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Hello all. Im the caregiver for my 87 year old father. My children and I moved in back in May. We have help during my work hours and my father is not in bad shape physically. Back in in May he fell and he can no longer live alone. He makes no hiding of the fact that he sees my sister as better than me. She is coming for a one week visit and he is ready for us to roll out the red carpet. Never mind that I have children of my own and a career. He is going to expect me to cook and wait on her as if she is a guest. He is going down a list of all that needs to be done this week. Im trying to remain patient, but how do I overlook such blatant favoritism ? On top of everything he plans on cooking for my sister while she is here. Meanwhile he sits there on the couch all day every day while i wait on him hand and foot. He sees nothing wrong with overwhelming me, but my sister who has no children is going to receive royal treatment. If I could afford to go to a hotel for the week I would, but Im trying to prepare to move...I know my refusal to do anything will result in a big war...Have any of you faced this situation as a caregiver. I always receive such wonderful advice from everyone, Im hoping to get some valuable feedback.

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Tell him how you feel.. That she's family and will be treated as that.. Have you spoken to her? Does she visit often?

I'd let her take care of Dad while you are busy with your own family..She's there to see your father so let her take care of him.

Make yourself scarce!!
(6)
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Thanks for your thoughtful input. I find myself reading these comments and they make sense..but my reality is alot different than logic lol
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You can make you're own reality! Don't let your kids see you being bullied by anyone... Come on you can do it!!!
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Toomuch4me - You're in a hard spot. You're the Cinderella child, right?

What about taking his list of tasks, and sitting down with him and telling him what you will and won't do? Would he pay for a cleaning service? That would be a job that could be delegated. Maybe you might agree to cook one fancy meal, but tell him it's simple food, take-out or a restaurant the rest of the time. Can you develop a very sore back or a migraine headache? Pick a type of pain that he gets, so he will respect it.

Try the phrase, "Dad, I wish I could, but I just can't do any more than that." Don't try to convince him that he's being unreasonable. Just be calmly unreasonable in your refusal. Bargain over what you will or won't do, but only by dropping one job before accepting to another. Treat him like a customer that you would be willing to lose as a customer. Be polite, civil, even warm, but inflexible. He's not your Daddy, who should love you more than he does. He's a kind of pathetic crabby old guy that you will help, but that you aren't going to kill yourself for.

Marshmallows like you and me can learn to be harder in a good way if we can figure out how to do it politely. I used to think that I had to go along, or else I had to scream and yell. The middle way is easier once I saw it. "I'm sorry, I just can't do that. Maybe you can find another way to get it done, but I can't do it."

When he has you waiting on him, could you say, "Sure, I'll do that, but I'm in the middle of X, and I can't stop or I'll lose the whole thing. Could you do me a favor and get it for yourself? Or I'll be glad to do it when I finish this." Use that for things you know he can do for himself, and never use it for things that you know he can't do.

Those who can stand up for themselves do. Those who can't, write advice to others on AgingCare.com. (Speaking only for myself here.)
(7)
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too, I would do much more than tell him I can't do whatever. Since he sees you as less than, I would move out and have a life w/o him for the most part. Who needs this toxic environment. Life is too short for this kind of stress. Okay easy for me to say, but that is the way I see it. Like Jinx I am not good at standing up for myself, but getting better at it. I was raised in the 50's where girls were taught to be "nice."
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I let my caregiver situation get out of control that was very similar to this. I let myself be bullied and controlled, until it took over my life. I learned, before the end, that I had to be strong and set firm boundaries.

If you don't put the brakes on now, immediately, he is going to take more and more control of your life. It is a very real slippery slope, and he will push you as far as you let him. Every time extravagant demands are met, that becomes the new “normal”.

You have to let go of the idea that if you refuse to cater to unreasonable demands, you are "mean" or uncaring. You have to protect yourself, and you don't have to apologize for it either.

One last thing; when you have your boundaries in mind and you are ready to have the big talk, do NOT leave the topic open for discussion. Don't try to justify or defend your position; that just creates wiggle room for him to pick apart anything you say. Simply state how things will be, and then close the topic.

