My brother and sister don't help me take care of my mother. I hate them!

I can totally relate to your disdain for your siblings. I was telling a friend, just today, how badly my 2 sisters are gonna feel when my mom passes away. They will probably be the loudest ones in the church, crying and sobbing, trying to jump in the casket, and doing all the other foolery that goes on at funerals, when they know that they've not contributed anything to my mom's health and wellbeing.
I just read another post that affirmed that we caregivers don't volunteer or sign up for this role- which is what I've always thought- but rather we are "chosen" to take care of our loved ones and to make their last moments here on earth peaceful and memorable. That shed a different light on the whole "caregiver" role for me. Your siblings are the ones that are losing out because in the end you can rest assured, knowing that you loved and cared for your mom as best as you could.
As far as the financial support, if you were to bill your brother and sister, are you sure you'll be able to collect? If they don't return emails and phone calls, I'm almost certain that they'll ignore your request for reimbursement. I would suggest maybe trying your local Social Services office to see if there's any financial support that you and your mom may qualify to receive. It's worth a try... I can only imagine what you're going through. Be encouraged.

I am amazed at what happens when it comes time to care for elderly parents OR a parent dies. Even in the "best" of families, I see the "worst" of behavior. Those parents raised every child in the family yet it usually falls on the shoulders of one child and many times not by their choice. How do the the slacker sibs sleep at night?
I'm sorry you've had to endure this fiasco, JulieBell and rosey, and add me to the list. The resentment simmers. I didn't wait until mom died, I let my sis know I hated her when I got ready to explode. Of course, she hasn't talked to me in 4 yrs, doubt she ever will. She never helped with our mom, never spent a dime so I should be the one not talking to her. Could it be guilt on her part?
If I were you, I'd try to get help elsewhere just to save your nerves. Your sibs aren't going to step up and billing them will probably hack 'em off. But if it makes you feel better, send them a list of expenditures, who knows, it might wake them up! I just hate to see you spin your wheels, you're under enough stress.
Just remember, you can't make your sisters care or participate, unless you decide to sue them and that opens up a can of worms you do not want to put on your plate. Your sisters have to live with their muddied up consciences. Yours is clear, you can sleep at night knowing you are doing the best you can for your mom. I wish you the best.

I read somewhere that foregiveness is a gift we give ourselves. Allowing resentment and hate in our minds and hearts, just allows someone else to take up space when you know they aren't giving you a thought.

I know it sounds pollyanna but all those bad feelings can make you physically ill while the worthless ones go about their life as happy as can be. Be better to yourself than that!

You sound like my sister. When she was living with mom (read mooching off her) she would post nasty things on facebook about how everyone else should visit x amount of times (whatever she thinks the correct number is). How 'so and so' was not welcome at the funeral, if you drove within a mile of the house, you should stop and visit, etc. You get the idea. You've got to understand, you made the decision to care for your mother. You are the only one you can control.

Hopefully, you are doing a better job than my sister. I finally had to pull mom out of her own home to protect her. I can tell you from being on the opposite side of vitriol, that many times there is a reason. I did not visit as often as my sister 'thought' I should because it was a long drive and gas is expensive. When I did visit I had to do the laundry, including piles of nasty underwear because she wouldn't enter mom's room because it was so dirty. When I hired help for the cleaning she accused me of not wanting to visit. I choose not to provide Mom's care, so when I visit I don't want to spend the whole time cleaning up after mom and sis. She didn't care about that. She thought it didn't matter that we had discouraged her from moving in with mom. Mom had lived with us previously and we knew how hard it was. She was convinced she could handle it. I hope you really are 'being nice' but from my experience, I find that hard to believe.

Now that mom is safe and away from her and mom's money is no longer at her disposal, she won't visit or call. I don't hate her. I am afraid of her and for her. Mom is better off without her. There was constant drama and chaos. She hates everyone and will end up alone. When you are consumed by hate you cannot be taking care of yourself or anyone else.

I know I'll get hammered by people that think they are doing too much and everyone else should dance to their tune. I think I'm doing too much, but I know my limits and I cannot do more. I wish both my sisters and the nieces and nephews would visit more or at all, but I can't control them. When mom cries because she's lonely, it's just part of the disease and partly she brought it on herself, by being mean and manipulative her whole life. I don't hold it against her because she's helpless now, but some of the family does.

