I need to vent and you're all good people. This doesn't end with a question.
I take care of my mom, 90s, with failing memory. She is blaming me for hiding her things or throwing things away. Says stuff like "I can't believe my son would do this. My son!" I keep my cool and just go to my room where, increasingly, I live in isolation. Sometimes she shifts to a friendlier state, which can last for a week or so, but I never know when the paranoia will emerge, so I'm constantly on edge. The stress is considerable. I eat a lot of sweets.
There's no possibility of rational discourse. There's no possibility of "let's look for this together;" her attitude is a simmering cauldron of resentment, grievance and baked irrationality.
I realize this is mental illness, cognitive decline, whatever. Help is an impossibility because she has powerful will and enough intelligence to resist anything.
Like I said, I'm just venting.
I've been taking care of her for about five years now, through cancer, heart surgery, ongoing medical appointments, etc., and by myself. I remind her of her medications and do my best to make sure she takes everything. That's been working out so far.
For me, unrelieved stress, financial hit, and what feels like a disappearing life. I have one friend who talks with me daily and would perish without her. She needs support as well, living alone and afraid to do anything because of pre-existing conditions.
Oddly, the pandemic didn't change much for me. Other than replacing the gym with long walks and bike rides, and wearing a mask, it's all the same.
I don't blame my mom, or karma for this circumstance. It is what it is and sometimes I thank God for putting me through this test of character and love, which I often fail at by getting angry. When she told me a few days ago that she might not make it to next spring, my initial feeling was expectant relief quickly followed by shameful guilt.
Maybe I'll emerge on the other side better for it. But for now, I sit in my room with my books, my only really escape, and hope for a way to deal with this paranoia and hate but have no way, honestly.
So as you see, you are not alone. Those of us that have been caregiving for years, feel your pain, but know too that there is light at the end of the tunnel. This too shall pass. And when it does, you will emerge a stronger and better person, and your life will go on. So please continue to take care of yourself the very best you can, and may God give you the strength and courage to carry on.
Vent all you like! Sometimes it feels like there are no answers and we must learn to cope in the most difficult circumstances. It’s hard.
I am so sorry that you are struggling with your situation. Caregiving is very isolating.
It is wonderful that you are comforted by your faith.
Wishing you all the best. Take care. Many hugs.
I too feel like I haven't had a life in years. First with my Father who had Dementia. And now with my Mother. She doesn't have Dementia, but is very demanding and controlling - as usual.
I feel cheated. I do. I love her, but I feel cheated. You're lucky you have someone to talk to who LISTENS. My so-called friends who btw didn't go through this, tend to not want to hear anything. So, I keep my mouth shut. All I can do is dream of a day when I will be free to live my life. Hang in there. :)
I've been trying to help myself, mentally, by thinking of ways to help the depression, and being mindful to not blame (for a lack of a better word) my mother for things that are not her fault.
For example, it's not her fault that I couldn't get myself out for a walk this morning, even though I know it would be good for me. There is enough that IS her fault, but in the end it's up to me to cope.
So, I'm trying to take responsibility for this depression, but it's hard when I am so terrified of the future that I obsess about it 24/7. I'm terrified of every aspect of this dementia. How she is now, and how bad it will still get!
I find myself hanging around this forum a lot. It feels like a safe space where people get it, and that makes me feel less alone. In real life I don't talk to anyone about my mom's dementia except to my husband and doctor. I gave up on my siblings being any kind of support. It's just a lonely journey.
We know what you are going through so you have us here to vent to at any time ( as well as your friend ). I wish you the best , keep on in that strength that you clearly have .
You can make it . You've been a good son, don't forget that and that you are only human . Some people abandon their elders and care about nothing but themselves . Not you and that's wonderful though it may not feel that way right now .
Everything ends eventually . This hell is "now " for you but it isn't forever. Keep that in mind . Don't feel guilt about wanting to feel alive and free. Someday you will have those feelings again .
I know you didn't ask for advice, but may I make some suggestions?
Mom could be evaluated by a psychiatrist that specializes in older people. He/She could prescribe medications that might calm her anxiety and make her easier to live with.
Talk with a counsellor about your situation with the goal of creating better ways of coping with mom's negative behavior. I am concerned that you keep retreating into more and more isolation instead of mom experiencing consequences for her negative behavior.
Start reaching out and create a network of loving, supportive people who nourish your soul. Caregiving is HARD - as you already know so well. I applaud that you are trying to provide a good life experience for your mother. You deserve the same.
I don't want any regrets when mom is gone, and yet I feel that regardless of bringing her home to live with me and doing what I can to make her life better, I will feel regret that I could have had a better attitude.
Who knew that taking care of someone who took care of you could take such a toll.
Take walks, listen to your favorite music, get lost in a book, come here and vent...
