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My wife and I have been caring for my father for the last six years. He is now 100+ and asked that he would like to age in place in the home he built. We agreed to help as it suited my wife and I best at the time. The kids had all moved out and we had planned to sell our house to downsize. I have five siblings. Four live hundreds of miles away and I have one brother a mile away who does nothing to help. Two years ago my father came to my wife and I and said he wanted to give us his home for everything we do for him. We told him that was too much and the conversation stopped for a few months. He then came back and said "I want to sell you my home for $100,000 and then your brothers and sisters will each get $20,000 when I pass and the home will be yours". I thought that was fair, given that my wife is his caretaker 24/7 and can't work. He changed his will and as soon as he did, two of my brothers and two of my sisters started to call him, yelling at him, telling him how unfair that is. My oldest brother is the only one who said we deserve it and took our side. I explained to my siblings that if we hadn't stepped in, dad would have had to sell the house and move into a home. That money would be gone by now. The best outcome for them would have been for dad to hand his home over to the Mason's and they would own the house once dad passed. They didn't see it that way. Instead, my one brother dropped off what I call a 'ransom letter' stating they wouldn't accept anything less than $40,000 each, which meant they expected us to purchase the home for $200,000. Things got bad for a few weeks where they would plan staged attacks where one would call after another, yelling at my father and asking if he had changed the will yet. My father couldn't sleep, was getting headaches and feeling terrible. After two weeks he told me to "shut them up and give them what they want", so we had the will amended. I want to know if anyone else has had this happen. I no longer talk to these people and I now find them to be disgusting people who will emotionally beat up a 100 year old man for money. I also had two siblings tell me that dad could never come up with this on his on, basically accusing me of coercion. Everyone I talk to agrees with me, just reaching out to see if there is something I am missing in all this to justify there actions.

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Yes. They are disgusting people. But your father capitulated to their demands. And there is nothing now to do about that. I am sorry that he ever allowed them to speak to him about his will and his plans at all. There was no need to do so.

This is done now. Best simply to ignore the siblings. Make "family" of decent people in the world and let the "family of blood" alone. Time to move on. You will feel enormous relief once you release this.
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Your siblings' actions and accusations are repulsive and utterly beyond justification.

Your father's mistake, however, was his rather romantic belief that all of his children would appreciate his attempt to divide his estate both generously and fairly. He would have done better to exclude all of you from the decision, and to seek the services of an attorney in drawing up the will he wants to see executed in due course.

He can still do that, if he wants, you know.
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Too bad dad caved to the bullies. That was their goal and they were successful, so now you lose and they win. Talk to dad about changing his will back to what it was originally.
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I wonder if you could present this to a lawyer and begin to bill your siblings for the cost of care (In all honestly, I doubt if this is possible to begin now since you've been taking care of your father for a long time). In a perfect world you could start billing them for services rendered by the hour at an average of $30 an hour x 24 hours a day ($720 per day) x 7 days a week ($5,040). That' s not even counting the money spent for food/medical items/sundries. Even if you just include this year (going to December), you can deduct a tidy $60K from their extorted amount of $200,000. Oh heck, it would be kind of fun to look into, just to imagine the cringe factor you could dangle over them.
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I read years ago not to tell anyone what is in your Will. They can be mad at you after you die.

I don't think u can bill siblings for the care you give Dad. You volunteered to help him. And if you felt you should be paid, Dad should have done it and it would have been less for the siblings.

I tell my girls what we have put aside will go for our care. They don't expect anything. Really, we parents are not entitled to leave our children anything.
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A will means nothing until someone is dead. That is why it should not be discussed. If your father was of sound mind and gave away all his money to you before he died, it would stay your money, you wouldn’t have to give it back .

When people act like their inheritance is being spent in elder care or a facility , they are wrong . That money is retirement money to take care of the person until they pass . There is no inheritance until someone dies.

My sister was trying to get my mother to give her engagement ring to her . My sister berated my mother over it because my mother was skipping all her 4 daughters and the will said her only granddaughter was to get the ring. This granddaughter is my daughter. I have been no contact with this toxic sister for years. My mother on her own finally gave the ring to me to give to my daughter ( the granddaughter that mom wanted to have the ring ).

My sister called the lawyer and accused me of orchestrating that . She wanted to contest the will . The probate lawyer told me that whoever my mother gave the ring to before she dies keeps the ring. My mother gave it to me to give to my daughter , she had a moment of clarity (dementia) about a month before she died and told me she wanted to be sure the right person got the ring.

My sister must have been aware that if she got my mother to give her the ring then she would have kept it . I’m sure my sister was doing this so my daughter would not have the ring. My crazy sister even told me that I gave my mother the only granddaughter on purpose to make my mother happy.
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I’m truly sorry for all of you in this. My dad went through the process of amending his will a couple of times, and it was emotionally hard for him each time. The huge mistake in your family was ever discussing it all, but I’m sure you realize that now. When it comes to a will, the less said the better. The choice now between you and dad, hopefully after things mellow a bit, is deciding to leave things as they are and be at peace with it, or to revisit the lawyer and be sure dad’s wishes are firmly planned out with the best advice of legal counsel and then no discussion of it ever. That’s hard to ensure as dad’s mental status may bring on the talking, if not now, one day to come.
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What Dad could do is make an addendum to his will saying that your wife needs to be paid X dollars for her caregiving for him in his old age. He leeds to stipulate that it gets paid out of his estate first, then what remains is split equally between his kids. My dad did this, and I was paid $30,000 for caring for him and my mother for TWO months. I think your wife deserves $50,000, because it's a huge job and she's not being compensated at all, right?

