My MIL moved here two weeks ago, and it has been pandemonium! She has a very strong southern accent, hard to understand her often. She was recently widowed in early 2024 by husband (80).
We helped find her a house here before she moved. Cute house with a reasonable price. She stayed at our house the first 13 days waiting for movers and getting some things ready.
She is a drinker and on the third night staying in her own house, she got hammered and fell off the back steps, ended up breaking her left arm and wrist badly. instead of calling us she drove herself to the ER at 230 am. These types of injuries happen once every couple of years with her and ALWAYS after drinking.
We have two kids, full time jobs, sports etc. and barely have any extra time. She didn’t weed her stuff out before moving here and now she has a whole arm out of commission, and I will have to spend every little free moment unpacking a ton of junk since she got drunk and fell. I am feeling so resentful, I’m crying just dreading what is to come. I can already feel our marriage hitting a low point because it never ends with her and now, she is in the same town. Help me please. My husband has buried his head in the sand yet again. I feel so alone in this. He set up a tee time to golf in am and I am going there to try to put some of the junk away and listen to her complain about how many things she doesn’t like about the house. I feel so bitter.
Me, I don't like drunks. I can tolerate happy ones but not the nasty ones. I agree that your children should not be exposed to this.
I dodged the bullet when my MIL moved 15 hrs away. Of her sons, my DH was the one that did for her. Probably because he was there and if not doing anything why not do for her. When in-laws lived here she called my DH and asked if he could do something for her. Within a minute the phone rang and FIL said to stop DH because he could do what she wanted. My MIL and I had a fight 4 yrs into my marriage. DH was golfing. When she returned to my house to apologize my DH told her the problem we fought over was his fault. He stood up for me. Thats when she found out I was #1. Thats what your DH needs to do. Make Mom realize that that his family is #1. Tell him its OK to set boundaries. "Sorry Mom can't do it now Bobby hasva game."
By the way, I never loved my MIL. I got along with her and respected her because she was my DHs mother. But she lied about me and took anything I said and twisted it to make her look good. I stopped visiting their house unless my DH was with me. Visiting 1x a year was enough once they moved.
Also, I wouldn't under any circumstances allow the kids to be alone with her. She is an alcoholic. Your kids don't need to be exposed to that. You might think that it's all right, but the resultant behaviors can be confusing and difficult for a child to observe. I speak from personal experience because my parents thought it was okay for me to be around my grandfather who drank. They should have protected me from that horrific scenario. Maybe you think it's okay for the kids because she only drinks at night or something like that, but an addict is always looking forward to the next hit. The mood is up, down, they can get aggressive because they're agitated, they forget things they promised and see the kids as their enablers ("get me my cigarettes, hon"). All looks perfectly normal but isn't. And they change when other adults are around, so you don't get the full picture.
I totally sympathize with your situation. But please protect your kids.
Encourage her to get involved with a Senior Center with activities and meet new people! Make her a list of local numbers, or get from Chamber of Commerce.
Your family is not her personal service staff or entertainment committee. Nip it in the bud NOW. BE TOO BUSY! "I can't do that, I'm too busy!" Stop the calls when they start!
Make sure Hubby handles her the most. Golf is on hold until he helps her get settled in, period. She has planted herself right into your lives without discussion. That's bold and pushy. Set FIRM boundaries. Once she heals up, steer her elsewhere to find new friends HER OWN AGE to socialize with, you are too busy with work and kids. Never join her drinking....not even a glass of wine. She could use grief counseling...find some!
Make it clear you have time limits, like holidays only...not every weekend. YOU ARE TOO BUSY. Remind her how it was when she was in 40s..."I'm sure you understand how busy it is working full tie with kids, and chores right?" Suggest doing something maybe ONCE A MONTH..."We can try to get together for BBQ" as time permits.
She's newly widowed and will be a train wreck at least a year. I sure was. You don't want her dropping in constantly, either. Sympathize and suggest she find some 60s girls to hag with! Your kids will get sick of it quick. I'd suggest she join www.widownet.org (online). It saved me! Perfect for her to get involved while arm heals.
GOOD LUCK!
My parents immediately followed us so I could “ take care of them “ . It was Mom’s idea.
Forgive me as I am having flashbacks, and I share them as warnings .
Mom would complain how she “ had to move “.
No she didn’t .
Mom complained she wasn’t happy .
