I have tried for 10 years to get my brother and sister to help with my mother who is very physically disabled. In the past 3 years, it has gotten much worse, and they seem unaffected. She has almost died many times, and I have been the only one there for her. I have always helped with her shopping, cleaning, etc. Recently, she had a very serious neck injury (chronic spinal cord compression) which made her mobility almost zero, and she became incontinent. I changed her diapers, fed her, did laundry, shopping, held her when she cried, everything. All I asked my brother and sister to do was to call her 1 or 2 times per week to keep her spirits up... they could not even manage to do that! She had the surgery, almost died, but did make it through. She is slowly getting a little better, but has been in a nursing home for quite some time. I am moving her to assisted living near me when she gets out. I have asked my brother and sister to help me many times with cleaning out and moving her apartment items. They continue to ignore my emails, texts and phone calls, or make amazing excuses. I have fully given up on my brother and sister to help physically, and really need them to help financially. I keep asking for help, but they keep avoiding me. My new plan is to do everything, and to start keeping receipts and billing them for each and every thing I pay out for my mother. I am tempted to start billing them for a portion of my caregiving hours just to prove a point to them. I have started keeping a log of exactly what I do, and how many hours I help her because I am not sure they know exactly how much I do for her.
I truly hate my brother and sister, and when my mother passes, I am going to let them know just how much I hate them. I am only being nice to them out of consideration for my mother at this point. I can't wait to tell them how much I hate them for putting me through 10 years of ABSOLUTE HELL.
My brother was quite good at making suggestions from the safety of 1,200 miles away as well.
Again, it's called an airplane or a long car drive, under Federal law your job is protected if work is an issue, they have to give you the time off and hold your job.
If cpabook's sister is so concerned she can get her hiney to the mother's side.
In most cases the sole caregiver isn't doing it to be some "martyr", they're doing it because they have help. They can beg and plead and get excuses. End of story.
My sister has only demanded money from my parents for over 20 years and not participated in their care as they aged into their late 90's near me. Ten years ago they moved near me; I took them to doctor's appointments, shopped for them, dealt with living situations that were become confusing to them. After Dad died, Mom took a turn for the worse and went through a terrible nasty phase. She had heath problems as well as advanced dementia. While my sister did come 350 miles for the funeral, she had been back only once to collect things she wanted from their home. I was left against her with the clean up and and moving Mom (against her will) to a memory care facility.
My sister fills her time issuing me directives as "suggestions" such as to take Mom to a lawyer to explain the Will, or to take action against the home where Mom resides. All where no problems exist. I have told her so, but she comes up with new reasons to try to take charge without actually doing anything constructive.
Like many others have experienced here, my sister is angry that she was not made Executrix! The reason we have no direct inheritance is due to her!
Now she is calling my mother with dementia to discuss the Will and how it could be changed. It only upsets my Mom, so she makes answers up that my sister throws back at me as fact and proof that I need to do this or that.
I am too busy caring for Mom to be humoring a crazy sister. Without any awareness of her inappropriate behavior, she just blew through a wad of money on constructing a 9'3" cemetery monument for herself in a historic cemetery in CT. She has no children (I have two), so I think she feels she will make sure there is nothing going back to the family that she basically hates.
My husband is an attorney and warns me constantly not to give her any ammunition to have the courts intervene. This is so hard! Oh, did I say that she like to bully people with law suits? That too. Thank you all for hearing me.
