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VENT: My dad has suddenly decided he wants to go to the beach. He is weak, we've been through a heckuva year. Actually it's been five years - some good, but this one really stretching me - so much, it's the first time I've quit a job in less than a year, in part because it meshed so poorly with the amped care my father needs. The thought of taking him - when he increasingly snarls at me and the kids, when I need to transport toilet seats, and hope there's no problem with dialysis (he's been to the center before and it's been fine) is making me sick. Mostly, to be honest, because he's not very nice. He's starting to have cognitive problems. The condo we go to is a favor from a friend. I'm so tempted to tell him that the elevator isn't working - which would kill his ability to go (my husband stays at home - and Dad lives with us) But how crappy would that be to 1) lie to my Dad 2) deny him the beach trip when this has started to feel like his Holy Grail. On the other hand, thinking about hauling all of the stuff, taking care of him, dealing with his snarky comments, makes me sick to my stomach. Plus I have normal mom stuff with two teens and a 23-year-old and his girlfriend. I want to cry. Actually i want to go to the beach without any of them. Help me. I'm seriously thinking about lying.

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BTW, I just stumbled into this - and SO grateful, even just reading the other questions. I feel like I am in a safe haven. Things have been very, very stressful. Just got through a 40-day stint in the hospital with dad, with him remembering very little. It basically cost me a job and broke me from an emotional strength perspective. I have felt so guilty about this silly beach trip - but I have been emotionally crawling toward this respite. And now, I don't see how I can deny my father a wish, but I can't get control of my own sadness and hostility about it. My own behavior - considering a lie - also makes me feel even worse. My dad has heart failure and kidney failure. He's wobbly. I think he's having cognitive issues tied to blood flow.
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Why don't you go alone? We all need time to regenerate and two teens and another with girlfriend does not sound the least bit refreshing or restful to me.

Or send all of them so you can stay at home alone.

There is.nothing wrong with lying to save yourself. Therapeutic white lies.
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gladimhere - thank you. I have gone on other trips by myself. I would have lost my mind if I hadn't....but no way to dodge/dump everyone for this trip. It's been planned. Typically, I state what I need - but I think this time, I'm caught between this sympathy for Dad wanting to go to the ocean, and this fatigue. I think I'm also caught off guard by a rather rapid decline in his cognitive function - which makes me concerned that I would deny him and then he would die - and I would live with that forever. I need help on getting my mental framework ready for this trip. I think the first step is probably taking your words - does not sound the least bit refreshing or restful - and realizing this vacation will not be for me.
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You need some time for you! And there is nothing wrong with that. Plan something now. Find respite care for dad. How old is he? How long has he been living with you?
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I think you have three options:
1) lie to your dad about the elevator
2) tell your dad the truth, that you need a vacation from him
3) take him along and grin and bear it

Personally, I vote for #1, as the least harmful to everyone. But you might want to make a pros and cons list for each option.

I took my husband on many trips during the 10 years he had dementia. None of them were exactly a "vacation" for me. But he was my husband, and he was very kind and pleasant to me. I think that is very different than "vacationing" with a grumpy parent.

Is there any way you can do both? Go off with the kids, and have your husband bring him for the last two days (when the elevator is "fixed.")?
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I'm not going to address the beach. I'm going to address dad's mental and cognitive state. Have you had those assessed? Has he been to a geriatric psychiatrist? Has he been worked up for vascular dementia?

If you're going to do this, you're right, it won't be respite for you, you're having to have to see it as a gift to your dad. And to make that work, you're going to need help from the rest of your family..the kids get tasked with some of the planning and organizing and doing.

