Due to being targeted by my NPD mother for harassment and arrest, I stopped contact three years ago. My other family members took over taking her to the doctor, getting her groceries, etc. Just before this last Christmas I was visited by a police officer who informed me my elderly mother was calling the police and seeing things that are not there. She was irate the police did not believe her and now believes they are corrupt and a danger to her. Before this, her doctor suggested she go see a therapist, so she was insulted and fired him. Just before New Years my aunt informed me that my mom was talking about killing someone, had gotten ammunition was sleeping in her vehicle with a butcher knife to catch thieves and was a danger to herself or others. We took out an IVC and had her taken by police to a hospital. The doctors put her on a med, but seemed to all disagree about her diagnosis. They sadly all listened to one psychiatrist who said mom had normal old people dementia and could be cared for at home easily, just redirect her. She was sent home and immediately began speaking about hurting people and began walking around with knives. We had to seek another IVC and this time thankfully a psychiatrist saw how bad off she really was. I went with relatives to the hospital and transported her to a care home for dementia. Mom is incredibly scared, thinks the cops are going to bribe the staff to let them kill her and that the facility is bugged to record her. She said they wired into her brain a device that plays sounds and she can hear them taunting her at night and trying to get into the facility. She also hears her mother (dead for about 30 years) yelling at her to shut up and a child crying. Her delusions are very intricate and she doesn't forget the details. Today she realized for the first time I don't believe her. Rather than question her own senses, she informed me I need to grow up as I don't know how the world works and they are going to torture her to death. She is angry, weepy and very rude to staff and insists they are lying to her, are being rude and not treating her as she should be treated. At the second hospital they changed her meds to a bi-polar med from a Schizophrenia med the first hospital had her on, but she is still in bad shape. She said all the psychiatrists told her she is sane so it is obviously reality not delusions. She tells me each visit she is not delusional and these things are happening. She said since I don't believe her or just am incapable of helping she will need to find someone else to help her escape, run from the bad guys. She said no matter where she goes they will find and kill her because she has been telling people about her enemies who are in league with the cops. She believes they have magical powers, watch her every move, have a vendetta against her and contact her through a device they implanted in her head or through phones, TVs, etc. I do not know if she needs to see a psychiatrist, a therapist, switch meds, etc. Currently she is not in therapy. She refuses to go back to the hospital as she says they were trying to steal her life by wiring the bed to sap her life out of her. I hate to see her miserable and scared and I fear she will continue to spiral, but she refuses to listen to family or anyone else. I visit her twice a week, am cleaning out her house to sell it for her, am trying to organize all her finances, and I'm at a loss as what else to do. Her memory is solid. She can tell you what happened this morning or six years ago. She started a conversation with me last Monday and each time we talk she picks up from where she left off without any prompting. She does not show the signs common with dementia like forgetfulness, losing train of thought, etc. She went through a battery of tests including MRI, UTI, blood work, etc. How do you help someone like this? Is there any hope she will stabilize and the paranoia will go away?
If mom was formally diagnosed with NPD, that's a personality disorder which is classified as a mental illness. So she'd be no stranger to mental illness and now, at 83, there can be other mental health problems at play. Perhaps she needs a longer stay in a psychiatric hospital to get properly diagnosed and medicated. Finding the right meds can be a very difficult thing when brain disorders are at play. It's a lot of trial and error, unfortunately.
Best of luck to you.
I would refer you to an elder law attorney.
I would suggest also that you contact APS to open a case and to help you resign any obligations you may have undertaken as POA.
I would tell the authorities that your elder is not in your control and cannot be controlled and that you do not wish to be involved in their care and that you hope the state will take on guardianship.
You are no a medical, psychiatric or any other kind of expert in any of this, and I fear that there is nothing you can do.
Step aside and let other authorities take over guardianship in this sad case.
That leave you free to visit giving only love and support.
You asked a similar question a few days back and got 26 answers.
Have you tried a Neurologist? Have any scans been done to rule out a brain tumor?
Get a 24/7 evaluation. If she needs 24/7 care tell them you cannot care for her. You havecno POA and cannot afford guardianship. To send her home would be an unsafe discharge. She is a danger to herself and others.
Yes, she saw a neurologist and had a CAT scan and many other neuro tests. Her results have been sent to her new doctor who said it was almost like a book they sent to be read. Mom did sign the POA which is amazing to me. I'm hurrying to get as much done as possible before she changes her mind or rebels.
Maybe in the meantime you could find out about elder care facilities in your area that have locked dementia units. Even though you made it clear that this is not "normal" dementia, this may be your only option if insurance will not pay for a psychiatric hospitalization.
