My parents are in their 80s and have limited mobility following health conditions. They are desperate to stay in their home and so they have a live in carer to help with all everyday tasks.
The issue is that they are both incredibly stubborn and have started being rude to the carer, complaining non stop that nothing is done in 'the right way' (even small things for example she doesn't fold clothes the way they like, they just expect her to know without having ever told her). It's gotten so bad that they've actually got through around 12 different carers, who either leave because they're being treated so rudely, or are told to leave by my parents. There doesn't seem to be any other options left. Please can anyone help offer some advice, I feel at a loose end! We've tried talking to them many times but they won't listen.
They have lived in a care home before and hated it so that doesn't seem to be an option.
'They lived in a care home before and hated it, so that doesn't seem to be an option'.
Well, that was then, this is now. Stubborn or not, they need what is best for them. I'm sure you've talked to them pretty sincerely about this dynamic--how they need to treat their CG's if they want to stay in their home.
You don't say how involved you are in their day-to day.
Let them try to get by with NO help for a week or two. They have to come to the conclusion they need to A: be nicer or B: they'll lose the ability to live in their home.
Growing old is the pits. Not to excuse their behavior, but be aware of that. Do you have any kind of 'control' over them? If you don't have POA, you're kind of up a creek.
Whatever you do, DON'T run to their house and make it be all right for them. That just allows them to continue on in a negative way.
I'd be all about letting them deal on their own. (DO they drive?? That's one thing that must be addressed, for safety issues). If they have to go completely without help, they may be kinder, or it may be time to re-visit an assisted living facility.
It also means they are no longer capable of making sound decisions.
If they need full time care, then they need to accept it in their home or live in a facility. Since they refuse to play nice with care givers in their home, they will eventually have the big problem that puts one or the other into hospital and that will be the end of living at home likely for both of them.
The thing is, you have to step back and let nature take its course. It is hard to watch someone crash, but often it is the only option.
If they feel they are independent, then let them find out they aren't. It sounds like to me you have told them what you can and can't do since there was a need for aides. Stick by your guns. Sorry Mom and Dad but thats why you hired aides. I cannot be here 24/7 and at your beck and call. Maybe u need to reconsider an Assisted Living where there are people who can help you.
The other thing is, wait till an emergency. One ends up in the hospital and goes to rehab. Then ur told they need 24/7 care and the other can't do it and the NH needs to discharge safely. At that point the one at home is told they won't release the other because they are not capable to care for them and you aren't either. Then the decision needs to be made they both go to an AL if they want to be together.
Also, your parents do NOT get to decide about going to a care home as if they live independently and in a bubble. If they don't start being nice to their caregivers, make it clear that you are NOT going to step in and enable their poor choices. Learn to say something like "Mom and dad, if you continue to drive away your caregivers, you will not be able to continue to live in your home and I will not step in to fill the void left by those helpers."
If one or both does have dementia, start looking for memory care now before a crisis happens.
Also, if you have a Live In, you should use a relief Caregiver one day a week so your Live In can have a 24 hr day off or give her two 12 hr shifts off. Believe me, they need the break.
This is horribly frustrating for you. I’m sorry.
We started out by telling the agency AND the potential caregiver that our LO would be “rude”, and were able to get a VERY good caregiver who didn’t give a second thought to what LO said, cooked like a pro, and ignored EVERY COMPLAINT.
I TRULY HATE those commercials on TV that are bathed in sappy sugary sweet music, show a sweet, smiley faced “caring friend” serving an exquisitely crafted salad to an equally sweet, obviously grateful and adoring person.
REALITY?? NO WAY! NEVER HAPPENS!
If 12 have actually quit, there’s imho some kind of loads more serious backstory happening...... they are not quitting cause mom or dad told them to fold the towels with the edges placed inside the trifold....
So what’s the story? Are they being paid legally and properly? Like hired through an agency or if hired freelance they are having full FICA & tax reporting done? & are getting paid regularly?
As it’s live in caregiver, are they being provided their own private bedroom & full meals & time off? Both daily breaks and full days off in which they are not, again NOT, accountable at all to your folks?
Are your folks threatening in some way? Like racist slurs? Sexual stuff?
Is there something about how your folks live that isn’t safe? Maybe use of drugs beyond what’s prescribed? Hoarding? Unsecured guns? Aggressive pets? Maintenance needed that creates unsafe housing?
A dz caregivers quitting is beyond odd.
So, really what’s the backstory?
I always say, treat them according to the age they are behaving.
It's time for YOU to draw the line (obviously the 12 previous caregivers thought their lines had been crossed).
Sometimes the best solution is to take the matter out of their hands.They might put up a fight (aren't they already doing that??) but will be secretly happy that a decision has been made.
Go ahead, make arrangements for a facility to meet their needs. Someone needs to act like an adult.
They probably have a lot of fear and anxiety since they are dependent on others for their care. Please talk to their doctor. They may benefit from antianxiety medications as well as strict routines - easier to get both well-monitored in a residential facility.
You might ask them what they hated about the facility. And for each thing they hated, is it better with Ms Caretaker doing it for you in your own home? Would you want to be talked to the way you talk to Ms Caretaker? No. It is rude and she doesn't deserve it. So. . . do you want to live at home with caretakers helping you out - or - do you want to return to the facility? You have a choice.
I would also do some kind of covert observation - get a camera that you can see what's going on. It seems a little odd that they were able to run off 12 caregivers. Most people in that field are used to some pretty mouthy patients. There could be some real over the top abuse from your parents. Definitely figure that out before assuming you've only had some weaklings that can't handle some clothes folding criticism.
