Mom went into a nursing home August 16 and it has been horrible. I was her caregiver, but her pelvic fracture, frequent falls, etc... made it impossible for her to come home. She complains all the time about paying for it, her roommates, the staff. Today was awful, she called (she is almost blind, so they have to dial for her) and was crying told me to come right away. I did and found out her glasses got switched with her roommates during the night, they realized it and switched them back earlier. This afternoon she decided those weren't her glasses and her roommate took hers and won't give them back. Mom has her glasses, but she won't listen to anyone. It was so emotional and now she insists she is coming home tomorrow and will find someone to take care of her.
She is very manipulative and I have fallen for it too many times. They let her smoke a few times each day, but someone has to be outside with her since she could burn herself. She won't quit, it's an ongoing argument. During the same call she asked me to bring more cigarettes. I thought it was a ploy to get the cigarettes there, but she was still an emotional mess, even when I left. She is also saying she wants a new roommate. This other lady has been there longer and her daughter is the secretary to the administrator. Mom isn't a friendly person, very short with people. I guess several aides were comforting her roommate about the glasses and ignoring mom.
I don't know how to handle this, she isn't coming home. I am a cancer survivor and not in great health, I can't take care of her full time and I work from home. Being her full time caregiver has taken a huge emotional toll on me physically and emotionally.
I am worried that she is just going to go off the deep end completely, not sure she can handle the stress she puts herself in. I am going to search this site for articles to read, but would love input.
Nancy
You are doing the only thing you can. Your health is important too. How long do you think you would hold up taking care of her and not in good health yourself? Not very long. Your mom sounds just like my grandmother, to her it was all about her. No one else mattered. Maybe you can talk to the social worker at the nursing home. They can offer some good input because they go thru these things on a daily basis. Hugs to you.
Just do your best.Been there too!
(I too have stopped seeing her so much,it seems to help)
I come home and immediately make myself a drink! the only one I have all week.
I've now stopped calling her everyday because I can't understand what she's saying and it gets her frustrated and nasty with me. I felt terrible about not calling her but she now is a bit nicer to me when I come to visit each week. I try to bring her something each week--a candy bar, nail polish, etc etc and leave it out so that she remembers that I brought it. Take care of yourself because if you let it this could drain the life out of YOU. Don't feel guilty cause you ARE doing what's best for her although she will never say it.................
hang in there
She was hospitalized earlier this year, and had to go to a nursing home for rehab. She was horrible! I felt so bad, that I had my own breakdown, went out on a medical leave from work, and brought her home! She has done ok, but I have to get back to work. She is always grumpy, hated her roommates in the home, just everything you say is so familar. Even the smoking! She can hardly walk, but has to have that cigarette! The sibling issue is the same here too! Wow. I have got to think of a way we can talk.
I want you to know, that you have done the right thing. She is where she is safe, and cared for. You have to take care of you. I know it's really really hard to not let what she says get to you, but try to realize she is not all there. She will adjust people say. My thoughts are with you. I am glad you came to this forum. I needed to hear your story, and I want you to know you are not alone.
Hugs to you,
Sherri
First & foremost…my heart goes out to both you & your mother—I cannot imagine. I have worked w/seniors & currently w/disabled adults & see caregiver angst & burnout @ every turn. IF it is in your budget you might make a posting on this site for someone to check in on your mother as well as advocate for her. If you are connected to a church or if your mother was, that also could provide a good resource. You might even have a friend whom you trust that needs the $$. Also, is there an aide that you are fond of @ the home? It would benefit you both to 'groom' someone on the inside [@ the facility]. Small gifts, lunch, single stem flowers/plants, gift cards go a very long way in terms of cultivating additional support [if allowed]—especially if your mother's roommate is getting the red carpet treatment. Lastly, has your mother been evaluated/treated for depression?
Please remember, 'if the lifeguard doesn't swim, nobody floats'! As horrific as it might feel you MUST take care of yourself. I STRONGLY urge you to find someone [support group, cleric, therapist, counselor] w/whom you can talk as well as gather support. My prayers are w/you both!
Stefani in Dallas
She is so impatient, she wants them to help her now, taking her for a smoke isn't on their priority list, so she often has to wait. I got another phone call today asking if she could come home for the afternoon and I keep saying no and she says bye and hangs up. I can hire her old home care service aide to go there and visit her, $18 an hour with a 2 hour minimum. My siblings would probably share the cost. I don't know if I want to do that yet, but I may have to do it a few times per week. I have gone back to not going every day and told her I wouldn't be there today between church, a meeting and small group tonight. She never says anything negative about that, always says "that's okay, I will survive."
She just begs to come home for a visit and I don't think it's a good idea, since the one time she came home, she fell. I can't help her up anymore because of a shoulder/back injury I am getting therapy for. I am trying to hold off her coming home until Thanksgiving. My sister will be here in a few weeks and I know she will want to come home. She says when people are visiting, she doesn't get to see them enough, because she isn't home with all of us.
My niece bought her e cigarettes, but I am sure they don't let them use them in their rooms, even though there is no fire or smell. I need to find out. Once she started smoking again, the addiction is back. She will tell me she only got to smoke once that day, when we go outside or to the smoking room, people will say "nice to see you again." A nice lady in her unit smokes and when mom tells me that is only her second time, that lady will correct her and say I have seen you out here three times so far today. She expects them to drop everything and help her. I don't think there is a fix for that, but she needs an increase in meds.
I always want to give in and let her come home for a visit, my son keeps saying no and so does my sister. I am starting to really worry about my health, she says she is worried, but she still expects me to perform miracles!
Thank you all so much.
A lot of REALLY TUFF boundary issues, BUT you have mentioned you have a familiar, trustful aide—what are you [all] waiting for! You will feel an IMMEDIATE sense of relief while taking a proactive step. Very best of luck!
Stefani
After reading lots of good articles and forum messages today, I am going to meet with the resident care supervisor and social services in the next day or so. I want to see what they have to say and what input they can give me. We do have a counselor at our church who doesn't charge for counseling sessions. he has visited mom several times and she really thinks highly of him. I might even see if I could get him to go there and do counseling with her.
Thanks.
You might also connect w/the Activity Director [Life Enrichment Coordinator] and or the assistant. They are required to also address those who prefer to stay in their room…aromatherapy would be very cool w/your mom—if she chooses to participate AND they offer it! Perhaps they could direct volunteers to spend time w/your mother, also the AD's responsibility.
Leave no stone unturned & good luck!
Fiffi [Stefani]
[This is my new profession/career 'enhancement'.]
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