My boyfriend and I live with his 70 year old mother who has been homebound for the last 4 1/2 years, has stage 4 COPD, (still smokes 10 to 14 cigarettes a day) stage 3 kidney failure, a irreversible colostomy, heart problems, legally blind, has a brain tremor (due to alcohol abuse), is 5'3" and weighs over 200 pounds, eats continuously, has a white blood cell disorder ( going to s blood specialist) when she has to go anywhere she has to go by an ambulance because she "CAN"T" walk up or down the stairs, has dementia and alsheimers. She does not follow her doctors orders, refuses any kind of physical therapy ( she can barely walk, her legs muscles are weak from lack of exercise) all she does is lays in bed or on the couch all day and eats) everything that comes out of her mouth is a negative statement; " I'm gonna try to do this "IF I CAN". She has to be the center of attention at family gatherings ( if no one is paying attention to her she'll create something so everyone runs to her side, then she's fine,) She moans and groans all the time, she exagerrates and makes her conditions worse then what they really are because she wants people to feel sorry and pity her. I don't mean to sound mean or disrespectful, but since my boyfriend and I moved in here neither one of us has a life. She has panic attacks when I leave for a short time, she treats us like we are both "STUPID". She's hateful and mean and extremely selfish when it comes to money. My boyfriend and I are barely making it while she's accumulating $$$ and always says she doesn't have any and thats BS cuz I pay all her bills and keep her checkbook balanced. " I'll pay you back if you get this for me and she never does, so I quit doing it, She owes me enough money as it is. I can't take care of myself (health wise) because nobody will stay with her if I need to go to the doctors office. (My boyfriend works during the day) She goes to bed at 5:30 pm and gets up at 4:00 am and expects us to get up with her. The weekly grocery bills are over a hundred dollars a week and she tells me to spend 25 to 30 dollars of her food stamps. That covers all the candy, cookies, popcorn etc........ If we don't get it for her she has fits and we don't hear the end of it, so to keep the peace with her (even though we know its not the right thing to do we get whatever she wants) You can't rationally talk to her (BOY HAVE WE TRIED TILL WE"RE BLUE IN THE FACE") cuz she's always "RIGHT" or she doesn't want to hear about our problems. We don't know what to do about the situation, my boyfriend and I (our relationship) is solid. (WE ARE IN THE TOGETHER) Its just so nerve racking and stressfull being hear "ALL THE TIME" that I just want to "SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM!"
She may not get into a NH, as they have to wait for a bed, on food stamps, she may very well meet the criteria for medicaid (I feel she's already on medicare), but the social workers and administrators will assist you with that paperwork. Depending on the state that you are in, it is my understanding (as it was with my father), that she must be in the hospital for at least 3 days, before she will be eligible for NH placement.
In the meantime, speak with her doctor about home health. I'm certain she will qualify for that (under the circumstances) and ask to have her seen by a mental health social worker. They can evaluate her (due to the Alz) and her son can assist in completing the paperwork, so that the two of you can have some "time out." It's not much, but it's certainly better than nothing at all.
If she has other relatives, perhaps they might stay with her for a day or two so that you can get away. I don't have that luxury, but it's worth a try.
I would also seek to find out if she has all of her affairs in order. It sounds as if she could pass at the drop of a hat!
Hugs,
Suzanne Hill
Hugs,
Suzanne
Yes, I've done my share of crying and screaming too, even if it's into a pillow.
To the original poster, there's another thread here titled "My mom is a mean and hateful woman..." where the person who started the thread had to get a toxic relative out of the house. It's a bit of a horror show, BUT there's a lot of "how to" in the thread.
Gosh I feel for all the tremendous stress you are going thru with his Mom. Sounds to me like you need a break, a getaway--for a long time. Mom is taking supreme advantage of the both of you and sorry to say this, but I think that the both of you are enabling her, giving in to her every whim just to appease her. Can you just walk away when she gets like that? Walk, close the door and go into another room and blast your stereo system. No need to explain, she won't understand anyway and let her yell and argue with the walls....just walk and do what is necessary for her and no more. A NH sounds like a great idea. Better one person in the hopsital than three--you and your boyfriend and MIL.
Who buys all the cookies, candies, and popcorn? You? If you don't, I know she'll hit the wall, well, let her hit the wall, she can't get up and get to the store to buy them anyway. And also, someone said that she has a food card, well, if that is the case, isn't she eligible for Medicaid and a NH? Is she seeing a physicatrist, sure seems she needs to see one ; get a referrall from her PCP and take her against her will. Let her scream and yell in the car to the air, roll the windows down, blast the radio...but do NOT respond to anything that she says, do something to keep your sanity and your lives. Please do something before you and boyfriend get physically and emotionally sick and end up in hospital yourselves. Stop being taken advantage of and letting her run/ruin your lives.....
She most likely can't help the way she is, or maybe is doing it on purpose. Nevertheless, you and boyfriend DO NOT deserve this. Nobody deserves this when caregiving for a parent. Take back your lives now before something worse happens to your boyfriend and yourself!!!!