I had a tough talk with him, telling him he was risking Mom's health and safety by not having help come in. And that I was not going to quit my well-paying job to be their caregiver, not happening!
We hired an agency who sent a worker on 3 times a day. Some they liked, some they hated. Mom did the same thing, complaining to me that they didn’t do things the way she wanted. I told her she was their employer and it was up to her to give them directions, they aren’t mind readers!
Also, my parents were not accustomed to having an employee and were pretty uncomfortable with giving directions. Maybe you could sit down with your parents and get a list of issues that bother them. Then review that list with the next caregiver and discuss it with everyone concerned to agree on what is most important.
Mom wanted the carer to scrub her kitchen floor on her hands and knees the way mom always "used to," I told her no one would do that anymore, I didn’t do that myself and certainly wouldn’t do it for her.
Mind you, for the G_ in question, that was pretty mild. I was also on the receiving end of "you don't get any prettier, do you?" "do what you want, you stupid cow" and a few unprintable expletives. The key thing about this particular client, though, was that we all of us - and some of my co-workers heard much, much worse from him - really cared about this man's wellbeing. Usually, if you spoke civilly to him he was civil in return; but there were days when his miserable life made him desperate and foul-mouthed. I can't truly blame him for anything he said.
There was a long-running battle about food. It was our job to make sure that if he didn't eat a meal, he at least had food to hand that he could help himself to. G did not agree: "I SAID, I'M NOT HUNGRY!!!" I watched one sweet girl, who can't be more than 24 years old, carefully arrange a plate full of G's known preferred snacks in the kitchen; then just as we were about to leave and lock up, she darted into his room, popped the plate on his table and ran like the wind.
So - the OP's parents may be hard to please, but it is a rare client who stands out for intolerable rudeness. I'd be interested to know exactly how many caregivers have resigned in protest, and how many have been let go.
You advice is always spot on.
I love your responses to this one.
Wash the floor, no problem 😊
No one would want family heirlooms destroyed because of her weight. She was super obese. I bet a home scale doesn’t even register high enough for a person as large as she was.
Furniture has a weight limit.
People a long time ago were smaller. Look at stadium seats from long ago. They were smaller. Antiques are the same. It isn’t a personal attack.
It’s sad that she has this problem but maybe she will seek help. I hope so. She showed up at my house with super sized fast food meals. Food addiction is an issue for some people.
Even if she were thin I would say the same thing. She wasn’t doing a satisfactory job for a frail elderly woman with Parkinson’s disease. The agency thanked me for being honest about her performance and sent a wonderful replacement so it all worked out.
Well, nothing else to say about the matter. Enjoy your evening.
Certainly 12 is a high number of quitters- are their other factors besides the grouchy behavior? Low pay? Unreasonable requests? Infrequent pay? General unkindness? Impossible schedules/long hours? Are the former employees qualified or trained to perform the requested tasks? Contact those who quit to see if they are willing to provide an “exit interview” to reduce future turnover.
Perhaps a tweak (higher pay) will make the difference. The certified CNAs who worked with my parents and grandparents were trained to be understanding regarding negative geriatric behaviors.
Maybe hiring 2 to “tag team” is a solution for unusual or demanding schedules.
If you or a sibling can become more involved as a point person, future problems can be mitigated.
So explain, if THAT'S want they want, then keep doing what they're doing, because that is the eventuality of what will happen.
IF you try to reason with them, in all sincerity, and they're not able to "get it", then it's time to realize that they are incapable of making decisions in their own best interest, and you must do what you must do, sooner rather than later - - that is, NOW...
Tell them , not an option, that if they do not accept the help that they need in the house you will have NO option but to find another "care home", Assisted Living place for them. And once there they will not be able to come back home. They can not live alone and care for themselves and you can not do it.
Sure they are not going to like having someone help them out but that is the way it has to be.
Make a list of the things that they need help with, get their input on this as well
Have them explain how they want things done (within reason) and present this to the caregivers. (I had to laugh at this when I read about folding clothes right...my husband never folded towels, he said he couldn't fold them the way I wanted them folded. I told him as long as they fit on the shelf I did not care how they were folded. Funnier yet..I had moved in with him, he had lived in the house his whole life as he had ben born on the front porch! NO excuse for not knowing how to fold towels!)
No one wants to admit they are in need of help. To do so is giving up a big part of your independence and that is difficult. We fight for independence from the time we are born and to give up some of that is hard.
Tell them if this does not work out there will not be an option 2 it will be moving to a facility where they can be cared for.
Peffect answer. I have done this and it works
Try finding one person. Strange people coming and going scared the h*ll out of them.
I am a caregiver, and have had 4 seniors I have cared for over the years . Most for over 6 years.
Nothing any harder than being a care giver 7/24. It has been 15 years with Alzheimer's and 40 years of other major health problems and hospitalizations. Prayer and others prayers, a few good Doc is where I give credit to my survival. I try to be grateful for what my husband can still do for himself but, I need to stay one step ahead with planning everything. and constant stress and trying to figure things out and wonder "what does this mean". My own health is suffering, but what about "for better for worse, richer, poorer, till death do us part". What about memory care when Doc suggest it, . It is not that easy and to figure out how to pay for everything. When I read about folks who have it harder, my heart goes out. The only thing that I know is that God is in control and I have more decisions to make and will do my best to get it right. Thank You for "listening"
My best to all!