My 91 yr old mom recently was admitted to a dementia facility after a week long stay in a hospital. We're working with an elder care attorney to get the Medicaid application processed to pay for mom's long term stay, and her Medicare coverage just ran out yesterday (we were given 48 hrs notice). I'm very anxious about the situation. It looks like she'll qualify for Medicaid but there is a grey area that I don't want to get into here in detail. Let's just say that there's one point in her application that has me concerned.
I was researching it tonight online when my daughter came in to remind me I need to register her for summer camp (the one she likes registers god awful early!). I responded with, "thanks for the reminder, sweetie. I'll take care of that just as soon as I finish looking at this article." She smiled & left the room. Then I turned to my husband to show him the article that I found.
He abruptly told me that I need to stop sacrificing my daughter for my mother. I was stunned. How have I possibly done that??? He pointed out how my daughter wanted me to do her summer camp registration & instead I put her off. In my defense, I was putting her off for five minutes while I showed him this article on Medicaid that I found, that was it. He then let me know that he's had enough. It's time to "wrap up this mother business" & get back to focusing on us and our lives. He told me that I needed to get my priorities straight.
I'm devastated. He all but accused me of being a neglectful parent, which he knows has been my biggest fear in all of this (I didn't have the most nurturing mother, myself). I've tried to do everything I could possibly think of to compensate for all the chaos of me dealing with mom's recent medical issues & long term needs. But, I'm an only child and my dad's deceased. I'm my mother's only immediate family member. I HAVE TO but the work in to settle her situation and I have no control over how complex it'll be or how long it'll take.
It just broke my heart that he could think that way about me. I beat myself up for a few hours about it, wondering if my daughter was going to grow up to hate me for this time in her life. But later in the evening as I was picking up around the house, I realized a few things. Her new winter boots, new coat and snow pants? I took her shopping for those things. The Santa presents hidden in the attic? That was also me. The Christmas presents for extended family (including all the in law gifts)? Me again. This year's photo of her and Santa and the town bazaar? I was the one that took her to that. Not her dad. Her Elf on the Shelf has gotten moved every single night since Thanksgiving (when our elf has traditionally shown up) by ME. Oh, and the letter from Santa that arrives from an artist on Etsy (that she's gotten every year since she was born)? I just ordered that myself on Friday.
All the prepared food in the fridge, the snacks, and her lunch sitting ready to go for tomorrow? Me, me, and me. I was at her basketball game this morning, took her shopping for new basketball shorts and sneakers afterwards. I helped her wash her hair this evening, then brushed it and braided it for her. Despite the situation with mom (and my full time career), nothing has faltered. I stood in the kitchen realizing that everything to be done for this family in preparation of a new week was done, by me alone.
I'm NOT a neglectful mother and I'm NOT sacrificing my daughter for my mother. In fact, I'm killing myself to make sure that my baby girl can count on everything in her world being consistent and secure no matter what back bends I need to perform to make that happen.
That realization should've made me feel better but it did not. I'm so disappointed in my husband right now that I can't even see straight. Empathy isn't he strongest trait but I never thought he'd be so thoughtless right the worst of this situation.
I say, time for your hubby to pull up his big boy pants and start helping out. Maybe not with the avalanche of care for your mom but certainly with your daughter. Sounds like you are doing it all while he is watching, and unfairly judging, from the sidelines.
You have my empathy, sympathy and support to continue to care for your loved ones the best that you can! Please don't let a few words undo so much caring!
Maybe, he's really feeling like you are neglecting him and is just putting it off on your daughter. I'm not suggesting you are neglecting him but I bet that's what it is. I remember when I was all consumed with my mom's needs before she passed and my hubs would whine and act all hard done by. I remember saying to him one day "my mom is dying, don't you get it?" He didn't get it.
Men like to be nurtured. If you are dividing the nurturing with someone else they can't handle it. Not all men...........but quite a few of them. Tough titties! Tell him to suck it up and quit trying to make you feel guilty.
Divide up the "duties" you've been doing and put more for him than you. Give him his "honey do list," including registering daughter for summer camp. If it's so important to him that it must be done immediately upon daughter's request, tell him to drop everything, and do it, along with everything else you put on His list.
Then, go on and take care of your mom without another word. You don't need to justify how/where/when you're taking care of her; she's your mom! Is this how you can expect him to take care of you should you be in your mom's condition in years to come? One wonders.
