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Witsend808, not remembering that someone was going to leave is common. My husband was very upset when I left for a weekend with a friend while his daughter stayed with him. He didn't mind the leaving, and he chatted with the friend about what we were going to do, but a day later he didn't remember that at all, he thought I'd run off without even saying goodbye, I hadn't left him any money, etc. etc. It MIGHT have helped if I'd left him a written note his daughter could have given him over and over -- I don't know.

My mother (dementia, in a NH) asked me when the men were getting back. Which men? Dad and his friends. They've been gone fishing for almost a week. (Dad died 18 years ago.)

The best thing you can do, if it is at all possible, is learn about this disease, and then bring the rest of the family up to speed about it, too. Browsing on this site is an eye-opener! Not all the elders being cared for have dementia, but a large enough number do for you to see the whole range of experience.

People with dementia do not typically lie. They believe what they are saying. Somehow, someway your MIL thinks your daughter told her to leave. You have to deal with that as her reality -- not as a lie she is telling. "Oh, MIL, that must have really hurt your feelings when you thought Granddaughter told you to leave. I'm so sorry that happened. I know that isn't how GD feels about you so I am sure it was a misunderstanding. We are glad to have you with us." You don't have to accept what she says as true, but it helps you you acknowledge that she thinks it is true.

My husband went through a paranoid phase, and that was the hardest part for me of the entire 10 year journey. It is very hard not to take accusations personally. But once you accept that there is physical damage to the brain that can be seen and measured at autopsy it becomes a little easier.
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I care for my 95 year old mother-in-law, (she has 2 daughters but they can't stand her for longer than a day or so). She 'lies' all the time and the 'lies' are getting bigger all the time.

She has not been diagnosed with dementia. The doctor suspected she had it and sent her to be tested without telling her what the test was, but she suspected what he was up to and practiced with memory tests, counting backwards in 7s etc. and passed the test with flying colours. So she is not being treated in any way for her dementia.

So when it comes to short memory tests she's great but when it comes to remembering what I told her half an hour ago she is useless.

I have tried to correct her on the confabulations that flow on to others, in an effort to stop her looking like an idiot, so now she just hides what she's doing from me, sneaks things out of the house, returning presents to people who gave them to her, telling them the present was meant for them and someone gave it to her by mistake. I try to stop this but it's a losing battle.

She has countless ridiculous stories she insists are true and I don't argue, but the lies about her health often have expensive results and cost us much of our time. But with no diagnosis we can do nothing but let it all go on.
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And with a diagnosis, Hannah1, what would you be doing differently?

I know what you mean about those tests! Failing them is a clear sign that something is wrong, but passing them is NOT proof the person is cognitively sound. Good for the doctor for sending her for the tests, but now I think you need to carefully document some of these behaviors BRIEFLY and send the list to the doctor. I hope that Mom has signed a HIPAA waiver to allow the doctor to talk to you and that the doctor will. But even if the communication has to be one-way, I urge you to communicate with her doctor.

Try to think through how you would treat this differently if you knew she had dementia, and then start behaving that way!

For example, there is no need to protect her for looking like an idiot. She is what she is right now. Instead, inform your friends and relatives, "Mom is having some cognitive issues right now. We are working with her doctor on a diagnosis, but please understand that she gets memories and facts mixed up with fiction." True. And no diagnosis required.

She does not tell lies about her health. She tells her own version of reality. If you had a diagnosis you could tell yourself "It's the Alzhiemer's saying this." Now you can tell yourself, "It is her cognitive issues that are causing her to perceive her health this way." Either way, you now know enough to investigate before you spend a lot of money on her stories.

I think it is really important that you stop thinking of her as lying. Whether you have a label for it or not, your dear exasperating MIL's brain is misfiring. Accepting that is the best basis for caring for her.

In time you may get a diagnosis -- she will no longer be able to "showtime" her way through tests. But that really isn't going to change a lot. You'll still have to deal with all of her behaviors.