She could have moved back to our home state but didn’t. My dad even offered to move back . But Mom wasn’t leaving her servant ( me ).
Mom was showing up at my house everyday complaining she was lonely . She also complained because my father liked it here . She wanted him miserable along with her.
I found a job. I had 2 teenagers also .
Dad came down with cancer , and Mom had a stroke and ultimately dementia .
I took care of my parents for a decade before they went into a facility . Dad was ok , Mom was horrendous to care for .
They died in 2016 and 2018.
Don’t be me .
I didn’t find this Forum until last year when at my wits end with my father in law ( divorced first wife and second wife died ). He had dementia and we rescued him from Florida ( he had retired and moved to FL ) and brought him up north by us and got him in assisted living with a necessary fib so he would be safe and cared for .
My husband regrets moving his Dad here . He was miserable . I think some are better off staying in their familiar states and not moving near their children .
Adding to my previous post.
If your husband defends his mother, tell him, “Keep talking, you are holding the door wide open for me to walk through and not come back!”
Why don’t you set up a spa day and get a massage?
If he says something, look him dead in the eye and say, “ She is your mom! Deal with it!”
I am really sorry that you are going through this.
As for your MIL, look at her, smile sweetly and say, “Bless your heart!”
Trust me, I am a southern gal (New Orleans) and this expression is not meant as a compliment! It is an insult!
I’ll have to use that on my MIL .
She won’t get it , ( lives in New York ) …..
But I’ll understand. lol.
I can use it as a substitute to biting my tongue when my tongue gets too sore !!
Your husband should read these answers.
I think he’s either in denial or is avoiding dealing with his mother . Your MIL needs to go to Alcoholics Anonymous . Also suggest grief counseling for the loss of her husband.
Your MIL is using the death of her husband in order to manipulate people to do things for her including clean out her junk , instead of doing that before she moved . She wants people to be her servants and to prop up a false independence .
If she wasn’t going to either mow her own lawn or pay someone to do it she should have gone in an apartment or condo. She should not assume her grandson will do it . She should not be upending your lives.
Incidentally, my mother (99) fell and broke her shoulder and wrist (2x) between the ages of 78 and 90. Again, bras are the worst!
If your MIL couldn’t make time to sort her stuff prior to her move, there is no urgency now.
Do NOT get suckered into unpacking and sorting for your MIL. YOU are NOT responsible for fixing everything that goes wrong for her. And it’ll become an expectation very quickly.
Absolutely unable to ditch the pressure to help? Then go help, if and only if you are accompanied by your husband. No way does he get a free pass!
You betcha Ana!
For 6 glorious weeks, while I was in my immobilization sling, I didn't worry about putting one on, since my arm was strapped across the front of my chest. One of the few positives from the sling!
I am juuuussssst now able to get my right hand around my back far enough to be able to unhook my bra. Still can't put it on from the front, though.
Do not call HER.
Let her call you.
And when she starts on all the stuff she needs and needs done tell her to hang on, get your hubby and say "Your Mom needs your help". Hand him the phone and walk away.
You need to change this dynamic RIGHT NOW.
This is his mother and his to handle.
NEVER go to help her without him right there doing the same.
Have hubby get her online to NextDoor in her neighborhood. That is where she can find people to help her shop, cook and get to appointments as well as unpack.
No money?
Time to get a job while she's young enough. She has a good 10 years she can work and save.
Don't allow her to make slaves of her grand-kids.
I also suggest you & hubby DO NOT drink with her, serve her liquor (beer or wine) and suggest she watch the TV show "MOM" about the group of friends (30-60s) who have disaster pasts and are attending AA together.
The housekeeper will come in handy especially while her arm heals. And any kind of social life that she can hopefully make for herself going forward would be a big help so she'll have other things to occupy herself!
Wishing you all the best ~
Hubby goes and does this stuff. Until he is good and sick of it he does it.
Then he lays down the law to her.
He gets her online to NextDoor where she can hire done any old thing she needs.
That she busted her arm is sad in these circumstances, but the alcohol leaves little room for sympathy, and is a lesson she is unlikely to learn.
AA is a great place to find NEW, wonderful, supportive people who will help her and be great resources for her. Her son should suggest them to her. If she claims she isn't an alcoholic he can tell her she's a "problem drinker, in that when you drink it's a problem!"