I am not suggesting this at all but if you suddenly took a week off on a ‘girl’s holiday’ with friends he would notice very quickly everything that you do.
Your daughter would then have to go to him and he would not be able to take you for granted or think that you have shortchanged them. He would see first hand all that you do.
Do you think he is jealous or misses your attention? I am not saying that you are neglecting him. I doubt that you are.
Does he feel that you are overly preoccupied with your mom or is it his remark due to not being overly empathetic? You know your husband better than we do. Does he need reassurance? Has he been stressed out more than usual?
Tell him that you are concerned about your mom because she needs you and she is family and you would appreciate if he were more sensitive to your feelings.
I can only imagine how it is for the spouse of a person caring for an elder. Everything is focused on the elder and after awhile you do feel ignored. I know making all the arrangements for my father was all consuming so I know what you are going through. After awhile my husband was sick of hearing about it. Sick of the late evening calls for assistance. Sick of always being in crisis mode for my father. I see both sides.
Sit him down and tell him what you wrote. Tell him all the things you managed to do and ask him why he thinks you were neglecting daughter. Ask him why he couldn't do the registration since you were busy.
Your DH can get off his tail and register his daughter. She's his responsibility too. (I'm venting: why is kid stuff usually the mom's responsibility?!) For that matter, Dear Daughter can fill out the registration paperwork herself. While it's fine if she does things early (I do), both your daughter and husband need to learn to do for themselves and learn you are not their default dumping ground.
You are NOT neglectful. To me, you sound overworked and overstressed, and under-appreciated and under-supported. I hope you can find the time and energy to seek a counselor or a trusted friend to support you about how to talk with your husband and your daughter about they need to do to support YOU.
*hug*
Once you understand him - you can talk about how you go forward together. Having him on board to help more at home also seems to be important. Good luck and please let us know what happens.
I am not saying that you are spending too much time & effort on your mother, he just sees it as that. Although, I have seen many caregivers really go overboard in that area, they get lost in another's issues and feel the need to handle everything for them, things that they can actually do for themselves.
I would sit down with him and talk it out.
All of those things that you do for your family are part of the responsibility of running a household. You do them well. You have every right to feel proud.
When was the last time you had date night with your husband?
I am the wife of a caregiver who has both medical and financial POA. I understand where your husband is coming from when he said "wrap up this mother business" because, like your husband, I have lost my cool when my husband was lost in the weeds of caregiving.
Let the attorney wrap up your mother's business. That's what you are paying him/her to do.
I heard a very wise therapist once said that "men's needs are few but not to be ignored." Intimacy is very important for men's well being. Perhaps, that's his issue? I recommend you find a quiet time when you both are calm and have a heart to heart, pillow-talk with your husband. Find out why he's angry and what you can do to help and what he can do to help you.
You weren't solving the Medicaid issue - filling out a form, submitting an application with a deadline to it, taking guidance from a qualified professional. You were dillying about on the internet reading articles, which may or may not be enlightening about the issue you're uncertain about; and you did say, in terms, to your daughter that this research came first, ahead of her application for a summer camp which a) does have a deadline to it, and b) is in high demand apparently.
DH didn't say you were a neglectful mother, by the way. He said you were putting your mother ahead of your daughter, and so you were. Perhaps when she talks to him in private, not wanting to burden you, she isn't smiling.
I think, if you didn't already know that your husband had a point then what he said wouldn't have upset you so much. I should sleep on it, if I were you.
anybody can say yes or no but proportion takes some thinking .
i know im not explaining myself well but my ex would do everything BUT sit down and engage with her family . mom needs your help but maybe you dont know when to disengage from it .
He may want the wife back that wasn’t preoccupied with her mother. That’s understandable, isn’t it? It’s not any different than a wife who feels her husband is married to his work or a football game. They either enjoy football with him or become a football widow.
Do I think there are advantages of being single? Hell, yeah! Hahaha
Others may say there are many advantages of being married and indeed there are. The truth is that both have challenges, single or married.
In marriage though, we have to compromise and it goes both ways. Otherwise, resentment does set it.
You have your story. He has his and the truth may lie somewhere in the middle.
Personally, I think men and women are wired differently and that’s okay. We aren’t going to care about everything they care about and they aren’t going to care about everything that we do and they don’t have to. Nor do we.
Sometimes we need to feel free to have our own thoughts. No one else can make us happy or steal our joy. We can be disappointed but let it end there.
