You all have it I know or you wont be here. This is year 2 for me and he's not a bad guy it is just we are different in many ways. It is starting to grate on me and I am becoming a very grumpy person. My wife and I are stressed, she has a lot of stress at work. I work at home so I am in it 24/7. We don't have a lot of money to travel and I can't leave him for very long. I can but not sure what the house would be like after. I cook, shop, repair and do all the things around the house, My wife cleans and keep an immaculate house even with 2 dogs.
Dad can come and go as he wishes. It is just he is complaining to relatives ow so I am looking like the bad guy. If I say anything I am really in trouble. It has always been this way. I learned from my mom to keep my ears open and mouth shut. If I tell a relative they tell him. if I tell him he tells a relative. If I say anything to my sister she tells him so I am screwed.
I cant post a message on social media he finds it (sneaky ways he uses the computer). So I am apparently blackballed from the family per sea. It is my assumption but since no one calls now I can only figure that. How do I get info to family that he is not being as forth rite as he portrays? We are all over the country, one sibling and I do not talk (damage done years ago). The other its all about her. Its the aunts and cousins who I guess I don't care but it does sting that I bust my ass and he has to look like the spoiled child.
Losing my cool way too much (it is in check just inside my head).
Do I ask my sibling to take him for a month this summer? If I do she will make it seem like I am asking a favor and will tell him I asked then I look like I am booting him out.
I think you've become what others have when taking care of the aging elder - the target. You don't to draw a bulls-eye anywhere on you, but it's there nevertheless. Your father is in one way or another channeling his frustration/anger/fear/anxiety at his own situation toward the person to whom he's the closest: you.
It's unfortunate that your siblings believe him, w/o clarifying the actual truth with you. But since this is apparently part of the family dynamics, it's a given, not a variable. Try to work just with the variables in this problem solving equation.
And I think the biggest variable now is whether or not to continue to keep your father in your home.
Factors: disruption in the smooth running of your household, frustration on the part of you and your wife, probably exasperation, backstabbing (although apparently not new), and as I recall, some issues with your father's dogs and cleanliness.
You ask about dealing with the family dynamics. I'm certainly no expert or insightful in this area, but it seems to me they've become an exacerbation of what already existed. Is there in fact a way to address or change them, to keep the family members informed, or should you be focusing on the larger picture which is the disruptive presence of your father in your home? What is your specific concern - which of these two issues, or a mix of them both?
I'm one who believes in keeingp my father in his own home where he can interact with friends and neighbors, so I'm generally not inclined to recommend a facility placement. But that time may be near in your situation since your father has become so disruptive of what used to be your life with your wife.
One thing you might try is a communication to all family members advising that you and your wife can no longer handle the caregiving obligations (you don't necessarily need to explain why), you're researching other options, and the first is which of the siblings will allow father to move in with them.
If none volunteer, then you might have to explore another option - a facility near one of the siblings.
These aging journeys it seems often put us between the proverbial rock and a hard place. Neither option is good, so it's the choice of which is the least worst.
Perhaps you could even find a respite for him for a weekend so you and your wife can have a normal life and decide how to move forward.
One thing I have noticed after reading the forums on Aging Care, that once a parent moves into a grown child's home or vise versa, the parent/child dynamics change. Once again the grown child becomes the child again, and the elder becomes the adult. Lot of grumpy times.
My Dad [94] made it easy for me when he decided he wanted to move from his home and go into Independent Living. He wanted to be somewhere where he is around people closer to his own age. He couldn't do it when my Mom was alive, so two weeks after she passed he was ready to pack. Yes, it is pricey, but Dad had saved for these "rainy days". Now he wishes he could have moved there years earlier.
I remember one of my cousins was telling me, that Dad told her, that I never take my Dad over to Home Depot to get things he needed to fix things around the house. Hello... we were just there. Dad would want to go there every day if he could. I just couldn't do that. So he would complain.
When it was obvious we had to make a change, we took some hits. But we hung in there because she needed more help and care. After a while, we just cut off the conversations with " thanks for your concern - we have it taken care of". You get a thicker skin after a while, because you know that you have to make the change, no one else has any reason to.
