My brother and sister don't help me take care of my mother. I hate them!

Castle, there is no misunderstanding. THEY DON'T CARE. And these aren't "young people", for the most part these are middle aged people.

As others have said the answer you get when you get frustrated is "well you chose to do this"(no, someone had to step up to the plate and those who have a conscious do so), and "they're too busy to help"(yet when the parent dies they manage to show up).

Let's tell like it is, it isn't a misunderstanding, it's an "on purpose".

I think Castle may be right in some instances (that the uninvolved siblings are unaware of the potential benefits and positive aspects of caregiving), but I also think that for most people in most families, the uninvolved know exactly what they're not getting into and that's why they're not getting into it. I think that, regardless of the personality of the care recipient, most of the tasks involved in caregiving are menial, tedious, draining and unsatisfying. And on top of that, many care recipients are a royal pain to deal with. And apart from both those things, there are the sacrifices of personal time, autonomy, plans, goals, other relationships, earning potential, freedom, etc.. It's the fact that you can't stop doing it when you're sick of it and want to do something else with your life. Like maybe join the Peace Corps, move to a cabin in the woods, or become a foster parent. Yes, uninvolved family members tend to think no news is good news, and avoid knowing anything about the care recipient or the caregiver's daily life. That's the part that I find the hardest - I'm carrying the load for all my other siblings, and nobody cares to know how I'm doing, or even how Mom is doing. They don't want it to be their problem. It really bites.

Well I agree that the caregiver despite the difficulties is given the rewards of many times bonding with the parent, the do nothing siblings are only out of the picture because they want to be. I had time with my parents and experiences, many which were wonderful that my brother will never have. I can also sleep at night, knowing I did the best I could.

You're right, it does "bite". And the kicker is once the parent is gone they suddenly appear. The very people who couldn't be bothered to offer any help or even call once in awhile, manage to show up after the parent is gone.

My brother couldn't be bothered even at the end with my dad(we had a great father)to come see him(and to support me) as he lay dying in the hospital for four days, but his ass was on a plane the day after. It was all about $$$$$. I can't get over that one.

He even had the audacity to ask about the car. He had two cars in his home state, I moved in with my parents(and this involved a cross country move) and gave up my car. I couldn't even believe that one, I said "am I supposed to walk to the stores now to shop"...unreal.

I am firm believer that the parent if they have any means, should consider that adult caregiver child be taken care of. Many times they give up a job(as you mentioned earning potential) which also impacts your SS benefits.

But the do nothings who can't be bothered make a beeline for the house once the parent is gone. You can count on it.

This also bothers me too Carlacb...i get so weary of going it alone. i long for my siblings to at least care..ask me how I am doing. They always let me call them ..if i dont call, they dont talk to me.

I would like for them to at least provide some support...even just a caring phone call now and then. I always feel like my parents are my problem...completely.

And yes..if there is still an inheritance left..they are in the will equally with me...even the sister that calls about once a year...she is there favorite by the way.

Peace123 thanks for your note. I agree. The excuses our siblings give for not helping speak to the a&$es they are. i hope that they get what they deserve on the end.

We have no control over anyone but ourselves. Just do what you know is right and you will be the one with no guilt and no regrets. Exclude the ones who anger you from your world. You have to get to the point in your mind where these people just do not exist anymore. Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed.
I took care of my husband for 10 years. He died on advanced Alzheimer's at the age of 62. His own mother didn't spend much time with him and she knew he would die. Screw all the selfish ones. They are all dead to me!

I am slowly getting to that point, too, about feeling all the selfish ones are dead to me. I also am getting to not expecting anything because, like you said, you're not disappointed. So sorry to hear about your husband's passing.

Irishboy....audacity is the perfect word for how these scummy siblings behave. As you and others have pointed out, they don't have the time to come when really needed but when the parent dies and settlement time comes around, they do make "beeline" for the house and suddenly manage the time to get on planes.

Your brother, with 2 cars, asking for the car is beyond unconscionable. I often think, these lowlife siblings have jobs and and families and function in the real world?!?!?.....are they complete as$h0les to their families and co-workers too?
one of my brothers has a very important job at a big company and some days I want to call and leave a message with an assistant like, "just wondering why you haven't called, written a card or seen Mom in 3 years. " I know that is small and petty but, it is what it is.