Sending them a bill will only make you feel, well I'm not sure what you'll feel, satisfaction maybe, then more anger because they are not financially responsible for you or their mother. You may not like that but that is the truth. Morally they should honor their mother, but other people don't get to decide how they do that. As long as they aren't stealing from her, it is no one else's business. They are morally obligated to care for their families first. I know that their mom is in the family, but she is not their responsibility. If you choose to make her your responsibility, then embrace it and live it, but you can't expect others to meet your expectations and have peace.

Each person in a family gets to make their own decisions about what they are going to do for or with their parents. Your siblings have made it very, very clear what their decisions are. They want no part of helping, in any way. You've been getting this message for ten years. I think it is time for you to accept it. Look for your help elsewhere. It is not coming from them. And since I don't know the background or their reasons, I'm not judging them. Maybe they are selfish. Maybe they were abused. I sure don't know. But what I know is that for you to keep up the idea that they might help is futile. Ain't gonna happen.

They do not owe you or your mother for money you have spent on Mother, unless they agreed in advance to contribute financially. And even if they did agree, they could change their minds. Don't waste the stamp sending them receipts.

If mother does not have enough money for her own care, apply for assistance for her. Call your county's Social Services and ask for a needs assessment for Mother. It is likely they will recommend applying for Medicaid, and/or they may have other resources to suggest to you.

It is time to turn your attention and efforts toward a source that can actually help, and stop wasting time on what you wish your brother and sister would do. Wishing won't make it so. Contacting the right agencies will get results.

Hang on to your hate if you want to. Sounds like you are entitled to it. (Although I suspect it will hurt you and your siblings won't be troubled by it at all.) But please accept that you have to do something to get help besides trying to control the decisions your siblings make. You have plenty of evidence that isn't going to happen. Move on to more productive efforts.

Everyone agrees on the basic premise; you can't force your siblings to help. Give it up. Live your life without them. Find outside sources for a support team. I am one of 7 siblings. I have a sibling Helen, who is wonderful. She gives me 2 days a week to myself. I got this respite because she walked in as I was crying. I frankly told her I don't think I can do this anymore. I must have scared her, because both she and my brother have been very supportive lately.

I have 2 sisters I hated. It tore me up inside because I want to be a loving person, not the bitter vindicative b*tch I was becoming. They give no help, rarely visit. I asked the therapist how they can be this way. He said they tell lies to themselves. I have decided rather than hate, I will have no interaction with them. They can tell any lies they want, to be able to look themselves in the mirror, but in my eyes they are scum. I don't like them, if they weren't family I would have no dealings with them, so now I don't. I haven't got to a loving acceptance, but I feel so much better. Better yet, I have jolted them out of their Lady Bountiful, Dad needs no help, Kathy can handle anything, fantasy. I feel great, and they don't get any reinforcement reward for their neglect.

Here are the guidelines Don't interact with them. Accept no calls, block emails, walk out when they come into the room. Say nothing bad about them to anyone.

I am working hard on not saying anything bad about them, but I feel free of hate, at peace with myself.

I find it fascinating how those siblings who are not the caregivers of the aging parent(s) always say that the sibling who is the caregiver "chose" to be the caregiver. This is the way they relinquish their guilt because they are weak individuals who don't have what it takes to live with and care for the person(s) who gave them life and raised them. They cannot bear to watch their parents deteriorate so they convince themselves that the sibling that stepped up to the plate and cares for the parent as best as possible did so because they WANTED to. No .. we are not caregivers because we want to put our lives on hold, have no social lives, and walk away from our own homes for a few years, we are our parents caregivers because we want our parent's remaining time on this earth to have some respect and dignity. So for all you siblings who want to sit at home living your life, convincing yourself that the sibling who is looking after your parent CHOSE to do so, trust me.. your parent knows who the child is that is looking after them during their final years and months on this earth, they also know who isn't there, and THAT is what YOU will have to live with for the rest of your life. For those of us that are the caregivers, we will be able to live the rest of our lives knowing we have nothing to feel guilty for and we did our very best.. and with love.

I am constantly amazed how so many people can come up with the caring ideas to help so many of us. Kudos to all of you.
My family lived in the Midwest when my Mom was elderly. I have a sister who lived near her in the east and who resented her care giver role. As the sibling who wasn't there for her I felt badly - but was not included in my 2 sisters plans for her. My fault? Probably - but being the youngest of we three, I simply was excluded. After my sweet mom passed on, my one sister made it clear that she had been stuck with our mother - which I knew from some of the comments my mom would make to me. It's been 30 plus years since she died and honestly, I still remember the hurt I felt when I was reminded that I was not there and therefore should go back home. I guess my point is -- sometimes things are not what they seem. Each of us had our own guilt - deserved or not - that we need to deal with. (Never end a sentence with a preposition!)

