I have tried for 10 years to get my brother and sister to help with my mother who is very physically disabled. In the past 3 years, it has gotten much worse, and they seem unaffected. She has almost died many times, and I have been the only one there for her. I have always helped with her shopping, cleaning, etc. Recently, she had a very serious neck injury (chronic spinal cord compression) which made her mobility almost zero, and she became incontinent. I changed her diapers, fed her, did laundry, shopping, held her when she cried, everything. All I asked my brother and sister to do was to call her 1 or 2 times per week to keep her spirits up... they could not even manage to do that! She had the surgery, almost died, but did make it through. She is slowly getting a little better, but has been in a nursing home for quite some time. I am moving her to assisted living near me when she gets out. I have asked my brother and sister to help me many times with cleaning out and moving her apartment items. They continue to ignore my emails, texts and phone calls, or make amazing excuses. I have fully given up on my brother and sister to help physically, and really need them to help financially. I keep asking for help, but they keep avoiding me. My new plan is to do everything, and to start keeping receipts and billing them for each and every thing I pay out for my mother. I am tempted to start billing them for a portion of my caregiving hours just to prove a point to them. I have started keeping a log of exactly what I do, and how many hours I help her because I am not sure they know exactly how much I do for her.
I truly hate my brother and sister, and when my mother passes, I am going to let them know just how much I hate them. I am only being nice to them out of consideration for my mother at this point. I can't wait to tell them how much I hate them for putting me through 10 years of ABSOLUTE HELL.
My Mom's been with us for 12yrs! When she first moved in she was without dementia. My children were in grade school. Since then they graduated from College and have student loans galore. I don't, know about you but most of us have to work outside of the home. If we are not it is a financial burden having our parents with us 24/7. Now that my Mom is 91 with dementia I can not work and trying to pay their loans, mortgage,etc is another burden.
You have no idea what we all have to endure by having our parents with us, especially without sibling support.
I will do that
kind regards
Now that my mom is terminally ill with cancer, completely deaf, and partially blind (completely blind in one eye, and she has macular degeneration in the other eye), and has no money to give away, my sister seldom comes over to see her, and never offers to help me with anything.
I take my mom to all of her numerous doctor appointments, fill her prescriptions, feed her, order her supplies, do her laundry, clean, etc.. I also take care of her two cats that she is no longer able to care for.
If I ask my sister for help, she either screams at me, makes up an excuse, or pretends her phone battery died. My sister has a very active social life, and today had a big bar-b-que at her house. I only know about it because she and her friends posted all about it with photos on facebook.
The time before my mom's most recent hospitalization, my sister decided to take a trip the same day I took my mom to the emergency room and she ended up being admitted. I knew all about the trip because I saw the play by play of her bar hopping morning, noon, and night on facebook the entire week I was running back and forth to visit with my mom at the hospital.
I did not choose to be the one to care for my ill mom, but I am thankful she has me to care for her. I am incredibly angry and resentful towards my sister who chooses to party and rub it in my face, rather than helping share the responsibility. It's very easy to make excuses and delude yourself into thinking that someone else chose to be the one, but it's a very heavy and depressing burden to bear alone.
Maybe they are selfish? Many of us are.....if we have the opportunity to avoid a distasteful situation most of will especially if we know someone else will take of the problem competently.
Obviously you are the strongest, most reliable, most trustworthy person in the pack so you did what leaders do.You stepped in and took over.
If you can satisfy yourself with the thought that one day they will be in the position your mother is now.
What hurts me the most is that they are unwilling to give up ANYTHING in their lives...but expect me to give up EVERYTHING. My brother even thinks i should give up my job, move to the remote area my parents are in to be there full time caregiver.. without ANY help of course because you can't even hire help in that area. Then he says...well.. i thought you enjoyed being with them? Visiting them when they were younger and independent and caregiving are 2 separate things...
I also have a lot of resentment.. and I fear I will lose my relationship with my siblings..leaving me with no family once my parents are gone. I'm not sure how to handle keeping a relationship with them.. knowing that they reallly aren't going to be there for me ..or my parents. I don't like knowing how much they are not there for me..lol.
I do think in their mind they say.. well.. Katie doesn't mind not having her own life or being free or going on vacations .. etc. Its easier somehow for her to give up these things.. but.. not them.
i took the best care of one elder , when mother died i hopped in with her 90 yr old sister. i know what im talking about . im a g - d man , screw the selfish losers..
I have finally given up asking for help. I couldn't even get help when I had breast cancer and went through chemo and radiation last year.
I have decided when my mother passes there will be no big service. There will be a small grave side service with no lunch after. There is no way I will let my siblings grieve over my mother when she dies when they refused help when she was alive. She receives no visits or calls from 3 out of 4 children and the 4th only visits once every two months out of guilt.
I've try the "just move on" attitude but then something comes up and I am unable to spend time outside of my house with my own child or have them over .It pisses me off!! I can't even enjoy their time hear because I have Mom to deal with. For the last 2 years I would have them come to me because it's easier than leaving here, but now coming here is more stressful for both Mom and me..
I just want to cry! I can't even have my kids over but my siblings can go away for weekends and do whatever they want, whenever they want...
So I've decided I'm not looking the other way and I will continue to talk smack about them, if only to myself..
Don't get me wrong I still talk smack about them. Lol. They deserve everything they get! I have just learned to accept the fact they won't help. I still get upset over things like you said with seeing my siblings having lives and going away without a care in the world. If I go away I worry about my mom and call her every day. My time away is never as relaxing as I fantasize about because of the worry.