This is from the viewpoint of someone who's not involved with caring for a parent. I am taking care of my husband and daughter, though. After many years, I moved back to the area where my family lived, to try having a relationship with my sibs and mom. I tried volunteering to help but was told only my sibs 'were allowed to help'. I was told by my sibs 'mom only wants us and our families to help'. So, once again, I was not good enough to help, once again made to feel I wasn't part of the family--the total reason I had moved away to begin with because I couldn't take it any more. My parents never came to my plays, my graduation, my nothing. My dad never even came to my wedding and when my mom showed up, I was told to 'hurry it up--no one came here to see you.' Really? I was the bride. She refused to even help with the wedding unless I agreed to have no one show up except the immediate family. My husband said we didn't need her help--we would do it ourselves and we did--even though my sibs received substantial money amounts, wedding dinners, wedding cakes and wedding dresses. I received nothing except $75 and was told there was nothing else left for me. I didn't need it as my husband and I paid for our own cake, dinner and dress, etc. When I ended up in the hospital bleeding from my 2nd pregnancy, mom shows up and states maybe it would be better if I lost the baby as there was something wrong 'with it'. Luckily, there was nothing wrong and I didn't lose the baby. She is now a college professor in fact. My parents and sibs were nasty, abusive and hateful to me all my life. A counselor finally convinced me it was not me, it was them and they were classic abusers. I made the one last try and when rebuffed AGAIN as mentioned earlier in this article, we moved farther away with no regrets. I write and phone at least once a month to my mother and write superficial emails to one sib but have nothing to do with the other one. I give gifts to her on the appropriate days but as far as caring? There is and never was any type of relationship with any of them. None of them were ever there for me. In fact the sibs at one time or another were very cruel to my kids. I stupidly trusted them. The oldest sib I have nothing to do with was the worst to my kids. When my dad died, my first thought was "well, he can't hurt me anymore" and I have never felt guilt--only relief that one of them was now unable to harm or hurt me and my kids. My counselor encouraged me to have nothing to do with such toxic people that only hurt me and never loved me. Just wanted the other side to be heard and maybe mine is the only experience like this, but there are a few of us that do have good reasons for not being involved.

Herbalizer 77 I feel for you. I was treated the same by my family... I was the scapegoat in a narcissistic family as I see you were as well, my mom and my siblings responsible for the majority of the damage done to me in my life. Dad was an alcoholic when he was young, but even so I'm not sure he's narcissistic... at any rate, when he became ill I agreed to "help" my sisters care for him, which of course ended with my sisters quickly putting ALL the responsibility for him on me and taking off... after which they they STILL condemned me for being "bad" "selfish" "spoiled" and "unworthy". I expect the same would have happened to you had you been allowed to help... there is no way to win with a narcissistic family. They did you a favor by pushing you away... all they know is how to abuse and use...

Thanks so much for the hug and kind words. I feel for you, too. I used to ask myself what did I do, that I'm not accepted but my two sibs are? I used to think I was bad and deserved it. My dad was also an alcoholic and was worse to me when drinking. It hurts to not be accepted by your primary family, the family that's supposed to accept and love you when no one else does. In my case, it's the opposite scenario. For years I was consumed by rage, hate and seething anger. After counseling, that's gone but now in it's place is hurt and the 'why' questions. Those too are dissipating to just accepting what I can't change. I never felt like they were a family or parents. They always felt like jailers and I was in an institution. You're right, I am glad in retrospect that they pushed me away. Looks like you and I had the misfortune of having a toxic family. I feel absolutely nothing for any of them. Just this numbness.

It's getting off topic herbalizer but I researched narcissism after reading on the internet that if a parent chooses a scapegoat from among their children it is because they are most likely narcissistic... and that often times it also means you are probably dealing with more than one--ie: siblings. it has been helping me to heal knowing that not only were they wrong in branding me the scapegoat, but that they are actually personality disordered... sick. That is, it helps at least insofar as to assuage the fear that I was inherently bad and unworthy and deserving of the treatment by revealing the true cause of it... perhaps you should read up on it as well so as to gain a better understanding. Maybe it'll help you to heal in the long run. I am still healing too, but the more fully we can understand something, the better, I believe. As far as dad goes, I did my best by him and can rest easy in my mind knowing I was there when everyone else abandoned him. Peace.

