I have tried for 10 years to get my brother and sister to help with my mother who is very physically disabled. In the past 3 years, it has gotten much worse, and they seem unaffected. She has almost died many times, and I have been the only one there for her. I have always helped with her shopping, cleaning, etc. Recently, she had a very serious neck injury (chronic spinal cord compression) which made her mobility almost zero, and she became incontinent. I changed her diapers, fed her, did laundry, shopping, held her when she cried, everything. All I asked my brother and sister to do was to call her 1 or 2 times per week to keep her spirits up... they could not even manage to do that! She had the surgery, almost died, but did make it through. She is slowly getting a little better, but has been in a nursing home for quite some time. I am moving her to assisted living near me when she gets out. I have asked my brother and sister to help me many times with cleaning out and moving her apartment items. They continue to ignore my emails, texts and phone calls, or make amazing excuses. I have fully given up on my brother and sister to help physically, and really need them to help financially. I keep asking for help, but they keep avoiding me. My new plan is to do everything, and to start keeping receipts and billing them for each and every thing I pay out for my mother. I am tempted to start billing them for a portion of my caregiving hours just to prove a point to them. I have started keeping a log of exactly what I do, and how many hours I help her because I am not sure they know exactly how much I do for her.
I truly hate my brother and sister, and when my mother passes, I am going to let them know just how much I hate them. I am only being nice to them out of consideration for my mother at this point. I can't wait to tell them how much I hate them for putting me through 10 years of ABSOLUTE HELL.
Some people can't face illness and mortality - can't deal with the reality that aging and death is not an aberration and an anomaly, and the willingness of someone else to take care of things is their ticket to not facing facts and avoiding this struggle within themselves. They can comfortably stay away...then after they do just that for a while, the guilt of sort of knowing someone else is doing all their heavy lifting seals that course of action in stone. And, granted, there are some male siblings who see it as women's work and suffer no guilt whatsoever. Would any of them respond if they knew the truth of the suffering they inflict, or the deep, ragged, scarring emotions they arouse in the sole caregiver by default? Taking the high road when no one cares to accompany you on it is hard and costly, however much it may be the right and even rewarding thing to do in the long run. It not something you can truly know until you have been there.
Julie Bell, you gave up on this post, which hit a nerve for so many people, for a reason. Not everybody validated your justifiable anger and hate and that had to hurt at least a little. They may have closed ears to you because they know how angry you are and how much you hate them now, or for whatever reason find it less uncomfortable to stay away. Or maybe they are all just really, really bad people.
Two thoughts: one is to find a third party who can get close enough to them to tell them how you really feel and what they really ought to begin to do. A pastor, a case manager, an eldercare attorney or estate planner, a cousin, a family friend...the other thought is that you have made a decision to stand by your loved one, and their best interest should determine how you make decisions about dealing with siblings, not how to strike back at the siblings who stay away.
(@Ino, the executor would not be responsible for the funeral. Their duties begin when the POA ends, which is at the time of death. POA really should be in charge of doing that. You do NOT want to be trying to make a funeral and burial plan up from scratch when the time comes. If you have any idea what she wanted, start setting it up.) One rule is that the uninvolved people shouldn't get to make those decisions and try to run the show when they haven't been near the stage.
There is a fine line between forgiveness, which we may need for our own mental health, and being a doormat. If you do need to ask non-participating siblings for financial support, you might want to go the route of hiring an attorney to lay it out in the most objective and powerful terms possible, without being unnecessarily inflammatory, and use any leverage that an individual state's filial responsibility laws might provide as well.
All I am saying is make sure the door is open to the neglectful siblings to come to their sense and begin to contribute; think about what their barriers might be,and be sure they know the urgency if the time is close. You can't make their moral decisions for them, you can only make it easier and more obvious and clear what the situation really needs from them, or hard to impossible if hey know they are facing wrathful judgement and anything they do will be too little too late and even rejected, while they think they have all the time in the world.
A couple of things, NOBODY likes dealing with illness and death, you sound like those people who use the "I hate hospitals" to not go see the sick or dying family member. Guess what? It's not about what you like or don't like, no one likes hospitals. Other than the corporations that run them.
That is nothing more than a self absorbed excuse.
I also know from my own experience that these siblings that can't "handle" the parent dying, are right on the scene for the reading of the will.
You also can beg, plead, etc. to a sibling doesn't mean they're going to help you. Several people know this as it has been posted.
Also I resent your swipe at males, I as male took care of not one but both parents for 5yrs.
Clearly, you're someone who hasn't dealt with this issue first hand.