When I was a kid, we'd take vacations to a cabin in New Jersey, with all the same cooking and cleaning tasks for my mom, with none of the conveniences of home. Not a vacation for her, she'd usually start ranting in the middle of the week. So plan this so that there are some moments of joy for you, like a walk alone on the beach, or a massage, when the kids watch dad.
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I just came back from attending a wedding out of state. My father wanted to attend but since he doesn't like to drive (as a passenger) as it is a long drive he said he couldn't. Around 2 weeks before the wedding the ring bearer's parents couldn't attend. So they wanted us to take their tickets and fly with my nephew to the wedding. My Dad said "Oh then I'll come since you are going to fly". I don't know how (yes I do) but I just blurted out, "Well we'll have to see if there are any tickets left on that flight". My dad is totally blind, diabetic and very hard of hearing. The thought of taking him is just like "tiredonlychild" - I take care of him 24/7, I Want To Go By Myself, Husband & Nephew. I don't want to make arrangements to get a wheelchair at the airport, make sure gate attendant knows my Dad can walk but it is so much easier in the wheelchair, take him to the restroom on the plane. This is an ordeal. He is capable of going on his own but I have to go down a very narrow plane aisle saying excuse me, excuse me to everyone he bumps into, then show him where everything is, etc etc etc. He is quite loud since he is blind and I have to talk loud because his hearing aids do not help him much. He has severe hearing loss. That's just one of things I need to do for him. He is a person who has always said what's on the tip of his tongue, like "what's that smell" and he doesn't know that someone may be eating something smelly or whether someone passed by and smelled, etc. With my Dad I have to say "I'm Sorry" quite often to someone. So.....I told my Dad they no more flights on the plane. I felt bad but relieved. My son was already coming from out of state to stay with my dad - it was worth our flying him out to stay with Grandpa. I did enjoy the wedding with my grandchildren in attendance and other family knowing I didn't have to check on my Dad, is he cold, does he want something to eat / drink, restroom, tired, etc. The moral of my story is - go ahead and lie. I did for my sanity and my husbands.
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I went through this with my mother. She wanted to go to the beach in Florida. This sounds simple enough until you consider that she has to stop every few minutes to go to the bathroom. Each bathroom trip takes 20 minutes. So the 6-hr drive would turn into 10 hours. My mother wouldn't be able to walk on the white sands of the gulf coast. She can barely walk (with a rollator) on the sidewalk. The only thing she could do is sit on the balcony and look out over the ocean. I suspect she would be back in the room watching TV very quickly and wanting to go out to eat. Within one or two days she would want to go back home, so there would be the long drive back.

I told her no, that I couldn't do it. I told her she needed to call my brother and see if he would take her. She didn't want to bother him. (He goes to Florida quite often, so it would have been easier for him than me.)

Sometimes when I tell someone I need a vacation, they say "why don't you take your mother and go somewhere." They really don't understand that she is what I need a vacation from. :-) Taking her on the vacation would turn it into double-duty work.
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I took my grumpy elderly parents on a five day trip to a family reunion a few years ago. I too felt guilty because they really wanted to go. It was a living h#ll. They fought the whole time, grumbled and complained and my husband and I spent the whole time tending to them. Neither one of them seemed to enjoy anything about the trip.

It sounds like you need this vacation away from your Dad. I'm all for the white lie route. To soften his disappointment perhaps you can come up with a special summer day for your Dad when you return. Maybe a family picnic or something similar that he would like.
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Thanks everyone. The advice is so good. Now. Lemme tell how it went. I told the white lie. Elevator isn't working. He promptly said while at dialysis, "well, book me a hotel oceanside and I'll go there." I gritted my teeth and said, okay. Because this is what happens when you lie, or at least when I lie. Everything instantly got more complex, with more needs now having to be met. I literally got off the phone and stormed around the house screaming in anger while he was in dialysis, because NOW I get to take him, pack him and all his stuff, drive him to dialysis, and drive him back and forth from his hotel, along with our (my friend's) condo. Then I took Xanax - a resentful move, because it's a direct result of being a caregiver and being under so much stress. Then I took a deep breath and booked him a room at a Methodist retreat center called Epworth by the Sea, which is riverfront. He knows Epworth and likes it. It's a ground floor, handicapped room. The good news, after the smoke cleared with me, I realized he'll be okay there (he's wobbly but uses a walker, his vascular dementia doesn't affect his functioning just his mood (ugghhh) and higher level tasks like paying bills, etc) and it's filled with like minded, gentle people who will be more aware than a typical hotel. The irony - he's so cheap with us. soooo cheap. But for this, told me book whatever - I told him the range of prices for oceanfront/riverfront hotels - he said, all good. Book it for me. So I did.
This is the best it's going get. The good news, he goes to the beach and will have his own space and he won't be complaining about the kids, the condo, the bathroom. I can see him for lunch/dinner - maybe take short walks and it could - could - make for some nice memories. Here's hoping. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the input. I'm still struggling - hard - with anger and resentment. I'll have to reframe this trip by the time we leave. Thanks so much, everyone.
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Sorry you had this decision to make. Me, it would have been hard but I may have told him another time. That you really need to get away with your family. Where is the girlfriend? Why can't they go somewhere together.
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JoAnn - the girlfriend is with my 23 year old son, not my 76 year old dad. LOL.
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Tired ... that really sounds ideal. Dad gets what he wants, you dodge the guilt, and he won't be your concern every minute. Yay!

