There seems to be a growing number of members joining AgingCare.com going to numerous posts with the exclusive intention of demeaning other members posts about cargiving problems with their parents. These holier than thou members think they have a due right to point out how bad these other members are because they are venting about caring for difficult elderly parents. Comments about it being a privilege, owing our parents and stop whining and complaining is totally unacceptable on this site. We members who come here to vent and look for support must stand up to these inconsiderate ignorant dogooders. Another group are the bible quoting "Honor thy father and mother" members. The imput from these members are useless and causes more harm than good. The only way to stop them is to make it known you will not tolerate their negative attacks. This site is for cargivers to be able to vent how they feel without fear of retaliation from other member's iignorant views. Freedom of expression for caregivers on this support site is vital for their physical and emotional wellbeing. So all caring members band together and stop these vipers from hurting those who need us.
I'm new here and I like it here. Someone commented above that online there are always going to be cowards who are probably sitting in their parent's basement, getting personal satisfaction out of attacking other people. Que sera sera.
And because I'm new here I don't know if there are moderators or someone monitoring content. I don't need a moderator, I'll just pull up my big girl panties and ignore those who are desperate for attention.
Good topic though, Debralee. I appreciated what you had to say.
So, to all that I have insulted in the past 3 weeks - especially this past week - I Apologize! I will try harder not to come on this site until I have my anger in control.. Gosh, crying again. I'm sorry for my words to you Terrim on another thread. Gotta go....
But that is not to say I have not been at fault myself for being judgmental on here a few times. And I apologize. But we are all, as a group, I would say, pretty stressed out and it happens. :^\. Man, you should have seen the forum I was on for insomniacs-talk about a bunch of crabs! I didn't stick around long for that one! Lack of sleep really does make one cranky!!
(((((group hug)))))
and then - some people are just blunt and to the point. Jeannegibbs has given me feedback that I felt was - well - not as warm as I had hoped :0) But, I know she means well and what she said came in handier LATER when I wasn't as frustrated, etc. So, sometimes - the words offered can help long after they have been written! Thank you all for Everything you have done for me on this forum - it has truly been a lifeline!
I tend to approach things (including posts here) in a practical, no-nonsense way. "You are having this problem. Have you tried this?" Sometimes what I consider practical others consider too blunt or harsh. Sometimes the response I get is "thank you for pointing that option out. It gives me something new to consider" And occasionally I've gotten the response, "How dare you criticize me on this forum which is supposed to be all about support!"
Support comes in lots of different forms. Sometimes a kick in the pants can be supportive.
Also take into consideration the huge range of writing skills represented here. Sometimes what we are trying to express is complex, and hard to write about. Let's try not to get mad at each other because of an inability to write ideas in the clearest and kindest way.
Vent: Give free expression to (a strong emotion).
Gripe: Express a complaint or grumble about something, esp. something trivial.
To me - they are one and the same - because some days what I am venting/griping about may seem oh so trivial to others who are dealing with downright serious problems. But, at the time that I gripe/vent - that same triviality may FEEL very serious to me and getting it out there and hearing from others who have has similar experiences or just a kind word from someone who realizes I am having a very difficult time - well it can make all the difference in the world. So, as far as I am concerned - whether we call it 'venting' or 'griping' - it is all the expressions of frustration for the most part and getting those frustrations OUT of our soul and into the air can often kill them or at least weaken them enough that we can continue on.
VENT/GRIPE AWAY as far as I am concerned..............
I am one of those "do-gooders" who started up in my teens caring for elderly or sick or handicapped relatives and friends. In my late teens (in the late 1970's) I cared for my great-grandfather with Alzheimer's while attending college. In my 20's, I took in a friend dying of AIDS in the late 1980's. Since then, I have taken in both sets of grandparents (including one who sexually abused me and the other who let him do it), both parents (and my father was physically and emotionally abusive to me as a child), in-laws, and friends. I am 54 now and have been caregiving for decades. You never see me whine or complain here because I do deem it an honor to be the voice of love and hand of comfort for people who need me. Yes, I get tired and it is work but when I was a child, I was cared for when I was work and I hope when I am old and I am a burden, there will be family and friends who will care for me.
No one, including me, is here exclusively to make you feel guilty. If you do feel guilty, examine what you are doing to make you feel that way. I consider it to be a responsibility and obligation for me to care for family and not just my own kids. When I die one day, they can write it on my tombstone- She loved others and she lived out that love in a real way.
I am glad to encourage you Debralee. I know how hard it is. I have been doing this for 36 years and my heart has broken with every death and have even chosen to take in children with handicaps. Why? Just love. I am here to listen to your gripes and complaints because I know you need this outlet and you should have it but please don't censor other people's deeply felt beliefs about loving and caring for others. This site is not just for blanket approval where no one ever hears a dissenting viewpoint. Hugs to you. I think you need them.