I wouldn't be so arrogant as to say you have to forgive your siblings. But your feeling that they are 'devouring' you, your complete condemnation of their motives… I'm just wondering if YOU might find some comfort in looking again at their point of view, and seeing if there isn't a more complicated picture to it than that. I sympathise - a year ago, when I joined the forum, and I can't believe it's a year - I was so angry and wound up that I believed my siblings wanted my mother dead. Even at that pitch I didn't go so far as to imagine that they would actively intervene to arrange it, but I did feel that they actively wanted it to happen. Wanted her to 'get a move on' so that they wouldn't have the bother of thinking about her and they'd collect a nice little lump sum each. That's what I worked out in my head. As with most suspicions, there was a grain of sand to the basis of it, but that's a long way from the whole truth, isn't it?
All I mean is that you would feel some relief if you could see more shades of grey in your picture of them. I know how burdensome it is to feel as you do about them and hope that meditating on it, trying to let go of your anger, will lighten that a little. Big hug.
Maybe you are too young to remember the way it used to be - women did all the housework, guys would do yard work; nurses were women and doctors were men; people with developmental disabilities were shuffled off to institutions and you didn't bring "children like that" out in public; dying people weren't told their diagnosis or prognosis. I will never forget my stroke rehab patient who did really great in rehab but going back to old haunts and old activities was out of the question, he'd had a STROKE and you just stayed home as an "invalid" and that was that.
And no, I was not sure whether to laugh or cry as I read that I was coming across as a selfish excuse-making machine who never dealt with real caregiving. I'm not actually one of the people who can't take the sickness and death as part of reality...it was just a statement more reflecting the way a lot of things used to be done, you know, not talking about stuff and kind of putting it out of sight out of mind as a policy...I was actually the one there when my mom passed on and handled the arrangements, and I'm a work in a hospital. I have watched as the person a sick child needs the most couldn't bring themselves to visit or stay long enough...and yet, outside the hospital there was ample evidence they cared a great deal.
Forgiveness is no easy business when you bear the hurts; one of the keys to being able to do it my life is to try to understand where the offending party might be coming from, what kind of a world view however skewed it might seem to me. I have thought people to be purely evil and found out otherwise, I have withheld judgement and found out there really was nothing but cruel, callous self-servingness or sheer utter laziness behind what was going on after all.
Glonorth, sounds like the blowup was long overdue. I would only say don't blame mom so much - she's covering up the painful reality for herself by making those excuses...sure, its thoughtless to you because it does not even let you be justifiably angry, and it's been a very vicious cycle. Can whoever took care of mom while you were in the hospital be of any help? Can you get a doctor to ask for extension on the electric bill based on Mom's care needs?
His wife moved him into lockdown for his safety. She didn't tell anyone for 2 months..Understanding the time to adjust is okay. Now I see him :) I won't tell him when Mom passes, he won't understand... Don't be angry, know you did your best, and they are the ones who will need to deal with their decisions after loved one dies.
Many men are caregivers. I have run into this before. I realize most are women, but there are many sons who are holding the fort.
As far as judging people, the late great Maya Angelou had many wonderful quotes. One of them was "When people show themselves to you, believe them"....wise woman.
My brother and I were raised in the same house by wonderful parents yet he couldn't be bothered to hardly even visit, never mind offer me any help.
While I agree it does us no good to remain angry because it impacts your body and not theirs(too bad...LOL), you don't have to forgive bad behavior either.
I have company? I was kinda hoping I had the only shockingly disinterested siblings. I was stopped cold by the "clean your teeth, sis" comment.
Dentist, car care, haircuts.....no time for the luxuries that include 2 hours of time for myself.
This is quite a reassuring dialog. I see the reaction to rotten brothers and sister not helping here as hatefullness....but isn't is so much more? I enjoyed being a beloved and respected aunt and sister, I miss the people I thought they were, I have been so shock and sad that they resent me to such a degree.
They have recently broken into where I live, taken photos of my undone laundry and sent it around to all the sibs and even my own children...this is to show proof of what a pig I am, that there may be pathology involved as I am so lax at taking perfect care of my own needs cuz of course, I do so little in caring for both parents with dementia ,etc.
Someone said that there is a kid that is just 'sacrificed' by the others in this process. I was suddenly treated like Cinderella by these 7 brats as soon as I became their parent's hand maiden. (You are doing laundry anyway. You don't have a life anyway. You get paid (NOT)....
Soon Cinderella became "squatter", "thief', "you poisoned dad, he didn't have menigitis". I hope it is real funny someday.....might take a pretty raw comedian
Thanks, I feel you!
LOL
I want to go to that funeral. At the Caregiver Support Group I attend, the facilitator empowers us to consider not going to the funeral
Why don't you finish you own sentence: " I would walk away and______".
Figures you're not a 24/7 caregiver. Another one who doesn't know what they're talking about.
I am no longer caregiving but I feel for people who like me were "tag your it", who got no help, walk away....boy are you ignorant.
Walk away? LOL, do you realize besides the moral obligation in some states a caregiver would be facing charges?
What an utterly stupid comment to make.