Wow. Mind blowing! I did some research on it too but yours was more helpful in our situation than what I had found. I was starting to wonder if my mother was narcissistic and my dad, well, he was an alcoholic and more of a dependent personality. I wonder now about my one sib being narcissistic and the other one is something alright but not sure what yet. People marry mirror images of themselves so my dad has to have some sort of personality disorder as well. Funny how I was labeled the bad, stupid one most likely to end up in prison and I'm the only one who went to college (later in life as I was flatly told they were not wasting money on me--I'd flunk out) and graduated with honors. Not only that, but the sib who said she could easily see me end up in prison (after we had watched a movie about two brothers where one was the bad one in prison and one was the good one) well, I never did, but her son did. I never figured out what I did that made her think I would end up in jail, either. Never killed anyone or robbed anyone, lol. Also, if offspring have parents with personality disorders, then they will also have one since they were not raised normal and it's not always the same personality disorder the parents have, either. Can be a myriad of any number of disorders. Great--wonder what MINE is, lol. The parents used to threaten me saying they were going to have me 'locked up' because I was 'nuts', after they found out I was telling people how I was treated (I was hoping I would be taken away from them, but no such luck) and it got back to them. That got me extra beatings. Anyways, my dad is the one who ended up getting locked up in a psych ward due to alcoholism and prescription drug abuse. As for my mother, she would ask me if any of the relatives said she was nuts, etc, when I would go visit them. They didn't but she definitely has 'problems' with truth telling and in seeing and hearing things that aren't there, like all the presidents have called her up at one time or another and she used to babysit the Kennedy kids, etc. I must be the only normal one and 'stuck out' so that's why my whole family labeled me nuts? I dunno. My counselor never said I was anything but a classic-case of an abused child. Thanks for your input. Very interesting......!! As for my dad? Well, he dried out and ended up dying years later at home. I wasn't there as we had moved to get away from everyone and I never left a forwarding address because I didn't want to be in touch. My youngest daughter let me know and I did go to the funeral with my kids. But I have peace of mind--knowing he can never hurt me again. I do call once a month to my mother or write her but I never visit her when in town (my youngest daughter still lives there) or my two sibs. What's the point. I had more of a relationship with those I took care of in nursing homes and assisted living and in their homes than I ever did my own parents. I genuinely grieved over each one that passed but never my dad, because I had wonderful relationships with them and not him.

Don't worry, I was labelled "nuts" as well, by my family. Classic b.s..The truth is I was the only normal one... and like you, the only one to go to college, graduating at the top of my class, academic awards to show for it and all... was always considered exceptionally smart by teachers and so on, which my mom HATED. She never wanted me to have validation from others or to hear any positive messages about myself... I have a good job now, plus I have always been artistic, and am now a published writer and so forth which are all sore points with my siblings... they have done nothing with their lives, have no education, not even high school diplomas, etc. It's usually the special one in the group that gets the abuse, and it's true in most abuse situation... including workplace bullying... people are targeted for their strengths not their weaknesses. Anyway, herbalizer, if I've been able to help you in by addressing this topic... I'm glad. I hope I have... Take care. Stay strong. You're not alone. .

I'll just jump in to add how I also was shut out from my family - as I see it, my older brothers enabled my mother - she was alcoholic and so was my father, but because she whined and he hit or threatened or threw plates - they felt sorry for her, and their role in the home was to be favored by her, while they jumped in any time the whole family had to do anything together - so they were the "heroes". I, like the second oldest brother, was left in the background to manage the two younger children - my successes or efforts were never acknowledged - the whole family was set up to prevent my mother from crying, but instead thinking that her home was OK. That older brother ran away at 14, and I've been on my own since 16. No training for the outside world, left to navigate with a message of "good riddance". I have learned in my adult life, because I needed siblings to encourage me at times in my role of caregiver for youngest sib through his adult life - I understood how debilitated he was because of being left out and left behind and unable to keep up so I helped him. I have made some peace with siblings, not agreement over family (except with my sister, now dead). The brothers were damaged in their own ways, fear intimacy, as I do too - but I've learned to slowly build relationships, and let them grow over time. I am finally learning to work on my own goals, and use my practicality to help myself complete some of them.