I don't have to do much for my Mother anymore except visit her, pay her bills, and keep caregivers and hospice accountable to certain standards. I agree I need to "get over " the Past, enjoy the "Present " and do the best I can to support others IF I am going to participate on this forum.
I will also do my best to Ignore posts that annoy or antagonize me. It will involve much discipline and go against the grain of my personality, but if it helps to bring peace in a little corner of the world, I will shut up. Am I forgiven? xoxo
As the children or in-laws or family of elderly, we do the best we can. Not everybody is cut out to be a caregiver for their elders and nor should they be. I know I'm not. But I'm an advocate and representative for my elder. But do I owe my mom my time/my future, no, no way, absolutely not. Do I expect our kids to take care of us...no, no way absolutely not. Am I glad this site is there, yes, yes absolutely. Just ignore the trolls.
No one should EVER suggest to someone that they are deficient in some way just because there are days when we cannot cope with the insanity we live with very well and need to VENT. Everyone needs someone to talk to who understands. This is the place to find it. The vast majority of posts are kind and caring and I am grateful. Once in a while there's some that are less than helpful - but I figure these folks are just trying to be helpful in their own way and sometimes is 'misses the mark.' Take care and hoping you continue to find the help and care and kind folks who are the majority on this site.
Don't use personal attacks, profanity, threats or offensive language. Keep it friendly and helpful!
How hard is it to use some common courtesy when commenting in this forum?
I have always been a person with a lot of 'empathy' - not sure why. I cry over other peoples sadness, illnesses, losses - you name it. I am a softie. BUT, I have also learned the hard way that we softies can be taken advantage of and we can be mistreated and we can be hurt and we have to rise above this and still do what needs to be done. And, yes, sometimes out of 'duty.'
But we do what we can do for as long as we can if if that day comes when we can't do it anymore - then let it go. It took me a long time to realize that I have done more for my MIL than any other person on this earth - including her children. Why? I wanted to. I cared for her and thought she cared for me. Things have changed with our relationship now - but I still 'care' for her - it is in my DNA to care, I guess. I just care for her now in a different way - in a way that protects ME and MY health and MY emotions and preserves MY LIFE.
We all should strive to 'understand' that NOT ALL SITUATIONS ARE CREATED EQUAL - and some of the folks on this forum have got it pretty darned rough at times. Some are caring for parents who don't care at all back - either on purpose or due to ALZ, etc. This isn't easy to do. Many never get a break - EVER. They barely have a life. Been there, done that during her multiple surgeries and recuperation's and therapies.
Who knows, maybe the 'do gooders' are just beginning their caregiving journey. The trip gets tougher as time goes one. They may be back here 'venting' some day. Give them as much space as we would have them give us.
Personally, I ignore posts that don't help a lot and figure they are coming from a different place in their journey.
So, PEACE TO ALL YOU CAREGIVERS OUT THERE - it isn't always easy and continue to feel free to vent here. I am soooooo grateful for finding this site. I come and go - depending on how things are going here and am grateful to feel welcome here. Blessings to you all - and I don't mean that in any sort of holier than thou way. :0)
I realize that others feel differently than I do. And I realize others are more religious than I am. In my life, I have often found myself to be wrong, so I don't feel that I have the right to silence what other people feel. I do wish, however, that opinions would be expressed without the bullying that I frequently see. To tell someone they ought to take care of a parent because they are obligated is bullying, especially when the person is vulnerable.
There is something else that I want to add. Many of us come from dysfunctional families. We have to be careful not to let our personal wounds cause us to abuse other people. I have seen quite a few threads now go down the wounded child route, even when it isn't even relevant.
I learned very much when I was in an Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families when I was in my 30s. There were women there who were twice my age and older, still stuck trying to deal with what happened to them when they were children. The most important thing I learned in the group is that I did not want to be these women. After we leave home we become responsible for nurturing ourselves and healing old wounds. Some people like myself stumble through it. I personally used to have some gratification in feeling angry and wronged. That sounds perverted, but it is true for me.
I was listening to Joel Osteen the other evening. He is considered a religious outcast by many, but he's actually a good motivational speaker who often hits a problem I have right on the head. I had been feeling angry because of some old childhood wounds that had been reopened. His advice was just to "get over it." I think it is the best advice any adult child from a dysfunctional family can hear. Anytime those wounds start hurting, we can't change the past. But we can take charge of ourselves and get over it. We can't let old wounds keep hurting our futures. That gives a lot of power to old abusers. So I am just going to tell myself to "get over it" anytime those wounds resurface.
you seem to defend freedom of expression and censorship at the same time.
( vipers, insensitive , ignorant dogooders? ) thats the kind of venom i could do without..