My 88 year old dad has mild dementia. He developed blood clots in his lungs and is on blood thinners. We tried to keep him home but he always wants to get up and wander around and "go outside for a walk". My mom just wants to sit in her sewing room and won't keep tabs on dad. We were working on getting home care in for a few hours a day so they could take dad for a walk, make sure he is eating and help out around the house. Mom resists any kind of help and says she can take care of dad. After discussions with home health care, we decided dad would be safer in a Memory Care facility. He has been there a week, mom goes over everyday for lunch (she hates it). My dad is very social and very mobile but no one else in the facility is so he has no one to talk to. He keeps telling mom "I'll be a good boy if you let me come home". This morning mom begged me to "release" dad and let him come home. I actually agree with some of her arguments. "He is wasting away there with no one to talk to", etc. I am so torn, did we place him too soon? Should we bring him home and go with having caregivers in several hours a day to keep him busy and from going on walks by himself? Did the "facility" use scare tactics with us just to get us to move him there? All these things keep running through my head. I would love to just have mom go live with him there but she absolutely refuses to do that.
Because Dad is at risk to wander and Mom has a difficult time supervising him, don’t second guess not only your decision but that of the HHC professionals. If you vacillate, they will pick up on your indecision. There are no guarantees that Dad will be a “good boy” if he comes back home. Dementia is nothing if not unpredictable. And, dementia has no reverse gear; it only gets worse. And Mom can promise to supervise him, but sooner or later, she’ll go back to her sewing room. Could you put a wander guard ankle bracelet on him? Sure. Would Mom hear it and react? Maybe. My mom cut hers off. Twice.
If you feel that this place and Dad are not a good fit, research moving him, especially if he hasn’t been there for a long time. Relocating dementia patients is difficult and confusing for them, it not impossible. My mom’s Memory Care had activities but not a whole lot of them. Ask at his facility if they have anything he could do.
You know you can’t bring Dad home. Don’t let them convince you otherwise. It’s takes a while, but they will get accustomed to this new reality.
If your dad needs a lot of help with Activities of Daily Living (eating, dressing/grooming, bathing, going to the bathroom, and transferring- getting in and out of a chair or the bed.), then he probably has passed mild dementia. If your dad is actually wandering....trying to leave the house because he thinks he needs to be somewhere or is trying to "go home", then a residential memory care placement is probably warranted. If he just wants to take a walk, and still can ask for help and knows who he is, maybe the placement was premature.
Even if the assessment determines a memory care placement is a good idea, there might be a facility with higher functioning residents where he could be placed. There is something called the Eden Alternative. If they have one near you, you could look into it. The two we toured grouped the residents by stages. The members of the group we visited were in much better shape than our loved one who still lives at home!
Again, I really suggest having a Aging Life Specialist talk to you. (Get one whom you pay by the hour. Some are compensated by the services they refer you to.) They might guide you to groups who can assess the situation and they may know more about the resources available to your parents. Hopefully, you can come up with a solution that your mom and dad like better than the one they have.
The men that are there are either bored, wander or get aggressive
It's understandable that mom doesn't want strangers in her house but it wouldn't be right to move her into a memory care facility either
If you are unhappy with the current facility then moving him sooner rather than later is a good idea
Your mother wants your father to be happy and safe, cared for at home. She wants to be a good wife. She wants her husband not to be locked away with people he can't talk to. She wants not to feel bad about how she's "treated" him.
None of that is anything that anyone can't understand. The rub is, that you know what happens in reality. Your mother can't cope with your father's dementia-related behaviours, so she shuts herself away in her sewing room and wishes that everything will somehow be okay. Only, it is far from ok.
Increase the amount of support so that she isn't having to handle him on her own? I think if you tried that, you would probably find that she couldn't cope with the intrusion into her routine. Plus, your father's dementia will inevitably worsen so that eventually he is likely to need placing again. But at that time, he'll be even less able to form relationships with the facility's staff and adjust to new surroundings; and your mother will feel even guiltier about "abandoning" him for a second time.
What about looking at alternative facilities? Maybe a continuing care facility with a greater diversity of residents would provide better social opportunities for your father, even be a place your mother might feel more at home.
Does this facility have "regular" assisted living? I wonder if he could try that. If he doesn't wander, fine and dandy. If he does, he needs a secure environment.
My mother was on the first floor of her nursing home. The other building on the property housed assisted living. Upstairs from the nursing home was memory care. For some events, some of the more social or more functional memory care residents joined the nursing home. Several would join for musical events, for example. An aide would keep an eye on them during the event. They might stay to socialize with cake and punch after the music. At least this gave the folks whose dementia was less advanced an opportunity for more socialization. Would any of this be available to your dad? Do you think it would help?
What did your mom and dad do together at home? Watch TV together? Go for walks? Have an afternoon snack? Read the Sunday paper and have coffee on the porch? They could probably arrange to do most of the same things together in the care center.
I feel so sad about your dad promising to be good. This isn't a punishment because he was bad. This is an attempt to take care of some special needs he has now. It is Not His Fault. I hope you and the staff remind him of that over and over. He was not bad. He is sick.
This is such a sad situation. I hope you find a way to achieve some improvements.
You seem to have left the building, are you still there? How are things going?
I like your suggestion! Maybe get a place for both of them in the Assisted Living Area where they have more freedom and help when needed. Mom could be with him and watch out for him so he doesn’t take off. If she hates that place, maybe find one she would approve of. Yes, she would have to agree to step up and take more responsibility for him BUT they would be together and that would help Dad adjust to not being home much better!
I just had to place my Mom after over 5 years of watching her slowly dissapear in front of me. It was unbelievably stressful and when she got much worse after falling “again” at the end of March, I knew when she did not bounce back, she was in need of constant supervision. I was already past burn out and knew that I could not continue caring for her on this new level. She begged, pleaded, cried, bargained ( I’ll be good now ) and drove me nuts with the same conversation every day until I finally placed her. It was awful. It hurt me to do it to her but there was really no other choice unless I wanted to die of stress before she died from dementia.
She has been there 8 days now and I still am having a hard time getting used to it but, I do notice I am not as stressed out wondering when the next incident will occur. I know she is getting much more attention and have a more productive life than her hiding in her cottage with me waiting on her hand and foot so she could live in the “world of make believe” that nothing was wrong with her. She truly thought she was fine and nothing I said could convince her otherwise. I am still smoothing her care out with physical therapists for her lymphatic leg and training the new hair dresser on how she likes her hair done. Now I need to find a new doc and dentist that are close by her new home and then I will be able to relax a bit more. I hope she adjusts soon, she did say she was pleased with the staff that cares for her.