To answer a couple questions, we never asked her to move here. She just always said if her husband passed away, she would move out here, cause she doesn’t have anybody in Tennessee. So it was never really a question that’s just what she said she would do, I honestly didn’t think that would ever happen yet here we are. I am 43. You are also right I would end up being divorced if I keep indulging in this, I will set boundaries, thank you, thank you, thank you. I checked this first thing this morning and didn’t see any responses and when I just looked at it now it was like little angels were with me. 💙
Whose Idea was it To move across country? When she complains, ignore it. As said, she could live another 20/30 years. So now is the time for you to tell DH, she is your mother, not mine. I have no problem helping when I have time, but I will not be at her beck and call. And either should your husband be. My DH golfs, too, and I am sure if his Mom needed something done, it would be after his golf date. But TG she lived 2 days drive away.
You both will need to set boundries and now is the time. I am 74 and sure that I could unpack my own stuff. May take longer but I could do it. But, too, I would have downsized.
I don't even know what to say except I'm so sorry.
Good advice has already come your way, I'm sure. If it hasn't been said already, slow way down and stay away from her for however long you need. Navigating through her own cluttered mess may be the incentive she needs to start organizing and tossing stuff out. My God you're probably with her right now ready to scream and wanting to run away.
If it were me, I'd immediately give myself one full week of not going over there and not communicating with her beyond telling her to talk to her son. I'd reevaluate from there and extend it out if needed. I'd hand the phone to husband when he's there. When he's not, she can call him at work or wherever he is.
Husband needs to deal with this mess. If not, you're going to have to wipe your hands of it and let the chips fall where they may.
So rare when we all agree.
The TROPHY goes to:
AnxietyNacy for her:
"Every Alcoholic has a slew of enablers behind them".
She's my daughter's age.
She's young and has another THREE PLUS DECADES to live here.
You start taking on being her caregiver NOW, and you are going to have one miserable life going forward with the only high point being a divorce that rids you of a marriage gone-bad AND a MIL.
I don't care if your hubby works 3 jobs daily, it is on HIM to help his mother unpack or to help her find someone to hire to do so. If you take THAT on, what ELSE will you take on? I am guessing EVERYTHING.
As to the drinking, who cares. She is simply one more alcoholic out there that no one can change or do a thing about. IF you want support for handling the alcoholic in your life, go to Al-Anon. Know that going in the door you will learn there is ZERO you can do to change her drinking. But if her alcoholism becomes the source of fun conversations between you and hubby, oh, wow. You might as well save the energy and just get the divorce papers started now.
I am sorry anyone suggested her moving there. Because quite honestly I often here tell grown children that the BEST PLACE for them is at least 1,000 miles away from their parents. My reason is that the grown children do just EXACTLY what you are doing. They become caregivers. And a caregiver cannot be a child. If you are going to start this now, when your MIL is at some of the most free years of her life, when she should be traveling, hiking, having hobbies and friends? I honestly don't know what to say.
You need some serious rethinking of your role in this woman's life and her role in yours. She is your husband's mother. Let them have that relationship. Be polite. Have a bunch of folks for her to hire to help her. Get her signed in to NextDoor. Stop taking her on as though she is an adopted child. If you have to see a cognitive therapist to learn how to do that, please do it. I can tell you having done it that it's some of the best money you'll ever spend if it is a good therapist who shakes you up till you rattle, and sets you down on a new path.
Good luck. Make her a casserole once a week till the arm heels. Have hubby run it over. Let her know where the local chapter of AA meets.
But if it’s not been mentioned yet ……
DO NOT allow your kids to be recruited to help either .
You said she bought a house. Is there a lawn to mow ? Who does that ? Or is she in an HOA that does it ?
She can hire landscapers for that to be done as well.
Or perhaps a condo would have been a better idea when she moved .
Your mil unpacking is going to be there when she is better.
Your mil and husband is grooming you to be the caregiver now, So put you foot down. HARD!
Did you volunteer yourself for this job? Think about how this evolved.
Set yourself some boundaries and specific jobs and a time frame if YOU want to. If you don’t want to help, then don’t.
It is one thing for the family to come over and join in to make things go quicker, another to be abandoned with a person who has already worn out her welcome. No doubt everyone needs a break from one another if even her accent is grating to you.
Take care of yourself. You are not the drudge.
To me, this isn’t an emergency. She had an accident she now has to deal with.
Organizing her home will have to wait until she is able to deal with it. Stay in your lane.
At the first sign of alcohol, leave.