Safest thing I found was no to say anything to anyone - not to your dad about the others or the others about your dad. Nothing on social media. Your family knows what your dad's personality is - they probably are steering clear because they sense you may be looking to get them involved.
He sits there all day and does nothing. How about empty the trash, put the dishes away, pick up your dogs poo in the yard vacuum all the stuff he watches us do. My wife scrubs his bathroom, we clean his living room (when he is not around). He made the comment once his maid was here (Took my wife weeks to come down from that one.)
I have to figure a way for my sister to take him for a month this summer so we can chill and get on track. Trying to plan a couple days away this month. Not sure if it will happen because we will both be so stressed. If he leaves we have to deal with his dog but yet he wont do anything for my dog.
He doesn't like the food I cook, I made raman noodles with dinner, might as well thought I was serving him trash. The story came out how they are made. So I don't serve them now but yet he wont by food for the house (just him). You get what I make here. Last night I made a home staple (very fattening) of course he liked it. But yet he wont help cook. Its like living as a hotel manager, he has to be called for dinner when he can clearly see and hear it is being made. That one blows me out of my mind.
My stress level is out of control, my BP is high again...... Don't know how to manage all of it.
I guess your best bet is to get as much respite from him as possible. Send him fishing. Send him to your sisters. Send him off to all the aunts an uncles and cousins! I wouldn't worry that they talk trash about you because if he spends any time with them they will know what he is really like!
It's easy to write an answer about what you should do, but so much harder to do it I understand that. He is your father and he is living in your house. It would be nice if he could afford to live elsewhere, but he can't. I do think, though, that you have to work with him to get him to pay some of his costs. And I think one of those costs would be a maid to come in to clean for him once a week. It shouldn't cost that much. If I were your wife, I would have already revolted and kicked you both on your backside. Let him know it's not 1900 again and your wife is not his servant. He'll probably say that he'll clean, but that won't happen. He needs a maid.
How is it he is living with you for free? Most people here know that I have a difficult mother, but even I wouldn't pay for her. She tried that with me one time, but I told her that it wasn't going to happen.
You're doing your dad a good service and he is abusing your good nature. He does not have dementia, so you can lay some ground rules one thing at a time. If he complains to others, then so what? They probably really know the truth -- either that or they prefer to believe bad things. Nothing you can do about them. You have to deal with the thing that is affecting your happiness the most. I know you most likely won't make him leave, so try dealing with one thing at a time. Good thoughts and hugs coming your and your wife's way. Hang in there.
To quote Henry Ford: If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got. You have to change things around to get a change in outcome. Get the bloody lot of them together and tell them ALL so there is no mistake anywhere that you need a break and either they take Dad for 2 weeks or he has to go into respite which they have to pay for if he can't. Moreover while you're at it lay down some house rules. It's YOUR house. he will NOT treat your wife like his servant and if he does he will be looking to move sometime soon. You sure as hell don't ask a sibling for a favour - ITS NOT A FAVOUR - YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO RESPITE - You MUST HAVE RESPITE
You absolutely need it to recharge your batteries and when our respective governments realise the damage it does to carers in the long term then they might just sit up and take notice. Both cared for and carer suffer if the carer doesn't get some break. Grrrrr rant over but stand tall honey and give em all h3ll and if he don't like it he knows where the door is doesn't he...my guess is he is enjoying every minute and loving person every button he can!
He will only buy what ever he wants for food. We buy the better local milk in glass jugs, when his is empty (he drinks 1% that I buy) I use whole for coffee. So the 1% is pretty much his as he drinks a gallon a week. He wont even buy milk now....... I am not looking for him to pay rent. But he leaves lights on every where. I pay the bills!
I know I am complaining just not sure what to do. I can t kick him out and I don't want to. I am just looking for a little 2 way here.
My mother raised me better. Say thank you when someone does something for you. Help take the garbage out or do something round the house, stop telling people how tough you have it here, feed and clean up after your dog......
I think caregiving often has a cycle, one of change as the caregiving begins, accelerates, becomes more intense and often at that point conflict, being overwhelmed, frustration, and even desperation set in.
