91 year old aunt keeps overflowing her bathtub. She refuses to change her routine and is resisting having someone come in to help.
My aunt, 91 is my mother’s twin sister and lives alone in her house with some assistance for shopping and cleaning. She is fiercely independent, walks everywhere, manages her finances and refuses to consider assisted living or downsizing. I am her closest family relative and I live 2 hours away in another state. This year she is struggling with short term memory problems and was diagnosed by a neurologist with MCI. He recommended an aide but she doesn’t want anyone she doesn’t already know. She has long term care insurance but they say she is not eligible to start using it yet (must have a diagnosis of dementia or need assistance with 2 out of 6 ADL’s). The biggest problem she is having (there are others but this is the one I have been dealing with most recently) is that she keeps overflowing her bathtub. She refuses to take showers in spite of all the reasons why it is safer, better, etc. she just refuses to change her habits. It seems so simple to just stay in the bathroom while the water is on, yet she can’t seem to do that. She turns it on and then leaves to feed the cat, make the bed, get the paper, make coffee, Next thing you know the tub is overflowing. We have tried timers. She doesn’t hear them ( hearing aides are not in her ears and that’s another story). A timer worn around her neck? She forgets to put it on. We have even tried a portable bathtub inside the bathtub ( the idea was it could overflow but the tub drain would still be open). This didn’t work because the portable tub is too difficult and unsafe for her to get in and out of without help. Someone suggested a faucet with a sensor the automatically shuts off but that would require opening up the entire bathtub wall to change the plumbing and would be a major bathroom renovation. The obvious solution is shower, aide, supervision. How do I get her to agree to make some changes? I am ready to disable the tub drain so she can’t close it! She has completely ruined the ceiling in her family room and I am now starting to notice a mildew smell. Any ideas would be welcome!
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I am not one who thinks these smaller things mean everything in someone's life must change. I know physical and cognitive decline is inevitable (I'm a cognitive neuroscientist). But, so many things can be solved with technology or old fashioned thinking outside the box.
When you do bring someone into her home, consider the way she would have invited someone in. How would she have welcomed someone or hosted a friend. Do those small rituals - tidy up, have refreshments, plan to sit and talk. Give her the opportunity to know someone who will be in her home when you are not there - especially someone charged with monitoring her bathing. Sometimes, we get so busy we forget to slow down and include those we are caring for in their care needs.
I wish you peace in your journey.
The problem I see is that now you're slapping a bandage on multiple problems. Fix the bathtub, something else will come up that you didn't expect or anticipate.
IMHO, it's more that once you see something like this happening you have to accept that it's time to look for help and/or to start thinking about what you and your family are going to do when things get worse. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but things will get worse, there is no 'recovery' from memory issues.
is she doing other self harm?
This is mean....but I'm going to assume there's more than one bathroom. What if you put a locking handset on the bathroom with the bathtub/shower...and she can only access it when an aide or someone is in the house. They don't have to stay with her...but they can be on guard.
ANd if anyone by chance knows how to deal with my mother constantly turning on the bathroom exhaust fan, please let me know. They are in windowless bathrooms and I tried to get a timer switch installed, but the house/wiring is too old without a major re do.
PS...tubs should never overflow even without such a sensor due to the overflow drain; unless it is too small (or the water pressure too high). You can modify either of those too.
btw, she might do the same thing with shower.
Except, she was filling a huge, deep jetted tub. It takes about 1/2 hr to fill to the point she'd like.
It didn't overflow, it made the water heater empty too fast and then there would be condensation on the WH and it would run down the sides and eventually put the pilot light out.
A real bizarre mess. Every week Dh was getting frantic calls that her WH was broken. It took him about a year to figure out what she was doing--as she was so embarrassed!! She'd let that water run for a full day or more before she remembered she'd started the tub filling up.
Once DH ascertained her 'problem' he read her the riot act. She's just LUCKY it didn't flood and ruin the floors. Of course, she has carpeted bathrooms. (Gross, so gross)...
He tried everything he could think of--the obvious answer being to stay in the room, but she wouldn't. She also cannot hear, so the noise of the running water was not a factor.
I think finally she was so upset by the incredible COST of all that wasted water (we live in a desert!) she quit taking baths in that tub. She had a 2nd bath, a regular sized tub and she uses that now, exclusively. She refused to modify the tub to be also a shower because she thinks showers are low-class ??? so she tub baths and always has. DH installed grab bars for her, so, while it's not as safe as a shower, it's ok.