Good luck to you, Hannah1! Keep in touch with us here.
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My mother has been weaving stories since I was a little girl. I had to find within myself a nice way to say she was lying. Till today she does it and is very good. I learned at a young age not to follow what she says. it has always led me down a wrong path by me being protective. Id be mad or upset with someone for nothing.I would guess there is a medical reason or condition. I have issues because sometimes its vicious and when I see it now all I can think is if the right person hears and believe it will be a problem. Even when she talks about her people who appear all over the house she weaves a nice story about how they are taking advantage of her. Ive made apt to see doctor becaause its getting worse. And of course Im the one letting these people in and out. I have taken advice and good advice I have gotten from the forum. It has worked tfor me to just agree but its so frustrating that I have now become the fault of how these folks are getting in and they everywhere.I imagine Im in for a lot more.
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Firstly, Jeannegibbs, I have to apologise, because after reading your reply I glanced at 'Report this Post' and, thinking it was 'Reply to this Post', (which is on other Forums I am on), I clicked on it to reply before realising what it was. I searched to see how to undo this but could find no way to do so. But I have no doubt the editor/s will read your reply and deem my error as just that - an error.

You are right in so many ways and I will certainly take your advice where I can. I do tell people she is having memory lapses and this works, but most of her children, (8 of them plus sons and daughter-in-laws), have contempt for her and treat her badly. When she makes these mistakes they ignore her and she is hurt.

The problem is she has always lied, since she was young, fit and healthy, (Münchhausen's Disorder). Her lies, (to get attention and to manipulate), have caused terrible problems between family members. Over time her children didn't believe a word she said and developed contempt for her. Now, with the onset of Dementia, her lies aren't 'lies' to her any more, she believes them to be true, and she can't understand the ridicule and derision she gets from her children when she talks to them. And so I try to stop her telling them things she has invented and it works sometimes and sometimes not.

And as DDDuck says about her mother, my mother-in-law's 'lies' can be very vicious. She has told people I don't feed her, I keep her trapped in the house and I deny her medical attention when she is very ill. I know she loves me but I also know she will say anything to get attention and pity.

And I so agree that I couldn't do anything different if I had a diagnosis but I am concerned that she could be having treatment she is missing out on. There may be drugs she could take, groups to attend, etc. etc. to slow the progress of the disease, but without a diagnosis she is getting none of this treatment. Does such treatment exist?

Thanks for replying, your words of wisdom have helped.

And thanks for sharing your story, DDDuck. I know exactly how you feel about people believing your mother's damaging stories.

The most important thing is that my mother in law has the love and support she needs, and as frustrating as it can be at times, I need to give this to her.
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Sometimes the statement i want to go home means I'm ready to let go of this world and truly go home. It's beautiful i think.
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There are no drugs to slow the progress of the disease. Sorry. There are drugs to treat symptoms (such as anxiety) but most are not specifically for dementia and her doctor can prescribe them with or without a dementia diagnosis.

You might find it helpful to attend a support group for caregivers of persons with dementia.
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Thanks, Jeanne. If there are no drugs then nothing can change and a diagnosis is worthless. My husband and I just have to give her the best we can. She is extremely healthy and should have many years to come.

I will look around for a support group, (I think it may help my husband too). Meanwhile I shall stay tuned to this forum. Reading the experiences of other certainly helps.
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Hannah1, Aricept does help some people. It was developed for and is FDA approved for Alzheimer's, but many doctors prescribe it off-label for other kinds of dementia and for mild cognitive impairment. It does not slow or stop the disease progress but some find it useful for treating symptoms. (My husband definitely did. He had LBD.)

You might ask her doctor if he/she would consider prescribing that. If there are unpleasant side effects (there were for my mother) or if it doesn't seem to make anything better, ask the doctor to discontinue it.
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Thank you, Jeanne, I will ask her doctor, he is happy to discuss her with me as he can't get any sense out of her and finds her very hard to diagnose. Everything she complains about has no basis in fact but at her age he can't take the risk and endless tests are done which have always come back negative.

Thank you for your help, and I am sorry to hear about your husband.

