When you feel like running far, far away from them...
My aunt died in the post-op rehab facility on the 28th. For her, it was probably a blessed release. Her sister, who is my mother, is like a vulture picking over her meager belongings and accusing (everyone) of pilfering my aunt's stuff. That's irritating, but she is in dementia herself, maybe an early stage, so it was to be expected. I will just minimize my contact with my mom so that I don't get triggered, at least until I have a bit more closure about my innocent old auntie, who was mentally handicapped since birth and who had a sad, lonely, confusing life for 73 years.
My stepmom, 81, fell a few weeks ago and insisted that "exercising" was the solution, so she kept making it worse. Never listened to me or the doctors. She also refuses to use her walker because they're for "weaklings", so she fell AGAIN a week ago. She's been lying on her back, writhing in pain in bed, sucking down Extra Strength Tylenol. Refuses to go to the doctor's for another set of xrays. So on Sunday, I said, "That's it. We're going to the doctor's on Monday." Compound fractures/severe osteo/on codone now.
I spoke to the doctor this morning who said instead, to take her to emergency. So poof! There went my work day. I'm worried my company is suffering because of their endless needs. I barely know my stepmom, but today, for the 3,000,000 time, I heard all about her eldest brother's eldest daughter's high school play (the kid is now older than me, and my stepmom has never met her even once!), and how her other brother Ben, "Why he was so funny, one time he said to Mother..." except it happened at least 8 years before she was even BORN and I've heard that story SO many times. I smile sweetly, do my duty, but later feel waves of rage at everyone else in the entire world...like the dingbat at the pharmacy who double parked and the ditzy girl who...you get it.
Then my biological mother called today to whine (and I do mean whine) about why I never come visit her...just as I was finally leaving the pharmacy to go BACK to my stepmom and bio dad's house for the third round trip today...
Tonight, my introverted, entitled boyfriend called around 8 PM and told me his news for the day. I really wanted to interrupt and say, "I don't give a $%^&!" But I got through his monologue and then he had the AUDACITY to say, "So tell me about your day in 10 words or less, because I don't want the whole story like usual." I wanted to beat him senseless!
Three people today were incredibly kind. Two of them were the electricians I'm trying to hire to come rewire my late grandpa's dilapidated house - at my expense, so that I can sell it and give every penny to my mom and her husband in exchange for "letting" me live here while I care for them. One said, "You spent six hours at the hospital today? You must have wings!" I felt like weeping when he said that, a man I've never even seen in person.
The third one who was SO kind was my stepmom when I brought back her medicine. But in between, all I could think of was, "Why did I get my Covid shots when all four of them tell me daily they want to die?"
I want to run away.
I want to stop being their daughter/slave girl
I want to be 100% selfish and go back to the beach city I come from and leave them all to die in this ugly, dilapidated midwestern town.
I miss all my friends at home and I am so soul-lonely here!
I want to live the second half of my 50s completely on my own terms, spending my time and money on things that matter to me and only me.
I want to change my phone number.
I wish I hadn't volunteered to help all these people.
OK. If you've read my outburst this far, you're a freakin' saint. I had to get this off my chest in a place where other people "get it" and know how flippin' hard this is to do this. I feel like they are sucking every ounce of life out of me. I feel like the Dread Pirate Roberts in Princess Bride when he's strapped to the machine by the evil count! (Ha ha!)
Also, be sure you know what you're doing with selling that house and giving money to someone. If that "someone" ever needs Medicaid in the next 2.5 to 5 years, this transaction might prevent that.
When we are stressed we are much less able to tolerate little irritations because we are all raw. You are probably in Burnout and this is not sustainable for anyone. Just read other posts on this forum under the Burnout topic. So, you do have options and maybe none of them feel "good" right now but to some problems there are just no good or perfect solutions. But you do have control of your life. I wish you all the best as you move forward through the mire and pop out the other side. May you gain peace in your heart.
you need to be unavailable....
I get what you mean about having to listen to the same story the upteenth time. I was on the phone with my mom yesterday, listening to her complain yet again, I had to tell myself , breathe... let her.... breathe.... and I let her , so when your mom is not understanding why you are not visiting her.. jealousy? Breathe again , and tell yourself , you can’t do it all , move on...
I wish you luck, I am so glad I found this forum. ....Before I put my foot in it, with my in laws. I refuse. Does that make me a bad person, ... well in the eyes of my sister in law it does. But I don’t care. I’ve worked hard all my life, not to end up doing elder care and all that goes with it, the diapers etc. Brother in law who is FPOA, doesn’t want to hire help as he’s saving for inheritance..(by time they die there won’t be any)
It is high time for you to "quit" your volunteer job. There are people in this world who get paid for the very things you are volunteering for - I think you need to find them and put them to work.