By my calculations that would be $200,000 -$50,000 = $150,000
Divide that by 5, and they each get $30,000.

Oops -- let's not forget final expenses, too, so he'll need a $5,000 funeral at the least (that's conservative). I'm going to assume the plot has already been bought and paid for, so we'll stick with $5,000.

New calculations:

$200,000-50,000-5,000= $145,000
Divide by 5 = $29,000 each, and if they know what's good for them, they'll take it and shut up.
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Yes, you (really, your wife since she gave up her job to be your father's fulltime caregiver) deserve to get much more than your siblings. it is really disrespectful to your wife the way your F capitulated to your siblings.

If it was me, I would bring your F to a lawyer to get the will changed back.

This is just another example of why the pay-as-you-go method of caregiving is the way to go. People pussyfoot around it, because so many act high and mighty about no way will they be paid for taking care of their parents. But the still think they need payment of a sort once the parent is gone (being deeded the house, for example).

I'm curious as to how your wife feels, since she's the one who's been disrespected and taken for granted by everyone.
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I sincerely appreciate the thoughts and comments you all have taken the time to provide. While my wife and I would have still chosen to be live in caretakers for my dad we certainly would have approached it from a more business minded perspective from the onset. As is the case with what I assume to be many folks we never imagined that the frail bodied ( but sound minded!) almost 95 year old dad we started out with would still be able bodied enough to be home with us at 100+ years old! Life is busy and one day, week, month and year quickly led to the next and that's just our fault for not recognizing the need to " formalize" the details with dad of what our situation was turning in to. We recognize that it is a blessing and we thank God that he is comfortable , sound of mind ( if not body) and generally positive and happy each day. At this point we ( my wife/adult children and myself) are in it until the end with dad. We certainly have our emotional ups and downs and the sibling mess has been quite the gut punch to dad and to us BUT that will not change how we care for dad. All but one of them are hundreds of miles away and call dad infrequently so at this point we are able to operate peacefully within our household most of the time ... and I have one fully supportive brother that is emotionally and physically ( comes to stay with dad so we can occasionally get out of dodge!) supportive to us AND our dad. This forum is very therapeutic and I really hope others take heed from this experience of ours and have the difficult and uncomfortable talks about the " business" side of making these life changes......for both the caregivers and person(s) being cared for! There is so much to be gained from other folks and their lived experience. At this point we are all mentally drained from the BS with the Will and the subsequent broken sibling relationships that we are not planning to put dad through any further "business" changes for the will. The disruptive Siblings apparently have plenty of energy to launch into emotional warfare ( dramatic terminology but it felt/feels like that). We on the other hand are here, with dad, 24/7 just trying to keep life moving along for him and us:) We don't have the brain space currently to give to the negative stuff. Another reason to address all the "stuff" that you can't imagine unfolding over time....... One day dad will be gone and we will feel that we did all we could to provide a peaceful family unit for him to live out his last days ( years!). Financially my wife and I will be fine....we don't "need" the equity he attempted to give us from purchasing his home at a discount once he passes. while we don't "need" it we certainly appreciate the intention of the gesture and it would have been a welcome "gift " from him. We don't blame him for caving to the greedy 4 sibs......they put up quite an assault. They could wear anyone down. It wasn't worth it for him or us to keep up that fight. Out of all the emotions I would say the sadness over watching dad be disappointed over their behavior was the most striking. Anyway, we are grateful that most of them live far away so he, and we, can just focus on the daily good stuff....... sunny days, watching the birds, taking a walk, etc......the little things.........that are actually the very biggest things! Thank you again for all of the food for thought and comments!
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My brother inherited Moms house. (other two did not want it) When she passed it would have needed at least a 100k to get it up to code. My brother lives 7 hrs away and was retiring. He didn't want it. So I hired a lawyer to put the house back into the estate. Brother had to sign off that he did not want it. By doing this, we all split the proceeds from the sale of the house.

Maybe thats what you need to do when the time comes. Put the house back into the estate. Sell it for as much as you can get and then split the proceeds among you all the siblings. Then you just walk away. Or, pay the 200k and then sell it hopefully for lost more and walk away. Siblings can't come after u because you all went by the Will and signed off that your agreed to the accting.
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My grandmother made her will loooong before she died.

She didn't have much of an estate and her 3 kids knew it. My mom was the only child who 'took care' of Gma, although she was spunky and independent well into her 90's.

One sibling had not seen her for years when she died. She was furious about the will, b/c gma stated that if ANYONE 'kicked up a stink' about the way she dispersed her things, that person would get $1 and her eternal disdain. Mom had an envelope with her sister's name on it and a $1 bill inside, just in case.

What could the aunt do? Gma discussed her will with mom and no one else.

What you choose to leave people, or not, is a personal decision. It's NOT a 'given' and tho most people tend to divide things equally--that's not always the case.
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