Marea
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My dad (91) has dementia and it's becoming unbearable for my mother. I feel that his disease is shortening her life. I want to see my mom more often but I can't bear being around my dad. His narcissism is off the charts. I could handle that, but he has taken to saying horrible things about my husband (accusing him of stealing anything my dad can't find; telling my Mom and my kids about the 'secrets' he knows about my husband that I don't know, and that he's a bad person. None of which is true. My husband has helped my Dad over the years and they got along very well. My Mom adores my husband and has always said how lucky I am to have someone so kind and supportive in my life. She's spoken of him in glowing terms around my father, and I wonder if that didn't ignite this slow burn. My dad has always been one to consider himself better than everyone and hearing her compliments for someone else likely chapped his hide. I know this is the disease, but now it's impossible to want to spend time with my parents. When we're together my husband stays quiet, not wanting to say anything around my dad that will be misconstrued or repeated to others. And if I visit alone, my Dad will say these hurtful things to me about my husband. I'm concerned that my Mom's health and well-being are being compromised in an effort to not upset him and change his living situation to one of dependent care (they are in independent care at a senior community right now). I feel guilty for wanting to separate them. As long as they are together, it seems as if I'm losing them both. I do believe my mother would have many good years of life in her without the everyday stress that my dad creates.
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witsendkc, everyone hearing the stories about your husband knows they aren't true. I wouldn't let the stories keep you away from your mother. What your father says will be hurtful sometimes, but really doesn't mean anything except in his imagination. This stage could pass soon, so I would try to let the words blow by and not cause damage.

If I listened to things my mother said, I'd never talk to anyone again, including myself. It's the nature of the diseased brain.
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Chuckle. I had a classic happening tonight. My mother tends to be a bit hateful. When I was walking toward the kitchen, I heard and saw her slam the cabinet doors. When I walked in, she was very angry at me. "I don't know why you always close the cabinets so I can't get in them." I told her that I had just seen and heard her do it herself. Of course, she said she did not. I have no idea of what the point of that was. A moment in the life of dementia. She has been mean all day for some reason.
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Our 87 yr old mother with dementia has recently broken her arm and another side of dementia is surfacing. As she used to embellish interactions, now she is telling stories as if they are happening now. This disease is so amazing. Sometimes I think her brain is giving her relief from the reality she is currently experiencing. As long as she is not harming herself or others, I have learned to let it go.
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My mother-in-law, whom I care for, blends events together that happened many years apart, always with some sensational addition that makes her appear amazing. This is harmless. But her lies can be problematic. She tells me she doesn't want something done, but tells her daughter I won't help her do it. So the daughter arrives to do it and I get annoyed because it makes me look awful. She arrives home from a visit to another son with a stack of toilet paper. Why? Because she has told them I don't give her any - which is ridiculous. Confronting my mother-in-law about it is useless, she just keeps lying, lying, lying...
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Yep Hannah, that's exactly how it works. Daughter needs a little dementia and confabulation education! Get her to sign up and read stuff on here...
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My brother called this morning. I put it on speaker phone so they could talk and I could work. They talked about 20 minutes. Oh, gosh, at the mix of stories that were being told. My mother has time compression, so blends things like Hannah's MIL does. It makes part truths into fibs, though it isn't on purpose. She made it sound like she was happily going on walks until recently when she had a stroke and fell and caused back problems. That was the last 15 years pushed into a single incident, and there was no indication she'd had a stroke... maybe a TIA, but not a stroke. All this was okay, though. No harm done, since Brother knows she can get things a bit off.