I have to do what makes me feel good about myself. I've wasted too many hours angry at my siblings. I have chosen to move on. They have to live with there choose of not contacting our Mom, not me.

This topic is so close to home. Sigh. I offered to "help" my mother when she was 64, and I took my youngest brother from home to help him enter the adult world. He was born when Mum was 44, with developmental disabilities. I had received help myself, and had overcome some habits of isolation, and thought I could teach my brother, and I offered to try, not even sure that my mother would FINALLY see me (the neglected outcast child) as "grown up" enough to be trusted with the responsibility. My mother was no fool: she put my brother on the next bus headed towards me, and I held the responsibility for him for the next 40 years!!

We have so many mixed reasons why we help, and truth is, I enjoyed helping him, even if it cost me. My other siblings wanted nothing to do with me, because they felt judged when my explanations of my struggles were emotional. When they had different ideas on how care should be given, they accused me of not understanding "teamwork" - but they did not understand that the person closest to the situation, who plans the basic care, needs to have a leading voice in care planning - all others are essentially backseat-drivers. It is important and often valuable to listen to them, but the person doing the daily work, needs to have a prominent voice. This role often changes historic roles between siblings from the past, and it is confusing for all to adjust, including the caregiver sib. I had to learn to communicate and changed a lot and am grateful, many issues are improved. YES: SEND the receipts and keep copies. You may or may not get reimbursed, but you will know you communicated - and if you don't keep track, it is much worse to try later to explain all you did,. So keep them in the loop. When you can, try to say some nice things too. I learned over the years, to find value in other ways with my sibs, because arguing over care is like arguing over a family business: not as simple as many expect. Our society became much more mobile in the last half century, and many sibs remember days when neighborhoods were more stable and elders didn't live so long, so issues were not so isolating for many years, as today.

And many distant sibs think that professionals can replace family, but our professional system is fragmented, and care quality varies by year, by place, and the challenge is to coordinate to address all needs in a coherent way.

My family finally - after years of my shouting and crying, arranged to send me a monthly stipend from the estate, and I'm grateful for the increased goodwill. I use some for me, and some for my brother, and he is now safe at least in a nursing home, but his needs for community related to his age are missing. I now used the stipend to finally hire a Geriatric Care Manager to help me worry less, and I am just now making plans to send my siblings her monthly reports and her bills, and request a bit higher amount to include this. So, keep trying, try to drop the expectations for results, but express the judgments and the ideas of how it should be. Keep track of what you do, and eventually, the record will form a more solid background for future discussion, and maybe save your relationship with your sibs when the parent is gone.

There is a difference between resenting siblings that dump all caregiving on the one sibling, and resenting caringgiving to a wonderful parent. I feel gratitude that I am able to give my Dad back some of the love and care he lavished on me. I resent siblings who waltz in every two months for a 15 minute visit, and believe they are pitching in to care for Dad. My sister mary had a ten week vacation. i begged her for a few days off. she couldn't be bothered. Her schedule was jam packed going to the shore, upper penisula of Michigan, and California. Your d*mn right she will be excluded from any decision making, her choice.

Hi am in same situation! You are wasting your time! Move on forgive them care for your mum as best you can they will be sorry when shes gone and you will have peace. I have made myself ILL by hating them its not worth it. I just do what I can and dont engage them anymore as why should i if they cared theyd help out. Get on with your life and make yourself happy they will have to live with this for the rest of thier lives you wont!! xx

On second thought I think it makes ME feel better to say that my siblings have to live with their choices, but reality is they won't have any regrets. It just makes me feel better to think they might.

I think siblings will have regrets. One they lost their parent. Two they lost a wonderful loving sibling, who refuses to be with negative selfish people such as they. Three they will not have the love and esteem from grandkids that you will, for doing the back breaking, heart wrenching, gut twisting work of caring for a loved one. People see our efforts, people know who matters, and who doesn't. Fourth, you don't get this time spent with your Dad or Mom back. They lose all around.

I understand how you feel. The stress of dealing with siblings that do not help out almost doubles the stress levels of the siblings that are doing all of the work. It is not like a job, for example working in an office, where if one person is slacking off, they can be reported, and possibly fired. I can honestly say that it is the most on-going frustrating experience I have ever gone through. My belief is that the siblings that do not help out simply do not care. Actions speak louder than words, and if they aren't visiting/helping, etc., they probably don't care.

