Not literally.
Mom won't answer the phone. A physical therapist is suposed to start seeing mom. So the therapist has to call me. Then mom will call me to see if she called to find out when she is coming. The first visit got messed up. So mom missed starting today. It wouldn't have if she would answer the phone.
She calls me angry because she is in a lot of pain and missed her first appointment. I told her I was going to call today since no one called me yesterday. I thought I would be home. I forgot about a scheduled volunteer session I had. So she called five times geting more upset each time. Because I was supposed to be home and making the call to physical therapy place.
I said do you want someone to come out tomorrow. She said no. You told them not to come out today and to come out Thursday. But later the therapist called me and said she can come tomorrow. And I said yes. Thinking of how upset mom was telling me she is in lots of pain. But mom may not call me untill later tomorrow after the time the therapist will show up.
Mom wants to know when they are comming so she will stay in the living room to hear the doorbell. She is very hard of hearing. Brother lives there also. But he gets up in morning and goes back to sleep for hours cause he stays up late. He wont answer phone eighter. And he might be asleep upstairs and not hear doorbell. Mom might not hear it. The therapist might then leave. And mom will be angry again. If a therapist cant come out again the next day. Thursday. The day I actually had told the company to send someone out.
I'm stressed out. Help.
Barbara
Get her a cellphone and set it to ring & vibrate. Tell her to keep it handy at all times so the therapists can reach her and you won't have to play all this receptionist nonsense. She might be hearing impaired, but when the phone lights up at least she'll know someone's calling.
I'm pretty sure your lounge lizard bro has a cell too. Give his # to the therapist(s). The least he can do is relay a message.
I've been using this combination for years. It's wonderful ... I don't get all droopy or tired, like other pain medications do, because the medication is worn and distributed gradually. It works very well ... They can start her on a 25 mcg dose, and work from there.
I would try to speak to your mother's doctor about this. Good Luck!
Night time can also be a challenge. Laying there, in pain, watching the clock makes it seem like the night will last forever, and makes the pain seem worse.
Please be patient with her ... I know it's not easy, but she is your mother. I lost mine when I was 17 .... What I wouldn't give to be able to take care of her right now.
Just something to think about . . .
That is great! That is a step int he right direction and each step is a big accomplishment. It takes YEARS to get this all figured out and to have the self-confidence to detach a bit. Keep your shoulder to the wheel. You will get it!
It is an improvment.
Barbara
You might be jumping into problem solving mode when she wants you just to listen - and that is frustrating to you both. My husband and I often ask each other "do you want a shoulder or problem solving" so we can listen and help appropriately.
If she does want problem solving - then she has to help with options - not just say no to everything. You can say "what do you want" (not what do you want ME to do) and "what are you willing to do, mom, to get that done". You can certainly help but don't own the solution - it is up to her.
If she wants you to listen - just do that with patience and love.
Keep us posted. There is nothing harder than watching a situation with a ton of crazy going on and people won't do what seems like logical steps. Then all you can do is love them and make sure they know that you love them.
Barbara
I think perhaps seeing a therapist for validation of both your concerns and techniques for dealing with mom and brother might be in order. NOT because you're crazy, but because they are certainly doing a number on your self-confidence.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-I-deal-wih-mom-193298.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-i-separate-myself-from-mom-193087.htm
Other than that, you say your mother - let's leave your brother out of it for the moment - can think and function just fine. Yes? And you go on to say that she is rigid. Then for heaven's sake, let her get on with her life. Be a sounding board, make sympathetic noises, but don't get involved - and especially not when your mother doesn't let you do anything useful. For example, the way to go with the PT and the OT and the pain management could be something like this:
Mother: So you think the physical therapist might help?
You: Yes, I think it would be a good idea to get a consult, anyway.
Mother: Well don't hire one if it won't.
You: No, I won't be hiring one. It will be much better if you arrange it through your doctor's office.
Mother: Oh I don't want to do that.
You: That's a pity. I think it might be helpful. Why not make the call and see what happens?
And round and round and round you go. But the key is the boundary here: you sympathise, you discuss, you share ideas… but you do not *do*. If your mother is in charge, then let her do it.
I dont have this persons name, address or phone number. And mom says he uses other peoples phone as well as his own to make calls.
Mom thinks the physical therapy might help with her pain. She wanted me to find out before the therapist came if it would. Told me not to hire a therapist if it wouldnt. Told her the therapist cant tell till she sees you. I think occupational therapy might be helpful to mom. And the only way to get her to accept it is if they come in for her pain. Mom is rigid. Always has been.
Barbara
You are too far away to manage this. The next step might be AL. Get APS and/or Area Agency on Aging involved.
When the police start banging on the door, your lazy brother will do something. He doesn't sleep all day.
You are going to need to say "no" to her. "no mom, I can't do that". You can't communicate with a therapist for her under the rules that she's laid out. "You're going to have to make other arrangements yourself, mom". "Call the doctor mom, perhaps his office staff can help make those arrangements. What you're asking me to do is not possible".
If you believe that someone is blackmailing your mom, indeed, call the police and report that. But perhaps she's become paranoid and delusional?
In any event, you need to protect your own mental health at this point. Again, please understand that you're not being a bad daughter. Your mother is asking something of you that is simply NOT POSSIBLE TO ACCOMPLISH.
Mother refuses to do sensible things to help herself (like look at caller ID). I don't know what her cognitive abilities are. Perhaps she can't help herself at this point. But I do know this: It is Not Your Fault.
Brother is mentally ill and can barely take care of himself, let alone your mother. Mental illness is cruel, and I feel sorry for him. Or maybe he is just a lazy jerk using his disability as an excuse. I sure don't know. But I do know this, absolutely: It is Not Your Fault.
You have an anxiety disorder. Not Your Fault. You are working hard to compensate for it. Good for you. You love your mother, you understand her disorders and illnesses. You are a compassionate and conscientious person. But you are not SuperWoman and can't take on all the burdens of the world. Or even all the burdens of your family.
I think it is time to acknowledge that the family burdens are not your fault, you are not obligated (or qualified) to fix them, and you need to focus on what you can at least partially fix -- your own health and happiness.
I'm not suggesting that you abandon your mother. Far from it. Do your best for her. But also realize that your best is all you can do. And there is no point in feeling guilty or inadequate when your best is not enough. That is Not Your Fault.
Do your best to get the PT sessions going. If you can't work it out with a reasonable number of phone calls, oh well, she just won't have PT. As someone pointed out, that won't be the end of the world. If you can't persuade her to arrange to get the pain med the doctor recommended, oh well, she'll just be in pain. That is too bad, of course, but you don't have control over her.
Do your best. Stop trying to go beyond that.
Can you look into a different PT company? Maybe there is a local place she can go to, and not have to worry about someone calling, setting up appointments, and actually being able to get into the house.
But I agree, you MUST take charge, or everyone is going to walk all over you, and you don't need this added stress. If your mother and brother don't want to answer the phone, stop calling for a week. I'll bet they'll take notice to that, and hopefully they'll make some changes.
Good Luck and God Bless Hadnuff . . .