There was also her use of the word "we" for everything. "We" do all the work around here and call workmen to do things. "We" worry about the yard and want to get something done about it. I do wish she would drop the we and say that she wants something or that I do something. She and I are not a couple. It's weird feeling to hear her lump us together all the time.
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I'm a CNA for a dementia patient. My trouble starts when she spreads these stories and embellishes them. She is quickly running out of friends who are patient and resilient enough to throw off the vicious lies she makes about them. I am now trying to go away when she gets into saying terrible things about those who dare the most for her. She has gotten a bit clinging to me and attacks anyone who will replace me for just a few hours.
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My father-in-law makes up stories and then gets violently angry about them. Like "you won't do this" or "your kids did that". He swears and calls us bi::::: and fu:::ers and says he doesn't ever want to see your faces again.
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I have been trying to find someone who may be dealing with the same issues as me. My mom is 76. Her short term memory "seems is good". She reads, does puzzles, has interests in politics, watches TV, etc. Although, she may read something or see something on TV and then when she tells people about it later, a lot of the facts are incorrect, then she argues that she's right and we literally have to prove things to her. Memories from the past, our family believes she makes them up because that's how she wants to remember them and they always make her out to be the victim. Her past memories are very dark, claims things that no one else in the family can verify. She makes up terrible lies about family members, causes drama and can be down right mean. She even threatened to "knock out" my 80 year old aunt if she came to xmas because "she's a liar and a thief" which is far from the truth and this just came out of nowhere one day. She just decided to think my aunt was a liar and she's been telling everyone that's she's a horrible person. Everyone, including people out in the public, can see how very inappropriate she can be, but then she has times where she is very lucid and kind . She has been tested for frontal lobe dementia and came out with flying colors. She has met with a neuropsychologist and did just fine. Had an MRI of the brain and no issues. She claims my brother in law stole 22,000 from her 15 years ago, my dad has no idea what she's talking about, but when he tells her she's mistaken, she threatens to kick him out of the house and then the stories just get more bizarre. I lose my temper with her and she just gets angry stating that I can stay dumb to everything if I want. Just NUTS!! Instead of aging gracefully, it seems that all her very worst traits are dominant. I am at wits end.
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bclah4, do you actually have the reports from the neuropsych testing and MRI in hand? and how long ago was it? she is either mixing up nightmares with reality or has developed pure paranoia if this is not Lewy body or early vascular dementia! Unless maybe she is on some medication causing weird mental side effects...
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vstefans, thank you for commenting. I actually have seen the reports and I sat in on the final meeting with the neuropsychologist, as did my family. This was maybe a year and a half ago, we have actually been seeing odd behavior now for about 5 years, slowing progressing and just in the last few months it has become much worse. Maybe the stress of holidays? She has alienated several family members, no one wants to be around her. I actually had an aunt (her sister) who passed from vascular dementia. I actually find myself fighting with her, arguing because she already has a strong dominant personality, then to let her go around saying hateful things and things that are outright lies, I cannot allow that.
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Possibly time to re-evaluate; she may have become depressed, or she may be unable to cover up and compensate any more..this is sad and there may or may not be anything you can do if she really cannot recognize the things she is saying are not true and should not be said. But if she can, then some gentle "intolerance" and helping her realize the consequences of what she is saying might give her a chance of avoiding a lonely and bitter fate.
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bclah, my mother did this for a couple of years. She would rewrite history totally, always with herself as the good guy. She would say that other people had done bad things. After she said things they became fact to her and there was no way to convince her otherwise. I didn't bother to correct her unless I saw it could hurt someone. The rest of the time I just let it go. It was hard not to correct her, though, because it felt like my own reality was being twisted.

My mother has what is most likely vascular dementia with a touch of Alzheimer's setting in. The good thing is that stories that are made up will be forgotten over time. My mother's confabulations got less after a couple of years. She still talks about herself like she has bluebirds and butterflies fluttering all around her, but she quit saying bad things about others that weren't true. I don't know what causes the confabulations, but I understand what it is like to be around someone doing it.
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This must be very common because my mother used to tell stories. One in particular was about being assisted when they were traveling. Once she said it happened in Louisiana, once in Canada, once in Nevada. Etc. She really believed these stories. She had dementia.
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I think what I fear the most is she has become so aggressive and mean, intolerant of people and will say whatever comes to mind without a filter. Unfortunately I do believe some of this is her personality. She's always had a very dominant, authoritative personality and she truly believes her opinion is the only opinion that matters, but before she could hold her tongue and had more tact. Now she's mean, manipulative and makes up stuff to feel I'm sure like she has some control or that maybe she can control us. Her stories hurt people and she doesn't see that there's anything wrong with what she says.
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It is hard to know what to do. We are taught to respect elders and told it is the sickness and not the person. Personally I think the smart ones are the ones who don't come around. The rest of us just have to let it slide. If she says something that hurts someone, let that person know that it is the disease and not anything that person did. If your mother is like mine, this stage should pass in a year or two.
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My mom does the same thing. She is 91 with dementia and Alzheimer and tells everyone I never feed her, when in fact I feed her very well and she eats well. She just doesn't remember. She tells people I'm not her daughter. Everyday is different. I just go along with her stories. I think people know and understand that your mom has dementia and if they aren't sure of something they can just ask you? Go tto close your eyes to a lot of things with this illness. It's painful.
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I have a spouse, and he is 59 with early on set dementia and am in desperate need of help. I have a 20 year old in college and a 14 year old at home. Therefore the income that we bring from his ssa is needed to support our household. I do not know where to turn or if there is any social workers out there to talk with me. I am only 50 and my commute to my job is almost three hours a day.
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homecna, be careful and realize she might decide any minute to accuse you of things too. document well!
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