What I think also occurs at that time is thought paralysis in terms of problem solving; it's like not being able to see the forest for the trees.
I'm speaking from experience obviously, but also from reading posts here of people in similar situations. I had to step back, create emotional and personal distance by viewing the solution as a client problem (i.e., how would this be handled if it were presented to a law firm by a client?), break down the issues and create possible solutions. Then I could be more rational in deciding what I would or wouldn't do. Sounds simple, doesn't it? But it's not, not at all.
Obviously it's not an easy task to distance yourself from someone so close. But it's often necessary, and based on the number of frantic and desperate posters that post here, I think it's a major issue in some caregiving journeys.
I recall when Tgengine first began considering the option of his father living with him; he was analyzing as a businessperson would. I don't see that perspective anymore, and it's not to his discredit. Nor is it a criticism. It's more like an anticipated milestone. And to me it's more of a reflection that he's been sucked into the caregiving whirlpool like a lot of us have.
I too have been through the "I'm the only one who can change things" dilemma, trying to balance what's fair and necessary vs. what's realistic. I won't deny it hasn't been easy to navigate that stage - sometimes it's like going through class 5 white water rapids in an inner tube.
But if I'm the only one who can effectuate changes, then I have to find a way, and that required separating the daughter from the provider to see the situation more analytically. Then it required gradual implementation.
I think Tgengine needs a break from caregiving, father needs respite time somewhere away so Tgentine and his wife can get a break, re-analyze, develop solutions and implement them. He's been a problem solver in the past but it's difficult to maintain the independent thought to do that when the problem is sitting across the kitchen table, and when the problem doesn't see the issues or want to make change.
Tgentine, I hope you realize that this is NOT a criticism of you, your wife or your father.
I didn't go in blind I knew it would be a challenge. But I am from the mind set you take care of family first. My big bugabo in this is I assumed he would have been more ambulatory meaning he would visit family more and go visit my siblings more. Due to financial constraint that is not happening. And the fact that my wife doesn't want to leave him alone afraid something will happen. So here I am in the vicious cycle. He has been playing the victim card lately to the family. They must think I am a dictator when I hear what he tells them. Truly he is treated like a king here. I guess that is why I don't hear from them. My wife and I are going to get some time away. I am going to ask my sibling to have him for some time (it wont happen but I will try). I know I am not a rose to live with. I am grumpy a lot (stress), I don't talk when I get upset (moms trait). Wishing I could take off for a few days like all my friends do.
Things to do this week; Go to the gym, eat better (been trying but that box of girl scout cookies was awesome), complain less, try and focus on work and remain positive......
You say he somehow finds his way onto your computer information. There are ways to solve that. You say that he tells other family members information that makes you look bad. There are ways to handle that too. Keep in mind that most people are not capable of keeping anything confidential. They just can't. If you know this upfront, the information you provide them cannot harm you.
Being upfront and just saying what you are experiencing to your dad and other family members could be therapeutic. I think that I might get some counseling in order to gain some tools to help me gather my courage, face the situation directly and change what I didn't like. You can love a parent and not have them living with you. Sometimes, it's just not the best way.
I realize I am not an easy person to live with. It is just the little things. I have to let them go and move on. After dealing with a large number of family and friends passing in one year my wife and I said "if its not fatal its not important". We keep that in the back of our minds dealing with all of this. I have to remember my dad was coddled as a child and as an adult. He did many major things in life and gave us a great upbringing. My mother doted on him and now it is expected. He will do anything you ask, my problem is I don't ask...... there lies the root of the issues. If I ask I expect it to be done my way so I don't ask I just do it my way (my mother in in). So the vicious cycle continues.
I am planning on getting away for a few days at the end of the month, may go see my daughter in the city or just get away. I will grin and bear it and take precautions. He is planning a week of work with the church that week so the pressure will be off me. I have been trying at dinner to talk more..... it is difficult talking with Cliff Clavin but I move on.........
I made dinner last night for tonight so no one has to worry about dinner (wife has a major cold). I have an all day meeting today and tonight so maybe I can concentrate on business.......