Good luck to you, stay strong, and take care of yourself!
(6)
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toomuch4me, let me guess, this is the one child that he rarely sees or who visits seldom? Maybe it will be a good thing for him to do the cooking for her so that he'll get off his rear end for a change. Maybe you can ask her (in front of dad) if she'd like him to go visit her for awhile as a special treat for him? (insert maniacal laugh here).
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In fairness my sister comes at least every couple of months. She is a wonderful person and contributes ALOT financially to help my father. It is our father who acts as if she is the Queen. He acts as if nothing in the house is good enough right now. He is treating his HHA as if she is his personal servant this week...While she is here, he will expect me to fix brunch on the weekend since she doesnt get up early ...He wiill be sure to have everything she enjoys on hand..Any quality time we want to spend as sisters will be met with jealousy...when she visited in June she and I took my children out for an outing and he went ballistic..calling to see where we were...the HHA told me that he was yelling and screaming then entire time we were out. He was rude toward me when we got back because Id cut into his time with my sister..So now when she comes I do not make any plans to go anywhere with her...
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OMG YES. AND MY SISTER TOLD ME I SHOULD HAVE EVERYTHING PERFECT AND DO MORE THAN I ALREADY DO..... All this is part if the family dynamic..my question is hasit always been this way. I don't want to be known as the member of this awesome group pushing Nacissism, bit if the shire fits. I Gabe discovered that so many of us taking care if our parents at this time, so i would say the baby boomers are experiencing this. I am learning to speak up and quite frankly stand up for myself. You are working and raising your family that is your first priority, even more than that is YOU. You know when you fly they t the stewardess goes over the oxygen mask...PUT THE MASK INN YOU FIRST., YOU CAN'T HELP ANYONE UNTIL YOU HELP YOU. I am learning this, but let this dirt of thing go on, nip it in the bud.
Sincerely and much love Kelly
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I understand. Is there any way you could go to a local hotel for even a night or two, or perhaps even somewhere for a day? Possibly you could tell your dad it is work-related. Sometimes when people see people less often (as is in the case with your dad and your sister) it is human nature to view the person seen less often as sort of special, since they are not around much. Try to overlook this situation, because of your dad's age, and hopefully the week will go fast and you'll be able to re-boot once your sister has left. In addition, you have a lot to be thankful for since you have children and your sister doesn't have any children, (unless she didn't want any). Hope all goes well.
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Time to disappear for a week. Sister in town, she can wait on him hand and foot. You get a needed vacation. If you can't afford to get away, make plans. "Oh I thought Sis was handling it. She does it so much better than me". Your Dad probably sees you not as his caregiver but a freeloader in his house. Therefore you earn your keep by waiting on him hand and foot. .

Be happy for your sister and your Dad's relationship. Why she is here let her do everything his laundry, his meals. Thank her profusely and then be gone.
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You don't like confrontation. You like peace and will pay a high price to get it. A better way to achieve peace is to set boundaries. You need to develop a backbone, for yourself and your children. I hear from your other posts that you cave when you Dad hollers. You aren't a child anymore. You are an intelligent capable woman. Next time he pushes to get his way, calmly look him in the eye, and say no. Walk away.

I know this will take all your courage and strength to do this. Do it for yourself and your children. Your actions will teach them to stand up for themselves . Courage and strength are like muscles the more you exercise them, the bigger they grow. It will take time to learn a new pattern of behavior, it will be hard, but the rewards are worth it.