My husband doesn’t like shopping. It’s not about spending money because I am perfectly happy window shopping. Once he told me if he were a shoe salesman that had to wait on me he would kill himself! LOL. He asked me how could I try on six pair of shoes and not like any of them. The truth is we are both a tough sell. We buy, we can’t be sold.
But I like considering all my options. If he finds something he likes, he is in and out of the store. He doesn’t browse for fun, like I do. How did he settle it? He told me not to ask him to join me when shopping. Hahaha. I get it. My feelings were not hurt.
Maybe you haven’t realized that you have been more preoccupied with your mom. I know that happened to me with my mom and my husband took a hit from it. Trust me, all marriages take hits from time to time.
Best wishes to you and your family.
I don't think ur problem is ur daughter, I think the problem is Dear hubby is feeling unloved. But...he is a big boy and should understand what you are going thru at this point. Who else is going to do it. Have you spoiled him a little😊.
Captain: sometimes husbands are the ones who are SO damn 'preoccupied' all the time that they can't possibly even spare ONE minute to listen to what their wives, OCD or not, have to say. Like maybe put down the newspaper for a moment?
To the OP: I'd say your husband is having a serious hissy fit over the fact that you can't be All Things to All People at All Times, but Mainly Him. Just using your daughter as an example because HE himself is feeling a tad neglected because you're doing SO MUCH for SO MANY so often. Wearing SO many hats but not the one he wants you to wear at this very moment. How about HE get off his sorry arse and fill out HIS daughter's camp application? Or his mother in law's Medicaid application? Or better yet, how about if he stops complaining if everything in his world isn't 100% perfect 100% of the time? Men like this (which is MOST men) get me seriously irritated, expecting us to do absolutely everything and then complaining when we don't show them enough attention. Boo hoo. Get a grip and man up, I'd say.
There will always be marital discord of some sort unless you live in "Leave it to Beaver" world.
Bottom line - there was unexpected emotion coming from the husband. There is a cause. Until the poster sits down to discuss/listen to her husband there will not be a resolution. He needs to express himself. She will need to express herself.
I'm the one in my marriage that gets bogged down at work or in tasks and my DH will alert me to my emotional disengagement from him and my son - that I am not aware of. It has been hard because I tend to get very defensive, but when they express emotion and I think it is unfair - I have learned to take a breath and try to sit down and listen. More often than not DH has a valid point / reason for the emotion, but he is also extremely supportive and willing to look for solutions that work for both of us. I hope you are able to learn what is behind the emotion and then decide how to support each other.
Hopefully with patience and open mindedness on both sides - they can come to a mutual path forward.
Poster - hope you come back to update us. Good luck!!
When I read your post I was mad at your DH. Then I remembered some things that went on in my life while I was a caregiver.
I kinda did everything in overkill mode. I over thought everything. I was researching everything Medicaid even though I had professional help. And I was trying to manage my Hell Cat of a Mother’s Care.
My kids were out of the house but in hindsight I was totally NOT emotionally there for them or my husband.
The first time DH tried to get me to get away for a couple days there was a big fight. I could not. Everything was such a big mess. During the fight he said I was destroying myself. I didn’t admit it then but he was right. I did almost destroy myself and our marriage.
Yes, definitely, it appears your DH should carry his load when it comes to your daughter.
I have no magic answer as to what the right balance is as far as you are concerned because I definitely did it wrong.
Just be careful.
First of all you ARE a good mother. I think those of us who have mothers who weren't so good have this fear of doing the same to our own kids, when really we over compensate if anything. I can see your daughter is well taken care of and you are doing a lot! So please, no worries there.
I agree with those who felt your husband's comment was more about HIM feeling neglected. I'm going to be super blunt and I hope this doesn't offend you because that is not my intent at all, but in my experience men can get really cranky and feeling deprived if they are ignored sexually for too long. For some men "too long" can be like a week.
I've noticed this with my own husband. He's a kind and supportive man and has put up with my depression and anxiety over my mom and all the crap we've dealt with and continue to deal with and never complains. But when I sense a shift in his mood, 90% of the time if I think about it, I'll see that we haven't been intimate lately. So I make a point to shift my focus and spend a quality night with him. Problem solved.
Not saying that's your husband's issue, just throwing it out there in case.
Or maybe he just needed to vent because he's tired, or feeling a stress of his own from work, or something else, and picked the wrong time and words.
Good luck and I hope the two of you are back in sync soon. Also good luck with Medicaid and getting your mom placed, once that is over you will likely feel much better!