VENT: My dad has suddenly decided he wants to go to the beach. He is weak, we've been through a heckuva year. Actually it's been five years - some good, but this one really stretching me - so much, it's the first time I've quit a job in less than a year, in part because it meshed so poorly with the amped care my father needs. The thought of taking him - when he increasingly snarls at me and the kids, when I need to transport toilet seats, and hope there's no problem with dialysis (he's been to the center before and it's been fine) is making me sick. Mostly, to be honest, because he's not very nice. He's starting to have cognitive problems. The condo we go to is a favor from a friend. I'm so tempted to tell him that the elevator isn't working - which would kill his ability to go (my husband stays at home - and Dad lives with us) But how crappy would that be to 1) lie to my Dad 2) deny him the beach trip when this has started to feel like his Holy Grail. On the other hand, thinking about hauling all of the stuff, taking care of him, dealing with his snarky comments, makes me sick to my stomach. Plus I have normal mom stuff with two teens and a 23-year-old and his girlfriend. I want to cry. Actually i want to go to the beach without any of them. Help me. I'm seriously thinking about lying.
Thanks for the update. Please update us again when you return.
This is the best it's going get. The good news, he goes to the beach and will have his own space and he won't be complaining about the kids, the condo, the bathroom. I can see him for lunch/dinner - maybe take short walks and it could - could - make for some nice memories. Here's hoping. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the input. I'm still struggling - hard - with anger and resentment. I'll have to reframe this trip by the time we leave. Thanks so much, everyone.
It sounds like you need this vacation away from your Dad. I'm all for the white lie route. To soften his disappointment perhaps you can come up with a special summer day for your Dad when you return. Maybe a family picnic or something similar that he would like.
I told her no, that I couldn't do it. I told her she needed to call my brother and see if he would take her. She didn't want to bother him. (He goes to Florida quite often, so it would have been easier for him than me.)
Sometimes when I tell someone I need a vacation, they say "why don't you take your mother and go somewhere." They really don't understand that she is what I need a vacation from. :-) Taking her on the vacation would turn it into double-duty work.
If you're going to do this, you're right, it won't be respite for you, you're having to have to see it as a gift to your dad. And to make that work, you're going to need help from the rest of your family..the kids get tasked with some of the planning and organizing and doing.
When I was a kid, we'd take vacations to a cabin in New Jersey, with all the same cooking and cleaning tasks for my mom, with none of the conveniences of home. Not a vacation for her, she'd usually start ranting in the middle of the week. So plan this so that there are some moments of joy for you, like a walk alone on the beach, or a massage, when the kids watch dad.
1) lie to your dad about the elevator
2) tell your dad the truth, that you need a vacation from him
3) take him along and grin and bear it
Personally, I vote for #1, as the least harmful to everyone. But you might want to make a pros and cons list for each option.
I took my husband on many trips during the 10 years he had dementia. None of them were exactly a "vacation" for me. But he was my husband, and he was very kind and pleasant to me. I think that is very different than "vacationing" with a grumpy parent.
Is there any way you can do both? Go off with the kids, and have your husband bring him for the last two days (when the elevator is "fixed.")?
Or send all of them so you can stay at home alone.
There is.nothing wrong with lying to save yourself. Therapeutic white lies.