You enjoy time with your sister. If your Dad makes a fuss. Look him right in the eye, and tell him, we need sister time. Develop a quizzical look, the one that shows that you do not understand something or that you find something strange or amusing. Works everytime. Good luck. Keep us informed of your progress. We will get you through this week.
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Oh no Whitney, I must be present at all times in case the Queen needs anything...any deviation from that is unacceptable. When she visited in the summer I had the nerve to go out for the day and that ended in a shouting matching until 11pm. I have alot to be thankful for is correct. I would like it if someone took the time to say, "you work hard all the time.here let me help out..you relax..." rather than thinking "well here is one more thing yo
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oops didnt finish the post.. "well here is one more thing you should add to your list.." For instance yesterday the HHA had a fit because my father asked her to clean the windows. Mind you she takes it upon herself to act as if SHE is the head of the household..rearranging things...throwing things out (all without asking) I know that this will turn into a discussion about ME cleaning the house or my children...I do my best to keep our rooms (with the exception of my area the basement which is my own disaster area..) tidy. I make sure the dishes are washed, floor mopped etc. But cleaning and organizing is not my thing.
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Hi Kathy. One thing I can say about my father is that he doesnt see me as a freeloader. He asked me to move in to take care of him. If I came to him begging for a place to stay, I could see that. I work from home 40 plus hours a week. But I agree with everything else you said. Thanks for the advice. You all are very helpful and wise.
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Too much Learn the art of slamming out of the house, saying I don't have to put up with this, put your own expletive in. If you leave who will take care of your Dad? Make it clear to him. When I first started taking care of Dad, my sister and him teamed up against me. Everything I did was wrong. One day I left the house in tears. When I came back, I told my Dad I would have to move, I wouldn't live like that. Finally it dawned on him, who was doing all the work, and most importantly he would be in a nursing home without me. When he realized he couldn't do without me, things changed for the better. good luck
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Ive threatened too many times to leave without actually leaving. IIve raced out in tears a few times already. Things change for the better for a day or two then back to the drama. At this point, I have distanced myself mentally from the whole thing. I no longer let anyone know what is going on in the house unless they ask. Before that I was letting my sister know what was happening, the constant arguing, disrespect etc. Clearly she is probably happier without my daily email rants. I prefer to talk to you all because you get it.

After my sister threw me under the bus by telling my father she had a talk with me about MY behavior..I havent communicated with her since. Im not above being corrected, but she knows how my father hangs on her every word so she shouldnt have done that...it makes him feel as if his behavior is okay and that Ive been "put in my place"
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Too much You could really benefit from therapy. A good shrink will teach you how to set boundaries, and enforce them. You will start to have control in your life, and like yourself again. You are in a very tough situation. You do an amazing job,. A happy life is all about attitude and action. Somehow what should be a collaborative effort by three people who love each other, you, your sister, and father, has turned in to a combat zone where everyone is unhappy. Therapy can turn that around.
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Given my caregiver support group experience, I just want to say that there is almost always a favorite child. In our group we are all daughters (mostly from Jewish families) and for each of us there is a brother we refer to as "the Messiah", who is not in the caregiver role, and is treated like a honored king, whether they are supportive of us as caregivers or not. With these lifelong patterns deeply ingrained it is unlikely we can do anything to change them at this late stage of our parents' life. It seems we need to find a way to focus on caring for ourselves and do our best to manage the frustrations we will experience @ our siblings
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This has been my experience as well. My sister is Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy rolled in one! And so generous!!! While my time and efforts (day and night) seem to be expected and nothing special. I just roll my eyes now.

Early on, mom did try to have me clean the house and pick up special things for my sister when she came over. At first, I wanted to oblige, but then I remembered that my sister was coming to give me a break. Mom stopped asking after a few times because I just laughed and said that's not going to happen. Sister could help her with those things.
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The biggest reality to you entire problem is that you moved in with him, his house. That is his castle and anyone else that moves in are servants. Anyone else that comes to visit are guests and are treated as such. Had he moved in with you or had you all moved into a neutral abode, the situation could be a little different.
Humans are creatures of habit. He sees and lives with you every day. Your sister comes only occasionally, which he obviously is looking forward to. If he is financially able, take a day or weekend away and find someone to stay with or check in on him, there are several agencies available. It will be an awakening for you both as well as getting away can do wonders mentally.
By all means talk to him about your feelings, which he may not have a clue. If the situation becomes too stressful, make this known and discuss what other viable living arrangements, house keeper, assisted living facility, etc., will have to be made and follow through for you own peace of mind and your children.
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CPEGA, he is well aware of how he acts and doesnt care. As I mentioned before, I was asked to move in..and I work. Now if I didnt have a job, was down and out and moved in expecting to be taken care of..then thats a different story. Im no diferent from my sister. She works hard and would like to relax. I work hard too plus I have children which she doesnt. When I didnt live here he STILL didnt treat me this way when I came to visit. He would take me to the grocery store to buy food for me to cook. But when my sister would visit him they would go out to dinner. Now that I am here he bought all of these things for me to cook for her. I told him he is very inconsiderate. Im so tired right now and have tons of cooking to do later. I look forward to Saturdays being my time for at least a couple of hours until the HHA leaves. Before I know it Monday will be here without any break at all. I know there are people who have it so much worse than me...but I dont like being taken for granted. Im not the family maid. I already got into an argument with my father this morning over all of the things he purchased, claiming he was going to make them but now Im supposed to make them while my sister sits on the couch watching TV or resting. I know Im venting and sounding angry and I apologiaze for that...
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What is the worst thing that will happen if you don't do what he wants?

