feel. They don't understand.
When you were growing up how many times did you hear any version of these:
My house my rules
My way or the highway
If you don't like it you can leave
If you think you know better move out
If this is your house...Your rules.
If your parents do not like the way you are raising your niece they can move out.
If they can not tolerate the noise and a bit of disorganization they can move out.
Or if they need to live with you is there a way that you can make a portion of the house more of an In-Law suite so they have limited contact?
Now a bit of unsolicited commentary.
You say your niece has the mentality of a small child. How young? Very young children can be expected to pick up after themselves. They can be taught how to clean up the table after a meal, if not make the bed at least smooth the sheets and blankets, just to mention a few things. There is a sense of accomplishment and a bit of pride in what they have done and the praise they get. (If these are things that your niece can not do I apologize for over stepping, you know her limitations.)
I have a 30yr old Challenged nephew. I didn't raise him but he has lived up here for the last 12 yrs. My brother raised him and there were a lot of problems with him and my brother had 2 if his own who suffered because of my nephew. Their mothers attention had to go to him.
This is just my opinion, ur not going to change Dad. And your niece does not need to be exposed to his constant complaining about her. So for her sake, maybe its time for Mom and Dad to find a place of their own. This child needs to know she is loved. She needs patience. She does not need negativity.
I also have an RN in the family. If ur one, then u have a stressful job. Taking care of a special needs child takes patience and time. To me, you would have to be a superwoman to care for this child and the responsibility of 2 parents and do it without stressing out. For me, the child would be #1.
The bottom line is that your mom and dad should respect your family.
Something must be said to offending parents immediately. Don’t allow it to linger and fester. That never works.
I speak from experience. I made myself sick from suppressing my feelings and not setting boundaries.
I felt so conflicted in my emotions. I spent many hours in therapy. Therapy definitely helped me find my backbone and restore balance in my life.
Mom got over a ‘messy’ room because I started closing the door to my daughters rooms.
We had an incident in our home where my mom crossed the line big time.
My oldest daughter was mostly able to brush off my mom’s criticism but my youngest one took everything to heart and it bothered her.
I will spare you the details but my youngest struggled with anorexia due to my mom’s criticism.
I had to speak to mom about it and tell her to never tell my children what to eat or not eat.
Neither of my girls were overweight. They were extremely active and thin. Yet my mom didn’t want them to enjoy an occasional treat.
My mom can be ridiculous! She’s an extreme perfectionist that places great emphasis on appearances. Some older people go overboard with their ideas.
Best wishes to you and your family.
- if I want her input, I'll ask
- just because she sees something doesn't give her license to say something
- she had her chance to raise me without interference and now it's my turn
This last truth usually stops her cold.
My grandma was one of the most sincere, sweetest souls I have ever known in my life. I adored my grandparents.
My mom is the opposite. I can't raise my voice or ask my son to do something without her coming unglued. She was strict as hell when I was a kid, now she acts like I'm a taskmaster for asking my son to dump the trash. It's obnoxious and at times makes me go from fine to enraged very quickly. The main thing is I am teaching my son how to exist: that's my job. My two older sons are great and are wonderful citizens who are productive, self-sufficient, etc. Because I taught them how to do things. Now she second guesses my parenting and my 13 yo hears her talk about how he shouldn't have to help.
Makes me nuts. I'm ignoring it for now. But it's truly hard.
I am a sandwich generation and my kids were raised in mother /daughter home .
i am not clear on the details of who was there first . perhaps you can help educate them by getting them involved with an agency that assist people with disabilities as well as reminding them you are the parent which makes the rules . They are the grandparents .
good luck
I'm still working on that at 63 years old.
Kids deserve a decent childhood because life is hard enough as it is, never mind having special needs thrown into the mix.
Having your parents living with you is not the ONLY option available for them. Look into others; they do exist.
Good luck
Years ago some people would live with their parents in order to save money so they could buy a house.
My sweet MIL did that. She and my father in law lived in an apartment that was attached to her parents home. Her mom drove her crazy! Her mom interfered in every aspect of her life.
I totally agree about multi generational living. Her mom wasn’t even a senior yet and it didn’t work. She told my FIL. “We are moving! I don’t care if we have to buy a smaller house. I have to get away from my mother!”
It didn’t work out in my situation either. More often than not it doesn’t work out well in the long run.