"There are few of us who don't have a good reason for being involved with parent care."
Yeah, cuz some kids in the alcoholic home do fine and only a couple get of kids are selected for damage. Hervbalizer is doing her part care giving for others, that's enough. The other reason for not helping your folks sounds like a pity party ALL the children of alcoholics would like to have. Those of us who show up only have one reason for doing so much: you aren't carrying your part of the load so we have to.

What I found in my own alcoholic home, the patterns of parent relying on different children for different solutions to make the home function on the outside at least, resulted in some roles being visible and celebrated, others being taken for granted and demanded - those dynamics set up lifelong roles - and when adult siblings try to come together over care, even after years apart, those roles can remain, for they made up the family's coping patterns - only now, the children are grown up, and sometimes giving care is now the dominant need - but the old patterns of devaluing some of the children have been passed to the next generation - it is not easy, and in many ways not intentional, just familiar and only clear focus and efforts to re-organize around real needs for help and support, can make it important for siblings to try talking with each other, so the complaints can surface, and the next generation shows in some ways they wish to help healing - then the old patterns come back again. Sometimes a sibling with a grievance will threaten other sibs with a lawyer, and new conversations ensue, but that's a lot of work.

I cannot count on my 3 siblings either. They are all males. I am the only female. My youngest says because of that - I am the only one that could help Mom anyway. ? Long story short, all we ever asked was for each one to take one weekend a month to care for Mom. We could use the break...but none have even tried to do it. I have a hard time with their saying they can't do it , when they haven't even tried. They do however go on vacations, have guests stay at their homes and yet there's no where for Mom to sleep. When I first asked for help is when I became burned out. Now 3 years later, they won

Continued : won't help because Mom wears depends and needs help in that area. It is hard and it is even harder when families do not work together. It is not fair to put all the load on just one. I totally feel for all of you that are carrying this heavy load. I have gone from a size 10 to a 16 in just 3 yes. Dr says stress hormone and lack of sleep.I have been made fun of by friends and tthey have the nerve to tell me how young my siblings still look. Hmmm...I wonder why

I understand your frustration and hurt, PeaceandLove, it is an unfair way to divide the labor, to leave it all to one person, especially one female, just because an aging mother needs female care. I encourage you to try different tactics, like ask your siblings for money - in a written proposal - that they either allocate more money from your mother's will, if that is likely to leave any - get help from town seniors agency, to look at normal costs of direct care that your mother needs. Then get help to draft a letter to all your sibs, noting that the time and effort you are putting in, is saving the family money they would otherwise spend on care. And ask yourself what would actually make Your life easier - how many weekends do you want off per month - is that the best form of breaks that could work for YOU, to give you rest and regeneration time? Or would that just be more work, and the family could pay you $500 per month - $1000 - some fixed rate, not hour by hour, but a fixed amount that helps compensate for your time given, and also when you are helping your mom, you are not able to work and save for retirement. Maybe they could pay you in kind, like send YOU on a travel vacation, or pay for a home organizer or home painter for YOU. The details may change, but it is important to make a formal, written proposal like this, that documents the time cost to you, and notes how this is not a small commitment but a large one, Compare the cost of an assisted living place. The conversation should help, to at least bring considerations of what is fair, to the surface. And if they complain about the way you care, take suggestions but say that since you are left with the whole responsibility, you are doing the best you can, and if they want anything different, let them step up and propose a plan. All the rest is idle talk, that takes advantage of your living by your feelings, with no expectations of them.

Paula, you might consider whether the sibs who "don't carry their part of the load", may simply disagree with you on how the load is to be carried. If they are willing to pay for in-home help, or assisted living, then why should they be expected to go along with one sib's choice of "parents have to stay in their own homes and be hands-on enabled to do so by their children?" Nonsense. The children have a right to pay for care rather than do it personally and this is their choice, not up to the parent.