You don't deserve to be treated this way. No one deserves to be treated this way! You need to start to concentrate on you! Please, while you still have (relative) youth and health to enjoy life, please start to farm these responsibilities out and get back to living your life as you deserve to live it!
Oh, and P.S. - maybe I'm being judgmental, but your "boyfriend" sounds like a total a**hole. Maybe he's the first thing you need to ditch to start being happy - anyone in your life who speaks to you like that should be shown the door as fast as you can escort him there!
End this volunteering and soon. All of it!
If not, you will be committing yourself to a mental institution!
Buy books on boundaries. Talk to a therapist about boundaries. Ask anyone on this forum how they enforced boundaries.
You know that you have absolutely too much on your plate.
No one can do it all. There are no super powers. We are mere mortals.
You have been going through the motions for a long time!
Take yourself off of autopilot. Hit the brakes.
You can hit the brakes hard and stop suddenly or you can ease into stopping. It’s your choice. Just make the decision to stop.
One day their care will require more than you can offer. What then?
I am sorry to be harsh. I do have compassion.
Please know that I kept myself in misery for a long period of time too.
I don’t want to see others bring suffering on themselves like I did.
I was blind. So are you. I was slowly burning out! So are you.
Sure, I helped those I cared for but I was destroying myself in the process.
You have an interesting history with your family.
You looked up your dad after he abandoned you and your mom.
I understand your curiosity but you bit off more than you can chew!
Take control of your life again.
Ignore your dad’s threats of doing this and doing that.
Stop dropping everything to help all of your parents. I know that you have issues with your mom and stepdad too. It’s too much!
Are you finding fulfillment in all of this heartache? No, you aren’t.
My gosh, even Mother Teresa suffered with depression. Why wouldn’t you suffer?
Give yourself permission to stop.
Please stop killing yourself. You deserve better.
You deserve to live in peace and have joy in your life again.
I want your next post to be about your taking steps to make a better life for yourself. Promise me that you will do that.
Wishing you all the best.
I just wanted to let you know that your are not alone. I have all my sympathy!
Try to get your step mom on Medicaid waver or something. They will come every so often to help with her. They even have a person that will come in cook and sit with her. If you can get her on it then on the days they are there take time for yourself. Enjoy life.
Personally I think you need to find a boyfriend that will help you instead of you having to listen to his complaints.
God bless you
RUN to the BEACH!!
Dont look back!!
YOLO
It does all.sound exhausting & time for some self-care.
Book a holiday to that Beach City & start looking around? A seachange does sound like a wonderful plan...
You know it sounds silly, but this book really helped me.
The life changing magic of tidying up by Marie Kondo (aka Konmari).
Find what sparks joy. Beautiful, useful or treasured memory. Discard the rest.
Many people found their boyfriend & many relatives also in the 'discard' pile... 😉
So.....find yourself help in other ways. See if you can find and hire a Geriatric Mgr. to handle your Stepmom's care. Develop your own schedule whereby you do errands and/or visit ONLY during those days and times. Inform them both and post it on your Mom and your Stepmom's fridge and be firm about not being there if you're not scheduled to be.
Install wifi cameras so you can monitor them from your smartphone. Arrange for a neighbor to make a daily or bi-weekly call or brief personal "check-in".
The point here is not to wait for their permission to do anything because you will never get it. They are feeling entitled to you being at their beck and call. You can't control their feelings, but you can set small boundaries, which will help you catch your breath and maybe take stronger steps in the future.
My heart goes out to you, you are a humble, kind warrior! Find comfort knowing we caregivers share and feel your pain. And keep that sense of humor! The beach - I promise - will be there whenever you are ready.
I do not do any hands on care, but I was talking to a couple fellows on Monday who are drawing up a plan to replace the septic system on a family property. It going to be very expensive, upwards of $30K. And no, I should be be the one doing the work, but the property is in a trust and I am a remainderman. The person who is legally responsible for the repairs, Dad spends all his money hoarding and prepping.
There are an additional $20K in repairs that need doing, at least half this year to prevent further deterioration of the house.
Mum is suffering from depression triggered by a complete lack of activities during Covid. She has become needy and I cringe when I see her name on my call display. It gives a sense of my state of mind, that when I son told me he had possibly been exposed to Covid (I was with him on Eater Weekend), I was happy that I could tell Mum I would be seeing her for 2 weeks.