I have to play the Devils Advocate on this as one of my siblings would write almost exactly what you have written about me. It is far from the reality of it. Now I am not saying this is you so please don't feel like I am attacking you. My brothers never did squat for my mother most of their lives. Only when they needed something did they come over or call her. When I noticed she was becoming very forgetful and becoming a danger to herself and others, I asked my one brother to express her concern about driving since she was getting into fender benders and forgetting where she parked. etc. The only time she saw him was when she drove all the way to the store where he worked because he rarely came by to see her. I did not want to be the only child telling her I did not want her driving anymore. He said he would but he did not. He never even came to spend time with me even though we had no animosity at all toward each other. My other brother is a basket case and a prescription drug addict that I actually gave credit to when I saw him showing up and spending time with her until I found out that every time that he showed up, he had her take him to lunch somewhere, never offer to pay. Always take take take. He never just came by to spend time with her. Now, when it came time to take care of Mom, she had been diagnosed with dementia and she had lymphedema very badly in one leg, I had to step in because my brothers would not. I asked her what she wanted because she could no longer live and drive by herself and even took her to a lovely retirement community to see if she would enjoy that and she said, "I want to be with you." I did not cozy up to her, have ulterior motives or anything of the sort. As a matter of fact, it has changed my whole life. Now I can only work part time, monitor her safety, compression care for her bad leg, manage her whole life for her as she can't do it anymore. My brothers go on vacations, and have their freedom and I am the one they would say is the favorite and greediest. Well I am always broke now because I can't work full-time, and even took a job doing caregiving (which pays very little) so I can care for my mother like a professional and save her $$$! I would have LOVED my brothers to be involved and spend time with her without trying to extort what little money she gets a month but sadly that is not the case. Again, please don't think I am attacking you or saying this is what is happening in your family but there is always the other side of the story. I nor my husband did not sign up for this, it is what my mother wanted. One can only say, the other siblings don't call or come by if that is TRUE, and if my brothers had been involved and cared, I would not be in this position. Sorry if I offended you at all, it is just a very touchy subject to me because they have NO IDEA what I go through every day taking care of her in the best way I can and wish to God that things were different and that we all worked together instead of having a broken family.
I too am sorry to hear that is your situation. I would rather not have all the responsibility nor the control over her finances, that really puts a lot of pressure on me to make sure she will have enough to get her through the rest of her life without going broke! I have a great financial advisor and a money savvy husband watching over her investments to make sure she does well. Also having her live with me and me being the caregiver saves her thousands rather than putting her in an assisted living facility so I am actually looking out for her at my own expense! She was a nurse that spent her life (until she was 74 when I got her to retire) in convelecent facilities so not only do I know how expensive they are, I have also seen how awful they can be too! I could never dream of it. My brothers have made it very clear they are only interested in what they can get out of her instead of what they can do for her. It is heartbreaking after how she spent her life sacrificing for all of us. I do not know how long she will live but I can be d*mn sure she spends the rest of that time happy, safe and content. My job with her will only get harder as dementia only gets worse and then I will have to care for her full time. I dread that thought but we find a way through things and pray for sanity!
LOL! The saying goes, "You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family." How very true.
As you know,I am in the same situation with my 2 brothers and this is very touchy for me too.How I wish we were a circle of care,a unit,everyone involved and helping but every single need or want Mother has is up to me to do.I am deeply hurt because we were raised the same way and we all grew up with a handicapped Father and they just don't seem to care about Mother or I at all.My Mother misses her sons and says so and it breaks my heart.
I have to play the Devils Advocate on this as one of my siblings would write almost exactly what you have written about me. It is far from the reality of it. Now I am not saying this is you so please don't feel like I am attacking you. My brothers never did squat for my mother most of their lives. Only when they needed something did they come over or call her. When I noticed she was becoming very forgetful and becoming a danger to herself and others, I asked my one brother to express her concern about driving since she was getting into fender benders and forgetting where she parked. etc. The only time she saw him was when she drove all the way to the store where he worked because he rarely came by to see her. I did not want to be the only child telling her I did not want her driving anymore. He said he would but he did not. He never even came to spend time with me even though we had no animosity at all toward each other. My other brother is a basket case and a prescription drug addict that I actually gave credit to when I saw him showing up and spending time with her until I found out that every time that he showed up, he had her take him to lunch somewhere, never offer to pay. Always take take take. He never just came by to spend time with her. Now, when it came time to take care of Mom, she had been diagnosed with dementia and she had lymphedema very badly in one leg, I had to step in because my brothers would not. I asked her what she wanted because she could no longer live and drive by herself and even took her to a lovely retirement community to see if she would enjoy that and she said, "I want to be with you." I did not cozy up to her, have ulterior motives or anything of the sort. As a matter of fact, it has changed my whole life. Now I can only work part time, monitor her safety, compression care for her bad leg, manage her whole life for her as she can't do it anymore. My brothers go on vacations, and have their freedom and I am the one they would say is the favorite and greediest. Well I am always broke now because I can't work full-time, and even took a job doing caregiving (which pays very little) so I can care for my mother like a professional and save her $$$! I would have LOVED my brothers to be involved and spend time with her without trying to extort what little money she gets a month but sadly that is not the case. Again, please don't think I am attacking you or saying this is what is happening in your family but there is always the other side of the story. I nor my husband did not sign up for this, it is what my mother wanted. One can only say, the other siblings don't call or come by if that is TRUE, and if my brothers had been involved and cared, I would not be in this position. Sorry if I offended you at all, it is just a very touchy subject to me because they have NO IDEA what I go through every day taking care of her in the best way I can and wish to God that things were different and that we all worked together instead of having a broken family.
so please don't excuse our siblings by saying this always happens. because it does not. some families all the kids are caring and loving and honor the parents and do what is right. i sure hope my kids will!
and i am there
i just don't care anymore
and while i will miss my precious mom beyond imagination
the ONE thing i am looking forward to is never having to have any contact with any of my siblings ever again
a book closed
a door sealed
so ready for that!