Thanks for the update. Please update us again when you return.
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I hope you have a story of why you're glad you did it and not one of why you're glad it's over. :-D
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Tired only, LOL, sorry
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Hi everyone. Funny this question came up. Yesterday I cried almost all day because the person who was going to stay with mom said she couldn't do it. We are just going for one week for my grandaughter's sweet 16 birthday. I just wanted to have fun with my daughter and get somethings done toward putting mom's house on the market. Telling mom she couldn't go was terrible. One minute she would be sad about it and a few minutes later she couldn't remember why I was going. I tried to get my brother to come stay with her but he wouldn't even call me back. That probably was the icing on the cake for me. I am mentally exhausted from trying to figure out how to respect mom and yet deal with this other person with dementia. I told mom I just am going to make the best decisions on her care I can. Most important to us is for mom to feel not like a burden but safe and cares for.
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Patticake I feel you. I'm really struggling to find the "winning" path. If I'm not raging from frustration and fatigue, I'm racked with guilt because I feel like I'm harsh, or I'm not as giving as I should be, or not as understanding as I should be. And the worst part is the only way out of this is death. Which is not exactly a happy ending - and is filled with its own horrors and regrets. Everything with my mom's last days went pretty well - except....when she died - she had a volunteer quilt wrapped around her. I literally have DOZENS of quilts - and yet, I was so preoccupied with the hospital drama, my father, my mother screaming for water - I never brought in a quilt. Then I went home to take a shower, came back and she was dead. In a volunteer quilt. They gave me quilt. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to throw it out. My aunt told me to wait a year. I did. and then I gave it to Goodwill. And every time I throw a quilt around my children, I get a twinge of such sadness that my own mother didn't have anything. Ugggghh. I did everything - everything - I could - and still didn't get it right. She died alone (with a social worker) with a quilt that wasn't mine. I don't want my dad to feel like a burden either - but on the other hand, I wish I would get some acknowledgment that his presence is work - which he refuses to do in any way. AND as I've pointed out earlier, he snarls. Which I think some moms don't do because they understand the stress their daughters are under. I feel men of this last generation still kind of see it as perfectly natural that their daughters run and fetch and be present and essentially fill in for wives who have passed. I keep watching One True Thing - especially the scene where the daughter thinks she's going to have some "meaningful" time with her dad, and he calls her into his office to hand her his dry cleaning. That's the crux of it. I totally understand you crying all day. I raged for two solid hours, and it didn't come down until I took meds - which makes me more angry - and then I went to bed. I wanted to have fun with my kids in the car, I wanted to sing rock songs with them. It just isn't going to happen. But at least, we'll have our own space. Of course, THEY are now in the lie - because remember? the elevator is BROKEN. ahem. Uggghh. The ugly truth of real life. Hang in there. Your mom knows you are there for her.
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tired, you probably got a lot right with your mom. She knew you loved her - the important thing that was wrapped around her wasn't a volunteer quilt....it was your love. And sometimes people pass when the loved ones aren't there - I think perhaps it's to spare them the pain of seeing them slip away. Be kind to yourself. Enjoy the kids - make some new good memories. And don't sweat the broken elevator...kids roll with things pretty well.
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I took my inlaws on many vacations and know how hard it is to make all the arrangements, concessions, compromises, etc. It's exhausting and not a vacation at all. The last time they wanted to come on vacation I told my husband "No" because I was the one who tended to them most of the time. Awkward to tell them that they were not going but it was the first time in a long time that we had a real vacation.
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I agree, it's not fun going on vacation where you have to take care of people. This even with small children. I aw a couple the other day with a 2yr old and an infant with the car packed to the hilt with all they needed for the kids. Sorry, not a vacation to me. Parents need to realize that children need time away.
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Tired, I hear a lot of stories about people passing when family is not there. When my FIL was in the process of dying all his family had stepped out of the room except my husband and myself. They had all been chatting quietly and the room became silent when they went out. He passed within minutes of them leaving. It felt like he was fighting it until then, maybe their voices were keeping him from going. I don't know.

Passing through to the "other side" is something we have to do alone. We will need to let go of this earthly place and our loved ones. Maybe it is easier for some people to go without distraction. Until it is our time we won't know for sure.