I just get frustrated that he does not acknowledge anyone else but himself. I try to converse but anything I say creates a Cliff Clavin moment and I hear the history on the topic of the moment.
Do I need therapy? I have become this very grumpy person. Anytime something is out of place, said the wrong way I get ticked. I am so happy when I am out of the house, the moment I get back I am grumpy, we bought the house my wife always wanted and now it is becoming a place of tension.
He mentioned he wanted to make clam fritters, my wife asked him to at least turn on the fan on the stove. I don't fry in the house because I don't want to smell a clam shack. He complained he may have to go to my sisters to get strawberry pie because if he picks them we wont make him a pie...... since when do we become his cook? My wife explained we are trying to eat better and diet and we don't make pies .... he has no sense of others.
I get it he is not in his own house but this is year 2.
I am concerned about my own health now, the stress is taking a toll... I don't know if a therapist will help or make it worse.
Trying to remain positive and look at the bright side...... then something else happens...
It is just so hard, when he goes to a meeting we have a few hours to our selves and can actually talk to each other. I am trying at dinner to make better conversation, have to come up with topics that are neutral.... that is tough..... I think the hard part is I no longer feel a part of my extended family except a few cousins. I post nothing about my situation on social media. It makes me sad that I no longer have interaction with nephews and my niece, brother or sister..... We do cards on holidays and birthdays... not much in response (nothing from the kids).
I am getting more grumpy each day. Trying to remain positive. This was my choice to have him move in but really no choice since he was broke and no income to help him survive financially nor the ability to live on his own and really take care of himself properly. Someone said the others probably knew his personality and wouldn't have him move in, they were absolute right. My brother and he would not be able to live together and my BIL does not like my dad so that would not have happened. Plus my BIL essentially poisoned his kids against my dad since they were little they do not associate with him much as grandchildren. I do feel bad in part but some of which he brought on himself.
Again trying to remain positive......
It gets harder every day........
In case you havent figured this out, you are living in a VERY dysfunctional situation. No one speaks up and says what they want, or what they mean.
You asked in an earlier post if you should go to therapy. The answer is yes. Your dad is either developing dementia, or has a longstanding cognitive/personality issue or both. You need better ways of coping.
I can't bear to go on... you can imagine how many people were told I'd moved, or left, or gone out, or wasn't interested...
I've only just come across this thread, not sure how I missed it. Dearest man, you need your father to leave your house and live nearby where you can visit him often and learn to love him again. He needs that too. It is a sad thing for an old man to live with people who don't want him there.
Get your family together for Thanksgiving. Your house, they can sort out their own accommodation, but they're coming to you and Dad for a change. Item One on the agenda: how is Dad going to be supported and funded in his latter years, now that it has proved unfeasible for him to be a tenant in his child's house?
I agree with Babalou that the current communication sucks. You shouldn't need to be secretive about telling the truth about what's going on. Generous and gentle, sure; but not secretive. I know there's your sister: who else would need to be consulted about what to do?
I shop, I cook, my wife cleans, takes care of the dogs (his and mine and now daughters although she is good with hers). It is the close living arrangements. Finally I am taking a vacation. Only 4 days but is long overdue. He is due to visit my sister but "I'll have to see how my money is". Well he can just call my sister for it since he isn't paying her back for the car repairs. We are all stressed. My hope is he will stay with her for a while but I know it will only be a few days. She will take him out and entertain him, while I am the one who pays for everything else. To have a family meeting would be a gesture in futility. They don't care and they would only tell me what I have to do, then promptly tell him what I said. I have extended the olive branch too many times only to get it back broken and smacked with.
Sorry to vent here, much necessary. My concern is therapy wont help the situation. I do try to be nice, try to listen and not make smart remarks. I try to be understanding...... It is just frustrating when a grown adult refuses to be part of the bigger picture. He talks to everyone like he is contributing but, just like when people come over to visit, that is when he offers to help... once they leave nothing.... crickets....
I did finally sell the boat he and I bought, the guy has a lot of problems with it, most likely I wont get much for it.... I spent over $6K on it, dad put $2200 into it, I figure anything I get for it will go into a saving account for when he needs money but I wont tell him about it...... "Yeah, I am the bad child"..........