I too have the same issue's, I come form a very large family and care for my parents day in and day out. My brothers and sister don't even visit, yes I understand every family has there own issue's but VISIT your mom and dad. I'm not asking for much just a few hours a week to keep them company and keep them talking. Being alone all day with them can be unsettling they do nothing, and don't have much to talk about, but visiting them would give them happiness and a seance of security and helpfulness. All they need is company. I don't have enough to talk about 24/7 I'm disabled and don't get out much at ALL! I do everything for them cook, clean, bills, Dr apt, get this get that, fix this fix that. Calls, hi-gene, etc. I do have one sibling that helps out about 15 hours a week, and I am so GRATEFUL for that. After 15 years of caring for them it's starting to take a toll on us. Both are needing more help and have more needs, what bothers me the most is how can someone just write off there parents cause they are old and need help! We were not brought up this way. Something I read that stick in my head! "The way you treat your parents is the way your children will treat you" This saddens me... all my siblings have children but me. And I see the way my niece's and nephew's treat there parents. It's a sad site.

Rovana, please. They don't help carry the load because they don't want to be bothered....period. I don't know of any sole caregiver who if a sibling offered to pay for some part time help would say "no thanks".

Irish, I'll agree that what you are saying is often correct, but not always by any means. I'll give an example: Mom's golden child tries to lay down the law on what all the siblings should do. Doesn't consult, just thinks he is going to issue orders. Mom can well afford assisted living, but son says since Mom wants to be at home, all the siblings must pitch in. I say NO. If Mom can afford reasonable care, then the siblings do not have to do anything unless they wish to. Mom wants care? Mom can pay? Then kids have every right to say "forget inheritance, etc., just use your money to pay for what you want. But we are not going to do it for free, nor disrupt our lives. You have had a good life, now it is our turn." I see nothing wrong with this. For one child to try to guilt siblings over this is just wrong. Mom's preferences do not create an obligation. If one child wants to enable, that is their business, but don't create an unworkable situation and then demand that you be rescued.

It's an important point that sibs should consider and all accept a plan of care - and if parent can pay, of course they should pay. It's just that such things often evolve informally, but need to be brought to light as a parent needs care in aging. If one sibling can and will live with mom and provide live in or substantial care, reasonable expenses need to be considered, including paying the sib for their time, for something towards their retirement savings - just as someone would pay for assisted living.

What tends to happen so often, is that such arrangements evolve informally, and because it seemed to be just an evolving form of family relationship, that sib who is involved directly end up seeing the needs as they emerge, and so they don't feel OK just ignoring them. Needs grow, and they end up giving lots of their time.

They should talk to other sibs at that point, and say, Mom needs this level of care. If she can pay, then her finances (or inheritance) should be allocated for care, whether it's to an assisted living program or to a live in sibling, likely at a reduced rate, but not insignificant.

The difficulty I found, being caregiver for my disabled brother - is that when I was the closest geographically to him and began to help him, I saw the risks and needs, but my other sibs were off leading their own lives, and it was not possible or was lots of trouble to let them know of every need that came up. I didn't begrudge them doing so, but I wrongly assumed that they understood how much care my brother needed - but they did not. Being far away, as I prevented crises, for I learned how they would set him back in massive ways, and this could be prevented with attention and help - if I complained and demanded help, they said, "What's the problem? He's doing fine, he has no crises." .Of course not, for I was working to prevent them. My sibs knew I was doing that, and they didn't worry, for suddenly the major problems disappeared, as I handled them well. They didn't even notice how much time passed, so they minimized how much was needed and done and for how long, and after the fact, argued about it..

The kind of care and risks and plan should be quantified for the siblings who are not close enough to the situation, to realize that major risks are being addressed.

Sibs need to request/demand an objective family research process to study options with written costs. Informal caregiver should track and write up hours spent in helping, or number of chunks of days disrupted, for it's not just the time of doing care, but of disrupting one's life to be available on call. An elder care professional can help add some reality to considerations of all the siblings, for care costs money, and you don't have just one person aware of the needs because they see them close up, and handle them, while the others are not paying attention.

As children we have often been taught that it's our responsibility to watch and help each other in families. Some sibs take that message to heart, while others either believe it's not a valid expectation, or else they don't know what's needed, or minimize how much is needed as disabilities of a parent grow over time. They need some expert to inform them that crises can be prevented, but it takes attention to see all the things that go into facilitating a quality life for person losing memory, vision, mobility.

It took me years to keep clarifying to my distant sibs, what was needed and what I did, and that it was not easy for me, and that I helped out at a cost. My doing so, meant that they never had to worry. They could have chosen a different plan, but nobody stepped up to suggest it, and what I did worked well..