For whatever reason - it seems that ONE child - or one child's mate - will be THE caregiver. And it is far too easy for the other siblings to 'sacrifice' that person to their parent's care - and absolve themselves of ANY responsibility for their parent's care or any responsibility to provide respite for the care giver. In our case, the parent treats all the kids equally - sold the farm and gave them 'their share' of the money long ago. It bothered us a LOT for a LONG TIME - but anger is an insidious, hurtful, non productive emotion and it hurts US the most. I had to have a 'break down' before I realized that it is up to ME to change how things are - that I should KNOW BY NOW that there will be NO HELP from the sibling ranks. So, the changes came from ME - in how I chose to handle this care giving business.

Since the siblings are 'off the hook' so to speak - I have given myself permission to be 'off the hook' as well. I have decided that when the time comes again for 'round the clock, one on one care giving' - the kind that includes butt wiping and bathing and feeding and wheelchairs and 24/7 on call duty sleeping on her couch - when that day comes she will go to the nursing home when they dismiss her from the hospital. She will not come back here.

This decision - even though I have not actually DONE IT - has given me some emotional freedom. I have already FORGIVEN MYSELF FOR THINKING IT and for what will come when I follow through with the decision in future. I firmly believe that if the sibs feel NO GUILT for their neglect - then I certainly should feel NO GUILT for 8+ years of care giving. The sacrifice of the last GOOD years of my life. My future years will not be nearly as good 'health wise.' It happens to us all :0(

I no longer ask or expect ANYTHING AT ALL FROM T HE SIBS. And when mom dies - I will have no reason at all to bother with them. Mom is the ONLY reason they ever visit and that is only once every year or two for a few hours. So, they have told us 'loud and clear' that we mean nothing to them - even without actually saying it. We have accepted it and moved on. We do what we know we should and will for as long as possible and then it's done. I have finally let the 'hate' go and I feel much better inside. Get your help elsewhere and it there is not enough help - it's time for the Asst. Living facility or NH.

I know exactly what you are going thru. Then she puts on her FAKE PERSONALITY if and when they EVER CALL HER! Oh Im fine. All is fine. They ONLY CALL HER WHEN I CRACK!!!

@assandache - I think you are right - your sibs won't have any regrets. When mother dies, my sis will be pleased that she has gotten away without doing much. I know that is how she is. I am not afraid to ask her to do things occasionally, but accept the reality that she has no intention of doing much. I have changed my expectations of her. I expect trouble and am rarely disappointed, and I don't expect help and am rarely surprised.

@Julie - the hate only hurts you, not them. I know it is easier to say that than to get rid of the hate, but it is true. They don't seem to care. I agree with those who suggest looking to other sources for help - financial and otherwise. You have two problems here. One is your feelings towards your sibs, and it may be good to get some help dealing with those (therapy) and one is your need for financial and physical help. If you could separate those issues, it would be helpful to you. It is good to keep records of your time and costs - that may pay off at some point. I don't suppose it will hurt to send them copies - registered mail - so you know they got them and request help from them, but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for it. Who has POA here? You don't mention about what financial resources your mother has? Some of those can go towards expenses. Surely she has some source of income. If she is eligible, have you applied for Medicaid for an ALF?

Carrying the burden of such anger as well as care giving, can be crippling. ((((((hugs)))) to you. I know it doesn't feel good to not have sibling support but is a reality for many of us. Let us know how you are doing.

Juliebelle - Sadly, anger eats us up from the inside out - slowly, but surely. If we allow that - then we really have lost. Vent here - take walks - do whatever you can to 'let it go' and find some kind of peace. Sit down and make a list of things you can do something about and the ones you can't. And, believe me - you CAN'T MAKE SIBLINGS CARE!! So, put that on the list of things you can't fix. Seek help for your anger. It will kill you. Start researching alternate living arrangements for mom. Whatever it takes to get control of your life and happiness again. Hang in there................

Hi guys! My sister is just gone back to her EASY life! She thinks ITS GREAT THAT I HAVE JOINED A FORUM???????????????????????? Is it ME??

Kazzaa you gave me a good laugh. I have this image of your sister scurring out the door as fast as she can. Did she offer any help? Will she give respite care?

I had to laugh kazzaa - sorry. It is NOT you! My hubbys youngest sibling dropped by for his annual 2 hr visit with mom - his conscience is now salved for another year. LAUGH or you CRY - or worse!! Little bro is just fine with the amount of time they spend with his mother - which is basically NONE. Of course, they were returning from a trip down South and stopped by on their way home (not special trip that way :0) Forgive my sarcasm. Life goes one.