DH was beside himself trying to come up with ways to keep her from running the big tub for hours and hours--he did make the drain unusable, but she just stuffed a towel down there and continued her ways. I think it was when he got mad at her for wasting his time that she 'got it'. He told her he wouldn't turn her water heater back on and she could figure it out on her own that she gave in.
I went once to relight her pilot light and she practically had a stroke--women shouldn't be doing men's jobs!! That probably also figured in to the equation too.
She would no more take a bath when ANYONE was in her house than fly to the moon. Incredibly private and such a worrier--she won't even bathe when DD is there.
The mold issue you mentioned is truly dangerous--and the floor can also become so weakened by water damage, it can fall through to the floor below. (Anybody remember the movie "Money Pit"?) As funny as that bathtub scene was, it was also kind of a scary warning.
Maybe you could get someone to install some sort of nut/washer to the water handles so they cannot be opened full blast. If it filled more slowly, the overflow drain would probably be able to handle it before it spills on to the floor.
She already has someone coming in for cleaning. Bath time needs to be when that person is there - and she is already familiar with that person. Get that person to come every day or bath day to help keep aunt on track. Bath is preferred over shower for many older folks because you get cold in the shower. Plus private parts are going to get a better soaking.
I think what you can do really depends on your relationship with her and whether or not you are able to sit with her and have "the talk". Someone eventually needs to ask her about her hopes, fears and plans and I would approach it as brainstorming together how to best help her achieve them, this should also be a prelude to end of life planning and powers of attorney. In this instance spending the money to open up walls and add drains or swap out the tub for a shower unit (probably the wisest choice for the long term) should be presented as an investment in her ability to remain as independent as possible.
I only see two solutions: (1) do the expense of changing the plumbing to have a shutoff sensor or (2) completely rip out the bathtub and replace it with a non-slip shower base so that she cannot take a bath. (We did #2, BTW, and my husband is 70 and I am 67 - as we are thinking ahead!)
If you are her nearest living relative, you really should consider obtaining a DPOA for her.
Unsupervised baths are unsafe for seniors her age, as if they should feel faint or dizzy, they will slip underneath the water and drown.
Best of luck, hope this helped.
1. Shower / bath aid
2. you will disable the tub closure so her only option is a shower. Or submit to the renovation for the timer at her expense.
3. Assisted Living.
Doing a timer at this point even if it would mean a renovation might be an option since the ceiling, possibly the floor of the bathroom would need repairs. You have to check for any mold as well and the longer that goes unchecked the worse it can be.
Dont Explain Yourself They Dont Understand Just Do It
Include your Aunt in resolving the issue, consider her preferences and offer her choices.
But if she herself is annoyed about what happened, that's good and you're at least at the right starting point. Okay, auntie, how can we make sure you can continue to enjoy your baths without this trouble?
of iceberg and you will find more issues as you prove. I don’t think you said if you are POA but if you are not, hopefully you can get her to sign that too. Managing her is not going to get easier going forward.
The real truth is that your aunt is no longer safe living by herself. An overflowing bathtub is not maybe going to lead to an accident, it IS going to lead to an accident, and it's just a matter of time until 'something happens'. You and everyone else in your aunt's life can keep pretending that that's not happening, but it is. It is happening.
When our elderly parents' memory starts to go, we realize that all these things we take for granted are actually dangerous. They can start fires on stoves or in microwaves; have accidents when they continue to drive; forget to take medication or forget any of the other many things we just do, automatically. When brains starts to change, these automatic behaviors go awry, and this is only one thing that happens when the brain changes.
If you spend some time on AgingCare.com you'll see that one of the themes is how do we help our elderly family members transition from being autonomous adults to being adults who accept the fact that they need help. Some people are better at accepting this than others and some of our family members are stubborn, angry, proud and do not want to give up their autonomy.
If we don't intercede at these junctions when we see a huge red flag such as overflowing bathtubs, well, that's a huge ticking time bomb. Don't ignore it. Face it, help them face it with dignity.
Your aunt is no longer able to learn new behaviors, most likely, and simple things such as remembering to set a timer or turn off a bathtub are not something you can in any way expect her to do.
As you can see this is going to be really difficult, but it's better to do something now than wait for a tragic accident to occur. Take action now.
I think that a even BIGGER problem is developing --MOLD-- in the subfloor of the bathroom and the ceiling of the family room. Mold can be deadly and harmful to a person's health. You need to get someone to inspect the tub and the bathroom floor and family room ceiling for mold ASAP. If there is mold, then you need to do whatever needs to be done to get rid of that mold--even if it means remodeling the bathroom!!!