God Bless you. You are not alone.
There are many good posts below but I like Taarna's the best. She said it all, get some outside help so you can start rebuilding your own life. Meet some old friends and get away to pursue an interest or hobby. Get outside for some green time. I have no idea what the finances are like but I could not manage without the help of my mom/dad/aunt's sitters. I do as much as I can ( which is a lot) from a distance and make sure their needs are met including coordinating other family member visits. I understand mom is in your home and you may one day have to consider moving her.
If you had a sitter could you work online from home?
Life IS disappointing when it does not go as planned but try to find some help for YOU! You deserve to be happy and have peace.
The best of luck. Everyone here cares about your feelings.
Jax.Fl.
Also know that none of us is perfect and forgive yourself for getting angry and feeling guilty. We all do. Just learn how to let it go.
My doctor warns me not to lose any weight. I don’t have excess fat so I can’t afford to lose weight.
So, it can go either way and neither one is good.
I have to force myself to eat nutritious meals where another person has to stop themselves from overeating.
Some people are overweight and struggle to lose weight. I have struggle to gain weight and hardly anyone empathizes with my situation.
Although recently mocked by my only (and out of state) sibling, I am the only family my elder parents have, living under their roof, often cleaning and cooking, bill paying etc.
And I was really okay doing it. Although it could not have been predicted, and blood pressure can be a possible factor, a couple months ago I suffered a medical emergency: an aortic dissection which is often fatal. Just sharing this to point out that the ongoing stress we THINK we are handling fine, may be having unexpected tolls on our well-being, and that we need to take care of ourselves and have a clear plan about who makes decisions for US as well.
The feelings you are having toward your mom are normal and understandable. I have thoughts I am too embarrassed to share her in re to my mother's well-being. Many have said (she has dementia) she should be elsewhere, but her issues are not so horrible that I can justify doing that. The sibling, who remains both ignorant and clueless, thinks both of them should be put in assisted living, which would literally bring on the demise of my father who, at 103, literally thrives in our environment, taking care of the house and yard. He loves mowing the lawn,and that is his exercise! He loves the neighbors, talking to them, going for walks etc. Take good care....
As for the financial hit, assumption is you've had to give up your job to care for your mother. If her income is low enough, she might qualify for Medicaid. They often do pay for in-home care - not a lot, but ANY time to give you a break would be welcome! If you choose not to introduce anyone into the home to protect mom, they can pay family (aka you) instead. You just have to be sure to pay all taxes and claim the income. Medicare supposedly offers one week/year of respite care. Perhaps you could do some research while in retreat in your room. Every little bit helps!
Getting angry and/or feeling guilt - happens to the best of us! We are ALL, you included, only human. Dementia can really test us. The best you can do is recognize if/when your stress levels are rising and try to remove yourself from the situation before it boils over. Sometimes there is no warning, but when you have that warning, tension building, make excuses to get away, step outside, go to the bathroom, go to your room, whatever works! Outside you can run around the house a few times, to burn off that negative energy! Guilt should be reserved for those who knowingly do something wrong/illegal. Feeling a sense of relief, imagining your life after mom passes, that isn't wrong, it's normal to feel that way. Embrace it, and let it go.
You clearly know/understand this disease and what it does. So you understand why your mother does and says what she does. All too often they direct their vitriol at the person who provides the care. She really has no other outlet, so it gets dumped onto you. For the missing items, if you think you can locate them, just agree with her accusations. Tell her you borrowed it, and misplaced it. Tell her you will look for it, then try to change the subject or wander off to "look" for it.
As for the isolation - I do hear you. My isolation is now over 2 years, but was due mainly to financial difficulty. Mom doesn't live with me, but close enough that I visited often before the lock down. Just when my situation was resolving, along comes this virus! So, like you, my circumstances haven't changed. I was keeping and still keep outings to a bare minimum (mainly groceries and supplies for mom.) I can't visit my son and his family. My daughter works off-shift dispatch, so it's rare I get to see her. I can't really visit mom - tried their brief outdoor then indoor special visits, but between dementia, bad hearing, the masks and distancing, I'm not sure she even realized it was me! She knew who I was before the lockdown. She has no phone due to her hearing and doesn't do online/video, so....
Vent away here all you want. Come back - some may have useful suggestions for you. See if you can find resources to assist you with a little income or in-home care-givers and/or respite. Reach out to former friends, see if you can rekindle friendships (they may appreciate it too, since we're all in this isolation booth!) Avoid talking about your mother or situation (exception may be the one friend you chat with now, if it doesn't bother her.)
(also, ignore Lockett2166. Despite being POA, I don't think this person has done one minute of care for someone with dementia. this is based on posts that generally look like this one, and are also posted under Riley2166. this person hasn't got a clue and generally recommends garbage.)