Sounds as if your brothers have not learned to support themselves and their families, have no extra for your mom - are used to her footing all bills. That's not all that unusual, but it would be nicer if they don't have money to spare, for them to try to find some other activity they could give, to show their care and support - even mow the lawn, or offer a MD visit, or what? Maybe if you could imagine something that could be nice - stop by for 1 hour or less, en route home from an activity every week with the kids - prepare a simple photo cards without lots of clutter on them, but with clear names beside the kids photos - that can keep mom updated on who's who, in a way she can look at when they are not visiting. have a twice a month Scrabble tournament.... We caregivers can see what's needed, or would be nice, others don't see it so well - I know, they may try not to look, but that's often after trying and failing - they then give up!
My one brother never shows but the obligatory holidays so he can feel like a good son, maybe once a year, and the other brother would come by frequently until I found out he was having her buy him lunch everytime. I told my Mom she can't afford that and it isn't right. After that, his visits became much less frequent. Then he asked her out for Mother's Day lunch and had her foot the bill for him, his wife, their child and her parents. I was furious! The following Mother's Day, he called her to say they would be late coming by because THEY were all going to lunch! Then he started coming by and asking her for money. I finally said, "No more, you are no longer welcome on the property!" It was very hard to do that to a sibling but enough is enough. He had also added that they had recently returned from a nice vacation. They can afford vacation but he needs to ask her for money? I don't get a vacation, ever. When she passes, I will be thrilled to look at both of them and simply say, "Have a nice life, goodbye."
Sounds as if you have been doing what you can - seems to me you should just decide in your own heart, what is reasonable time for you to spare now, and go over regularly, regardless of whether or not they accept your help, or whatever they say later. I'd guess they don't care so much now about your early departure, but they've noticed it gets you triggered when they bring it up. You might just say, if they mention it only - "I was young, I did what seemed best at the time. I'm home now, and glad to be closer again." And try to not say another word. And stay as long as you planned - if it's 15 min, say, I'll go now, and I'll be back again later! - In other words, try to stick to your goals to help at this stage, whatever they say or do. And once you've done what you feel you can, what's best at this time, leave, and work on your own projects. Make those a priority. If you're thinking of a job, take a time of exploration, and also work on your resume. Or a hobby, whatever goals you would have, if you were not dealing with them. It's a double whammy if you let yourself be derailed again - now it is great, you are trying a new way, trying to see if you can manage to have a positive life, while living nearby and helping. So work hard on doing that. Set your times, visit, help and go home, and develop other goals. Then go back. And forth...! Best of luck. I'm a former caregiver and have learned how hard it is to develop my own path, so I recommend that you start on that, build some positives in your life, and say prayers or whatever, to help yourself leave the worries about their comments out of your mind, and do your stuff. AlAnon is a good place for support with detachment!
My sister even had the gall to tell me that when mom died & she got her inheritence she was going to buy a condo. I told her that mom did not have any assets just SS. My sister very matter of factly said, "when mom dies & her townhouse is sold. Then I'll get my inheritence." I was speechless! Who thinks that way???
I am very careful to keep track of every penny I spend on dad's behalf. I used to sent my brother a copy every month. I guess he realized that dad did not have any money left & told me to stop sending the copies of the checking account debits.
I aspire to be the best person I can be, but being a good daughter really isn't part of that. I never chose to be a daughter to begin with - why should I care about being the best daughter I can be? This is a role, like caregiving, that was thrust upon me without my consent. If there were someone else available to take care of my mother, I wouldn't be doing it. And I'd be thrilled, not guilty one bit. What I miss "immeasurably" is the five years of my life I've wasted tending to my mother's needs when I could have been pursuing my own goals and plans, goals that I think are far more worthy in the great scheme of things than making a selfish narcissistic old person's time on earth as pleasant and comfortable as possible. Not everyone is like you. Don't presume to tell other people what matters to them.
It's not you. It's them.