Luckily contact tracing has determined that the person who got Covid was exposed after he had finished working on the job site I son was working on. I will have to tell Mum later today as she is worried about her grandson.
Feel free to rant about your days here. And your fellow needs a lesson or two on tact, or perhaps your relationship needs a reality check?
there are times that I feel like dragging up but never do I WISH leaving anybody to die in an ugly dilapidated place. And it sounds like you've been able to live your selfish life (as you said), for quite some time & this is a Thorn In Your Side for what may be a couple of years??...why don't you realize that their life is ending and your life will continue..... and you'll be able to go back to your nice life🙏
I can usually identify with people and the issues they're going through, but IT SEEMS YOUR REAL PROBLEM IS THE BOYFRIEND, and you're taking it out on these very very elderly people.
I have been through some Whoppers in my caregiving time. I have done live in hospice, taken care of dysfunctional families, etc. and let me tell you,
if it wasn't for my awesome husband...
a good support man and my TEAM member, my spirituality, love, kindness and understanding.. I never would have made it through all these years💕🙌
My 95 year old mother lives with me and there are daily "minors" that I have learned to ignore or I would go stark raving mad. I hope you can find some time for yourself to recharge. What makes you happy?? It's ok to find time for yourself. It's kind of like the instructions on an airplane to put your air mask on first then tend to others.
Know that you are not alone and prayers are coming your way.
We placed their needs above ours. Why aren’t our needs equally as important?
We realize our needs count just as much, but for whatever reason we never found the courage to act on behalf of our own interests.
Until you decide to value yourself equally to those that you care for, nothing will change.
You are deserving of a wonderful life. Please take your life back.
Haven’t you lost enough time? With each passing day, more and more time is slowly slipping away.
I know that you care for all of your parents but be honest with yourself.
You bit off more than you can chew. It’s time to make permanent plans for others to care for them.
Then you can visit with them without the hardship of bearing the heavy responsibility on your shoulders.
Trust me, I have been in your shoes. It will only get worse, it never gets any easier.
Go speak to a therapist. I did. They will help you sort out your emotions and hopefully you will start thinking rationally again.
You won’t be depriving your loved ones of anything. In fact, you will be helping them a great deal by allowing them to receive around the clock care.
I realize that you are seeking comfort and want compassion. I do have compassion for you but look at the answers that will help you the most.
Compassion from others won’t solve your problems. Hearing viable solutions to your situation does help.
Speak to a social worker that deals with the elderly. Ask your parent’s doctors to put you in touch with a social worker. Get a phone number or email and get started on this right away.
I pray that you will find the courage to do this. If you don’t take these steps forward you are allowing the agony to continue for everyone involved.
I don't know if you have any chance of getting these people placed or cared for by someone other than you, but I hope that you can regain your life soon without any regrets or guilt. Volunteering is not meant to be a life sentence. You have done more than your part and deserve to enjoy your life. If you don't have that opportunity, know that you have a community here who completely understand how you feel.
I am lucky both my parents entered the facility in Independent living, moved to AL when dad kept falling; then dad moved from AL to SNF where he died about 4 months later.
You on the other hand have 4 high demand care-ees. I too would want to run away. You need to delegate. As much as possible they need to take some responsibility for themselves - I realize that is not possible with those suffering from dementia. Make a schedule and stick to it - except of course in emergencies - an emergencies are broken bones (step mom), fires, earthquakes, pestilence and the like. Make them spend their money on their needs - not your money - what will you use when you're their age? I was also lucky in my parents were and are grateful for what I do and insist on paying for my gas or lunch (preCovid). Make lists of who needs what.
Whether they like it or not they need to get some in home help - you can't do it all and you need a vacation at least a long weekend to recharge. I don't know how you do what you have done? You are amazing and I'm glad one of the three kindnesses shown you was from your step-mother.
I also suggest you learn how to virtually scream - I took this up at one of my jobs I had over the years. It doesn't take much to stress me out and get to the flight or fight mode. I found opening my mouth, scrunching up my eyes and shaking my head back and for while looking at the ceiling and doing a totally silent scream (just releasing some air, so inhale first) really helped me release some tension. It did make my co-workers laugh as they observed my totally insane action. I'd also get some strange looks from other drivers while I practiced this at stop lights.
Q2 On a scale of 1. independant (like the Golden Girls) to 5. Fully Dependant (like a rag doll) where would each one be?
Q3 if you went on holidays, who would be OK & who would be left in danger?