They are so not worth my time. It took me a while to just ACCEPT that they are jerks and move on and take care of stuff the best I can and when I can't - their mom will move to the N.H. I am ABSOLUTELY SURE neither of her other kids will 'save her' from the N.H. Nope. Don't have to worry about that.

We do what we can and when we can't do it anymore - usually when OUR health (physical, emotional or BOTH) fails - we should be able to take the next step of placement WITHOUT GUILT. I think I have finally moved past most of my guilt. It feels like a better place to be. I say this now - it could come back to haunt when/if placement is ever necessary.

Oh yes Kathy! She did as little as possible and spent as little time as possible with mum when i said things to her about mum like did you notice this and that she looks at me blankly then I get the impression that shes finding me a bit depressing and its like youre on your own again and nothing changes. Once I have mum dignosed she will have to wake up. She seemed more concerned about what to wear to a wedding than her mums dementia!! She went out to dinner a few times got her hair done saw her friends and actually had a good holiday!!!!!!! me im a wreck wish I could get my hair done?? anyway back to making my mum some tea! xx

oldcodger!! laugh away! its what keeps us sane! I think my sis is more worried about her inheritance than my mums safety and how awful to have to let go of a few thousand than make sure your own mum is safe and well cared for! Guilt is a very bad thing that can eat you up me too am way passed the guilt phase have the stress lines to prove it!! I want peace I need it and I deserve it!! xx

Oh this will make you laugh?? My sis said my teeth could do with a clean!!!!

Ya gotta LOVE EM! Just kidding. kazzaa - do you have anyone who can give you a break? You SHOULD get your hair done - teeth done - whatever you need to look and feel well. Are you in Merry England? I'm smack dab in the center of this USA.

No im in good old Ireland!! Im not working so money is tight and yes I guess when you are a carer for someone else you neglect yourself!! You see the difference with me and my sis is i would have said "hey sis you look like you could do with a hair cut and a clean youve been such an angel looking after mum LET ME TREAT YOU" and you see that would be me always a heart and generous and because im like this im taking the piss out of by my family EVEN my mum "oh good old kazza she would leave me she hasnt got it in her" well the little worm has not only turned hes done a triple back flip!!!!!

kazzaa - somehow - PUT YOURSELF BACK ON THE LIST!! You will not be able to neglect yourself forever - then what? Ask your sister for enough $ to see the dentist and get your hair done. Maybe she will do it. Don't feel too bad if the answer is no - or what happens with us is we are just 'ignored' - as though we didn't call, or send the email or text message. We are not even important enough to be acknowledged!

We have dental colleges here in the states - inexpensive dental care. Are there such things on the Emerald Isle? Also, we have beauty colleges where you can get hair done for much less. And my FAVORITE - we have massage schools - oh my - they have saved my life! So, is there anyone who could stay with mum for a couple hours while you get away? (start putting your change in a jar and promise yourself you will not touch it for anything except something for yourself). Smokes and a beer don't count :0)

Do take care of yourself dear.

Old codger2 Sometimes you must place your loved one in a nursing home or assisted living. They need more care than one person can give. You have given it your all; you have nothing left. When the time comes to place her in a nursing home be at peace. I just feel placing a reasonable healthy elder in assisted living because you don't want disruption in your routine is bad karma. At least try to make it work.

@kathyt1 - circumstances vary. With my help my mother placed herself in assisted living a few year ago aged about 97. It was her choice. Good thing as I could never look after her Until that time she had been in an apartment for about 15 years. The last year she was there we hired a senior "nanny" to help her stay there, but she drove that person away in less than a year. She has Borderline Personality Disorder and is very narcissistic, as are many other parents on this site. I was in my early 70s at the time. She was and is an abusive parent. For any one who has experienced abuse as a child it is not wise for them to take their parent in, as it triggers off too much pain. Someone made the comment about "warehousing" a parent. - was it you? The ALF mother is in has many advantages that living in anyone's home does not have. She has a lovely 2 bedroom apartment, people to socialize with and activities to join should she want to, a large mall complex her building is attached to so she can go there winter and summer without going outside, nursing aides available 24/7 and so on. I don't call this warehousing. She could live the life of Riley there if she was not an unhappy person. She complains about everything and everyone. No matter where she is or has been all her life she has been unhappy and angry at life. She has good health, even at 101 yrs of age. I have POA and Personal Directive and at times wonder if I can continue with these due to the stress and its effect on my health.. My sis is no help at all, in fact causes trouble. I have tried to make a decent relationship with my mother all my life with no success because of her mental illness. You get the picture - there is no cookie cutter answer.