This entire thread seems to be a strong emotional approach. Hating the siblings who don't help isn't solving any problems. I understand the need for emotional venting sometimes. But back in the trenches I hope a more solution-oriented approach prevails.
my sisters didnt neglect my moms needs . she ran them off and chose me as a domestic partner . the dementia near end of life became brain twisting - ly difficult . i think my sisters would have been too overreactive for the task tho they were betters homemakers than myself .
so , i guess , dont hate your underparticipating sibs . the parent may be soundly rejecting them in a million subtle ways ..
i have 2 sons and already know which one would make good financial decisions and which one could be counted on in a live or die situation . one is just too emotionally awkward for hands on care , that doesnt make him selfish or worthless , its just who he is .
i think the american common sensical approach to family caregiving is more sound than its given credit for though. if you want to preserve family assets , ( and most parents want that too ) then you step up and provide competant care . if the care is left to the state the state uses up the family assets .
The siblings we're talking about have done exactly that. They have walked away. They have said: "this is not my problem." They haven't completed any sentences, or played tag. Just… gone. Out of there. So what was stopping you doing the same?
We made different choices. I think we should get huge credit for that, but I don't agree that it entitles us to hate the people who chose their own way. And if you do feel so resentful, so angry and so full of hatred towards the people whom you blame for leaving you with only one remaining choice, as you see it, then something is going badly wrong with your thinking.
Worse, how does it help? Ba8alou is right: that kind of bitterness is wholly destructive for all concerned. If you've got to this point then you need to tear up your plan and start again.
Long term caregiving is ALWAYS a choice. Always. Maybe initially in the chaos of an emergency someone "has" to take up the role until there is time to sort things out. But to continue to do it for months and years is a choice. I do not recommend "walking away" without making some arrangements, like contacting Adult Protective Services and/or Human Services and/or the doctor. But no one HAS to take care of a parent. No law requires it. Some laws in some circumstances may require a financial contribution but nothing can "make" you do long term caregiving.
If you are doing it, at least take credit for your decision. If you think you are doing the right thing, be proud!
You should get credit for knowing your limitations, fine. Do you give credit, tho? to the sibling that decided they could serve the increasingly vulnerable old folks?
You do not get how far a little validation would go for our sanity. But you cannot say thanks because you are in denial about the service given by another. You would prefer to think some minimum wage worker at an institution could cover all the bases, maybe.
Do not come too close, you might have to thaw your attitude toward us.
This forum is gonna get all my anger and sadness and fear...so I can go watch Sienfeld with Dad, scrub the bathroom, massage the fluid out of Moms legs a bit and smile knowing they knew they were not alone again today.
We don't carry this pain to them. We are the grown ups i the family.
Is it fair, of course not. The choices were made and thus each and every one has to live with the responsibility of those choices.
There are times I wish I had a sibling who I could talk to, and share these overwhelming feelings [even though I am not a hand-on 24/7/365 caregiver].
Well what if everyone walks away? Then what happens?
My caregiving days are over. I took care of both my parents for over 5yrs.
I don't mind that it was on me, I knew it would be that way. What bothered me is "my brother" would visit for a week(he lived 1,200 miles away) maybe once a year and not even spend time with them. Using the house as a hotel.
Never once said to me "thanks for taking this on" or "how can I help", or even say hey "Irishboy, why don't you go to a movie and lunch, I am here"...Nada.
My mom went first, dad a year later. My brother couldn't be bothered to come see our father as he lay dying for 4 days, but his ass was on a plane the day after he died concerned about his cut.
I knew he would behave badly, but he OUTDID himself.
Including going over to the local bank and demanding information on accounts(which had nothing to do with his cut, and as anyone with a brain knows a bank won't release any info if you're not on the account).
You couldn't have asked for better parents than we had, so there is no reason other than his own selfish behavior.
Do I go around thinking of him everyday or letting it tear up my insides, absolutely not, that would do me no good. In fact other than on here I don't discuss him. Friends and family(he bothers with no family)know not to bring his name up to me.
But if you think I want any contact with him or forgive him, I don't. I want no contact going forward.
In case you're not aware of this, it is quite common that once the parent/parents are gone there is no contact between the adult child caregiver and the do nothing siblings.
BTW, nice way for you to attack caregivers. I suspect you're not one.
How dare you tell people how to act.
A choice I made and would do again, but I am not going to stand by(this isn't directed at you) and have someone tell me or others you don't have a reason to resent a sibling/siblings who does/did nothing.
I miss my parents, everyday. But the one thing I don't have is guilt, I know I did the best I could have done. I sleep at night.
But I am not going to let comments attacking caregivers and giving passes to do nothing siblings go by and not speak up.
I know SO MANY people(myself included) who got no help, but let me tell you, they manage to show up for the reading of the wlll.
This is what devotion looks like.
It is rich but the challenges of it leave few safe places to vent and feel that someone gets it. The number of hits on this blog are evidence enough, we need a safe place to relieve our pains and sorrows, too.