You sent your Mom off with love and she knew that. The quilt, her family...perhaps those things would have made it harder for her to go? My FIL loved his family, I think he was trying to hang on for them. I don't know but it felt that way.

I hope my thoughts are not an intrusion, I hope, in time, peace takes the place of your sadness.
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This is a marathon. I think you do what makes all of this insanity work for you, because you are an angel for doing this. I just lied to my dad this morning too. I told him I couldn't take him to a dr appt because I had an appt of my own. I didn't. But I said that because a) between that appt and taking him to & from dialysis, it would've been at least 4 hours out of my day, and time I wouldn't spend with my son, and b) his dr makes rude comments to me every time I see him. So I asked my brothers to take him. No response. I then hired a care taker to take him. I do feel a little guilty, especially since he did & said everything possible to get me or my son to take him, but I knew he'd be in good hands with this woman. This is a marathon, and I need to occasionally do things like this to keep up my momentum, and minimize the resentment toward my negligent siblings. 3/4 of the cost of the care taker expense is their inheritance. And I feel more mentally sound than I would otherwise. This is how I justify it.
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If it were me, I would have probably got a local place to respite care and then go on vacation. Traveling with the elderly is no picnic. There comes a point that you can't reason with a person who has dementia and they will eventually need a higher level of care. Is it worth a shot to see if he can maybe go to a group homw?
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suzeeQ: "his dr makes rude comments to me every time I see him." Just curious....what kinds of rude comments?
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My suggestion would have been to hire someone to care for him while you're all there. If he didn't care to pay for that care, then you could say well, you know your current health condition makes it very difficult for me, and I would like to enjoy the time away from home, too. Who would take care of him if he didn't go with you?
I cared for my parents (and my in-laws, sister, 2 best friends), for 22 years. My mom passed 8 months ago. Now I'm working on my step-brother's issues - he's in CA, with Alzheimer's. A white lie that helps you, and doesn't hurt anyone else, is acceptable. You have a lot on your plate. Try to find moments that you enjoy about it. I realized my dad (Alzheimer's) was angry and aggressive because he was afraid. Once I learned to tell him "everything's okay. I've taken care of everything," he was so much more relaxed. Good luck to you.
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@CTTN55 after my dads 1st surgery, the dr came out to give me a report. When I mentioned this was the 2nd time my dad had gangrene, he said something like 'that's impossible. Is he missing a limb? No, he's not, so your dad didn't have gangrene.' Well, I had heard the story about his first bout with gangrene, for about 50 years and was certain of it, but when I respectfully disputed what he said, he became very condescending. The last time I saw the dr was after my dads 2nd surgery. He commented that had I been doing what I was supposed to be doing, my dad wouldn't be in this position (more details than I care to write). When I respectfully disputed that statement he got up and said 'look, im not going to argue with you, just have your dad back in my office in 2 weeks.' And then he turned around and left. He was wrong about the details he provided and I knew it. I went straight to his office to get my dads medical records before he had a chance to change them. I was about to get out of my car when the dr called me and apologized, saying he was wrong. I was stunned. I'm glad he apologized but I think he did it only because he knew the record would have proven him wrong. I dont trust the guy but my dad hasn't seen this behavior first hand, and wants to stay with him. This is not completely relevant, but on both occasions I was by myself because my kids weren't available, and not one of my siblings, nieces or nephews showed up for support. Dealing with all of that on my own was really tough.
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Tiredonlychild, when you're there, lean on those lovely Methodists for all you're worth. God bless them and prosper them, they'll take good care of him and take him out of himself while you get some real downtime PLUS no guilt! It does sound as if your little white lie came good this time :)

And next year, God willing, drop him off there while you and the kids go to a beach resort a bit further away!

When is this trip?
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Thanks for replying, suzeeQ. " He commented that had I been doing what I was supposed to be doing, my dad wouldn't be in this position " Wow. How arrogant.
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SuzeeQ, that doctor needs his ears boxed. Did you make a complaint?
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@CTTN55, yes he is arrogant. But not only that, I feel like he has some strange compulsion to verbally attack women when no one else is around. I have the sense that he would not have done that had I been sitting there with a group of people, or even just a brother or husband. I don't know... I've been with him when others were around, and he didn't behave this way. @Countrymouse, I agree. No, I didn't make a complaint. Honestly, it hadn't even occurred to me. For future reference, who would you suggest I complain to? The hospital? He's in a small group of doctors at his office - I kind of doubt they would listen, but the hospital might.
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