I like Ways idea of opening specific boxes for her to sort through if you do decide to help. Get her started and if you feel like it, tell her when you will come back to open a few more. Then leave and go do something nice for yourself.
You be in charge of you so others don’t feel so free to organize your life. That’s your job. Hugs. I hope you feel better soon.
I would suggest you invite your husband to go attend an Al-Anon meeting. He may say no and in fact, expect him to say no. But you go by yourself no matter what. This is where you will learn boundaries. You will need clear and strong ones in this situation. Once she starts to relentlessly call your husband for help, he will eventually get sick of missing his tee times and maybe will also start finding healthy boundaries.
If she was alcoholic while raising him, then he has developed unhealthy ways of dealing with her. Who's idea was it for her to move here? If it was your husband's then "tag" -- he's it when it comes to her calls and neediness.
I also strongly recommend couples counseling so that your own marriage can sustain her chaos. Even if your husband won't go, you should go yourself.
I've been married for 42 years. I can tell you with absolute assurity that nagging your husband will only cause him to bury his head deeper into the sand. Instead, make sure you schedule date nights where his Mother is not a topic that comes up. A marriage is a garden that needs to be tended. Pull those weeds early and often.
No one can be assumed into caregiving. Sometimes it's a cultural thing so if he's from that type of family then you will need to make your role in all of it crystal clear to him and her. When my MIL started calling me at work to gripe about her loser husband (after we tried to help her to leave him time after time) I just one day politely told her to never talk to me about that topic again since she keeps choosing to stay with him. So she started calling my husband at work (we have a business together so I heard the calls). Then eventually he stopped accepting her calls without me having to say anything to him.
Do not allow yourself to feel guilty if she struggles -- she will! And all brought upon herself by her own choices. Don't rob her of those consequences because it's the only thing that will motivate her and your husband to make different and better decisions. Al-Anon and a good counselor will clarify things a lot and make this easier for you.
I wish you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you find and set healthy boundaries.
Hubby went to play golf, huh? Like heck he would! His mother, his problem. Don't fall into the habit of caretaking a drunk. I don't care whose mother it is!
YOU do not have to help her unpack and put things away.
Your husband can help with that and she can do quite a bit.
(I am a bit older than she is, I fell and broke my left wrist and while cumbersome I was able to do pretty much most things myself. Took me a while to do a back hook bra but not sure if that was more to do with the wrist or my arthritis!)
Your husband can help with most things, you can set aside a few hours on ONE day and help as well.
She drinks, that is her choice.
When she falls again and she drives herself to the ER wait until morning to go see how she is.
The big problem is...when she falls how long would it take for her to be found if she can't get herself up and either call 911 or take herself to the ER? Your husband might want to discuss with her an emergency necklace or watch. Or set up cameras so that if you do not detect motion within a reasonable time you can check things out. (and by "you" I mean your husband)
STEP back from getting into the "caregiving" mode.
Set your boundaries NOW and stick to them.
This is not some 83 year old woman with poor balance .
This woman is simply a drunk and not even full retirement age .
I also want to add, you should get your husband to Al-anon and it wouldnt hurt you either, a team effort for your marriage, to learn to not let his alcohol mother not run and or ruin your life's. And to learn how to not enable.
Because by unpacking for her you are already enabling her and enabling your husband, and it's only been a few weeks.
Every Alcoholic has a slew of enablers behind them.
Best of luck to you, any venting, question or problems, we are here!
Never better said than you said it here:
"Every Alcoholic has a slew of enablers behind them".
That's a load of BS.
I tore my right rotator cuff in February, had surgery in March, was in a sling for 6 weeks and am now doing PT. You know what? I became quite adept at doing things one-armed with my weak arm. Necessity/mother of invention and all that stuff. Yes, it took me longer to do things, and I didn't do them quite as well as with my strong arm, but I was able to do most everything I was doing prior to the injury.
She can absolutely unpack many things one-armed. Not exceptionally heavy items that she would need 2 hands for, but lighter things like clothing, kitchen items, linens, etc., are totally doable. She may have to remove them one item at a time from it's box, but it can be done.
She is taking advantage of this injury and using it to manipulate you. When she/husband tells you she "can't", tell her it will be like an adventure, and you never really know what you can do until you try.
Well said.
Your husband will have to come to his own terms with his mother.
Golf vs being his Mom's man-servant.. hmm wonder what he'll choose?
(I'm not into golf myself, but I'd quickly join up & get some lessons!)