If it works out well for the fragile person (based on their safety and cleanliness and health and getting to MDs and to some day activities), it's worth making an effort to share information and come to an agreement that feels fair to all sibs. I finally got a monthly stipend of $300 from my disabled brother's funds, right through my own retirement - not much but it's something, and the recognition means a lot to me.

I am the eldest in a family of five. I am female and single and in my late forties. I cared for my father alone until he died from cancer in 2002. This was an emotionally overwhelming experience lasting 6 weeks living with him full time(and some visiting before that). My mother was reacting unbelievably indifferent about what was happeneing and didn't come near him, I had no help despite my siblings visiting often for weekends and they were bdownstairs watching TV on phones etc. and entertaining themselves. It was worse than if they hadn't been there at all. This made it much harder knowing what was going on, on the other side of walls. I was also an NHS worker and also see it as a responsibility to help our parents while dying as much as possible. In addition my father had anger issues and totally changed personality the entire time. He died throwing his hate at me. My mother was worse. The feeling s of being hated were all lifted away thank goodness when he died. My mother now since 2013 has advanced cancer and other medical issues. Nobody was doing anything, not even accompanying her for chemotherapy, so I came from my job abroad to live with her . Her personality has always been down on me and she is and always has been positive toward the other siblings seeing silmutaneaously many faults with me. Much of this is to do with not being married children and financially unsuccessful. However I m very independent and strong and believe regardless of this she does not deserve to die alone in nursing care since she after all has cared for and worked all her life for her children. Now my siblings have so many reasons/excuses children jobs mortages, evening jobs, living abroad with family, marriage to a spouse who dissalows time away form her etc etc but no time left to give to mother. This schedule is created by them and they wont do anything. My mother has many anger issues at me specifically and again I am the brunt of that. I feel this amongst the overall situation has worn down my confidence now. Mum is currently well but I know it will be bad for her unless some people help her through the dying process. I feel very weepy now each day as I can no longer cope with the critism and insults and then the aura of joy given to my siblings. This is getting so hard I notice I am resentful of the caring ,..the one thing I know I have skills to do. I would love a forum or some local help to mediate through what I can do in this situation so my mother is not alone or put into the lowest level nursing home which I have worked in and really would nt want for a pet let alone an elderly person. I have now got a flat in the city and am leaving my mother high and dry to very skimpy secular services. I am thinking of taking a loan to pay for more professional help. Any suggestions where I can find some support ,.....UK responsabile and try to do the right thing but cant do what I have been doing anymore.

I am in a similar situation with myself and ,God bless my 2 daughters and I have 4 siblings and a dad. MY practical advise is call the number on the back of her medical cards see what help is available call VNS if mom has medicare you should be entitled to some nursing care even 3 hrs 3x week. Get in touch with a social worker apply for Medicaid.You cant make people do things they don't want . it sounds like you could try to sue them but you don't have the time. I am looking for in home help myself which I should be getting soon or try your mom in inpatient somewhere. My mom is totally non compliant and doesn't want a nursing home and signed herself out. I am applying for Medicaid and checking out resources and getting some partial help hopefully soon at least for the bathing and dressing a few days a week. I have spoken to my dad about paying outside help or a live in and he skirts the issues. I offered to pay for the days I am usually there and he doesn't want that .I told my daughter you are help not a slave my mom can be abusive.this week I tell dad to stick his hand in his pocket and after that its the siblings. I pray you can get some help make sure to tell them you need a nurses aid get wheels on meals acsess a ride often these are all tied together.

Looking for help for an elderly parent is like a pirate trying to fin a treasure without a map. You follow the trail of breadcrumbs and hope it leads you to some viable relief.

Rovana, I would love to hear your plan when your mom dies. Your brother by taking on the caregiving is preventing your mother's money from being depleted.

My guess would be the do nothing siblings will make it over to mom's house for that.

You also can't force someone out of their home and into an AL because you can't be bothered to help out.

Sounds like "bash the caregiver" to me.

I don't hate my brother and sisters for not helping. I just feel sad and wonder where things went so wrong. How can they not want to help? My Mom brought seven of us up all alone. She sacrificed every day. Where their selfishness comes from, I don't understand.

I am just so thankful that I have a conscience and that I am not like them.