The problem is she may refuse to go, and you will have to go to court to have her declared incompetent. I had to do this for my grandmother, but it was fairly easy because she was so far gone, and because 20 years ago the courts tended to lean in favor of the families. It will be harder for you because mom will fight you, and because there is a trend against infringing on patient's rights. I wish you the best.
RE: house. If she will not give you POA with the authority within the POA to sell her home, that she own 100% in her name, your hope of selling her house, will NOT happen. She has to in person be willing to sign the paperwork. Please realize this.
I’d be most concerned that she will go AMA / against medical advice and exit herself out of the “care home” she is in currently. Depending on how the facility is being paid, they may find that to be to their advantage. So that brings up the ?… how was she admitted to this place, what type of facility is it? (a NH, a locked ward MC memory care, or a behavioral care specialty care facility) and how is her stay being paid? If there as a post hospitalization patient, that is almost always a time limited Medicare paid stay so fully expect that will run out soon and billing at the facility will be seeking for someone in the family to take on the responsibility to either sign off to have her become private pay custodial care resident OR this person does the paperwork for her to apply for LTC Medicaid IF she would meet the requirements financially which are pretty strict. Either way facility will be seeking someone in the family to assume some degree of responsibility in all this, the key for family / you is in being to be careful in assuming financial responsibility for paying for her stay as could easily be 7K - 15K per month depending on what care plan she is on.
It’s not a DIY due to her condition so an CELA level of elder law atty needed. Normally the elder pays for this. But if your mom won’t part with her $ then you will have to pay. Now if mom won’t cooperate, you cannot force her participation with whatever the attorney’s suggestions are. Attorneys can be terrific but if elder won’t listen, then a waste of time & $.
So will she be cooperative? Or is this futile and this need to be a situation where APS and state appointed guardian needed to be path to take?
So as she’s your mom and you do want to do what you can while she’s still in a care home, heres my suggestions: go thru the house and find whatever paperwork you can on her finances and ownership on the house and xerox all; ditto for her health insurance and ID, passport/birth certificate. Take snaps of all of her medications. Take photos and 360 degree type video via your phone of all the rooms of the house. The images of the house you may be able to use later to establish if she goes back and trashes it all that shows she cannot safely and securely live on her own should guardianship be needed.
Do you have any idea of outstanding debt she has? Not just household related debts…. annual property taxes, peril insurance, costs for utilities, credit cards but what copay she owes from to all her hospitalizations and other healthcare bills??? When you’re at her home look about for statements not only from those recent hospitalizations but for any that may be there since the past 3 years when you went no contact. Might be significant. You imho want to know what’s out there. I’d be concerned that there could be liens lurking that have been placed on her home as she sounds like her behavior is one who hasn’t paid her bills…. and debt collection is part of the conspiracy against her.
Sometimes individuals like this are beyond what families can deal with, that they need to become a ward of the State with a State appointed guardian that takes over all the decisions of care and disposition of property and deal with their finances. It lets you be a daughter that comes to visit your mom without the angst of decision making. The social worker at the facility should be a next to start the process on this.
https://www.ncdhhs.gov/divisions/aging-and-adult-services/adult-protective-services. The site claims if you think someone is being abused or neglected you should contact the Dept of Social Services but sounds as if you have already done that and gotten a bit of a run around (somewhat understandable as I am sure they are understaffed like everyone else) so here is what I suggest. Start at the top by seeing who is your local representative. If you visit: https://www.ncleg.gov/FindYourLegislators
You can find your legislators at the house and senate level. Get the house representatives name and number and give them a call. One of their staff will answer and take your information. Tell them that you are afraid that she is a danger to herself and based on the comments that she has made to other people. Make sure they have a phone number for you. I will be surprised if you don't have some direction within 3-4 days (after than time frame give them the benefit of the doubt and place a "reminder" call) but if that doesn't work try the same thing with your state senator (and make sure to tell them that you have already contacted the house rep). You can tell them your that you are a constituent but you don't want your Mom to know that you are requesting an evaluation. That should get you some action but Tobaccoville is kind of remote so they don't have a lot of services in that area. Will take time and probably a heck of a drive for them to get there. Also remember that your Mom is going to showtime big. She will be the most normal person on earth to anyone to comes to investigate. That's ok. She has not been determined to be incompetent but it gives you a baseline report on how she is acting. There is only so much you can do. Can't save those who are unaware that they need saving so no guilt over anything that happens thereafter.
Wishing you peace on this part of your journey. Please update us.