Stop. Don't make them. If your father can be by himself safely or your sister is there, leave the house and take a break.
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Since the problem seems to be your dad and not your sister, would she be willing to talk to him? Just wondering. . .
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Another quick thought: if you father cannot live alone, perhaps you and your sister could arrange for him to live in an assisted living facility. That way you both could visit him but you would not have to play servant!
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You work and have children to raise? This sister visit for a week should be a bit of a respite for you and nothing more. She is your replacement for the week. Tell Dad it is lovely he purchased food but you have no time to cook...what fun he and sis can have preparing meals together. Give her a list of the chores you do every week and let her have it.

I don't care if you have to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches; get those kiddos out of the house every evening that week. Go to the library, walk the mall or park. Get out and be alone with your children. They need Mom time without Grandpa and Auntie. You are teaching them Mom is a slave and has no respect for herself or us; please stop now!

Spend a few minutes with sister making plans for your Dad's future living arrangements. Something she can look into while visiting. Good luck!
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I haven't said anything before now because it is too close to home. It reminded me of a few years back when I drove in from TX one day and my brother drove in the next. My parents and I had sandwiches when I arrived and she expected me to cook a full meal for my brother the next day. She never saw any problem with her thinking.

Some of us are born Cinderellas. If we contest the unfairness of it, it will not be heard. I mean, we should be willing to do whatever it is because it is our sibling. The favor goes one way, though, from Cinderella to the others. We have to drive to them. We have to cook for them. Etc.

But the good thing about it is that it is no disgrace to be a Cinderella. There is nothing wrong with being of service to others. The people who are wrong are the ones with the faulty thinking that somehow we owe more than anyone else. All the Cinderellas can do is say what they will and won't do, then prepare for the battle that always comes when we say no to something. (It gets tiring after a while. I do wish others were smarter in their dealings with people.)
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I tried and tried to get my sister to quit waiting hand and foot on our Mother. I would arrive and I was treated like a princess, too. It was obvious. I begged my sister to take care of herself, but the stress finally killed her. Guess what? Mom survived. They CAN do it and it sounds like your dad CAN do it, too. Take care of yourself, first.
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Im officially alone in this with the exception of this site . My sister said nothing to defend me.After all the time I spent cooking my father complained about the children and me not sitting in the livingroom with my sister in the evening. The children went to their room and I went downstairs to do work. I came upstairs to confront him about what he was saying...he treats me like a servant asking if I was going to umake his bed for him ..and my sister says nothing. My brothers dont even come around. So at this point I know the only solution is to leave. Once again I feel sick to my stomach...Ive never had as much confrontation in my life..my children always asking me whats wrong...
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Toomuch, I'm so sorry. I was really hoping that your sister would have stepped up and defended you. Now you know where you stand with her and father. If you're unable to pick up and move out immediately, please start backing off on all the things you are doing for your father and sibling. If you must make meals - then keep it Very Simple. Nothing fancy. By making a fancy meal, you are reinforcing your father's treatment of you, and you are reinforcing your sister's attitude to you. By keeping the meal Very Simple, you are telling your father that you have drawn the line of what you are willing to do. And you are telling your sister that she is Not Special to deserve any lavish meal. Make a simple meal. If your kids are able to help you, ask them to help with the cleaning up after mealtime. Then, pack up the kids and go out. I know you need to work but by taking the kids out, you are telling your sister that you will not be waiting on them hand and foot. Plus your kids are sensing the tension. It's time to spend it with them.

The next time your father complains about you and the kids not there entertaining sis, just turn the tables on them. Tell him that sis came to visit him and not you and the kids. Since she's only going to be here a week, it will give them time to do some catching up. And if sis wants to spend time with you, she can join you in the kitchen and help you with the cooking. You can talk while doing this together. If you have funds to help find a place, then do so. There are always other options of finding help for your father when he really needs it. You have tried the "moving in" option and found out it's not working.
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